Chris Martin


Alexa Chung at the MET Costume Institute Gala in New York (5/6) 

Even though his rep is denying it, Chris Martin is definitely banging Alexa Chung. It was rumored the two were hooking up while Chris was still [openly] married to Gwyneth Paltrow, and now they were spotted having drinks together in New York last week. And we all know what drinking leads to. SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! From Heat:

"When I arrived at about 9.15pm, they were tucked away in in dark corner of the back room of the bar," says heat's snoop. "Chris and Alexa seemed to know each other really well. They were both in a great mood, and even asked us to watch their bags when they went out for a cigarette."

Good for Chris. 11 years of pain with Gwyneth Paltrow (the first year was fun), and now he has his life back. He's like one of those prisoners who spent half their life on death row until being proven innocent and released. Go ahead, Chris, have that cheeseburger you've been dreaming about for a decade. There's no bitch anymore giving you nasty looks because the bun isn't organic.

*15 Alexa Chung pictures total in the gallery:

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Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood (4/9)

Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung were both spotted at the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood on Wednesday night. So? What's the big deal? The big deal is that Alexa is one of the chicks that Chris Martin is rumored to be having an affair with. Awk. Ward. From Star (via Cele|bitchy):
Alexa has been spending more time in L.A. since Goop and Chris moved there last year. Chris "reportedly has been sneaking out nights to see her and confide in her." They've been spending a lot of time at Alexa's Hollywood Hills home and "Chris loves having Alexa close by." And "they have lots of friends in common and just clicked."
Gwyneth Paltrow can come up with all the fancy euphemisms she wants, but when it comes down to it, she's just an ordinary wife whose husband is cheating on her. She's no different than one of those crazy bitches you see on Cheaters, except the punches she throws at Chris were taught to her by a venerable Tibetan warrior during a retreat she went on last year to the mountainous village of Chagyoi. "Oh my gosh, it was so amazing! Why haven't you gone yet???"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow and Alexa Chung pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Alexa Chung 1
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Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow in Paris last April

It's been strongly-suggested for years that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin had an open marriage, and the two have had their share of rumored affairs -- Gwyneth with Fontainebleau hotel owner Jeff Soffer, entertainment lawyer Kevin Yorn, and [INSERT NAME HERE]; and Chris with Alexa Chung, Kate Bosworth, and now according to the New York Post, an assistant for Saturday Night Live:
NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on "Saturday Night Live" in 2011 with Coldplay. One source tells us the girl in question was an assistant on the show, while another NBC source explained, "He had an affair with a woman who was backstage and was part of an entourage. Everyone was talking about it because he was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties."
You can't blame a guy married to Gwyneth Paltrow for having an affair with a lowly assistant. Maybe he just wanted to go out to dinner with somebody who wouldn't spend 40 minutes annoying the waiter with questions about the water. "Is this from an aquifer or a spring? Is this sustainable? Is the pH over 7? Because I refuse to drink anything less. What month was this harvested? Is that pitcher BPA free? Can you send over the water sommelier please?"

*10 Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Martin Affair 1
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Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have consciously uncoupled

Well this has been a long time coming. Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, are divorcing -- though they refer to it as a "conscious" uncoupling" in the announcement. Gee, I'll give you one guess who came up with that condescending euphemism. Hint: it was Gwyneth, that fucking asshole. She posted to her newsletter Goop:
I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE
Conscious Uncoupling

It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,
Gwyneth & Chris
Gwyneth added: "It is a sad day, but lessening the air of melancholy is this 100% cotton t-shirt I'm lounging around in. Woven by mute amputee monks in the hills of Tibet. Just $795. I can't believe you don't own one."

*35 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

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Gwyneth Paltrow new home in Malibu

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin just dropped $14 million on a clifftop home in Malibu. Yeah, but does it have a pool? Oh, right, I guess it does have a pretty nice pool. From Curbed:
Architect John Lautner designed some heartachingly beautiful houses all over Southern California, but the Garwood Residence in Point Dume is not one of them; still, it's apparently met the exacting standards of Gwyneth Paltrow, who has just picked it up for $14 million. Developer Donald Sher, who bought the house in 1996 for something like $1.4 million, has had the Garwood up for sale since July 2012, first asking $15.9 million, and more recently $14.995 million.

Word is that Gwynnie will bring in Windsor Smith--who decorated the Mandeville Canyon house she bought in 2012--to overhaul Sher's "meh" interiors in the four-bedroom, three-bathroom house. The property also comes with an acre of land, a pool, a tennis court, a gym and yoga studio, an outdoor kitchen/dining area, and private access to Little Dume Beach, plus "protected backyard anchorage for your yacht."
Holy shit on a stick, how is this possible? I looked at Gwyneth's resume, and I have to say that it's pretty weak. Her movies are mostly artsy-fartsy bullshit when she's the lead, so where did Gwyneth get the money to do this? I'm starting to understand why actors sell their souls to Xenu to stay in the Hollywood loop -- when you can drop $14m for yet another mansion when your biggest non-comic book movie is Shallow Hal, there's more at play than talent or picking good rolls. There's either a Ponzi scheme at work or Gwyneth gives great handjobs. Yeah, let's go with the latter on this one.

*20 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Gwyneth Paltrow Point Dume 1
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gwyneth-paltrow-school-bust.jpg
Gwyneth Paltrow cut off a school bus

While picking her kids up from school in L.A. last week with husband Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow darted out in front of a school bus on her Vespa, causing it to slam its brakes on and probably giving its driver a near heart attack. In other words, she put her child's life at risk so she wouldn't have to wait an extra two seconds until the bus passed. Hmmm, and she wonders why no one likes her?

BTW, in case you missed that little detail in the first sentence/video, GWYNETH PALTROW AND HER HUSBAND PICK THEIR KIDS UP FROM SCHOOL ON FUCKING VESPAS. Seriously, fuck these hipsters. She was probably in a rush to get home to make her own butter.




Gwyneth Paltrow at Fashion's Night Out in London (9/8)

Sounds like those rumors about Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, being on the rocks are false -- their marriage is doing fine (even though he probably nailed Kate Bosworth a few years ago). Ouch, sucks for Chris Martin. Dude, you want to get a beer or something? If you need a shoulder to cry on, just let me know. From Mike Walker at the National Enquirer:
Despite rampant rumors that gorgeous Gwyneth Paltrow and rocker/hubby Chris Martin are hopping a fast train to splitsvillle, the star duo quietly invited immediate family only to attend a super-secret event this holiday season -- an eight anniversary renewal of their wedding vows!

"Actually, they'd always planned to renew their vows at the 10-year mark," said a source, "but decided to scotch recent rumors that they're on the rocks by doing it this year."

Gwyneth told a pal: "I don't care what people say about Chris and me, but to say we're splitting up affects our family." Admitting all relationships have rough edges, she insisted: "We couldn't be more committed to each other!" (Print Edition - 10/17)
Gwyneth thought that having a "super secret" renewal of vows would quell the rumors that her marriage was on the rocks? How is that supposed to work? If it's secret, no one else knows about it and therefore it won't put an end to the rumors. You see, this is why I hate Gwyneth so much. She didn't do this for any other reason than to throw herself a party where she was once again the center of attention. Let's just hope she has another gathering like that soon . . . at the hospital . . . as doctors try to figure out why the mysterious bacteria is destroying her vocal cords.

*30 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Paltrow Zombie Face 1
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Kate Bosworth in Beverly Hills (10/19)

Coldplay's Chris Martin may be cheating on his wife with Kate Bosworth, which isn't really that surprising since his wife is a succubus. From Star:
The Internet is already abuzz with Star's exclusive story about Coldplay frontman Chris Martin's hot make-out session with a beautiful blonde who wasn't Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, the Brit singer was locking lips with his better half's good friend, Kate Bosworth!

"I couldn't believe my eyes," an eyewitness tells Star in our Nov. 16 issue. "There was Chris totally making out with Kate in front of other people. At first I thought it might be Gwyneth, but when she came up for air, it was clear the woman was Kate!"
This isn't fair. Kate is 26, gorgeous, and seems like a really cool chick to sit down at the local pub and have a pint of Guinness with. Gwyneth is 37, whiny, and doesn't drink beer unless it's from her favorite brewery in the charming little city of Kuala Terengganu, Malaysia, that she spent a few nights in during the summer of 2008 and oh my gosh you simply must visit especially during the amazing Thaipusam Festival that takes place at the end of January seriously why haven't you gone yet. I imagine making out with Gwyneth would be a lot like making out with fire.

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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: