Chris Brown

Chris Brown performing at Globen, Stockholm (6/2)

Chris Brown was just fired by his publicist after a huge mess where he was supposed to bring a vanilla cake to her birthday but he got mixed up and ended up bringing a red velvet cake and it was just a nightmare and yada yada yada. Nah, I'm totally kidding. It was because he went all Chris Brown on her. From TMZ:
Chris had an angry exchange with PR guru Nicole Perna over magazine covers he wanted for his clothing line. The conversation started with Perna texting him, "Loooove all the black pyramid pieces ... awesome collection!"

A frustrated Brown did not receive the compliment well, saying, "I don't want you texting me compliments with no results." He went on to accuse Perna of doing nothing to secure Vogue, GQ or any other publications, telling her, "Get in the game."

And then the fireworks started. Perna lashed out, "Anna Wintour doesn't want to fuck with you. These editors don't want to fuck with you." She goes on, "The majority of my time is spent on damage control. I am constantly cleaning shit up and having your back."

Brown fires back, "NICOLE, you texting me as if I will give a fuck if u dont work for me or not ... Do whatever makes u feel better. Me personally, I DONT GIVE A FUCK!!!"

Mike G, Chris' manager who just sued the singer for allegedly attacking him...
Of course
was included in the string of texts. Chris then texted, "Mike, this bitch got all the balls in the world talking to me but can't talk to the editors or anyone for that matter when they release bullshit in the press ... Send this bitch her termination."

And then, Perna texts Chris, "Chris, respect. You're in my prayers x."

Chris's final shot, "Bitch u in my nightmares."
In other news, Chris Brown actually had a real life publicist. What, was Hitler unavailable? Oh yeah, he's dead. Okay, I guess Chris was the next best choice.

ALTERNATE HEADLINE: "And then I shoved her in the sternum like this!"

*15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Publicist Quit 1
  • Chris Brown Publicist Quit 2
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Chris Brown celebrating his birthday at Drais nightclub in Las Vegas (5/8)

Breaking news about Chris Brown: He's a fucking asshole. He's now terrorizing his neighbors and their children. From the L.A. Times:
Los Angeles police are asking the city attorney to decide whether to charge Brown after an incident Wednesday in which police say the artist and members of his entourage performed dangerous stunts on an all-terrain vehicle while children were present.

Los Angeles police Capt. Paul Vernon said a neighbor of Brown's on Citrus Ridge Drive warned that the ATV was dangerous on the suburban street, complained about the noise and asked that he stop. Vernon said Brown responded "with a series of obscenities at the guy."

One of the neighbors who complained then called police. When West Valley officers rang the bell on Brown's gate, his security detail emerged and "told officers Brown wouldn't let them in or speak to them and they should call his lawyer," Vernon said.

"Neighbors were able to identify Brown as one of those riding the ATV and so we are taking it to the city attorney for disturbing the peace," Vernon said.
This doesn't sound like the Chris Brown I know. The Chris Brown I know would never run and hide behind his gate when the cops came. He would face off with them man to man . . . I'm totally kidding of course. This sounds exactly like Chris. He probably ran and hid behind his rose bushes when he first saw them. "Protect me, bodyguards! The police officers are all male!"

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Dickhead Neightbor 1
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  • Chris Brown Dickhead Neightbor 10

Chris Brown out and about in Paris, France (3/6)

Flynet says this is Chris Brown "hitting the town" in Paris last night. Oh, I get it. He's out for a night of fun and revelry, which is often informally described as "hitting the town." I can't be the only one who read that that thought he was literally beating up a city, right? "Why you be disrespectin' me, bitch ass Paris! *smack*"

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Paris Nightlife 1
  • Chris Brown Paris Nightlife 2
  • Chris Brown Paris Nightlife 3
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Chris Brown at the Cannes Film Festival last year

By all measures, Chris Brown is a horrible person rivaled in history only by villains like
Adolf Hitler and maybe Joseph Stalin. But is he horrible enough to carelessly give his baby daughter asthma? Let's go to the child's mother (aka "baby mama" in street parlance) for a verdict (via TMZ):
Nia Guzman claims 1-year-old Royalty has developed asthma, and she says it's all because Chris has exposed her to an extreme amount of secondhand smoke. Brown is a weed and tobacco enthusiast. Nia says when Royalty comes back from a visit with Chris she usually reeks of smoke.

[Nia] wants the judge to force Chris to take random drug tests, prohibit him from using drugs or consuming alcohol around Royalty, and stop him from smoking around their daughter.
Via a deleted Instagram post, Chris claims Nia is full of shit and just wants more money from him since he made so much of it after beating up Rihanna and launching their careers:
Absolutely untrue. I quit cigarettes on New Years. NO ONE smokes around my daughter. This is obviously a play to get some sort of increased income. I take care of my daughter and I would never ever put her in a position that will harm her.
I'm with Chris on this one. He clearly loves his daughter and would never do something that would potentially harm her. Nope. Not Chris Brown. Never . . . "UNLESS HO BE DISRESPECTIN' ME. BITCH I'LL GET YOU!" Oh, Chris. You are nothing if not violently predictable :)

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Smoking Kid 1
  • Chris Brown Smoking Kid 2
  • Chris Brown Smoking Kid 3
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  • Chris Brown Smoking Kid 10

Chris Brown and Scott Disick leaving 1OAK nightclub in West Hollywood (1/19)

Has there ever been a more unlikeable pairing of friends than Scott Disick and Chris Brown? The two were seen leaving 1OAK together on Tuesday night, no doubt the trunk of Chris' car filled with candy stolen from babies. Just . . . ugh.  Hitler and Bin Laden could be walking down the street holding hands and I wouldn't hate them as much as these two. "My, that's quite the fetching mustache."

*10 Chris Brown and Scott Disick pictures total in the gallery:

  • Scott Disick Chris Brown BFFs 1
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Chris Brown at Drai's Nightclub in Las Vegas (1/1)

He assaulted a woman. Chris Brown kicked off 2016 by assaulting a woman. Err, allegedly. Let's not jump to conclusions about this peaceful little koala bear. From USA Today:
Singer Chris Brown is part of an ongoing investigation by the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department related to a report filed Saturday morning about an altercation outside a suite at the Palms Casino Resort.

Brown, who was in Las Vegas for a New Year's show at a different venue, is being accused of taking a woman's cellphone and hitting her after she tried to take a photograph with him.

According to a press release from the Las Vegas police, "A crime report has been taken for misdemeanor theft and misdemeanor battery listing Mr. Brown as a suspect." The woman "appeared to have minor injuries sustained as a result of a battery," the release says.
According to TMZ, the accuser's name is Liziane Gutierrez and Chris is allegedly suing her for defamation for besmirching his good name. By all accounts, this chick sounds crazy as fuck, but, like 99.99% of potential jurors out there, I'm always gonna take a woman's side against Chris Brown. "We the jury find the plaintiff, Chris Brown, guilty." Pretty sure juries can do that. It's called the "Legal Switcheroo because Chris Brown is a Fucking Asshole."

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown AKA Mike Tyson 1
  • Chris Brown AKA Mike Tyson 2
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Chris Brown performing on Jimmy Kimmel Live! in Hollywood (12/7)

Remember when Chris Brown got booted from his Daily Show appearance because everyone remembered that he's a violent wife beater?  Apparently Jimmy Kimmel doesn't really care about that because Chris performed on his show last night. So, what? Is Jimmy trying to say it's perfectly okay to punch a woman repeatedly if she be disrespectin' you? Yes, I think that's exactly what he's saying. You better have his scotch ready and dinner on the table when he gets home from work. "Bitch, I wanted single malt!"

