Chris Martin


Rita Ora out and about in New York (8/3)

Is Gwyneth Paltrow's ex-husband Chris Martin banging Rita Ora? Sure, why not. She was seen sneaking out of his hotel after Coldplay's recent concert in New York. Probably just stealing a bunch of those mini shampoos. A spy told The National Enquirer:
"The two had an intimate chat at Coldplay's part after their concert! Then everyone saw her leaving his hotel in the same clothes the next day! ... Ever since he broke up with Gwyneth Paltrow and then Jennifer Lawrence ... he's become an all-star playa." (Print Edition)
Chris: "Before you come up to my hotel room, I need to ask you one thing . . . is that shirt you're wearing vegan cotton?"
Rita: "What the fuck is vegan cotton?"
Chris: "Omigod I think I love you."

Rita Ora > Gwyneth Paltrow

*25 Rita Ora pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rita Ora Chris Martin 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow is officially single

FYI: Gwyneth Paltrow is officially single. The actress and her estranged husband Chris Martin reached a divorce settlement today that's about a billion times less messy than the shit going down with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Via People:
According to a court document filed by Paltrow, the couple have entered into a written agreement regarding their property and child support, and agreed that neither will ever ask for spousal support. The last step in the dissolution of their 10-year marriage will be a final judgement from the court.
Since it's finally official, Gwyneth posted a picture on Instagram earlier today of a celebratory chocolate "divorce cake" she baked with cacao beans harvested from the nest of the rare plate-billed mountain toucan in Ecuador -- a steal at $10,000/ounce. "Omigosh, everybody should try this!" Right? She did that, right? I want to believe.


Heather Graham filming Angie Tribeca in Studio City (2/3)

FYI: Gwyneth Paltrow's ex Chris Martin is probably banging Heather Graham. Nice ass if you can get it. From Entertainment Tonight:
Chris Martin and Heather Graham enjoyed a fun, barefoot stroll along the beach in Malibu, California on Sunday, and the pair couldn't have looked happier.

The Coldplay frontman and the actress were all smiles as they chatted while walking up and down the sandy shore of Paradise Cove -- with Martin rocking a bright blue sweatshirt and black sweatpants and Graham donning a flowy, low-cut sundress and wide-brimmed hat.

It's unclear how the two know each other, but they sure seemed to be enjoying each other's company. According to an eyewitness, the pair left a residence near the beach and walked together for nearly a mile and half before returning to the house.
Having been married to Gwyneth Paltrow, this must be a very confusing time for Chris. Especially if he takes a stroll through a park with Heather and she stops for some water at a drinking fountain. "What in the devil is this drinking fountain contraption? I thought drinking water only came in bottles sourced from virginal streams flowing out of the Himalayas?!? Was I living a lie my entire marriage?!?

*20 Heather Graham pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Martin Heather Graham 1
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Jennifer Lawrence leaving a friend's house in Malibu (6/21)

Chris Martin blew it. He could be banging the bejeesus out of Jennifer Lawrence, but he's not and now she's over him. Oh, maybe he's holding out hope of getting back together with Gwyneth Paltrow. Or, you know, he could stab himself in the eye with a fork. A source told the National Enquirer:
"Jennifer still has strong feelings for Chris, but she wishes he'd pursue her more," a friend said. JLaw, 24, was "hurt" that the Coldplay rocker, 38, visited her just once while she filmed "Joy," said the source. Then Chris skipped a trip to Montreal where she's starring in the next "X-Men" flick, saying he had to wrap an album. "Jen hoped that because she was working with ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hoult on 'X-Men, 'Chris might get jealous," added the pal. But that hasn't been the case. "They see each other twice a month at best," said the source. "She's over it."
What an idiot. If she gave me the chance, I would bang Jennifer Lawrence so damn hard, I'd strike oil. C'mon Jennifer, think of it as an investment opportunity. You'd be a fool not to.

*10 Jennifer Lawrence pictures total in the gallery:

  • JLaw Lonely 1
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Alexa Chung at the MET Costume Institute Gala in New York (5/6) 

Even though his rep is denying it, Chris Martin is definitely banging Alexa Chung. It was rumored the two were hooking up while Chris was still [openly] married to Gwyneth Paltrow, and now they were spotted having drinks together in New York last week. And we all know what drinking leads to. SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! From Heat:

"When I arrived at about 9.15pm, they were tucked away in in dark corner of the back room of the bar," says heat's snoop. "Chris and Alexa seemed to know each other really well. They were both in a great mood, and even asked us to watch their bags when they went out for a cigarette."

Good for Chris. 11 years of pain with Gwyneth Paltrow (the first year was fun), and now he has his life back. He's like one of those prisoners who spent half their life on death row until being proven innocent and released. Go ahead, Chris, have that cheeseburger you've been dreaming about for a decade. There's no bitch anymore giving you nasty looks because the bun isn't organic.

*15 Alexa Chung pictures total in the gallery:

  • Alexa Chung Chris Martin 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (4/9)

Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung were both spotted at the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood on Wednesday night. So? What's the big deal? The big deal is that Alexa is one of the chicks that Chris Martin is rumored to be having an affair with. Awk. Ward. From Star (via Cele|bitchy):
Alexa has been spending more time in L.A. since Goop and Chris moved there last year. Chris "reportedly has been sneaking out nights to see her and confide in her." They've been spending a lot of time at Alexa's Hollywood Hills home and "Chris loves having Alexa close by." And "they have lots of friends in common and just clicked."
Gwyneth Paltrow can come up with all the fancy euphemisms she wants, but when it comes down to it, she's just an ordinary wife whose husband is cheating on her. She's no different than one of those crazy bitches you see on Cheaters, except the punches she throws at Chris were taught to her by a venerable Tibetan warrior during a retreat she went on last year to the mountainous village of Chagyoi. "Oh my gosh, it was so amazing! Why haven't you gone yet???"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Alexa Chung 1
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Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow in Paris last April

It's been strongly-suggested for years that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had an open marriage, and the two have had their share of rumored affairs -- Gwyneth with Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer, entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn, and [INSERT NAME HERE]; and Chris with Alexa Chung, Kate Bosworth, and now according to the New York Post, an assistant for Saturday Night Live:
NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on "Saturday Night Live" in 2011 with Coldplay. One source tells us the girl in question was an assistant on the show, while another NBC source explained, "He had an affair with a woman who was backstage and was part of an entourage. Everyone was talking about it because he was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties."
You can't blame a guy married to Gwyneth Paltrow for having an affair with a lowly assistant. Maybe he just wanted to go out to dinner with somebody who wouldn't spend 40 minutes annoying the waiter with questions about the water. "Is this from an aquifer or a spring? Is this sustainable? Is the pH over 7? Because I refuse to drink anything less. What month was this harvested? Is that pitcher BPA free? Can you send over the water sommelier please?"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Martin Affair 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled

Well this has been a long time coming. Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are divorcing -- though they refer to it as a "conscious" uncoupling" in the announcement. Gee, I'll give you one guess who came up with that condescending euphemism. Hint: it was Gwyneth, that fucking asshole. She posted to her newsletter Goop:
I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE
Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris
Gwyneth added: "It is a sad day, but lessening the air of melancholy is this 100% cotton t-shirt I'm lounging around in. Woven by mute amputee monks in the hills of Tibet. Just $795. I can't believe you don't own one."

*35 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Divorce Announcement 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow new home in Malibu

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin just dropped $14 million on a clifftop home in Malibu. Yeah, but does it have a pool? Oh, right, I guess it does have a pretty nice pool. From Curbed:
Architect John Lautner designed some heartachingly beautiful houses all over Southern California, but the Garwood Residence in Point Dume is not one of them; still, it's apparently met the exacting standards of Gwyneth Paltrow, who has just picked it up for $14 million. Developer Donald Sher, who bought the house in 1996 for something like $1.4 million, has had the Garwood up for sale since July 2012, first asking $15.9 million, and more recently $14.995 million.

Word is that Gwynnie will bring in Windsor Smith--who decorated the Mandeville Canyon house she bought in 2012--to overhaul Sher's "meh" interiors in the four-bedroom, three-bathroom house. The property also comes with an acre of land, a pool, a tennis court, a gym and yoga studio, an outdoor kitchen/dining area, and private access to Little Dume Beach, plus "protected backyard anchorage for your yacht."
Holy shit on a stick, how is this possible? I looked at Gwyneth's resume, and I have to say that it's pretty weak. Her movies are mostly artsy-fartsy bullshit when she's the lead, so where did Gwyneth get the money to do this? I'm starting to understand why actors sell their souls to Xenu to stay in the Hollywood loop -- when you can drop $14m for yet another mansion when your biggest non-comic book movie is Shallow Hal, there's more at play than talent or picking good rolls. There's either a Ponzi scheme at work or Gwyneth gives great handjobs. Yeah, let's go with the latter on this one.

*20 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Point Dume 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow cut off a school bus

While picking her kids up from school in L.A. last week with husband Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow darted out in front of a school bus on her Vespa, causing it to slam its brakes on and probably giving its driver a near heart attack. In other words, she put her child's life at risk so she wouldn't have to wait an extra two seconds until the bus passed. Hmmm, and she wonders why no one likes her?

BTW, in case you missed that little detail in the first sentence/video, GWYNETH PALTROW AND HER HUSBAND PICK THEIR KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL ON FUCKING VESPAS. Seriously, fuck these hipsters. She was probably in a rush to get home to make her own butter.