David Hasselhoff at the 2009 Nautica Malibu Triathlon (9/13)
David Hasselhoff was hospitalized on Sunday after an epic two-day vodka bender. It seems that vodka didn't get the message about not hassling the Hoff. From RadarOnline:
The Hoff was taken from his home to an Encino, CA hospital Sunday afternoon after 911 was called . . . When he appeared to be in physical danger 911 was called and he was transported to the hospital. His daughter went with him and was crying heavily.
Hoff has consistently been in denial about his severe alcoholism say people close to him. He denied that it was alcohol poisoning behind his hospitalization earlier this year but the details of his story changed as more people confirmed it.
"It's sad," a source told RadarOnline.com. "He needs help and he's in denial."
Wow, this story didn't turn out as funny as I thought it would be. In fact, it turns out that crippling alcoholism is actually sorta sad. I vote that we sweep this under the rug and talk about something funny instead. Like clowns. What up with those flowers they wear that shoot water? They get me every time!
David Hasselhoff was rushed to the hospital on Saturday night after his daughter found him unconscious on the floor. According to the Hoff, he walked in on two robbers ransacking his Encino home around 8 PM. After knocking one of them out with a roundhouse kick to the temple, the second guy -- who was hiding in a closet -- jumped out and hit him over the head with a large vase, knocking him out . . . I'm totally kidding. He passed out after getting too drunk. From RadarOnline:
For Hasselhoff, it was yet another case of alcohol poisoning and an emergency rush to the hospital to save his life. This time the rescuer was his ex-wife actress Pamela Bach from whom he’s been bitterly estranged. Hayley called her mom, who lives 10 minutes away in the Hollywood Hills and she rushed to the rescue and drove him to the hospital where doctors yet again saved his life.
This time the vodka-guzzling "America’s Got Talent" judge registered a staggering .39. alcohol level. Drunk driving in California is .08.
A source said a frightened Hayley kept "slapping her dad’s face" to keep him alive. "He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital. He’s recovering. Pam was his bedside till 4a.m. this morning. This is about the 7th time he’s been taken to a hospital over the last few years with alcohol poisoning. How many visits will it take before he dies?"
To give you an idea of what it takes to blow a .39, check out this site. Estimating the Hoff's weight to be 200 pounds, it takes 22 beers consumed in one hour -- or 19 glasses of champagne if you want to keep it classy -- to blow a .39. In other words, he has a major drinking problem and is probably just a few years away from his death. Wow, this post isn't nearly as funny as it was in my head an hour ago. Actually, it's sorta depressing. Now that I think about it, I may have to push back that post I was working on about the "Top 10 Forms of Cancer" that was scheduled to run later today.
+ Jessica Stroup gets chesty for Vanity Fair [Popoholic]
+ Marlene Favela is the hottest chick you've never heard of [Holy Taco]
+ President Obama being criticized for poor grammar [Bossip]
+ Hugh Jackman gives Barbara Walters a lap dance [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
According to Flynet, The Hoff got absolutely fucked up last night in London:
A very tipsy and red faced David Hasselhoff pictured on a nightout in London's West End. The Hoff arrived at the Ivy restaurant in a chauffeur driven car at around 9pm already looking worse for wear, and left an hour later with his friends who helped him sneek in to a black cab, in order to fool the waiting photographers on route to his hotel. At around midnight Hasselhoff sneeked again this time out of his hotel on foot as he was spotted around Soho, walking toward the Groucho Club. However when he saw photographers he quickly turned around and headed back to his hotel, looking even more off balance as he was chased by two female fans. London. UK.
Two female fans. Yeah right. What is this, Germany? No, I'm kidding. The Hoff gets a pass on this one. That's the least I can do to show my appreciation for the work he did on Baywatch during my masturbatory formative years . . . God's work, really. *makes Sign of the Cross*
David Hasselhoff is not just a judge on America's Got Talent, he actually has his own unique talent, too: using his assistant to score ass. A source told the New York Daily News:
"Last week, a group of three came into [Murray Hill bar in New York City], and they were laughing up a storm. They had just come from a taping of 'America's Got Talent,' where Hasselhoff is a judge. The female of the group [a busty, cute brunette] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff after the taping, and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant's phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with 'them.' Also listed was the name of the hotel [the London] where they were staying."
But did the lady call? Apparently not.
"She thought it was pathetic and funny," laughs the snitch. (Source)
This is why I want to be famous. When you're rich and famous, you can afford to have some lackey take your head shot up to hot chicks with your digits on it. Then, from the comfort of your hotel room, you just sit back and wait for the ones with low self esteem to call. And, if they happen to laugh at you for being "pathetic", at least they're not doing it to your face . . . like they occasionally do now . . . OK, all the time . . . anyone have a tissue?
I had a nightmare about this exact scenario last night, though of course I was naked (disclaimer: I'm naked in 98% of my dreams). The New York Post has more:
David Hasselhoff was a little confused Friday night at an L.A. event, where spies say he kept asking when the Victoria's Secret lingerie show was going to start and where his seat was. But the Hoff had his invites wrong — he was actually at a Phi Beta PINK keg party. The recently rehabbed actor quickly headed to the gifting suite, where he loaded up on goodies for his daughters. (Source)
I can see how David Hasselhoff could get confused. Lingerie shows and sorority parties are pretty much the same thing. Hot chicks prance around in skimpy outfits, perverted dudes sit around and stare, and most of the women are in the bathrooms puking their dinners into the toilets. The only difference is that at a sorority party, the chicks usually end up making out with each other . . . well that and a few of them can spell.
The Hoff is dating again! The former star of Baywatch and recovering alcoholic hit up the Fourth of July party at the Playboy mansion and, according to a witness, spent most of his time flirting with The Departed actress Sallie Toussaint. The New York Post reveals:
Later, Toussaint, Playboy's August celeb babe of the month, told a pal, "David's my childhood crush, and such a nice slice of American man snack!" As for why she chose to pose in a bikini rather than the buff, Toussaint laughed, "Like most women, I only want to be seen naked in a very dark room." (Source)
Even in a bikini, she'll still only be seen in a "very dark room" ... by 13-year-old boys with flashlights and jars of Vaseline underneath their covers!
Uhhhh ... ummmmm .... seriously, nothing I write could possibly be as hilarious as a drunken David Hasselhoff eating food off the ground. Normally alcoholism isn't that funny. It destroys families and tears apart communities. But in this instance, it's OK to laugh. Because he's famous.
UPDATE: The Hoff released a statement to The Insider:
"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse. Because of my honest and positive relationship with my daughters who were concerned for my well being there was a tape made that night to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my daughters. The tape was never meant to become public, but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have."
