Charlie Sheen

CBS cancels Two and Half Men

Looks like CBS has had enough of Charlie Sheen's shit. After his epic interview on The Alex Jones Show today (see here), CBS canceled the rest of Season 8 of Two and a Half Men (and isn't paying Charlie's $1.2 million/episode salary). Oh great, now how am I supposed to entertain myself Monday nights at 9 PM ET, 8 PM CT? Charlie is handling the cancellation in a predictable, composed manner. He sent this open letter to TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...

Charlie Sheen

I'm absolutely shocked right now -- no, stunned -- at what was said in this letter . . .  I mean, I . . . I just don't what to say. I'm speechless . . . There's really been 177 episodes of Two and a Half Men?

Charlie Sheen lost all of his teeth 

While it certainly seems like Charlie Sheen has a fun life -- he gets to hit women and do coke and bang porn stars -- his teeth wouldn't agree. Or should I say "the teeth he used to have." From The Sun:

Drug-ravaged Charlie Sheen has lost all of his teeth, a porn-star playmate claimed yesterday. The actor is said to be replacing his gnashers with gold implants after years of cocaine use rotted them. One of five blue movie actresses revealed Sheen's dental woes after their 36-hour drink and drug bash landed him in hospital on Friday.

Kacey Jordan, 22, who had "quick sex" with the 45-year-old, said he had already had his real teeth replaced with porcelain but they were now dropping out. She said: "They've fallen out from partying. He kept saying 'fucking porcelain teeth - they're crap'. He said he had to get gold teeth. We all know it's the drug use."

Usually you can't trust a disease-riddled pornstar who moonlights as a prostitute -- I can't tell you how many wallets I've lost over the years -- but in this case, the evidence is pretty overwhelming. Have you ever taken a close look at Charlie Sheen and NOT thought that he'd lost all of his teeth? When Two and a Half Men first aired, I could have sworn he was wearing dentures -- which might explain his obsession with prostitutes: neither one needs their teeth to make money.

*12 Charlie Sheen pictures total in the gallery:

Charlie Sheen checks into rehab

You knew this was coming after yesterday's escapades but Charlie Sheen checked into an undisclosed rehab facility in L.A. earlier today. According to my calculations, he should be propositioning one of the nurses for a blowjob right about . . . now.

Kacey Jordan tweets pic of Charlie Sheen's house

I know this may shock and surprise you, but it turns out that it may not have been a peanut allergy that sent Charlie Sheen to the hospital earlier this morning. It was booze. And lots of it. With porn stars. And one of them -- Kacey Jordan -- was nice enough to tweet a pic from Charlie's house. A heart of gold, that one. PCN says:

A porn star posted this photo of the inside of Charlie Sheen's home hours before he was hospitalized -- revealing they had been on a booze marathon. Kacey Jordan, 22, used Twitter to post an image of her crotch and racy bikini and Sheen's coffee table at his home in Los Angeles. She revealed she had been boozing all day with the actor at his mansion writing: "It's officially 24 hours of drinking! Hehe."

Jordan posted the picture at around 8pm on Wednesday night and at 6.35am the next day a 911 call was from the home and Sheen rushed to hospital. The picture shows Jordan sitting in front of a coffee table which is covered in Coca-Cola, water, mouthwash, Lysol wipes, Marlboro lights cigarettes, keys, rings and various lotions and oils.

Wow, it reminds me a lot of my grandparents' house. No, I mean the outdated decor. What, you thought I meant the lotions and oils? Dude, I may be a pervert, but I'm not making nasty sex jokes about my grandparents. Not again.

NOTE: To see the uncensored Kacey Jordan picture, click the picture above and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*5 Kacey Jordan pictures total in the gallery:

Charlie Sheen rushed to hospital

Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital this morning after an all-night bender at his house. Aw shucks, couldn't happened to a nicer guy bigger asshole. From TMZ:

We're told Charlie was taken out of his home on a stretcher and loaded into an ambulance at 7 AM. Two young women exited the house at the same time Charlie was taken out with a towel partially over his face.

Neighbors tell TMZ Charlie threw some sort of party last night. They heard women inside Charlie's house singing Red Hot Chili Peppers songs throughout the evening. The party went on -- loudly -- well into the wee hours.

Poor guy, we can only speculate -- *coughcocainecough* -- as to why Charlie was rushed to the hospital after staying up the whole night -- *coughcocainecough*. Hmmmm, I bet it was because of his peanut allergy. In fact, I bet the two women seen leaving his house were nurses.* Ohhh, I just hope he's OK.

*or at least in nurse costumes

UPDATE: TMZ is now saying Charlie had a "suitcase" full of cocaine delivered to house before he ended up in the hospital so I guess I was wrong about the whole peanut allergy thing. My bad.

*10 Charlie Sheen pictures total in the gallery:

Nice shirt

Yeah, good luck with this. From the New York Post:

Charlie Sheen's porn pal Bree Olson strangely thinks she has a shot at romance with the dysfunctional "Two and a Half Men" star. The bouncy blonde, who spent last weekend with Sheen and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee in Vegas, is telling friends Sheen is very interested in her. "She's definitely seen him many times, but she thinks there is more," a source said. "She doesn't understand why he doesn't get serious with his girls." But it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven. Last week, she was trying to shop a tell-all about him.

Bree's right -- Charlie's interested in her because she's just his type of girl: one that charges by the hour. Bree needs to pull her fist head out of her ass and realize that the only way Charlie's going stay with her for the long term is if she gives him a monthly discount. Of course, if Bree is indeed shopping around a tell-all, that violates the very reason Charlie pays women to have sex with him: so that when he's finished, they'll leave keep their whore mouths shut.

*5 Bree Olson pictures total in the gallery:

Capri Anderson being interviewed on Good Morning America

I mentioned earlier today that Charlie Sheen offered Capri Anderson $20k to keep her mouth shut about "the incident" in New York last month. I don't know how the hell they got these (yes I do: $$$$$$$$), but TMZ has the text messages the two were sending each other about the proposed payoff (Capri never actually received the money):

Capri Anderson: u trashed my brand new prada purse dude not cool - how u managed to rip the strap off and put 2 holes in it is beyond me.

Charlie Sheen: All I need is an Acct number etc and I will wire u 20k if u think that will cover everything ... I really feel bad, u are as cool and sexy and as sweet and fun and friendly as they get!

Charlie: Don't worry about our mutual friends, deal with me directly and I promise u kind lady, all will be restored and set straight.

Charlie: Just landed, perhaps we can speak tonite....?

Capri: Yes u can call me. I don't have a bank account believe it or not.

Charlie: Oh, well in that case, lemme put together a plan to get u square and flush.  Can u tok for a sec now sweetie?

Charlie: Good news!  My asst Rick is good friends with a cat named Mark (last name redacted) in NY, he will get the wire, cash that bitch, and deliver it to u where ever it's convenient ... I'll get the ball Rollin in am, and have data for u asap after that...☺

Capri: Can he leave it somewhere secure for me to pick up?  Like with a bank rep ... I'm rlly nervous about all this.

Charlie: Of course, whatever makes u feel better...

Charlie: Lemme start that ball Rollin and I'll get back to u with the details...

Wow, Charlie is quite the smooth negotiator. You can tell he's done this before. My negotiations with hookers usually end with me crying and pointing to the money on the nightstand. "Please give me another chance Lexxxie! I was just nervous!"

*6 Capri Anderson pictures total in the gallery:

I have that same jacket

I know you may not believe this, but Charlie Sheen actually wanted to avoid taking responsibility for his actions in a New York hotel room last month. In an interview with Good Morning America, Capri Anderson -- the hooker he terrorized -- said Sheen offered her $20,000 to keep quiet. I know, right? Are we sure we're talking about the right Charlie Sheen here? His heart always seemed so pure and innocent. From the L.A. Times

Anderson told ABC's "Good Morning America" that she would file a criminal complaint against Sheen, who she says threw things at her and tried to choke her. "I never expected the night would unfold the way it did," Anderson said, with probably more than a little understatement. "He seemed like a very egotistical person." She says she spurned a $20,000 offer to keep quiet.

Not content to let some no-good mouthy whore push him around, Charlie is firing back:

Charlie Sheen has just filed a lawsuit against Capri Anderson, aka, Christina Walsh, claiming she tried to extort him to the tune of $1 million.

According to the lawsuit, filed today in L.A. County Superior Court, in the wake of The Plaza Hotel incident, Capri demanded "at least One Million Dollars" and if she didn't get the money she allegedly threatened to go to prosecutors in Aspen to get Charlie's probation violated.

The suit claims Capri also threatened "to embarrass him and attempt to damage his career by going to the media with her false tale."

Maybe this hooker/pornstar isn't as air-headed as she looked . . . in her coming of age drama Fill My Orifice. It takes some serious financial acumen to realize that $20k in hush money is nothing compared to the millions in extortion money she could make in the next few years. I mean, if she wanted to, she could really suck Charlie dry -- pun definitely intended. In all seriousness, if this Capri chick isn't too busy blowin' dudes on camera for money next spring, I just might see if she could do my taxes . . .

*5 Capri Anderson pictures total in the gallery:

Charlie Sheen is an ass

Charlie Sheen is really broken up about that hooker incident in New York two weeks ago, and is looking to make amends in any way possible to salvage his reputation (charity work, etc.). Nah, I'm totally kidding. That ass couldn't care less. From People:

Jaws may have dropped over Charlie Sheen's New York hotel adventure, but the Two and a Half Men actor isn't stressing. "If a guy has one bad night, everybody goes insane and panics," Sheen, 45, tells Extra. "I'm not panicking."

Does this guy just ooze sleeze cool or what? He destroys a luxury hotel room, threatens a prostitute, has his face plastered on every newspaper in the world, and his response is basically a shrug of the shoulders. I can definitely relate with Charlie's cavalier attitude. Last week my girlfriend got a parking ticket and I barely flipped the hell out on that stupid bitch.

*11 Charlie Sheen pictures total in the gallery:

Capri Anderson

Ouch. This is not the way you want to reconnect with your daughter. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Very surprised about [porn star Capri] Anderson's involvement in the [Charlie] Sheen scandal was her father, Paul Walsh, a doorman at a posh Park Avenue apartment building. He told the New York Daily News he hadn't seen his daughter "in eons," was unaware of her adult film career and thought she was living in California.

If you've ever wondered how a chick could sink low enough to do porn, this story pretty much sums it up. Step 1: Lose contact with your family for "eons." Step 2: Make sure your father works as a doorman. Of course, some skanks end up making graphic porn even though their father actually pays the doorman's salary. See: Hilton, Paris. 

*20 Capri Anderson pictures total in the gallery: