Diddy’s a dumbass
Diddy stepped in a steaming pile of dog shit yesterday in New York. Awesome. Normally I’m against people not cleaning up after their pets, but in this case, I’d like to award that irresponsible dog owner a shiny medal.
Poor Diddy
Diddy went on a much-publicized YouTube rant last week about the cost of gas. He claimed prices were so high, he quit using his private jet and started flying commercial. Except he doesn’t actually own a private jet. Details, details. The Palm Beach Post says:
A thorough review of federal records shows that no plane in this country is registered to a Sean Combs or any of the trend-setter’s numerous companies, including clothier Sean John and his music company, Bad Boy Entertainment.
One private aviation source scoffed: “It’s my jet this, my jet that, he’s just pretending. I have list of every plane with the name of the owner, and he’s not on it.”
Combs’ publicist says he owns a fraction of a jet. NetJets spokeswoman Maryann Aarseth confirmed that Combs is a fractional owner but did not provide the amount of his share or the tail number of the plane. Fractional owners pay for a limited number of flight hours on any company jet, according to NetJets.com.(Source)
I’ve got $6.27 still left in an old mutual fund I used to contribute to at my last job’s 401K plan. And since a mutual fund invests in hundreds of different companies’ stock, does that mean I own “fractional” amounts of McDonald’s, Microsoft, and Disney? If so, I’m going to take after Diddy and start telling that to chicks. Hopefully it’ll work better than my most recent pickup line: “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
Drunk driver hits Diddy’s Maybach
A drunk driver smashed into Diddy’s Maybach on Friday night outside Manhattan’s 1Oak nightclub. A new Maybach runs $426,000 — a bit more if you go for the nuclear engine instead of the V-12 — so, ya’ know, I hope the dude has insurance. According to TMZ, the guy that hit Diddy’s ride, Charles Lorenzo, was so drunk that he passed out face down on the street. I did the same thing at lunch last weekend after seeing the Sex and the City movie. I know you guys think I’m this tough dude and all because I’ve undefeated in cage matches, but I just can’t handle cosmos.
[TMZ]
Getty
Earlier this week some hostess at GoldBar in New York had the nerve to ask rap mogul Sean Combs (aka Diddy aka the guy that claims to have had sex for 30 straight hours) how many people were in his party. I know, I know, the nerve of that bitch. Don’t worry, ho got what was coming to her. From the New York Post:
A witness outside downtown hot spot GoldBar the other night said, “He walked right up to the door girl with four other people in his crew. When she asked him how many people he was with, Diddy just called her a ‘Fucking bitch’ and opened the velvet rope and let himself through.” Reps for GoldBar and Combs declined to comment. (Source)
I’m actually glad this happened. For the past decade I haven’t known what to call this guy. Puff Daddy? P Diddy? Diddy? I’ve pretty much stopped talking about him altogether because I don’t want to seem too white and call him the wrong name. But now I can just call him Asshole. Or is it A Hole? Or maybe just Hole. Dammit! First math and now this, why does life have to be so damn tough!
In what is most certainly not a made-up claim, rap mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs told the London Mirror he had sex for 30-straight hours upon arriving in London with girlfriend Kim Porter last week:
“As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it. As meticulous as I am with my work, I’m more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time.” (Source)
Is it possible to have too much of a good thing. I mean I enjoy sex as much as the next guy but, c’mon, 30 hours? If you’re anything like me, you just want to get in, do your business, and then get back to your puzzle. Right now, I’m working on a 10,000 piecer of a New England lighthouse. Such fun! Just like PlayStation!
UPDATE: A reader just kindly informed me the Eiffel Tower is not in London. Of course, I know this, I was merely testing you. Up next? THE OBSTACLE COURSE
The Los Angeles Police Department is investigating rap mogul Sean “Diddy” Combs over an alleged assault that occurred Sunday Night. 27-year-old Gerard Rechnitzer, a Los Angeles real estate broker, was at a post-Oscar party at the Roosevelt Hotel with his fiancée. While leaving the party at 2am, Rechnitzer made a quick trip to the bathroom. When he emerged, he noticed a group of six men–including Diddy–surrounding his fiancée. According to TMZ:
…the 5′7″, 140 lb. Rechnitzer watched as Combs chatted up his girl for about five minutes, and then asked his fiancée to leave with him. At that point, Combs allegedly told the woman he was having a party and invited her to come. Rechnitzer persisted and asked his fiancée again to leave with him. Combs then allegedly socked Rechnitzer in the jaw.
Rechnitzer, a real estate broker, called 911. The LAPD came out and took a report, but Combs had left before the cops arrived. An ambulance came but Rechnitzer declined treatment. (Source)
So this dude was standing a few feet away watching another guy hit on his fiancée for five minutes. Unbelievable. I hope this assault case gets taken to trial: “We the jury find the plaintiff, Gerard Rechnitzer, guilty of being a HUGE PUSSY.” I’m not sure how the legal system works but I’m pretty sure switcheroos like that are allowed.
Diddy almost came to blows with supermodel Naomi Campbell at Jermaine Dupri’s Grammy after-party on Sunday. According to a witness, as soon as he he saw the supermodel, Diddy “just started screaming at her.” While the two stars used to be quite friendly with each other, their relationship soured after Campbell declined the [unpaid] opportunity to be the face of the Sean John clothing line. According to one party guest:
“No one could believe it. He was screaming obscenities at her, and also screaming at Terrence Howard, who was with her.” Campbell, however, brushed it off. “Naomi played it totally cool.” (Source)
I’ve never had a problem fighting women–especially them uppity hippies with their loud mouths and unshaven legs–but Naomi Campbell is not a chick I would fuck with. Her testosterone levels have to be sky high, right? I’m talking man levels. That’s the only rational explanation for all of her aggressive behavior. My lawyer told me that, as of January 1 we can legally start calling her Nate Campbell. As for peeing standing up. Nate/Naomi will find a way. He’s resourceful like that.
Is rap mogul Diddy banging Sienna Miller? According to sources, the couple was seen getting awfully cozy at Tao during the Sundance Film Festival. And then on Sunday morning Diddy was photographed dropping Miller off at her New York hotel after a rumored long night of partying. Oh yeah, Diddy just had twins with someone not named Sienna Miller. According to TMZ:
Diddy had a trapped rat look when he noticed cameras watching from across the street — and we’re told a bodyguard was sent over to the photographer to try and get him to delete the footage.
Does it ever not look suspicious asking a photographer to erase footage of you? Diddy could have totally played this off as just him dropping off a friend after a routine night of partying. But then he had to overreact and set everyone’s imagination off to the races. I’m picturing Diddy and Miller engaged in some sort of crazy sex game involving dead animals and watermelons. And illegal immigrants. Definiteley some illegal immigrants.
Check out Diddy eye fucking Jessica Biel at the Golden Globes earlier this week. You know this is one of the problems with the paparazzi. You can’t do anything–be it oogle some nice breasts, pick you nose, or silently masturbate in the corner–without someone getting a damn picture of you. I miss the old days of the industry when it was all about the angles and lighting. Now it seems like they’re just trying to create controversy.
Diddy
Not sure why this is news but I’ll go ahead and run with it anyways: P. Diddy bought a massive teddy bear for his soon-to-be-born twins:
P. Diddy and Kim Porter — who are expecting twins in December — recently ordered a teddy bear from posh kiddie store PetitTresor.com. Not just any teddy bear, though, a life-sized, eight-foot-tall one. The couple isn’t revealing the gender of their forthcoming babies, so the Scoop asked if the ribbon tied around the toy animal was ordered in blue or pink. “Neither,” says the source. “Gold. Bling!”
Call me crazy but an eight-foot-tall teddy bear will probably scare the shit out of a couple of toddlers. Puff might want to keep his little Diddys away from Teddy Grahams and The Animal Planet for about the next twenty years. He might as well have cut to the chase and bought his kids the DVD box set of The Best of America’s Most Wanted 7: Baby Rapists and Child Molesters.
Can you imagine stumbling home from a bar and seeing an eight-foot-tall teddy bear lurking in the corner of your bedroom? I’d wouldn’t know whether to scream bloody murder or make a drunken pass at it (my standards go WAY down when I get some liquor in me).
[WENN]
