Crystal Harris


Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner at the 2013 Playboy Playmate of the Year announcement at The Playboy Mansion in Beverly Hills (5/9)

Crystal Harris says she doesn't even notice the 60-year age difference between her and "husband" Hugh Hefner. Oh yes, of course. I'm sure it's just like a normal marriage, minus the whole making sure his oxygen tank is hooked up when she blows him. She told Access Hollywood Live:
"We're happier than ever, things are better now than they were then. Hef loved me more than I've ever felt in my life ... Hef's very romantic, very cosy. We really care about each other and get along great. I don't notice the age difference. Hef's a lot of fun."
Oh yeah, Crystal doesn't notice the age difference at all, especially when Hugh's day nurse is picking gold-digger pubes out of the old man's dentures. Should we pretend that Crystal isn't completely disgusted by Hugh and his wrinkled balls? I guess her gag reflex is nullified by Hef's multimillion dollar fortune -- it's just a matter of getting the old coot to keel over while he's inside of her. With any luck, Hef's middle-aged kids will soon have him declared mentally incompetent so they can access his checking account, so all of Crystal's hard work (e.g. being a portable toilet for a man with no bowel control) will be for naught. Only time will tell, but rest assured that the clock is ticking . . . tick . . . tock . . .

*15 Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Harris Age Difference 1
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Crystal Hefner at Sapphire Pool & Day Club in Las Vegas (5/25)

It's only been five months since a then 26-year-old Crystal Harris married Hugh Hefner, yet there she is at Sapphire Pool over the weekend in Vegas looking 47. Ew, she probably smells old, too, like mothballs and Ovaltine. And she got all mad at the staff because there were no ducks in the pool "because I like to sit and stare at them." Yeah, bitch, maybe not the best idea to marry an 87-year-old man. It's aging you a little.

*30 Crystal Hefner bikini pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Hefner Bikini Pics 1
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Crystal Harris at the grand opening of Sapphire Pool & Day Club in Las Vegas (5/4)

Crystal Harris managed to convince her husband Hugh Hefner to buy her a $5 million house in the Hollywood Hills. Wait, doesn't that count as elder abuse? From TMZ:
Hugh Hefner really loves his 27-year-old Playmate wife Crystal Harris. We're told he's created an intricate plan to set her up in a multi-million dollar estate, where no one in his world can displace her once he dies, but there is one hitch. Hef plunked down $5 million last month for a 5,900-square-foot Hollywood Hills mansion, which is held in trust for the 2 of them.  Short story -- Crystal owns the house with him.

Playboy sources tell us the couple is happily living at the Playboy Mansion, and they have no plans to move.  So why, you ask, did they buy the Hollywood Hills home?  Fact is Hef is a renter!  He doesn't own the Playboy Mansion -- it's owned by Playboy Enterprises. We're told the 87-year-old perennial player wants to make sure Crystal has a roof over her head when he's gone, and the Hollywood Hills estate fits the bill.
Maybe it's time for the handlers to go ahead and put Hugh in a retirement home, because he's clearly lost his mind. I know some of you are poor and can't afford SiriusXM, so allow me to remind you what a-then-single Crystal Harris told Howard Stern about the man she is now madly in love with:
Harris made faces of disgust as she divulged details of her intimate life with the original Playboy, admitting that the pair only engaged in intercourse once and when they did, it was only for "two seconds."  "I'm not turned on by Hef, sorry," she said, laughing. (HuffPo)
Instead of a house, Hugh might want to invest in some guy friends that can steer him clear of the gold diggers at the end of his sad life. Perhaps a wingman for hire. Of course, I'm your huckleberry assuming the price is right, Hugh. For a measly six figures, I'll keep those skanks away and make sure you end up with a girl more suited for your needs: a wet nurse who's willing to change colostomy bags.

*10 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Harris New House 1
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The least sluttiest picture I could find of Crystal Harris

Crystal Harris and her new husband Hugh Hefner actually want kids. Yes, that Hugh Hefner. The one who was born two years before bubble gum was invented in 1928. In unrelated news, Viagra stock just shot up 800%. From UK tabloid The Daily Star:
At the grand old age of 86 Hugh Hefner still wants to impregnate woman. Well, one woman to be precise - his 26-year-old new bride Crystal Harris. Despite their 60-year age gap, Hugh married British model Crystal in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion in Hollywood on New Year's Eve. And now the Playboy mogul, estimated to be worth $80 million, told friends he wants to become a father one last time.

Our LA insider revealed: "Crystal's desperate to have Hugh's baby. She thinks it would be the most beautiful way imaginable to show him how much she really loves him. Hef is insisting he's still man enough for the job, telling family and friends at the wedding he's still up for it. He wants to show the world that age shouldn't stop you doing anything."
Hey guys, do you feel that? Those aren't ants tickling your neck and back -- what you're feeling is your skin crawling from the image of old man Hef whipping out his wrinkly beef jerky stick much to the horror of his gold-digging baby momma in training. There's not enough Viagra and tranny porn in the world that'll get Hef's waterlogged linguini dick hard enough to mush into the loosest of skanky Playboy pussy, let alone deliver a viable load into it. Maybe Crystal should swab a load off the floor during the next Mansion orgy and fill a turkey baster with it -- it's not as if Hugh will even be around to raise the lil' money shot. Enjoy your lunch, friends.

