Recently in Chuck Norris Category

Chuck Norris wants to be President

Chuck Norris is ready . . . ready for the revolution man. In fact, Chuck would like to be President of Texas after it secedes from the union. Wait, what? From CNN:

“I may run for president of Texas,” Norris wrote Monday in a column posted at WorldNetDaily. “That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.”

The actor claimed “thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation” and said that if states decide to secede from the union, that Texas would lead the way. Anyone who has been around Texas for any length of time knows exactly what we'd do if the going got rough in America. Let there be no doubt about that.” (Source)

Obviously Chuck's taken one too many roundhouse kicks to the head. Either that or the Total Gym has turned him into a Total Moron. The idea that there are "thousands of cell groups" around the country just waiting to facilitate America's collapse is completely absurd . . . unless you count salespeople from AMWAY. Frankly, there's only one person I can think of that's capable of creating a mass uprising in this country: Alessandra Ambrosio.

Chuck Norris sues publisher

Remember when I brought you news last month that a book was being published full of "Chuck Norrisisms." We had a gay old time as we sat 'round the campfire recounting our favorite Chuck Norris facts and tales. Turns out Chuck wasn't amused. He's suing the publisher of the book. AP says:

On Friday, Norris sued Penguin Group Inc. and the book's creator, Ian Spector, saying his good image is being spoiled by a book that depicts him as callous and unlawful and which he says includes false "facts" that are sometimes racist and lewd. (Source)

Thank you Chuck Norris for clarifying that your tears do not in fact cure cancer and that you're actually not the second leading cause of death in America behind heart disease. Oh and that picture of Chuck holding the entire world while stepping on a dinosaur's head. That's actually a drawing, not a real photo. Unfortunately I have some bad news for those of you thinking you're gonna pull a fast one over on Chuck. That roundhouse kick of his is 100% real and 99% deadly.*

*there was a guy Chuck kicked at a karate tournament back in '89 who survived. He currently eats through a tube.

Chuck Norris facts

Chuck Norris

You know 'em, you love 'em, and now you can buy a book full of 'em. A book full of "Chuck Norris facts" officially goes on sale next Thursday. And since nothing is happening today, this counts as news. A selection of facts:

• A cobra once bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.
• Chuck Norris only allows Jackie Chan to live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.
• When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.
• Mr. T. once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of tic-tac-toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
• When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real live bunnies.
• When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. Afterward, they were renamed The Islands.
• Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’s house is a Total Gym.

Lemme hear your best facts in the comments