*30 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Jimmy Kimmel Appearance 1
  • Chris Brown Jimmy Kimmel Appearance 2
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Chris Brown leaving a video shoot in Los Angeles (11/6)

BREAKING: Not everyone has forgotten that Chris Brown is a violent dickhead. Like The Daily Show staff, for example. They remember. From The Washington Post:
Controversial R&B singer Chris Brown's appearance on "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah" was abruptly canceled on Tuesday night without any official reasoning from Comedy Central or Brown. The cancellation came a day after a report appeared claiming that some of the show's staffers were uncomfortable with the singer appearing on the program.

On Monday, Andrew Kirell of The Daily Beast wrote that anonymous "Daily Show" sources said staffers were divided over Brown, citing his history of violence. Brown was also charged with misdemeanor assault in Washington two years ago while he was on probation.

Kirell reported that Noah considered using Brown's appearance on the comedy show for a serious moment. "While many staffers disapprove of the booking decision, host Trevor Noah allegedly hopes to use the interview to bring light to domestic abuse issues," Kirell explained. "Our sources confirmed that Noah brought up such a possibility during an all-hands meeting on Monday afternoon."
You can't really blame The Daily Show staffers for this mini revolt. Can you imagine being a little groggy at work and going to get some coffee. But instead of the coffee machine in the break room, it's Chris Brown. And instead of delicious coffee, you get punched in the face. Yes, that would definitely wake you up, but at least your nose doesn't bleed when you drink coffee.*

*except with Folgers. That stuff is terrible.

*15 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Daily Show 1
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Chris Brown denied Australian visa

There was speculation last week that Chris Brown wouldn't be allowed into Australia for his current world tour because he hits girls even though he hasn't been 7-years-old in years, and now it's official. From Reuters:
Australia intends to refuse a visa for U.S. singer and hip-hop star Chris Brown, a government spokesman said on Sunday, following through on a threat made last week over the singer's history of domestic violence.

Brown, 26, had been due to perform at a series of concerts in four Australian cities in December.

A spokesman for Immigration Minister Peter Dutton said a notice had been sent to the singer indicating the government intends to consider refusal and he had four weeks to respond.
Chris was so distraught about the decision that he posted to following pic to Instagram:


Sure Chris may be so rich that he can park a $500k Lamborghini Aventador Superveloce in his living room, but at least I can still visit Australia.

Winner: Okay, still Chris. Seriously, fuck that guy.

*15 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Officially Banned 1
  • Chris Brown Officially Banned 2
  • Chris Brown Officially Banned 3
  • Chris Brown Officially Banned 4
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"And then I elbowed her real good like this!"

Add Australia to the list of countries that is noping the fuck out of Chris Brown. He was supposed to tour the country in December, but then someone remembered that Australian women hate to get punched in the face. From Page Six:
Michaelia Cash, who was assistant minister for Immigration and Border Protection before a Cabinet reshuffle this week, said she would recommend that Immigration Minister Peter Dutton refuse the 25-year-old American a visa on character grounds.

"People need to understand if you are going to commit domestic violence and then you want to travel around the world, there are going to be countries that say to you: 'You cannot come in because you are not of the character we expect in Australia,'" Cash, who is now minister for women, told reporters. "This is a government that is not afraid to say: 'no.'"

She was backed by Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, who said Cash "has very brilliantly expressed the thoughts of the government."
How much of a violent lunatic do you have to be to be banned from Australia? Australia is the scariest god damn place on Earth. Literally everything there can kill you. Oh what an interesting looking rock. Nope, it's a deadly stonefish and its sting is one of the most painful known to man. Oh, look at that gorgeous bird. Nope, it's a cassowary and after it catches up to you because it can run 30mph, it will gut you with it's 5-inch, dagger-like middle toe. Oh, what a nice seashell to add to our collection. Nope, it's a textile cone and it possesses enough neurotoxin to kill a human. And yet they're still afraid of Chris Brown. He really needs to reevaluate things in his life.

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Australia Ban 1
  • Chris Brown Australia Ban 2
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