He must see a woman
Chris Brown may have been sentenced to 90 days
in rehab, but that's not gonna stop him from eating some turkey and mashed potatoes. I'LL FUCKING PUNCH YOU MASHED POTATOES! A source told Hollywood Life
"[Chris] doesn't have to go right away to rehab but he'll have to commit real soon," a source close to the "Fine China" singer told HollywoodLife.com exclusively. "I know he wants to be home and spend thanksgiving with [his on-again/off-again girlfriend Karrueche Tran] and his family so we shall see."
Chris got lucky at court that he just was sent to rehab and not to jail -- but he doesn't look at it that way.
"He's not relieved because he knows the situation isn't over. He still has to go back to court. He knows he's got a long way to go and this is just the first step," a source told us. "He's lost all of his belief in the system and even though he gets to go home, he knows they're still after him."
Is "spending Thanksgiving with his family" a clever euphemism for "I'm gonna beat the holy fuck out of any jizz receptacle that dare look me in the eyes"? Because if it isn't, then it should be. This weird rage that Chris carries around for women and twinks isn't even about his repressed homosexuality anymore -- it just might be that Chris Brown is an asshole and a bit of a coward (I know, alert the media). Damn it all, with Jay-Z selling out black people to Barneys and Kanye pussy-whipped by both Kim and Kris, there aren't any BET performers left with enough clout to put the boots to Chris without looking like a homophobe.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown smashed his mom's window
So remember when Chris Brown went to rehab
last month to work on his anger issues? Didn't work. At all. He was kicked out of the facility after he smashed his mom's car window with a rock during a family session. Oh, wonderful. Hey, maybe we can keep booking this lunatic on The Today Show
so he really learns his lesson? Even though it's not gonna work, the judge in his probation case has ordered Chris to re-enroll in another facility for 90 days. From CNN
When he checked out on November 10 his representative said he would continue in the program as an outpatient. However, the probation report given to the judge Wednesday disputed that, saying he was kicked out of the program. It quoted a center official saying he was ordered out for "breaking programs rules by acting violently."
The violence involved Brown "throwing a rock through his mother's car window" after a family session at the center in which she said she wanted him to stay in the treatment.
"Mr. Brown preceded to walk outside and pick up a rock and threw it through his mother's car window and it shattered," according to letter from the rehab center included in the probation report.
What kind of rehab facility for violent people has rocks just laying around? Are there swords in the lobby as well?
Brown will leave the new rehab center three days a week to work eight-hour shifts of community labor so that he can complete the 1,000 hours of work still remaining in his punishment for the attack on Rihanna. The report estimated he will have to work on community labor three days of every week until next August to meet his deadline.
Hopefully Chris' eight-hour shifts of community labor don't involve clearing rocks from the side of the freeway. Because didn't you hear? Chris Brown throws rocks now. Rocks. That's scary. I would fucking destroy all 147 pounds of Chris in a fight, but rocks hurt.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown enters rehab
After being arrested
yet again over the weekend for pursuing his true passion (assaulting things), Chris Brown has checked himself into rehab. His rep issued a statement today full of win -- and by "win" I mean "complete bullshit":
"Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point."
How does rehab work for violent lunatics? Do you attend Impulse Control 101 class with all the heroin junkies, or do they just give you a stress ball and have you go sit by the bird feeder to reflect? Whatever, this is nothing but PR-spin bullshit. Chris has attended so many anger management classes in his life that he should have his PhD by now. Hey, you know what works better than rehab for violent lunatics like Chris? Drone strikes.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown performing at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia
Chris Brown spent the weekend in a Washington, D.C. jail after being arrested Sunday morning for felony assault. Chris Brown, you say? Are you sure? Seems like he'd be too busy volunteering down at the soup kitchen to get mixed up in all this assault business. From CNN
The police incident report obtained by CNN identified the alleged victim as Isaac Adams Parker, 20, of Beltsville, Maryland. Parker did not immediately respond to a CNN call for comment.
Parker told police that he tried to jump into a photo that Brown was posing for with a female fan on the sidewalk when the singer said, "I'm not down with that gay shit" and "I feel like boxing," the police report said. Parker said that Brown then punched him in the face with his closed fist, the report said.
This "incident" is especially problematic for Chris since he's still on probation for beating Rihanna half to death in 2009. On the bright side, he's now the favorite to win the costume contest at the big Halloween party later this week when he dresses up as a REALISTIC JAILHOUSE GANG RAPE VICTIM. We can only hope :)
*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
"Raise your hand if you condone violence against woman!"
Can Chris Brown do anything anywhere without acting like a little asshole and pissing a bunch of people off? Well obviously, no, or I wouldn't be writing about this. From TMZ
Chris Brown took his bad-neighbor ways on vacation, throwing a huge house party inside his rented Hawaiian mansion and pissing off a slew of neighbors in the process.
CB was in the Aloha state last week for a gig and rented a sick pad in Honolulu -- we're talkin' 5,100 square feet, pool and spa for $2,450 per night. But CB didn't start out the best tenant. Sources connected to the situation tell us the first night Chris was in town he threw a giant shindig -- and neighbors were so pissed they called the owner of the house to complain.
As we reported, right after Chris got back from Hawaii, his L.A. neighbors also complained about noise, but they called cops.
Shocking, simply shocking and unbelievable. How can anyone claim that Chris Brown is an asshole of a neighbor? I just don't believe that a neighbor can be this overbearing and obnoxious. Mr. Brown is probably misunderstood by his neighbors because of his status in the world. Maybe if they took the time to get to know him a little, their prejudgment of him wouldn't be so harsh. We can all stand to learn a lesson in friendship from Chris Brown. I mean, I'm sure that he wouldn't use chemical weapons on his own people . . . oh shit, did I say Chris Brown? Oopsie. Do me a favor? Be a dear and replace "Chris Brown" with "Syrian Mass Murderer Bashar al-Assad." Sorry about the mix-up -- I blame my auto-correct.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown leaving Hooray Henry's nightclub in West Hollywood
Turns out that judges don't like it when you fake community service
so Chris Brown was just assigned 1,000 additional hours of it. That's 125 8-hour days. Hope his weekends are free for the next year. From the L.A. Times
Singer Chris Brown agreed to do another 1,000 hours of community labor to resolve issues involving potential violations of his felony probation and the number of hours he completed. As part of a deal, the district attorney withdrew it motions challenging the number of hours he completed and a potential violation connected with a hit-and-run charge, which was dismissed this week.
Brown must complete the hours by Aug. 25, 2014. Under the terms, which were announced after three closed-door sessions with the judge and attorneys, Brown's community labor options include work for Caltrans or cleaning up beaches or graffiti.
Oh great, Chris Brown gets to perform his version of community service, which means he gets to continue to be an entitled asshole. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate Chris' douchebaggery -- his antics are the reason why I didn't have to dance for my rent this year -- but I'm just concerned for the safety of women in general (and Frank Ocean-type boys in particular). Unless the courts hire Drake to be Chris' supervisor, I don't know if there's anyone in the California Probation Department with the cojones to smash him in the face with a bottle of Johnny Walker when he steps out of line again. Okay, I'll volunteer.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Here's Chris Brown getting his mind off that seizure he had on Friday (caused by our negativity
) by cruising around in his Porsche 911 Turbo in L.A. yesterday. Driving a 530 horsepower sports car just days after suffering a mysterious seizure? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? Hopefully he's on his way to go fly the Space Shuttle or something else dangerous and explodey that requires 100% concentration.*15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown on the set of the music video Love More in Hollywood
Chris Brown threw a pity party for himself on Twitter today and said he's retiring when his new album [Google it because fuck him] is released. Promise?
Oh yes, how terrible of all of us to judge Chris over a silly little "mistake" he made when he was 18. He didn't mean to take his right hand and shove [Rihanna's] head against the passenger window of the vehicle causing an approximate one inch raised circular contusion.
[She] turned to face Brown and he punched her in the left eye with his right hand. He then drove away in his vehicle and continued to punch her in the face with his right hand while steering the vehicle with his left hand. The assault caused [Rihanna's] mouth to fill with blood and blood to splatter all over her clothing and the interior of the vehicle
. I mean, oopsy, right? No one judged me last week when I accidentally put ketchup on my salad instead of dressing and that, too, was a mistake just like Chris made. I really feel for him.*15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown charged with hit and run
Remember the accident Chris Brown got into last month
that should have been nothing but became something because he acted like a little asshole? He's officially being charged with hit and run. Which is not ideal if you're already on probation. From CNN
The Los Angeles city attorney filed charges of hit-and-run driving and driving without a license, according to spokesman Frank Mateljan.
While the misdemeanor charges -- which carry a maximum of a year in jail -- would not ordinarily threaten a defendant's freedom, Brown's felony probation could be revoked if a judge decides the new arrest is a violation. A spokesman for the Los Angeles County district attorney said prosecutors will review the charge once they are officially notified by the city attorney.
An arraignment for the new charges has been set for the morning of July 15 at the Van Nuys courthouse. Brown is also scheduled to be in a downtown Los Angeles courtroom that afternoon for another hearing to set a date for his trial in his probation violation case.
How interesting that Chris is due in court to face these hit and run charges the same day that he'll be in court to face charges that he faked his community service
. Turns out that being a violent lunatic can be really convenient sometimes.*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:
Chris Brown at the 2013 BET Awards nominations
A duet he recorded with Rihanna was supposed to be featured on Chris Brown's new album X
, but since he hates the bitch now, that's not gonna happen. Meh, no big deal. Getting cut from an album is much better than getting cut from a fist repeatedly punching you in the face. A source told HollywoodLife
"Just saw the working track list for 'X' yesterday -- Rihanna is not on there. Record execs wanted that song on there, but Chris said he would rather not and wouldn't allow the record to be released unless they took it off. They're still hoping to convince Chris or pay him more to change his mind because it would be a hit. The record hasn't been pressed yet, so things can change, but at this point he's not changing his mind."
Am I supposed to infer that Chris Brown is a self-indulgent bitch baby who throws tantrums and chairs through windows when he doesn't get his way? I don't know why anyone would ever come to that conclusion, besides seeing the public tantrums
and chair-throwing incidents
. Hey, plenty of really good dudes did douchy things to spurn an ex. At least he's only trying (and failing) to derail her career, and not giving her a John Hinckley, Jr.
-type display of affection. Remember, there's a reason why Chris' high school voted him "Most Likely to Turn an Ex Into a Pez Dispenser." *15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery: