Chick fight! Chick fight!

Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are fighting

Former BFFs, Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed, have totally turned into frenemies. Holy shit, did I really just say that? I need to go punch something. I've turned into a total pussy since my local fight club disbanded last year. From Star:

"[Nikki and Kristen] can't stand each other," an insider tells Star. "They don't even talk anymore. Kristen has never forgiven Nikkie for the fling she had with [her boyfriend Robert Pattinson]. Kristen never confronted Rob about the affair, she just put the blame on Nikki and accused her of pursuing him."

The insider also reveals that Nikki has another problem with Kristen -- her hypocritical attitude toward stardom: "Nikki's the most down-to-earth actress you'll ever meet," says the source. "Kristen acts like she can't be bothered with fame, yet she lives for all the press about her and Rob. Nikki is very vocal about Kris not being appreciative of her success. Nikki is not one to censor herself to avoid confrontation, and Kristen does not like that." (Print Edition - 12/12)

Oh my God, enough! This sounds like the first two hours of each of the Twilight movies -- the only one missing is the sleepy-eyed chupacabra on steroids. I don't care what Kristen and Nikki's problems are with each other, I just want them to go away and stop ruining monster movies for me. Movies like Interview with a Vampire = handjob, while Twilight = Interview with Child Protective Services. I don't want to date myself, but in my day, vampires would burst into flames when exposed to sunlight, not look like they got covered in K-Y Jelly.

*11 Nikki Reed and Kristen Stewart pictures total in the gallery:

OH THE HUMANITY!

A few months ago, during a segment for E!'s Fashion Police, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a "fat bitch." Well it looks like the two haven't buried the hatchet . . . or fork . .. or butter knife . . . or gravy boat. From Us Weekly:

On E!'s Fashion Police [last] Friday, the 26-year-old slammed Christina Aguilera for her weight. "She called me fat for years," Osbourne said. "I was never that fat."

Osbourne was criticizing Aguilera's performance look at last weekend's Michael Jackson Tribute Concert. The 30-year-old paired a pantsless ensemble with fishnet tights, heavy makeup and supersized hair.

"Fat" is about the nicest thing you could say about Christina at the Michael Jackson Tribute (above). I've seen smaller chicks on The Biggest Loser. And I mean the premiere episode, not the season finale.

[Co-host George] Kotsiopoulos pointed out Aguilera was "still probably a size 2/4," but Osbourne was quick to disagree.

"Trust me," [Osbourne] said. "I'm a 2/4. That is not a 2/4."

When talking about Christina, Kelly thinks she was "never that fat"? It sounds like Ms. Osbourne has become a bigger revisionist historian than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Newsflash Kelly: You weren't as fat as Christina is now, you were fatter. So get off your high horse . . . no really, get off your horse -- CHRISTINA'S TRYING TO EAT IT! AHHHH!!! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

*10 Christina Aguilera pictures total in the gallery:

Christina Aguilera leaving a recording studio in Burbank (6/23)

Wait a minute, let's not jump to conclusions here. Maybe Kelly didn't mean this in a negative way. For example, I call my wife a fat bitch all the time, but it's because I love her so much. "Why isn't dinner ready, you fat bitch!" From the Daily Mail:

Kelly Osbourne certainly shy in revealing how she feels about her nemesis Christina Aguilera. While shooting a segment for E!'s Fashion Police segment, the reality star criticised her rival's fuller figure by calling her a "fat bitch."

Commenting on a photo of the singer wearing a tight black dress, the 26-year-old sniped: "Maybe she's just becoming the fat bitch she was always born to be. I don't know. She was a cunt to me ... She called me fat for so many fucking years, so you know what? Fuck you, you're fat too!"

Well, if it isn't the pot calling the kettle black. Or in this case, the cow calling the hippo fat. Kelly might think her shit doesn't stink now that she's recently lost a few pounds, but racist stereotypes have taught me that her weight is probably just like a Palestinian teenager -- ready to blow up at any second. Frankly, Kelly's kind of amazing. Even when she's not eating that much these days, apparently she still can't seem to keep her mouth shut.

*31 Christina Aguilera pictures total in the gallery:

Jenna Jameson and Chelsea Handler are fighting 

The irony, it is so thick. From the New York Daily News:

"Chelsea handler makes fun of peoples kids... " Jameson tweeted. "Probably because she's a dried up old whore."

Though the vulgar insult appeared unprovoked, it may be retaliation for comments Handler made in a December interview with Katie Couric for Glamour magazine. When Couric asked the late-night host whether she ever has "second thoughts about being raunchy," Handler took issue with the adjective.

"I say things that a lot of people wouldn't say, and some of it probably isn't in the best taste," she said. "But when I hear the word raunchy, to me that describes Jenna Jameson."

LOL! Jenna Jameson calling someone a whore is like Mel Gibson calling someone a racist. If Jenna's going to start lashing out at people that have disrespected her, she better start with every single co-star she's ever had. Because frankly, after a 20 year career in porn, there's only one place that's ever had more icing on it than her face: a hockey rink.

*15 Jenna Jameson pictures total in the gallery:

Betty White arriving to the 12th Annual "Mark Twain Award for American Humor" at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC (11/9)

This is definitely one of the sexiest chick fights of 1955. From the New York Post:

Betty White has finally fired back to a months-old dig from 84-year-old "Malcolm in the Middle" actress Cloris Leachman. In an interview with reporters at the Television Critics Association tour in August for Leachman's new Fox show, "Raising Hope," Leachman had said, "I'm so sick of Betty White. Never liked her." Yesterday, asked to comment on the remark in a Wall Street Journal online profile of Leachman by Amy Chozick, White, 88, snapped back: "Is she still conscious?"

We have to sign Betty and Cloris up for one of those celebrity boxing matches. Aw man, I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about these two going at it. Instead of smelling salts, the ringside doctor would use BENGAY®. Of course there'd have to be a strict rule against hitting below the belt -- because that's where their tits are. On the positive side, neither woman would need mouth guards -- they could both just take out their teeth.

*5 Betty White pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham leaving Claridges Hotel in London (11/9)

OK, not really. But she does think she's become a parody of herself. Multimillionaire fight! *throws Google stock certificates at each other* Via Celebuzz:

Victoria's brand is celebrated for its elegant robes and classic styles, and the designer isn't sure about celebrities such as Lady Gaga who opt for wacky outfits. Nevertheless, the glamorous star does admire the kooky singer's ability to don such high heels when she's traveling.

"I have a lot of respect that she can walk in those shoes going through airports. I mean, goodness, people think I dress up to go to an airport! I think she's really doing her thing. That's her," Victoria told WWD.

"If I'm being completely honest, is it fair to say she may have become a little bit of a parody of herself? Is that fair to say?"

It's ironic that Victoria Beckham thinks Lady Gaga's turned into a parody of herself. Especially when she looks more and more like "UK Accent Barbie" every day (bolt-on tits, 24-inch waist). As it turns out, Victoria could actually learn a thing or two about improving one's appearance from Lady Gaga. Step 1. Women sometimes look better with a little meat on their bones (see here).

*10 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Demi Moore wants to kick Jenny McCarthy's ass

Apparently Demi Moore's not too happy with Jenny McCarthy for talking about her marital problems during her recent appearance on The Joy Behar Show. She's let it be known that if she ever runs into Jenny in public, she's gonna cut a bitch. From the National Enquirer:

"I'd tell (Demi) to do some investigation, investigate the [cheating] rumors and see if it's true. If it's true, I may need to re-evaluate this relationship," Jenny said during an interview on the "The Joy Behar Show."