*10 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Harris Hugh Hefner Kids 1
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Hugh Hefner's ex Crystal Harris is a total bitch

You don't kick a man's oxygen tank when he's down. I'm sorry but you just don't. The nerve of this Crystal Harris bitch. From the New York Post:
Crystal Harris, 25, told radio shock jock Howard Stern on Tuesday that she had never seen the 85 year-old magazine mogul naked, and that their sex life left a lot to be desired.

"Hef doesn't really take off his clothes. I have never seen him naked," she giggled in an appearance on Stern's SiriusXM radio show . . . "I was over it. I just like, walked away. I am not turned on by Hef. Sorry."

Harris, who left Hefner and his Playboy Mansion five days before their planned June 18 wedding, claimed the pair only had sex once during their two-year relationship, and that it lasted "like about two seconds."
I don't know who comes across worse in this story -- the 85-year-old grandfather that lasts only 2 seconds in the sack or the gold-digging prostitute who actually had sex with the 85-year-old grandfather that lasts only 2 seconds in the sack. In Hugh's defense, I probably wouldn't have lasted much longer if I nailed someone that had tits like Crystal. And in Crystal's defense, the smell of hundred dollar bills can cover the stench of Ben Gay and Musilex.

*37 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Harris Total Bitch 1
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Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris

When you have articles of clothing older than your fiancée, that's a pretty big clue that you need a prenup. Nevertheless, TMZ says:
He's 84 and worth $43 million ... she's 24 and knows he's worth $43 million -- yet sources close to Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris tell TMZ neither has uttered those dreaded words ... "prenuptial agreement."

Hef's third wedding is just 10 weeks away, but we're told he hasn't raised a prenup convo because he "actually cares" about Crystal and doesn't want to ask her to sign one. We're told Crystal doesn't think Hef will bring it up before they tie the knot.
Of course Hef doesn't need a prenup. Dude is 84. Even if Crystal divorces him in a year and takes half his fortune, he won't remember it. The only thing 84-year-old men care about is applesauce, not if they'll have enough money to live on in ten years.

*5 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Hugh Hefner No Prenup 1
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Crystal Harris cheating on Hugh Hefner

Wow, this story just totally changes my opinion about Crystal Harris. I really thought she was in this marriage for the love. From Life & Style:
Hugh Hefner’s fiancée, Crystal Harris, is doing more than just making music with her former record producer, Jordan McGraw. The Life & Style Scene Queens can exclusively reveal that Crystal — who got engaged to Hef in December — has been caught with another man…and it’s Dr. Phil’s son, Jordan!

We watched the 24-year-old lovebirds cozy up at the Chateau Marmont in LA on March 14. While Crystal was hoping to keep their romance low-key, Jordan didn’t care to hide his affections, kissing her shoulder and trying to hold her hand — still adorned with her 6-carat engagement ring. Despite Crystal’s impending June 18 wedding date to the Playboy founder, sources tell us that she and Jordan are very happy together.

“They’ve been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal’s relationship image,” a source tells the Scene Queens.
If you're going to cheat on an old guy with a younger man, make sure it isn't with Dr. Phil's son. Considering who his father is, the guy's probably got more daddy issues than a pregnant teenage stripper. Nevertheless, I'm not sure I believe Crystal would do this to Hef. After all, if you can't trust a woman that takes off her clothes for money and sells her soul for fame, who can you trust?

*6 Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Harris Cheating 1
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Hugh Hefner and his fiance Crystal Harris celebrating New Years

I don't understand why everyone's making such a big deal about the age difference between Hugh Hefner and his new fiancée Crystal Harris. He was only 61 when she said her first words "sugar dadda." From Entertainment Tonight:
Hugh Hefner and his fiancée Crystal Harris welcome ET's Kevin Frazier into the Playboy Mansion for the dish on their wedding, their 60-year-age gap, and whether or not they plan on having kids!

But what about that big age gap between 84-year-old Hef and 24-year-old Crystal? Is it problematic? "I don't notice the age difference with Hef at all," Crystal says. "If anything I have to keep up with him."
Sorry honey, there isn't enough money, liquor, or light switches in the world to make me believe that you don't notice the age difference. This Crystal chick needs to stop spouting the company line and admit that hooking up with a guy as old as Hef is like making out with a scrotum: they're both wrinkly, droopy, and look like they haven't seen sunlight since the 70s.

*5 Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

  • Crystal Harris Crazy 1
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Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris in Las Vegas in 2009. Awk. Ward.

And now, a completely normal story about a man getting engaged to his girlfriend over the holidays. From E!:
It certainly was a very merry Christmas at the Playboy Mansion. Hugh Hefner, 84, and his 24-year-old girlfriend Crystal Harris are engaged. The two began dating almost two years ago.

Hef tweeted, "When I gave Crystal the ring, she burst into tears. This is the happiest Christmas weekend in memory."
Of course she burst into tears. You'd cry, too, if you were a 24-year-old engaged to an 84-year-old. Hell, I'm surprised she hasn't jumped off a bridge yet.

*5 Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris pictures total in the gallery:

  • Hugh Hefner Engaged Again 1
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Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris leaving Katsuya (12/15)

Hugh Hefner and his soulless girlfriend Crystal Harris went out for sushi at Katsuya last week in Hollywood, and Hugh brought his own damn food to the restaurant (pork chops and a baked potato according to PCN). I know what you're thinking: Hef's finally lost it. Maybe, but he gets a pass on this one. He hates sushi. It reminds him too much of his childhood. That's all his mom used to feed the family after his father left to go fight the North at Gettysburg. Those damn Yankee bastards!

*10 Hugh Hefner pictures total in the gallery:

  • Hugh Hefner Katsuya Meal 1
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