Chick fight! Chick fight!

Jennifer Lopez leaving the Gansevoort Hotel in New York (7/10)

Who knew, but apparently Jennifer Lopez and Eva Longoria hate each other. J.Lo's trying to steal Eva's boyfriend Jose Antonio Baston because women are fucking evil like that. Still can't believe we let them vote. From Star:
Newly single Jennifer Lopez is back on the prowl for a new man, and Star has learned that her sights are set on Eva Longoria's boyfriend, Jose Antonio Baston. The 45-year-old singer threw girl code out the window when she was recently spotted on a dinner date with the Televisa network executive. Sources say that while a vulnerable Jen will go on a date with "just about anyone" at this point, her reason for picking Jose is extremely personal. Since photos surfaced of Eva, 39, sitting on the lap of Jen's then husband, Marc Anthony, in 2008, the two women have been involved in a bitter rivalry.

"Jen knows exactly what she's doing," reveals the source. "She wants to get under Eva's skin." And it seems to be working! The Desperate Housewives actress and Jose, 44, were spotted making their way through Heathrow airport on July 16 looking glum. (Print Edition)
If you had Jennifer Lopez and Eva Longoria fighting over you 15 years ago, you'd be consider the luckiest dude on the planet. Today, this guy probably feels like he's auditioning to be an extra on The Golden Girls. But don't get me wrong -- I wouldn't say "no" to either one of these chicks if I had a tube of Astroglide and a bottle of menopause pills on me. As the great philosopher Confucius once said: "The only time you want couple of cougars fighting over your meat is when you zookeeper".

*10 Jennifer Lopez pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 1
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 2
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 3
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 4
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 5
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 6
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 7
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 8
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 9
  • Jennifer Lopez Poaching Men 10

Jessica Hart at the 2014 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at the Lexington Avenue Armory in New York (11/13)

Australian model Jessica Hart says Taylor Swift didn't belong at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show last week. Wait, why is she picking a fight with Taylor Swift? That's it . . . SEXY PUDDING WRESTLING FIGHT! From WWD:
Jessica Hart had just arrived from walking the show. "It's just 100 percent fun. Yes, there's a little bit of nerves but that just pumps your adrenaline," she said.

She was asked about Swift. Could she pull it off as a Victoria's Secret model? "No."

Hart was making time until she shimmied to the dance floor. "I think, you know what, god bless her heart. I think she's great," she said. "But, I don't know, to me, she didn't fit. I don't know if I should say that. I think what you find is that for a lot of us, we've been working for 14, 15 years; what it takes to make it here comes from experience and confidence and knowing how to be confident with yourself. I think it comes with age. It's definitely the benchmark of all jobs."
OK, just so I'm clear on what Jessica Hart is saying -- walking 50 feet in underwear, turning around, and walking 50 feet back is hard work? Got it. Look, maybe I'd agree with Jessica if she was talking about just about anyone else, but her beef is with Taylor "God's Favorite Hick" Swift. Don't let the numerous Billboard, Grammy, and Country Music awards she's won blind any of you amateurs to the fact that Taylor is hot enough to be a model (the DNA evidence all over my monitor will testify to that). This critique would also hold more water had it come from one of the Brazilian supermodels and not from a model with a gap in her teeth big enough to park a car in between. Jessica should probably start backtracking, because unlike Taylor, she doesn't have any other talent to fall back on.

*20 Jessica Hart pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 1
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 2
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 3
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 4
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 5
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 6
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 7
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 8
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 9
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 10
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 11
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 12
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 13
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 14
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 15
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 16
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 17
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 18
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 19
  • Jessica Hart Lingerie Runway 20

Tara Reid drunk at Coachella last month

You know you've hit rock bottom in life when Tara Reid of all people is taking shits on you. From TMZ:
Tara Reid is no fan of Lindsay Lohan ... and Lindsay Lohan ain't too fond of Tara either ... so says the "American Pie" star. Tara hosted "TMZ on TV" yesterday ... and told us she and LiLo have some serious issues, despite the fact they run in the same social circles.