When she heard about Jenny's comments, 47-year-old Demi freaked out, said a source close to her. "Demi couldn't believe Jenny had the audacity to discuss her marriage on TV," the source said. "She's desperately tying to distance herself from this whole sordid mess. The last thing she needs is another celebrity going through her dirty linen on a talk show.

As the Enquirer reported, Demi and Ashton recently vacationed together in Israel in part to put rumors of marital strife behind them. But Jenny's public comments sabotaged those efforts. Demi told her pal: "Clearly, Jenny feels it's OK to meddle with other people's relationships. I'll never forgive her."

I'd love to say something degrading about these two over-privileged silicone-chested loudmouths, but the reality is I'd rather just imagine them settling their differences in an inflatable pool filled with canola oil and vibrators. Now, that imagery may sound a little perverse to the casual reader, but let me assure you that everything would be handled in a mature and dignified manner. So yes, I would remove the batteries first.

*20 Jenny McCarthy pictures total in the gallery:

"Casual Friday" at Jessica White's office

Sean Penn getting embarrassed and hot chicks fighting? It's the most perfect story in the world. From Radar:

Sports Illustrated model Jessica White was arrested over the weekend for assault but her lawyer gave RadarOnline.com the exclusive details behind the incident, revealing White was in the midst of celebrating her recent breakup from Sean Penn.

“Jessica was out with a bunch of friends celebrating her new single status,” her attorney Mark Jay Heller said. “She just ended her relationship with Sean Penn and was celebrating.”

According to reports, White allegedly hit a woman repeatedly in the face and pulled her hair. She was then arrested outside of New York’s Avenue Lounge. She was held in police custody for over 12 hours.

God I love chick fights -- even more when they involve supermodels. If I was the cop responding to this fight, I totally would have been fired.

Me: "Ma'am, are you trying to tell me that you pulled Jessica's hair and called her mom a whore?"

Chick #1: "Damn right I did that fucking bitch!"

Me: *turns to Jessica* "You're not just gonna take that, are you?"

*15 Jessica White pictures total in the gallery:

Molly Sims and the body formerly known as Heidi Montag

I don't know why in the hell Molly Sims would comment on Heidi Montag, but she did, so let's run with it. From Health magazine (via the New York Post):

Molly Sims feels sorry for surgically enhanced Heidi Montag. "I think Heidi Montag is a really sick girl, something is off. You don't get F-size boobs. And I'm not judging her. I feel sorry for her," Sims tells Health magazine.

Molly's just jealous. Deep down inside, she probably just wishes she had platinum blonde hair, FFF boobs, and a waist so small she could use a charm bracelet for a belt. Of course, there's probably one thing Heidi has that Molly's glad she doesn't have: a marriage certificate with Spencer Pratt's name on it. Even though she looks like a living Barbie Doll, that piece of paper is more of a turn off to guys than if she had a penis.

*11 photos total in the gallery:

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley on the set of Transformer 3 in Culver City (7/2)

C'mon Rosie, don't let that uppity bitch Megan Fox talk shit about you. If I was in your position, I'd pull her hair and playfully paw at her. That'll show her! From the Chicago Sun Times:

Word has it, Megan Fox is really bugged that Rosie Huntington-Whiteley -- who replaced her as Shia LaBeouf's love interest for "Transformers 3" -- is expected to be the next "It" girl.

Folks close to Fox claim the actress is irked about all the positive press Huntington-Whiteley is getting -- including long-term plans for magazine covers featuring the Victoria's Secret model tied to the July 4, 2011, release of "TF3."

A source in Fox's camp whispers, "Megan talks about Rosie all the time -- bitching about how 'that Victoria's Secret slut' is getting so much attention."

What did Megan think was going to happen once she'd been replaced? That people would still care about her? She should ask Paula Abdul how well things have worked out for her since she quit American Idol. The reality is, if you want to make it in Hollywood, you can't burn the bridge your cash cow is standing on. Also, have big tits.

*30 pictures total in the gallery: