Chris Brown

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What, did you really think a post with the title "Chris Brown weighs in on..." would contain something that made any sense whatsoever?

TOMORROW: Chris Brown weighs in on the Russia Ukraine crisis.


Chris Brown at Jack Kemp Stadium in L.A. (8/17)

Because I guess he thinks it's going to rehab his image, Chris Brown organized a charity kickball game a few weeks ago, and a charity flag football game on Sunday. A bunch of celebs played, including Omarion, The Game, Bow Wow, and Terrel Owens. That's Chris, above, no doubt with the flags sewn to his shorts. Because if you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. I'm excited to report that Celebslam has obtained some EXCLUSIVE footage of Chris playing in the game:

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Tremendous run, Chris!

*20 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Charity Football 1
  • Chris Brown Charity Football 2
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Chris Brown in Cannes (8/3)

Here's Chris Brown jet skiing in Cannes earlier this week. According to INF, Chris received a "serious warning" by the Maritime Police for jet skiing in a nature reserve. So basically, Chris Brown beat up nature. Fuck you, nature. Shouldn't be disrespectin'.

*20 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Nature Reserve 1
  • Chris Brown Nature Reserve 2
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Chris Brown on a yacht off St. Tropez (7/31)

Wanted to kick off the week with a rare look at the bottom of Chris Brown's shoes. What an absolute treat! Normally you have to be a woman he's dating to see that. *rimshot*

*30 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Shoes 1
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Chris Brown at the 1st Annual Skate Jam Party in L.A. (6/28)

Chris Brown may be getting a reality show. A camera on Chris 24/7? Isn't that already part of his parole? From TMZ:
Multiple sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ,  BET has made it clear to several production companies, the network would absolutely air a Chris Brown reality series, chronicling his life after jail. We're told several production companies are angling to sign Chris, but so far that hasn't happened.  If it does, we're told the show will get on the air.

A focus group was held Tuesday in the San Fernando Valley ... asking participants if they'd watch a reality show in which Chris tries to stay on the straight and narrow -- free from violence and drugs.  We're told the group -- comprised entirely of African American females -- was split, but the majority said they'd watch to see if Chris would screw up.
Honestly, I'm all for this. A Chris Brown reality show would be entertaining as hell. It'd be like a better version of Wipeout on ABC. "This Thursday, don't miss an all new Chris Brown Show. Two dumb sluts enter Chris' apartment after a night of clubbing, but only one will make it out without a broken sternum! Don't miss it!"

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*5 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Reality Show 1
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  • Chris Brown Reality Show 5

Chris Brown leaving The SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills (6/21)

Now we know what Chris Brown was doing in jail the past few months: eating. That's Chris and his growing double chin leaving the SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills over the weekend, no doubt after partaking in the breakfast buffet. Chris was just a scrawny kid when he beat the shit out of Rihanna. Now it actually looks like his punches will have some heft behind them. It's absolutely terrifying to consider if you have a uterus and your hobby is disrespectin'.

*30 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Fat 1
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Chris Brown is gonna have an awesome summer in jail

Chris Brown was sentenced to 131 extra days in jail on Friday after he admitted to violating his probation by punching a dude in Washington, D.C. last year . . . *c'mon prison riot* . . . *c'mon prison riot* . . . *c'mon prison riot* . . . From Reuters:
Brown must also undergo therapy and random drug testing as part of his sentence from Los Angeles Superior Court Judge James Brandlin, who said he took into account an undiagnosed mental illness and the singer's young age when he assaulted Rihanna on the eve of the 2009 Grammy Awards.
Being an asshole counts as a mental illness nowadays?
Brown's probation was reinstated Friday and is expected to end in January 2015. He must also complete the 1,000 hours of community service he was sentenced in August last year after prosecutors accused him of cutting corners on the work.
So Chris has to stay out of trouble until January, 2015? There's no fucking way. That's over six months. Asking Chris Brown to not assault someone for six months is like asking Alec Baldwin to give up chocolate covered meat for six months. And as you know, you do not get in between Alec Baldwin and chocolate covered meat. Many have tried . . . MANY HAVE DIED!

*10 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown More Jail Time 1
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Chris Brown's signature "crotch grab/retard face" dance move

Chris Brown's assault trial in Washington, D.C. has been delayed until late June, which means the singer may have to stay in jail until then. He's already been in jail since March 14, and an L.A. judge denied his lawyers request to set bail earlier this week. His next probation hearing is May 1, so he'll definitely be in jail for at least until then. In summary, fuck Chris Brown. Oh, did you think this story was leading to a different conclusion?

*5 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Long Time in Jail 1
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Chris Brown spent the weekend in jail

Gotta hand it to the LAPD for their timing. A judge revoked Chris Brown's probation on Friday, and he was arrested the same day, which means he had to spend the weekend in jail because judges only work Monday - Friday. A win for everyone involved, except Chris Brown's asshole. From the Los Angeles Times:
The violation, according to the Associated Press, reportedly came after Brown's discharge from a rehabilitation facility. The warrant for Brown's arrest said the judge overseeing his probation learned he had been discharged "for failure to comply with rules and regulations of the program."

Several sources told the Los Angeles Times that they did not know how Brown allegedly violated the terms of his probation.
Does anyone else feel that, while he made a horrible mistake in the past, Chris Brown really has tried to make amends, but is now being railroaded by a racist criminal justice system out for blood. No? Good, me neither. Fuck this punk.

*6 Chris Brown pictures total in the gallery:

  • Chris Brown Weekend in Jail 1
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  • Chris Brown Weekend in Jail 5

Rihanna outside the Miu Miu show during Paris Fashion Week (3/5)

Rihanna getting back together with Chris Brown? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? . . . Oh, that's right: a collapsed lung, concussion, broken forearm, torn meniscus, snapped elbow, broken fibula, torn MCL, torn ACL, broken jaw, bruised sternum, and maybe a black eye. A source told the New York Post:
"Chris started texting Rihanna on her birthday [Feb. 20], and the two have been sending each other a flurry of texts ever since. Rihanna didn't write back right away . . . but later that night she started getting sentimental and texted back, 'thank you,' and asked how he was," our source added. "Since then, the two haven't stopped texting each other and friends are freaked out that she's going to start dating him again."

Another source familiar with situation said it was Rihanna who initially reached out to Brown, to tell him she "missed him," before she flew off to Paris to meet Drake on tour.
This doesn't surprise me at all, and if you've been reading Celebslam for the last few years, it shouldn't surprise you amateurs, either. Is there any doubt at all that Rihanna is totally addicted to marginally-talented shit-dicks? What surprises me to this day is the sexual tension between Drake and Chris that no one addresses. It's the lavender gorilla in the room. I guarantee that once the two asswipes merge semen inside of Rihanna at the same time, all of the tension will magically dissipate. It's what BET looks for in soap operas.

*20 Rihanna pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rihanna Paris Fashion Week Outfit 1
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  • Rihanna Paris Fashion Week Outfit 1
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Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: