Chris Brown at the 1st Annual Skate Jam Party in L.A.
Chris Brown may be getting a reality show. A camera on Chris 24/7? Isn't that already part of his parole? From TMZ
Multiple sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ, BET has made it clear to several production companies, the network would absolutely air a Chris Brown reality series, chronicling his life after jail. We're told several production companies are angling to sign Chris, but so far that hasn't happened. If it does, we're told the show will get on the air.
A focus group was held Tuesday in the San Fernando Valley ... asking participants if they'd watch a reality show in which Chris tries to stay on the straight and narrow -- free from violence and drugs. We're told the group -- comprised entirely of African American females -- was split, but the majority said they'd watch to see if Chris would screw up.
Honestly, I'm all for this. A Chris Brown reality show would be entertaining as hell. It'd be like a better version of Wipeout
on ABC. "This Thursday, don't miss an all new Chris Brown Show
. Two dumb sluts enter Chris' apartment after a night of clubbing, but only one will make it out without a broken sternum! Don't miss it!"*5 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown leaving The SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills
Now we know what Chris Brown was doing in jail the past few months: eating. That's Chris and his growing double chin leaving the SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills over the weekend, no doubt after partaking in the breakfast buffet. Chris was just a scrawny kid when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. Now it actually looks like his punches will have some heft behind them. It's absolutely terrifying to consider if you have a uterus and your hobby is disrespectin'.
*30 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown is gonna have an awesome summer in jail
Chris Brown was sentenced to 131 extra days in jail on Friday after he admitted to violating his probation by punching a dude in Washington, D.C. last year . . . *c'mon prison riot* . . . *c'mon prison riot* . . . *c'mon prison riot* . . . From Reuters
Brown must also undergo therapy and random drug testing as part of his sentence from Los Angeles Superior Court Judge James Brandlin, who said he took into account an undiagnosed mental illness and the singer's young age when he assaulted Rihanna on the eve of the 2009 Grammy Awards.
Being an asshole counts as a mental illness nowadays?
Brown's probation was reinstated Friday and is expected to end in January 2015. He must also complete the 1,000 hours of community service he was sentenced in August last year after prosecutors accused him of cutting corners on the work.
So Chris has to stay out of trouble until January, 2015? There's no fucking way. That's over six months. Asking Chris Brown to not assault someone for six months is like asking Alec Baldwin
to give up chocolate covered meat for six months. And as you know, you do not get in between Alec Baldwin and chocolate covered meat. Many have tried . . . MANY HAVE DIED!*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown's signature "crotch grab/retard face" dance move
Chris Brown's assault trial in Washington, D.C. has been delayed until late June, which means the singer may have to stay in jail until then. He's already been in jail since March 14, and an L.A. judge denied his lawyers request to set bail earlier this week. His next probation hearing is May 1, so he'll definitely be in jail for at least until then. In summary, fuck Chris Brown. Oh, did you think this story was leading to a different conclusion?*5 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown spent the weekend in jail
Gotta hand it to the LAPD for their timing. A judge revoked Chris Brown's probation on Friday, and he was arrested the same day, which means he had to spend the weekend in jail because judges only work Monday - Friday. A win for everyone involved, except Chris Brown's asshole. From the Los Angeles Times
The violation, according to the Associated Press, reportedly came after Brown's discharge from a rehabilitation facility. The warrant for Brown's arrest said the judge overseeing his probation learned he had been discharged "for failure to comply with rules and regulations of the program."
Several sources told the Los Angeles Times that they did not know how Brown allegedly violated the terms of his probation.
Does anyone else feel that, while he made a horrible mistake in the past, Chris Brown really has tried to make amends, but is now being railroaded by a racist criminal justice system out for blood. No? Good, me neither. Fuck this punk.
*6 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Rihanna outside the Miu Miu show during Paris Fashion Week
Rihanna getting back together with Chris Brown? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? . . . Oh, that's right: a collapsed lung, concussion, broken forearm, torn meniscus, snapped elbow, broken fibula, torn MCL, torn ACL, broken jaw, bruised sternum, and maybe a black eye. A source told the New York Post
"Chris started texting Rihanna on her birthday [Feb. 20], and the two have been sending each other a flurry of texts ever since. Rihanna didn't write back right away . . . but later that night she started getting sentimental and texted back, 'thank you,' and asked how he was," our source added. "Since then, the two haven't stopped texting each other and friends are freaked out that she's going to start dating him again."
Another source familiar with situation said it was Rihanna who initially reached out to Brown, to tell him she "missed him," before she flew off to Paris to meet Drake on tour.