"We don't really like each other that much," Reid said ... "If I get drunk, I'm a happy drunk. When she gets drunk, she's just mean."
Yes! I finally get to put my promoter's license to use in America (no more Tijuana donkey shows for this fella). There comes a time where has-beens cross paths and differences need settling -- in blood and leaked silicone. I've already rented out a bingo hall in Bethlehem, PA and billed it as "Valtrexmania," see your local ex dealer for tickets. The Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan feud has been brewing since 1997 -- which coincidentally was "Year of the Burning Vaginal Discharge" on the zodiac calendar. I know it'll be a great fight, my only concern is how to call a stoppage in case of injury considering the amount of botox injected into their mugs. Ah, who am I kidding -- between the booze and the illegal Rx, these two idiots are pretty much pickled.

*5 Tara Reid pictures total in the gallery:

  • Tara Reid hates Lindsay Lohan 1
  • Tara Reid hates Lindsay Lohan 2
  • Tara Reid hates Lindsay Lohan 3
  • Tara Reid hates Lindsay Lohan 4
  • Tara Reid hates Lindsay Lohan 5

Carrie Underwood at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards at the Staples Center in L.A. (2/10)

Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift are still fighting in that bitchy way that girls do, and avoided each other at Sunday's Grammys like Lindsay Lohan avoids employment. I know it's not exactly Biggie vs. Tupac, but I could easily see one of these chicks getting shot. From Us Weekly:
Taylor Swift never, ever wants to hang out with Carrie Underwood. A source tells Us Weekly that the country stars [avoided] each other at Sunday's 2013 Grammy Awards. According to the insider, Grammy execs were ordered to keep Swift, 23, and Underwood, 29, "from crossing paths" at the Feb. 10 show "since they hate each other!"

Says a Swift pal, "Taylor feels Carrie is always rude to her, so she steers clear of her."
Now we officially know that the empty suits at CBS are eunuchs. Seriously, if I was running the Grammys and I knew Taylor and Carrie hated each other this intensely, I'd cancel the awards part entirely and have those two fight in a kiddie pool full of hot oil, gummy bears, and sex toys on PPV. I don't know if it would break any buy rate records, but I'm sure there would be a hairy palms and blindness epidemic occurring in males, ages 12-80, and female college basketball coaches.

*22 Carrie Underwod pictures total in the gallery:

  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 1
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 2
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 3
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 4
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 5
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 6
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  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 17
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 18
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 19
  • Taylor Swift Carrie Underwood Fued 20

Gwyneth Paltrow arriving at 34 restaurant in London (3/19)

If this fight somehow results in Gwyneth Paltrow getting knocked out by Kate Moss' cell phone within the next six months, I'll be the happiest man in the whole wide world. From The Sun:
[Gwyneth Paltrow] put Kate [Moss] in her place in spectacular fashion at Sir Philip Green's 60th birthday party in Mexico during a bit of verbal sparring on the beach. And the put-down was straight out of a comedian's top drawer. A source said:

"Gwyneth had gone for a jog on the beach before the big birthday bash. Kate was out for a walk, eating crisps, when Gwyneth ran past. Kate said, 'Oi, what you out jogging for?' Gwyneth fired back, 'So I don't look like you when I get old'. Kate was speechless for a second then spat back and threw some crisps at her. She said, 'Why don't you eat some fucking carbs!' The spat was the talk of the dinner. Everyone was having a giggle about it.
Paltrow vs. Moss? This might have had a chance of stirring feelings in my dead soul about 20 years ago, but in 2012 this chick fight is about as relevant as following Calista Flockhart on MySpace by way of Blackberry. I'll break things down anyway since my lunch isn't here yet: In one corner we have an aging model who looks like she spent far too much time skiing the slopes of Mt. Cocaine; and in the other corner we have the most over-hyped actress of our generation who coincidentally also happens to be an insufferable cunt. I don't know about you, but Gwyneth isn't looking much better than Kate. So who do you root for? Why would you watch the fight? And most importantly, where the hell is my lettuce wrap?

*25 Gwyneth Paltrow pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 1
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 2
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 3
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 4
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 5
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 6
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 7
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 8
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  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 14
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 15
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 16
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 17
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 18
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 19
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 20
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 21
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 22
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 23
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 24
  • Kate Moss Gwyneth Paltrow Fight 25

Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed are fighting

Former BFFs, Twilight stars Kristen Stewart and Nikki Reed, have totally turned into frenemies. Holy shit, did I really just say that? I need to go punch something. I've turned into a total pussy since my local fight club disbanded last year. From Star:
"[Nikki and Kristen] can't stand each other," an insider tells Star. "They don't even talk anymore. Kristen has never forgiven Nikkie for the fling she had with [her boyfriend Robert Pattinson]. Kristen never confronted Rob about the affair, she just put the blame on Nikki and accused her of pursuing him."

The insider also reveals that Nikki has another problem with Kristen -- her hypocritical attitude toward stardom: "Nikki's the most down-to-earth actress you'll ever meet," says the source. "Kristen acts like she can't be bothered with fame, yet she lives for all the press about her and Rob. Nikki is very vocal about Kris not being appreciative of her success. Nikki is not one to censor herself to avoid confrontation, and Kristen does not like that." (Print Edition - 12/12)
Oh my God, enough! This sounds like the first two hours of each of the Twilight movies -- the only one missing is the sleepy-eyed chupacabra on steroids. I don't care what Kristen and Nikki's problems are with each other, I just want them to go away and stop ruining monster movies for me. Movies like Interview with a Vampire = handjob, while Twilight = Interview with Child Protective Services. I don't want to date myself, but in my day, vampires would burst into flames when exposed to sunlight, not look like they got covered in K-Y Jelly.

*11 Nikki Reed and Kristen Stewart pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 1
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 2
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 3
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 4
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 5
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 6
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 7
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 8
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 9
  • Kristen Stewart Nikki Reed 10


A few months ago, during a segment for E!'s Fashion Police, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a "fat bitch." Well it looks like the two haven't buried the hatchet . . . or fork . .. or butter knife . . . or gravy boat. From Us Weekly:
On E!'s Fashion Police [last] Friday, the 26-year-old slammed Christina Aguilera for her weight. "She called me fat for years," Osbourne said. "I was never that fat."

Osbourne was criticizing Aguilera's performance look at last weekend's Michael Jackson Tribute Concert. The 30-year-old paired a pantsless ensemble with fishnet tights, heavy makeup and supersized hair.
"Fat" is about the nicest thing you could say about Christina at the Michael Jackson Tribute (above). I've seen smaller chicks on The Biggest Loser. And I mean the premiere episode, not the season finale.
[Co-host George] Kotsiopoulos pointed out Aguilera was "still probably a size 2/4," but Osbourne was quick to disagree.

"Trust me," [Osbourne] said. "I'm a 2/4. That is not a 2/4."
When talking about Christina, Kelly thinks she was "never that fat"? It sounds like Ms. Osbourne has become a bigger revisionist historian than Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Newsflash Kelly: You weren't as fat as Christina is now, you were fatter. So get off your high horse . . . no really, get off your horse -- CHRISTINA'S TRYING TO EAT IT! AHHHH!!! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

*10 Christina Aguilera pictures total in the gallery:

  • Aguilera Fat Fight 1
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 2
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 3
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 4
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 5
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 6
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 7
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 8
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 9
  • Aguilera Fat Fight 10

Christina Aguilera leaving a recording studio in Burbank (6/23)

Wait a minute, let's not jump to conclusions here. Maybe Kelly didn't mean this in a negative way. For example, I call my wife a fat bitch all the time, but it's because I love her so much. "Why isn't dinner ready, you fat bitch!" From the Daily Mail:
Kelly Osbourne certainly shy in revealing how she feels about her nemesis Christina Aguilera. While shooting a segment for E!'s Fashion Police segment, the reality star criticised her rival's fuller figure by calling her a "fat bitch."

Commenting on a photo of the singer wearing a tight black dress, the 26-year-old sniped: "Maybe she's just becoming the fat bitch she was always born to be. I don't know. She was a cunt to me ... She called me fat for so many fucking years, so you know what? Fuck you, you're fat too!"
Well, if it isn't the pot calling the kettle black. Or in this case, the cow calling the hippo fat. Kelly might think her shit doesn't stink now that she's recently lost a few pounds, but racist stereotypes have taught me that her weight is probably just like a Palestinian teenager -- ready to blow up at any second. Frankly, Kelly's kind of amazing. Even when she's not eating that much these days, apparently she still can't seem to keep her mouth shut.

*31 Christina Aguilera pictures total in the gallery:

  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 1
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 2
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 3
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 4
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 5
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 6
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 7
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 8
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 9
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 10
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 11
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 12
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 13
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 14
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 15
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 16
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 17
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 18
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 19
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 20
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 21
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 22
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 23
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 24
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 25
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 26
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 27
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 28
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 29
  • Christina Aguilera Fat Bitch 30

Jenna Jameson and Chelsea Handler are fighting 

The irony, it is so thick. From the New York Daily News:
"Chelsea handler makes fun of peoples kids... " Jameson tweeted. "Probably because she's a dried up old whore."

Though the vulgar insult appeared unprovoked, it may be retaliation for comments Handler made in a December interview with Katie Couric for Glamour magazine. When Couric asked the late-night host whether she ever has "second thoughts about being raunchy," Handler took issue with the adjective.

"I say things that a lot of people wouldn't say, and some of it probably isn't in the best taste," she said. "But when I hear the word raunchy, to me that describes Jenna Jameson."
LOL! Jenna Jameson calling someone a whore is like Mel Gibson calling someone a racist. If Jenna's going to start lashing out at people that have disrespected her, she better start with every single co-star she's ever had. Because frankly, after a 20 year career in porn, there's only one place that's ever had more icing on it than her face: a hockey rink.

*15 Jenna Jameson pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 1
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 2
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 3
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 4
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 5
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 6
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 7
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 8
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 9
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 10
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 11
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 12
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 13
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 14
  • Jenna Jameson Chelsea Handler Whore 15

Betty White arriving to the 12th Annual "Mark Twain Award for American Humor" at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC (11/9)

This is definitely one of the sexiest chick fights of 1955. From the New York Post:
Betty White has finally fired back to a months-old dig from 84-year-old "Malcolm in the Middle" actress Cloris Leachman. In an interview with reporters at the Television Critics Association tour in August for Leachman's new Fox show, "Raising Hope," Leachman had said, "I'm so sick of Betty White. Never liked her." Yesterday, asked to comment on the remark in a Wall Street Journal online profile of Leachman by Amy Chozick, White, 88, snapped back: "Is she still conscious?"
We have to sign Betty and Cloris up for one of those celebrity boxing matches. Aw man, I'm getting all hot and bothered just thinking about these two going at it. Instead of smelling salts, the ringside doctor would use BENGAY®. Of course there'd have to be a strict rule against hitting below the belt -- because that's where their tits are. On the positive side, neither woman would need mouth guards -- they could both just take out their teeth.

*5 Betty White pictures total in the gallery:

  • Betty White Chick Fight 1
  • Betty White Chick Fight 2
  • Betty White Chick Fight 3
  • Betty White Chick Fight 4
  • Betty White Chick Fight 5

Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: