Chris Brown

Chris Brown celebrating his 24th birthday at 1OAK Nightclub in Las Vegas (5/4)

Someone wants to kills Chris Brown, and I don't get it at all. He seems like such a nice young man. Why I remember just a few years ago Chris used to routinely pick up trash from the side of the freeway in a reflective jumpsuit just because he cares so much about the environment. From TMZ:

The Los Angeles Police Department is currently investigating death threats made against Chris Brown. According to our sources, multiple threats were called in to the office of Brown's attorney, Mark Geragos. We're told the caller threatened Chris' life, but it's unclear what, if any, specific threats were made.

Our sources say Geragos took the threats very seriously and immediately reported them to the LAPD, giving them all the information he had on the calls. We're told Geragos filled out a report and the LAPD are currently investigating.

Why anyone would want to hurt a gentleman like Mr. Chris Brown is beyond me, and I'm a part-time psychiatrist as well as bodybuilder. Except for a few minor incidents, like destroying the makeup room at Good Morning America, living out his Thug Life fantasies in bowling alleys, starting a riot at NYC's Club WIP, gay-bashing Frank Ocean, and beating Rihanna half to death, I don't see a reason to hold a grudge . . . wait a second, what the hell am I saying? Those are great reasons to want to live out your Scarface fantasies on Chris. To be clear, I'm not actually wishing for someone to take a chainsaw to Chris' face in a cheap motel room. I mean, let's not get crazy here -- you'd get a huge cleaning fee charged to your credit card after you left, and, in this economy, no one has that kind of money to throw away.

*26 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown's house in the Hollywood Hills

Chris Brown is facing some pretty hefty fines for "unpermitted and excessive signage" on his property in the Hollywood Hills after some neighbors complained to an L.A. city councilman about the graffiti he painted all over his house. "Whatever, my neighbors are a bunch of pussies and don't know what life is like on the streets like I do," Chris thought to himself as he gazed out at the Los Angeles skyline from his marble bathtub, his entire body immersed in mineral water.

*6 Chris Brown house pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown doing Chris Brown things

Rihanna bought Chris Brown a million dollar car for his birthday. A fool and [her] money are soon parted . . . From The Sun:

Rihanna has got enough dosh to make sure Chris Brown doesn't just get socks and a dodgy jumper for his 24th birthday. The singer has shelled out more than $1.08 on a limited edition 2009 Mercedes-Benz SLR Stirling Moss -- only 75 were ever made.

A source said: "Chris is in Las Vegas with pals so he'll get his birthday gifts on his return to LA next week. Rihanna has spent more than a million dollars on his main gift - a custom-made car. She's had it personalized with his initials on the red leather seats."

A million dollar car, you say? I did a little check on this car, and most of what was written is true, but the devil is in the details. Granted, a 2009 Mercedes-Benz SLR Stirling Moss is a very expensive car, but the modifications it has are just so...Team Breezy. Not only does it have Chris' initials all over the interior, but it also has fuzzy dice made of smelling salts, a glove compartment that doubles as a spit bucket, and a passenger-side ejection seat just in case things get too pre-Grammy Awards for Rihanna. And you can hose out the interior like a Jeep. Let's see the detectives collect blood evidence now!

*20 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown leaving Playhouse nightclub in Hollywood (4/6)

No one really knows what the hell's going on with Chris Brown and Rihanna. There's a new story every day that claims they're either still dating, Chris is cheating on Rihanna, Rihanna is cheating on Chris. Since Chris is a violent lunatic, let's focus on him being an asshole. From the New York Daily News:

Does absence make the heart grow fonder or the eye wander? Troubled singer Chris Brown was spotted cozying up with a mystery woman Saturday night, days after he admitted he was worried his on-and-off again girlfriend Rihanna would cheat on him while touring.

Brown was partying at the Playhouse nightclub in Hollywood Saturday night and was caught holding hands with the blonde clubgoer. He even gave her a full bottle of Armand de Brignac champagne. Witnesses said Brown and his posse left the nightclub with a few girls in tow and piled into two vehicles.

Yeah, it's pretty safe to say that Chris is cheating, but why shouldn't he be? This prick beat the holy hell out of Rihanna and felt no blowback from the entertainment industry or the general public. Not only did he beat her half to death, but he went and got himself a lovely tattoo of her post-fight face to commemorate the occasion. Chris has Rihanna so whipped that she probably charged the hotel room for him and this random club slut to her credit card. Does this bother you, ladies? Don't let it. Instead of hating Chris for being Chris, turn that hatred inward for not supporting a battered woman better.

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

J.Lo is BFFs with Chris Brown

Because she thinks domestic violence is really awesome, here's a pic Jennifer Lopez tweeted of herself buddying up to convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown in the studio last week. Afterwards she gave Kim Jong Un a piggyback ride and then beat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a game of rock-paper-scissors. BFFs forever!!!

*3 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna heading to Dstrkt nightclub in London (3/4)

Even though he's now claiming it was just part of a song (but he wasn't actually singing), Chris Brown went on a mini rant about Rihanna's vagina Thursday morning at a club in Hollywood. No, really. From TMZ:

Chris was partying at Emerson Theatre in Hollywood early Thursday AM when he grabbed the mic from the DJ and went off on how to talk to your woman -- and the bizarre rant was all caught on tape.

Chris said, "You GOTTA say that one thing to her ... Don't make me have to tell you again, that's my pussy, baby! ... so you better not give it away! So every person in this motherfucking building, if you got a bad bitch you better say that shit to her, or she might fuck another nigga."

Hold on, hold on, writing this down . . . my pussy . . . bad bitch . . . might fuck another nigga . . . OK, got it. I think you'd have to say I'm the odds-on favorite now to win the next season of The Bachelorette. Thanks, Chris Brown!

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown threatens lowly valet

Chris Brown threatened a valet last night in L.A. over a $10 fee. Why? Because he's an unstable lunatic, of course. From TMZ:

It all went down at PINZ bowling alley in Studio City where CB had been attending a charity event with his posse. But when Chris went to get his car from the valet, the guy working the parking lot asked for the $10 charge and Chris got PISSED.

After the valet made it clear he couldn't release the car without the cash the singer and his posse surrounded the guy and at one point you can hear Chris say, "Fuck ten dollars."

Sources at the scene tell us Brown was angry because he was only at the event for 30 minutes and felt like he was getting ripped off by the valet ... and in a threatening manner, told the valet, "We gonna turn this whole thing on out."

Remember when Chris would have epic meltdowns for legitimate reasons, like when Rihanna found the Twitter sexting messages between him and Martyn, or the time he got in a tussle with Drake over a drink order? Now he's losing his shit over a lousy $10. I might not be a successful R&B spouse-abusing star, but $10 is a tip, not a reason to go ape-shit on a valet. Chris clearly has psychological problems, but there is hope for this asshole. I heard there's a pharmaceutical company, Smith & Wesson, that has a 100% success rate with their 45 caliber stress-relieving pill. Chris, I promise if you inject just one dose into the roof of your mouth, all the pain will go away.

*5 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Rihanna leaving her hotel in London (2/17)

According to In Touch Weekly, Chris Brown is showering Rihanna with gifts to "prove that he's more serious" this time around. Hey, it beats being showered with haymakers.

A source tells the new issue of In Touch that the bad boy dropped $65,000 on a pair of Neil Lane chandelier earrings that he presented to the Barbados-born beauty, explaining, "Chris wants to prove he's more serious now."

The source reveals when Neil Lane originally lent Rihanna this pair of earrings -- Chris took note when she gushed over how much she loved them, and without her knowing, purchased them for her.

Of course Chris wants to show Rihanna that he's more serious now -- nothing says "I'm an immature little silly goose" more than nearly beating your girlfriend to death (and then getting your victim's battered face tattooed on your scrawny neck in celebration of the occasion). Screw this jewelry crap, Chris needs to take Rihanna shopping at Sports Authority since they now carry the finest selection of MMA training equipment she could ever need. If Neil Lane chandelier earrings get her all hot and bothered, then imagine how soaked her panties would get if Chris bought her an official Anderson "Spider" Silva mouth guard? Or maybe some Chael Sonnen autographed kick pads? Hell, I might have to change the ol' thong, myself.

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown in Maui (2/21)

Chris Brown told The Mirror over the weekend that he really regrets almost beating Rihanna to death, but it's all good now, because she loves him again. Awww, how romantic. It's just like a really violent fairy tale. He said:

"Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals. That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake. But she loves me - what can I say? I'm forgiven... but, yes, I worked hard for it.

"People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time. But they don't know me, and they don't know us. It doesn't bother me any more. Other people can judge us but they don't know anything."

Yeah, Chris really did his penance. Rihanna made him suffer almost a month before she was back on all fours, taking it like a good battered spouse should do. I guess it's a lesson well-learned because Chris has been a model citizen ever since . . . well, except for throwing a chair through a window at Good Morning America . . . or starting a riot at WIP nightclub in New York . . . or gay-bashing the hell out of Frank Ocean . . . or not really completing his court mandated community service . . . wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Chris Brown is a fucking asshole.

*15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

Chris Brown in Maui (2/21)

NOTE TO CHRIS BROWN: It's impossible to look tough on a moped. Chill the fuck out. But by all means, continue riding without a helmet. Only good things can happen!

*30 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery: