Crystal Harris

Hugh Hefner's ex Crystal Harris is a total bitch

You don't kick a man's oxygen tank when he's down. I'm sorry but you just don't. The nerve of this Crystal Harris bitch. From the New York Post:

Crystal Harris, 25, told radio shock jock Howard Stern on Tuesday that she had never seen the 85 year-old magazine mogul naked, and that their sex life left a lot to be desired.

"Hef doesn't really take off his clothes. I have never seen him naked," she giggled in an appearance on Stern's SiriusXM radio show . . . "I was over it. I just like, walked away. I am not turned on by Hef. Sorry."

Harris, who left Hefner and his Playboy Mansion five days before their planned June 18 wedding, claimed the pair only had sex once during their two-year relationship, and that it lasted "like about two seconds."

I don't know who comes across worse in this story -- the 85-year-old grandfather that lasts only 2 seconds in the sack or the gold-digging prostitute who actually had sex with the 85-year-old grandfather that lasts only 2 seconds in the sack. In Hugh's defense, I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer if I nailed someone that had tits like Crystal. And in Crystal's defense, the smell of hundred dollar bills can cover the stench of Ben Gay and Musilex.

*37 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

When you have articles of clothing older than your fiancée, that's a pretty big clue that you need a prenup. Nevertheless, TMZ says:

He's 84 and worth $43 million ... she's 24 and knows he's worth $43 million -- yet sources close to Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris tell TMZ neither has uttered those dreaded words ... "prenuptial agreement."

Hef's third wedding is just 10 weeks away, but we're told he hasn't raised a prenup convo because he "actually cares" about Crystal and doesn't want to ask her to sign one. We're told Crystal doesn't think Hef will bring it up before they tie the knot.

Of course Hef doesn't need a prenup. Dude is 84. Even if Crystal divorces him in a year and takes half his fortune, he won't remember it. The only thing 84-year-old men care about is applesauce, not if they'll have enough money to live on in ten years.

*5 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Crystal Harris cheating on Hugh Hefner

Wow, this story just totally changes my opinion about Crystal Harris. I really thought she was in this marriage for the love. From Life & Style:

Hugh Hefner’s fiancée, Crystal Harris, is doing more than just making music with her former record producer, Jordan McGraw. The Life & Style Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Crystal — who got engaged to Hef in December — has been caught with another man…and it’s Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan!

We watched the 24-year-old lovebirds cozy up at the Chateau Marmont in LA on March 14. While Crystal was hoping to keep their romance low-key, Jordan didn’t care to hide his affections, kissing her shoulder and trying to hold her hand — still adorned with her 6-carat engagement ring. Despite Crystal’s impending June 18 wedding date to the Playboy founder, sources tell us that she and Jordan are very happy together.

“They’ve been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal’s relationship image,” a source tells the Scene Queens.

If you're going to cheat on an old guy with a younger man, make sure it isn't with Dr. Phil's son. Considering who his father is, the guy's probably got more daddy issues than a pregnant teenage stripper. Nevertheless, I'm not sure I believe Crystal would do this to Hef. After all, if you can't trust a woman that takes off her clothes for money and sells her soul for fame, who can you trust?

*6 Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and his fiance Crystal Harris celebrating New Years

I don't understand why everyone's making such a big deal about the age difference between Hugh Hefner and his new fiancée Crystal Harris. He was only 61 when she said her first words "sugar dadda." From Entertainment Tonight:

Hugh Hefner and his fiancée Crystal Harris welcome ET's Kevin Frazier into the Playboy Mansion for the dish on their wedding, their 60-year-age gap, and whether or not they plan on having kids!

But what about that big age gap between 84-year-old Hef and 24-year-old Crystal? Is it problematic? "I don't notice the age difference with Hef at all," Crystal says. "If anything I have to keep up with him."

Sorry honey, there isn't enough money, liquor, or light switches in the world to make me believe that you don't notice the age difference. This Crystal chick needs to stop spouting the company line and admit that hooking up with a guy as old as Hef is like making out with a scrotum: they're both wrinkly, droopy, and look like they haven't seen sunlight since the 70s.

*5 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris in Las Vegas in 2009. Awk. Ward.

And now, a completely normal story about a man getting engaged to his girlfriend over the holidays. From E!:

It certainly was a very merry Christmas at the Playboy Mansion. Hugh Hefner, 84, and his 24-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris are engaged. The two began dating almost two years ago.

Hef tweeted, "When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory."

Of course she burst into tears. You'd cry, too, if you were a 24-year-old engaged to an 84-year-old. Hell, I'm surprised she hasn't jumped off a bridge yet.

*5 Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris leaving Katsuya (12/15)

Hugh Hefner and his soulless girlfriend Crystal Harris went out for sushi at Katsuya last week in Hollywood, and Hugh brought his own damn food to the restaurant (pork chops and a baked potato according to PCN). I know what you're thinking: Hef's finally lost it. Maybe, but he gets a pass on this one. He hates sushi. It reminds him too much of his childhood. That's all his mom used to feed the family after his father left to go fight the North at Gettysburg. Those damn Yankee bastards!

*10 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

Karissa and Kristina Shannon, Hugh Hefner, and Crystal Harris

I guess Hugh Hefner's getting bored with the twins. The Playboy founder is now dating a third girl, 22-year-old college student Crystal Harris. From the New York Daily News:

"I'm a good girl, for the most part," new Hef gal pal Crystal Harris writes on her MySpace page. (The 34-25-34 San Diego State University psychology student and PETA supporter lists "the rain, the seasons, fast cars, good food, volunteering, great company, caring and honest people, the ocean and animals" among her interests.)

Harris introduced herself on an E! online message board over the holidays, telling fans that "Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion." No other girlfriends are in the mix at this time, she says, but "there are a couple that we have interest in. ... As for now, it is just us three." (Source)

If someone who takes off her clothes for money, sleeps with an octogenarian, and engages in group sex is a "good girl," I'd hate to see a bad one. Other things Crystal might want to start listing as her interests: Changing bed pans, shopping for Fixodent, and dying a little bit more on the inside each day.

CREEPY FACT: If you combine their ages, Hef's three girlfriends still aren't as old as him (82 vs. 60)