David Hasselhoff

David Hasselhoff filming Celebrity Apprentice Australia at Bondi Beach (1/16)

MY CAPTION: "This is how I carry four beers at once."

YOUR CAPTION: Leave it in the comments . . .

*15 David Hasselhoff pictures total in the gallery:

David Hasselhoff is a sad and lonely man

This might be the saddest thing I've ever read. Flynet says:

Actor David Hasselhoff getting ready for his daughter Hayley's birthday. He bought some gift wrapping paper after having lunch at Chili's alone in Burbank, CA.

I feel so . . . depressed. I will be your friend, David Hasselhoff. I will be your friend.

*14 David Hasselhoff pictures total in the gallery:

David Hasselhoff in London (1/20)

CAPTION: "Guess which one of these smells like Pamela Anderson's vagina?"

*10 David Hasselhoff pictures total in the gallery:

David Hasselhoff arriving to ITV studios in London (9/29)

Tough holiday weekend for the Hasselhoff children. Dad was taken to the hospital because of an alcohol-induced seizure on Friday. And mom was arrested for DUI on Saturday. First up, dad:

David Hasselhoff was rushed to a hospital by ambulance Friday after suffering a seizure, RadarOnline.com has learned exclusively.

Hasselhoff's neighbor Christian (he asked that we not use his last name), told RadarOnline.com that he saw the ambulance arrive at Hasselhoff's home. "I asked one of the paramedics how David was doing and he told me his eyes were rolling back into his head, he was drooling and that he'd had a seizure."  Unfortunately, said Christian, "this isn't the first time this has happened to him."

Hasselhoff, who has a long history of alcoholism, had been drinking in the past two days. Sources also tell RadarOnline.com that the former Baywatch star has been on anti-seizure medication.

And mom:

Hasselhoff's ex-wife Bach was arrested on a DUI charge by the California Highway Patrol on Saturday night while driving down the 101 Freeway near Laurel Canyon Blvd. According to a Los Angeles Police Department jail spokesman, she was taken into custody at the Van Nuys jail and later released on her own recognizance.

"There was no bail. She is fine. She was picked up and driven home by a friend," Bach's publicist tells PEOPLE. "She will deal with this."

Bach was arrested before for a felony DUI, last March in L.A.

The important thing for the Hasselhoff children is to stay positive. You gotta look at the bright side of this situation . . . ummm, I guess show and tell at school will be a lot more interesting. "Here's the stomach pump my dad's doctor ordered him to install in his master bathroom and here's my mom's ankle monitor from her first DUI this year . . ."

David Hasselhoff at the 2009 Nautica Malibu Triathlon (9/13)

David Hasselhoff was hospitalized on Sunday after an epic two-day vodka bender. It seems that vodka didn't get the message about not hassling the Hoff. From RadarOnline:

The Hoff was taken from his home to an Encino, CA hospital Sunday afternoon after 911 was called . . . When he appeared to be in physical danger 911 was called and he was transported to the hospital. His daughter went with him and was crying heavily.

Hoff has consistently been in denial about his severe alcoholism say people close to him. He denied that it was alcohol poisoning behind his hospitalization earlier this year but the details of his story changed as more people confirmed it.

"It's sad," a source told RadarOnline.com. "He needs help and he's in denial."

Wow, this story didn't turn out as funny as I thought it would be. In fact, it turns out that crippling alcoholism is actually sorta sad. I vote that we sweep this under the rug and talk about something funny instead. Like clowns. What up with those flowers they wear that shoot water? They get me every time!

David Hasselhoff at Coachella last month

David Hasselhoff was rushed to the hospital on Saturday night after his daughter found him unconscious on the floor. According to the Hoff, he walked in on two robbers ransacking his Encino home around 8 PM. After knocking one of them out with a roundhouse kick to the temple, the second guy -- who was hiding in a closet -- jumped out and hit him over the head with a large vase, knocking him out . . . I'm totally kidding. He passed out after getting too drunk. From RadarOnline: 

For Hasselhoff, it was yet another case of alcohol poisoning and an emergency rush to the hospital to save his life. This time the rescuer was his ex-wife actress Pamela Bach from whom he’s been bitterly estranged. Hayley called her mom, who lives 10 minutes away in the Hollywood Hills and she rushed to the rescue and drove him to the hospital where doctors yet again saved his life.

This time the vodka-guzzling "America’s Got Talent" judge registered a staggering .39. alcohol level. Drunk driving in California is .08.

A source said a frightened Hayley kept "slapping her dad’s face" to keep him alive. "He was barely breathing when they got him at the hospital. He’s recovering. Pam was his bedside till 4a.m. this morning. This is about the 7th time he’s been taken to a hospital over the last few years with alcohol poisoning. How many visits will it take before he dies?"

To give you an idea of what it takes to blow a .39, check out this site. Estimating the Hoff's weight to be 200 pounds, it takes 22 beers consumed in one hour -- or 19 glasses of champagne if you want to keep it classy -- to blow a .39. In other words, he has a major drinking problem and is probably just a few years away from his death. Wow, this post isn't nearly as funny as it was in my head an hour ago. Actually, it's sorta depressing. Now that I think about it, I may have to push back that post I was working on about the "Top 10 Forms of Cancer" that was scheduled to run later today.

David Hasselhoff at the Intercontinental Hotel in Abu Dhabi, UAE (2/23)

+ A little something for the ladies [Just Jared]

+ Jessica Alba pretends to like her kid [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Zac Efron motorboats Vanessa Hudgens [Egotastic!]
+ Emily Blunt gets the boot from Iron Man 2 [F-Listed]
+ Rachel Leigh Cook has nice cleavage [TaxiDriverMovie]

+ Jessica Stroup gets chesty for Vanity Fair [Popoholic]
+ Marlene Favela is the hottest chick you've never heard of [Holy Taco]
+ President Obama being criticized for poor grammar [Bossip]
+ Hugh Jackman gives Barbara Walters a lap dance [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

David Hasselhoff is drunk

According to Flynet, The Hoff got absolutely fucked up last night in London:

A very tipsy and red faced David Hasselhoff pictured on a nightout in London's West End. The Hoff arrived at the Ivy restaurant in a chauffeur driven car at around 9pm already looking worse for wear, and left an hour later with his friends who helped him sneek in to a black cab, in order to fool the waiting photographers on route to his hotel. At around midnight Hasselhoff sneeked again this time out of his hotel on foot as he was spotted around Soho, walking toward the Groucho Club. However when he saw photographers he quickly turned around and headed back to his hotel, looking even more off balance as he was chased by two female fans. London. UK.

Two female fans. Yeah right. What is this, Germany? No, I'm kidding. The Hoff gets a pass on this one. That's the least I can do to show my appreciation for the work he did on Baywatch during my masturbatory formative years . . . God's work, really. *makes Sign of the Cross*