Recently in Demi Moore Category


Demi Moore at the Berlin Film Festival in Germany (2/11)

Demi Moore says that by calling her out on her lie about never having had plastic surgery, we're attacking all women. Don't kid yourself Demi. You're not that important. She Twittered on Monday:
"All this garbage that came out today about me is nothing more than an effort to diminish not just me but all women."
Demi's got it wrong. I wasn't trying to diminish ALL women -- just the women that rely solely on their appearance to get what they want in life and then try to maintain those fading looks with expensive medical procedures and then lie about having had those expensive medical procedures. If Demi -- a woman whose entire career was built on looks -- actually thinks we care about her opinion, I have a few words of advice for her: "Shut the fuck up!" Also: "It's not your opinions I masturbate to!"

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Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher at the premiere of Spread in L.A. (8/3)

In the latest issue of French Marie Claire, Demi Moore claims that she's never had plastic surgery. Ever. Hmmm, I think the tits she had in Striptease would disagree (NSFW pics here, here, and here). She told the magazine:
"It’s completely false. I’ve never had it done. But I would never judge those who have. If it’s the best thing for them, then I don’t see a problem. I don’t like the idea of having an operation to hold up the ageing process - it’s a way to combat your neurosis. The scalpel won’t make you happy.

"That said, the day when I start crying when I look at myself in the mirror might be the day when I’m less adamant about not having it done. But for the moment I prefer to be a beautiful woman of my age than try desperately to look 30."
I get this all the time, too. For some reason, women think I've had work done. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard the phrase "Is that a horse's cock?," I'd be a very rich man.

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Ashton Kutcher (and Bruce Willis) at his stepdaughter Scout's high school graduation ceremony in Culver City, CA (6/4)

Ashton Kutcher was raced to the hospital earlier this month in the Bahamas after blood started gushing from his ear. Interesting, I have the same reaction whenever I hear Audrina Patridge attempt to form a coherent sentence. Oh god, make her stop! She's. So. Dumb. From the National Enquirer:
The Punk'd star was filming new flick, Five Killers, in the Bahamas on July 7 when production was halted as Ashton was rushed to a local hospital in Nassau, a production insider told The ENQUIRER.

"Demi was terrified," the source confided. "She's been staying with Ashton while he's been filming water scenes for the movie. And when she was told he was being rushed to the hospital bleeding from his ear, she thought the worst. Demi really lost it for several minutes. She was crying as she raced to the hospital."

Ashton was diagnosed with a ruptured eardrum. He was promptly treated and already joking around with hospital staff and production assistants by the time Demi arrived.

"When Ashton saw Demi, he said cheerfully, 'Hi, honey! I'm fine. Come join the party!'" said the source. Ashton was a trouper," added the source. "He didn't even miss a day of filming."
The fact that Demi freaked out at the hospital is a little surprising. Especially when you consider she's been under the knife more than Julius Caesar.*

*too soon?

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Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher at an amusement park in L.A. in January

Demi Moore's kids have had just about enough of her and husband Ashton Kutcher's "online antics." Like when Ashton posted a pic of Demi's ass on Twitter last month. Not cool dude. An insider told the National Enquirer:
"Seeing their mom and stepdad act like teenagers makes the girls cringe! They think their online exchanges are embarrassing and uncool. The girls freaked out when they saw Demi's butt in the air. They sat Demi and Ashton down and told them they needed to curb their immature behavior. Demi said it was just innocent fun, but Rumer shook her head in frustration and said, 'Grow up, Mom!'"
Enough complaining. Demi's kids should consider themselves lucky that their mom married someone with a sense of humor. She could have married Dane Cook. THIS ORDINARY SENTENCE IS FREAKING HILARIOUS BECAUSE I AM TYPING IN ALL CAPS WITH HIGH ENERGY!!!

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Demi Moore's ass

Ashton Kutcher Twittered about Demi Moore's ass on Saturday. He was also nice enough to post a picture:
watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck
Since Ashton's such a fan of Twitter, I thought it'd be fun to make up some Tweets we may see from him in the future:
watching my wife get ready to go out to dinner. It's 2:15.
2:30 PM April 10th from TweetDeck

watching an infidel getting beaten to death by a stick. I love Allah!
6:28 PM April 22nd from TweetDeck

watching my daughter Rumer undress.
1:02 AM May 14th from TweetDeck

Oops, how do I delete these things?
1:04 AM May 14th from TweetDeck
And my personal favorite:
just ran into Cloris Leachman at Starbucks. So fucking hot!
11:52 AM June 15th from TweetDeck

Demi Moore and Dolly Parton

By DReaD

Demi Moore used to be one of the world’s most desired women and this was demonstrated when she became the first actress to make $10 million a movie. Moore became so powerful in the movie industry that she was able to make re-writes to movies she appeared in. Her infamous howl of “suck my dick” in “GI Jane” actually read “excuse me sergeant, have you seen my hair curlers?” in the original screenplay.

For “Striptease” Moore was given $12 million. The film shows off two of the most famous plastic tits in Hollywood, Burt Reynolds and Armand Assante. These men still believe nothing says macho more than a hairy chest, a gold medallion and the ability to melt their faces in front of hot studio lights.

oore paid a film crew to film the birth of her daughter, Rumer Willis. After seeing the baby, the director immediately offered a refund.

Talking about famous plastic tits, Dolly Parton is sitting on a goldmine. The petite singer is worth somewhere in the region of $220 million. Being a loveable, beautiful and intelligent woman with a huge pair of breasts fortune means Dolly is the target of many unwanted suitors, but none of them have hands big enough for her huge pair of breasts liking.

Dolly was actually born in 1946 but has not let age wither her glamorous style. Her wigs, false eyelashes, heavy make-up and cosmetic surgery help give her that natural look cowboys like, although it would be cheaper for her to give them all a six-pack of Bud each and then knock herself out.

Dolly has often claimed her hefty chest is all “bought and paid for”, at a cost of just $3,000. But in those early days of cosmetic surgery, doctors didn’t use saline implants, they used sides of beef.

George Clooney and Jack Nicholson

George Clooney is a rich man. The UN peace envoy was paid a rumored $28 million just to make three lousy Batman films, fortunately he only managed to make one lousy Batman film. When asked about what his role as UN peace envoy entails he said something about getting to bang foxy chicks from under-developed countries who normally would not get a chance with a movie star. What a trooper.

UN peace envoy Clooney is known for his philanthropic ways and his love for nature. He has even been known to return or reject salaries that are too high. His reason being, once you get to $100 million, that’s enough for him and his friends to play “Virtual Monopoly” with real money… and real houses… and real cannons.

UN peace envoy Clooney made an appearance in the film “Return of the Killer Tomatoes”. His fee? A family sized bag of chips, a slightly used electric shaver and the chance to tap the director’s “personal assistant”.

One of the greatest actors, Jack Nicholson, is also a great negotiator; he pulled of a deal worth $60 million just to play the Joker in “Batman”. He did this by entering the producer’s office by smashing his head through the door and reprising his role as Jack from “The Shining”. The poor, innocent Hollywood producer was so scared he offered Nicholson anything. Nicholson accepted the producer’s percentage deal, his new Ferrari, his coke stash, his wife and his 20 year old girlfriend.

The amount of Jack’s wealth is something of legend. The exact figure is cloudy, like his urine after a night out with close friend Roman Polanski, but figures of around $700 million have been mentioned. This is enough to get him into George Lucas’ high-stakes poker games, where cars, houses and even midgets have swapped hands.

Jack is a big fan of a group of men and women who are the absolute epitome of acting and demonstrate skills at the highest echelons of theatrics… the WWE.

Demi Moore is photoshopped

Demi Moore on the cover of V magazine's Spring Preview 2008

The head is Demi's but no way in hell that body is hers -- thing looks like it came from a 17-year-old. She might as well be wearing a letterman jacket. Four year starter in whoring!

Demi Moore in her panties Demi Moore in a bra Demi Moore doesn’t look like this
It looks like a rug

It looks like a rug

I think Demi Moore forgot that she was born in 1962. She's blaming her husband Ashton Kutcher's new haircut for making her "look old". Mike Walker of the National Enquirer says:

. . . Demi first eyeballed his surprise clip and shrieked: "You look like a little boy - and that makes me look like an old woman!" . . . [Demi] not only refused to go to dinner with him and his new 'do because she was paranoid that people would stare, she put her foot down and ordered: "Grow it out - and NEVER, EVER cut it that short again!" (Source)

Uhh Demi, it's not Ashton's haircut that makes you look old, it's your adult kids/sagging skin/AARP card. Now let me be clear: I wouldn't kick Demi out of bed for wearing Depends but I would make her take her calcium pills before we bumped uglies . . . hip replacements are expensive.

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Dearest Demi, leave the exposed nipples to the younger generation, the Lohans, Spears, and Hiltons. Like the party in my 9-year-old mouth that was candy cigarettes, your time has come and gone.

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Bruce Willis is friends with Ashton Kutcher

Daily Mail

Yes that's Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore cuddling in the back of this boat and yes that's Demi's ex-husband Bruce Willis fishing. The picture was taken while the two lovebirds were visiting Willis at his home in the Turks and Caicos Islands. There's a joke about Bruce Willis' long pole that is just screaming to made here. But, for once in my life, I'll take the classy high road. Just this post, though. I got a lot of masturbation and poop jokes planned for next week. It's gonna be awesome. Tell your friends!