This doesn't surprise me at all, and if you've been reading Celebslam for the last few years, it shouldn't surprise you amateurs, either. Is there any doubt at all that Rihanna is totally addicted to marginally-talented shit-dicks? What surprises me to this day is the sexual tension between Drake and Chris that no one addresses. It's the lavender gorilla in the room. I guarantee that once the two asswipes merge semen inside of Rihanna at the same time, all of the tension will magically dissipate. It's what BET looks for in soap operas.
*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:
He must see a woman
Chris Brown may have been sentenced to 90 days
in rehab, but that's not gonna stop him from eating some turkey and mashed potatoes. I'LL FUCKING PUNCH YOU MASHED POTATOES! A source told Hollywood Life
"[Chris] doesn't have to go right away to rehab but he'll have to commit real soon," a source close to the "Fine China" singer told HollywoodLife.com exclusively. "I know he wants to be home and spend thanksgiving with [his on-again/off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran] and his family so we shall see."
Chris got lucky at court that he just was sent to rehab and not to jail -- but he doesn't look at it that way.
"He's not relieved because he knows the situation isn't over. He still has to go back to court. He knows he's got a long way to go and this is just the first step," a source told us. "He's lost all of his belief in the system and even though he gets to go home, he knows they're still after him."
Is "spending Thanksgiving with his family" a clever euphemism for "I'm gonna beat the holy fuck out of any jizz receptacle that dare look me in the eyes"? Because if it isn't, then it should be. This weird rage that Chris carries around for women and twinks isn't even about his repressed homosexuality anymore -- it just might be that Chris Brown is an asshole and a bit of a coward (I know, alert the media). Damn it all, with Jay-Z selling out black people to Barneys and Kanye pussy-whipped by both Kim and Kris, there aren't any BET performers left with enough clout to put the boots to Chris without looking like a homophobe.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown smashed his mom's window
So remember when Chris Brown went to rehab
last month to work on his anger issues? Didn't work. At all. He was kicked out of the facility after he smashed his mom's car window with a rock during a family session. Oh, wonderful. Hey, maybe we can keep booking this lunatic on The Today Show
so he really learns his lesson? Even though it's not gonna work, the judge in his probation case has ordered Chris to re-enroll in another facility for 90 days. From CNN
When he checked out on November 10 his representative said he would continue in the program as an outpatient. However, the probation report given to the judge Wednesday disputed that, saying he was kicked out of the program. It quoted a center official saying he was ordered out for "breaking programs rules by acting violently."
The violence involved Brown "throwing a rock through his mother's car window" after a family session at the center in which she said she wanted him to stay in the treatment.
"Mr. Brown preceded to walk outside and pick up a rock and threw it through his mother's car window and it shattered," according to letter from the rehab center included in the probation report.
What kind of rehab facility for violent people has rocks just laying around? Are there swords in the lobby as well?
Brown will leave the new rehab center three days a week to work eight-hour shifts of community labor so that he can complete the 1,000 hours of work still remaining in his punishment for the attack on Rihanna. The report estimated he will have to work on community labor three days of every week until next August to meet his deadline.
Hopefully Chris' eight-hour shifts of community labor don't involve clearing rocks from the side of the freeway. Because didn't you hear? Chris Brown throws rocks now. Rocks. That's scary. I would fucking destroy all 147 pounds of Chris in a fight, but rocks hurt.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown enters rehab
After being arrested
yet again over the weekend for pursuing his true passion (assaulting things), Chris Brown has checked himself into rehab. His rep issued a statement today full of win -- and by "win" I mean "complete bullshit":
"Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point."
How does rehab work for violent lunatics? Do you attend Impulse Control 101 class with all the heroin junkies, or do they just give you a stress ball and have you go sit by the bird feeder to reflect? Whatever, this is nothing but PR-spin bullshit. Chris has attended so many anger management classes in his life that he should have his PhD by now. Hey, you know what works better than rehab for violent lunatics like Chris? Drone strikes.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown performing at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia
Chris Brown spent the weekend in a Washington, D.C. jail after being arrested Sunday morning for felony assault. Chris Brown, you say? Are you sure? Seems like he'd be too busy volunteering down at the soup kitchen to get mixed up in all this assault business. From CNN
The police incident report obtained by CNN identified the alleged victim as Isaac Adams Parker, 20, of Beltsville, Maryland. Parker did not immediately respond to a CNN call for comment.
Parker told police that he tried to jump into a photo that Brown was posing for with a female fan on the sidewalk when the singer said, "I'm not down with that gay shit" and "I feel like boxing," the police report said. Parker said that Brown then punched him in the face with his closed fist, the report said.
This "incident" is especially problematic for Chris since he's still on probation for beating Rihanna half to death in 2009. On the bright side, he's now the favorite to win the costume contest at the big Halloween party later this week when he dresses up as a REALISTIC JAILHOUSE GANG RAPE VICTIM. We can only hope :)
*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery: