David Beckham

David Beckham at his son Brooklyn's soccer game in L.A. last October

David Beckham revealed on The Jonathan Ross Show over the weekend that a ref recently kicked him out of his nine-year-old son Romeo's soccer game in Los Angeles. Beckham responded by buying the entire soccer league and then firing the ref. Well not really, but he could have if he wanted to. He said:

"I was watching the kids play the other day, it was the younger kids of Romeo's club, and there was a penalty given," he said on the talk show. "And the kids are seven years old and he sent the kid off. And I was like, 'Come on, he's seven, referee, you can't send him off.'

"He looked at me and was like, 'Yes, I can.' And he came over and gave me a red card. He told me to get out of the park. For real. The gate was only 20 yards away and I waited and went back in when my son's game was on."

D. Beck, I'm sorry but you know the score. That's the type of vindictiveness we put up with because we beautiful people are who we are. It's why I've had to cut down on taking my shirt off in public -- the supermodels are too catty and their boyfriends can't get past the obvious dampness in their crotches. I know that's our cross to bare, but we do what must be done because if we don't, then who will?

*20 David Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

David Beckham for the ladies

Along with the rest of the LA Galaxy, David Beckham was in Melbourne, Australia earlier this week for the "Hyundai Club Challenge" against Melbourne Victory FC. There he is at the end of the match with his shirt off, which I guess some female Celebslam fans might find appealing. Honestly, some of you chicks really disgust me with the way you judge men solely on their appearance. I bet you have small tits. Ew gross!

*6 David Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

David Beckham at the beach in Malibu (8/12)

I just don't get what women see in this David Beckham guy. Besides unparalleled athleticism, worldwide fame, tens of millions of dollars in the bank, and rock-hard abs, he really doesn't have anything I don't have. Yet, it's been six months since I've been on a date, nine if you're not counting family members. I swear, women are so confusing. That's what I always tell my cats.

*47 David Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Stop sending the Beckhams baby gifts

Seriously. The Beckhams are worth $100+ million. Quit sending them baby crap. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Victoria and David Beckham want to stop the constant flow of baby presents for new daughter Harper — from people they don’t know. Most of the items, including 14 pricy strollers, have been sent by kiddie goods manufacturers, hoping for a Beckham endorsement, or even a paparazzi shot of the celebrity couple using their product in public.

To solve the problem, the Beckhams have instructed their staff to send the unsolicited gifts to a number of worthy children’s charities in the Los Angeles area.

The Beckhams are donating these baby gifts to children's charities? Hah, what losers! Don't they know how much strollers go for on the black market? Thousands of dollars. Someone's never taken a basic economics class . . .

*16 David Beckham and Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

David Beckham in Malibu (4/16)

There's some pictures out today of Bridget Marquardt and her awesome big ol' fake boobies in a bikini (here), so naturally, I thought I'd post these pictures of David Beckham instead. I'm an asshole!

*25 David Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

David Beckham arriving at Washington Reagan National Airport (4/11)

A judge has ordered David Beckham to pay In Touch Weekly $277,000. Whoa, I had no idea they were so serious about collecting unpaid subscription fees. From The Sun:

A US judge has ordered DAVID BECKHAM to fork out £170,000 over his legal battle with lying hooker IRMA NICI. Becks, 35, was told to pay the legal costs of mag In Touch, which ran a totally false story about him paying the 27-year-old Bosnian tart for sex in New York and London. The married England hero could prove he was nowhere near her on the nights she claimed. But a court kicked out his £16million writ under US free speech rules. Becks is appealing. In Touch publisher Bauer won the payout in LA after claiming it had "successfully opposed" Beckham's "unmeritorious complaint".

The ironic thing about this story is that David could have avoided this whole situation in the first place if he just would've banged this hooker. Because then he wouldn't have had to waste so much money claiming he didn't. In conclusion, not cheating can cost a man hundreds of thousands of dollars. Ladies, you can't argue with that logic. So remember that the next time you "cry" and "throw things" because your boyfriend got one innocent little blowjob from that chick from Accounting . . . Mindy I think her name was . . . or maybe it was Mandy.

*11 David Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham at LAX airport (12/5)

David and Victoria Beckham's rep revealed over the weekend that the couple is expecting their fourth child:

"David and Victoria Beckham are delighted to confirm they are expecting their fourth child in the summer. Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz are very excited about the arrival of their new brother or sister."

C'mon you two, you didn't have to make this announcement so soon. There's ways you could have taken care of this problem. And David, if Victoria starts blabbering and crying about wanting to keep the baby, I've found that $1,000 in cold hard cash and an intimidating stare can be very persuasive.

*15 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery: 

David Beckham at the LA Galaxy vs. FC Dallas game in L.A. (10/24)

Here's some pics of David Beckham changing shorts on the sideline yesterday at the Galaxy game. Whatever. He's not even that good-looking. He reminds me a lot of myself during my awkward freshman year of high school before my cock got all huge.

*15 David Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

The Claridge's Hotel in London 

In Touch Weekly says David Beckham cheated on Victoria Beckham in 2007 with a "high-class" call girl who won't keep her fucking mouth shut. Yes, if true, I'm sure 2007 was the only time David cheated. He probably recognized the error of his ways right after his blowjob was finished and then immediately became faithful again. It happens all the time. From the mag:

“It was a high,” Irma, 26, tells In Touch. “All of these women dream of being with him, and I got to hook up with him. It was very exciting.”

Irma claims that after agreeing on a price of $10,000 to stay the night, the two spent the next hour engaged in steamy foreplay. Irma says she then “whipped out” a condom and the two had sex for 15 minutes, but it was “nothing freaky,” she remembers. “He was very gentle and kind.” On a scale of 1 to 10, Irma rates David a 7½ as a lover. “He knew what he was doing.” She also recalls that David used lotion from the hotel bathroom to pleasure himself. “It was perfumed, so it kind of burned him!”

During their initial sexual encounter, David even opened up about wife of 11 years, Victoria. Irma says that David told her he preferred Victoria’s old curvier body. “He was saying that he liked her body more before,” she says. David also revealed to Irma that he is “more of a butt man than a breast man.”

I call bullshit on this story. There's no way David Beckham and his dreamy six-pack (no homo) would have to pay a woman $10,000 to sleep with him. The guy probably gets more solicitations for sex than a teenager at R. Kelly's house. Oh, and here's a newsflash for Irma, the "former high-class call girl": it wasn't the hotel's perfumed lotion that made David's dick burn. It was your worn-out vagina.

*6 pictures total in the gallery:

The Beckhams dog is richer than you

5-star accommodations, 5-star dining, David and Victoria Beckham's new bulldog puppy is living a serious life of luxury. Oh that reminds me, rent on my studio apartment is due soon. From the New York Daily News:

David and Victoria Beckham's bulldog puppy, K9, just jetted from London to Los Angeles in high style at the bone-crunching price of $3300, according to the Daily Mail Online.

That's the going rate for premiere canine comfort on PetAir, England's top-of-the-line pet transportation company. The price tag includes the ticket, special carrier and chow and a preflight health check for the dog, which was a Christmas gift from Posh to Becks.

Since the new year, K9 had been staying at home of chef Gordon Ramsay, according to the Daily Mail. The lucky dog reportedly enjoyed a tasty pre-flight meal prepared by the pugnacious pot-and-pan handler.

The Beckhams were just named the fifth highest-earning Hollywood couple. Gourmet meals and inflight comforts are tastes of what's to come for the lucky pooch.

"In its very short life, David's dog has already seen the kind of luxury it will enjoy," a friend said. "It's been fed by the U.K.'s leading star chef and has now been in total comfort to L.A."

Isn't this how the French Revolution started? The general populace found out that the pets of the wealthy were living better lives than they were and they decided to revolt? Now typically I'm not one to go around instigating civil unrest, but when a god damn mutt is eating in luxury and I'm stuck stealing salt packets from McDonald's, for a moment -- just a moment -- I can see the appeal of building a guillotine.