Celine Dion

Celine Dion struggling to stay relevant

You better believe that if I'm writing about a Celine Dion concert it's because she either a) got drunk and cussed out the crowd or b) flashed her vagina. In this case, it's the latter. From E!:

[Celine Dion] gave fans a little more than they bargained for when she took the stage in a short dress…and accidentally flashed them during her performance at the Jamaica Jazz and Blues Festival in Jamaica Friday night, E! News has learned exclusively.

"The short gold dress was Balmain....was that short enough?" Dion said with a laugh when "The Trend," a fashion series on Zappos Couture, asked Celine about her fashion choices. "Because normally when people are level the length is fine. But people were like this (looks up).... So it was like I didn't think of the people downstairs and me there."

Not selling out those arenas like you used to, Celine? No one is gonna tell me that a woman who's been on stage for almost 40 years doesn't know how to hide the cock pocket. Nope, this is just a sad attempt at boosting ticket sales. It will work for the short term, but what about the long term, Celine? Today it's an "oopsie" -- tomorrow you're on stage like a Thai whore shooting ping pong bills from your cervix into the cheap seats. It's a slippery slope.

*10 Celine Dion pictures total in the gallery:

Celine Dion at a press conference at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas (3/15)

MY CAPTION: "Pa told me not to stick my hand in the grain mill, but I didn't listen."

YOUR CAPTION: Leave it in the comments . . .

How the other half lives

Celine Dion hasn't even moved into her new $20 million mansion/waterpark on Jupiter Island in Florida and already her neighbors hate her. And not because of that stupid song from Titanic. From the National Enquirer:

Neighbors rage that Celine Dion's a big drip and hurting the environment because six deep wells she dug at her $20 million dream home on ritzy Jupiter Island, Fla., are sucking up scarce, precious fresh water -- just so she and son Rene-Charles can splash around in two Olympic-size pools, a twisty slide and a lazy river. Fumed one neighbor: "I don't know how she got permits. The government is usually pretty restrictive with stuff like that!" (Print Edition - 5/31)

Clearly this neighbor is just jealous that Celine's lazy river is longer than hers. Or maybe she's just mad that she had to reroute her equestrian trail because of Celine's new half-mile-long driveway. Either way, I know how these two could settle their dispute . . . MONEY FIGHT!!!

God dammit I hate the rich.

*14 pics total in the gallery:

Celine Dion has too much money

So Celine Dion is building a freaking waterpark in the backyard of her new $20 million waterfront mansion on Jupiter Island in Florida (that's the guest house above). You read that correctly. A waterpark. It has a lazy river, a huge pool, and multiple waterslides. Wow, this totally brings back memories of the waterpark I had in my backyard when I was growing up. It was a garden hose with holes punched in it. Screw you Celine Dion's kids.

*14 pics total in the gallery:

Celine Dion and Rene Angelil at the Élysée Palace in Paris (5/2008)

Celine Dion and her 67-year-old (!) husband Rene Angelil are having another kid. Oh joy. From Fox News:

Murielle Blondeau, a spokeswoman with the Bureau de Francine Chaloult, said Tuesday Dion and her husband, Rene Angelil, found out about the pregnancy Monday after she underwent fertility treatments in New York. Blondeau says the baby is due next May.

She says Celine and Rene are full of joy and that it's been a dream for Celine to have a second child. Dion's first child, Rene-Charles, started private school this week in Florida.

Fertility treatments? Weird, where I'm from, we call him the "pool boy." I mean, right? That is how Celine got knocked up? Crap, Rene is 26-years-older than her. His sperm would need GPS to find her eggs. To put it into perspective how old he is, I put together a little list (thanks Wikipedia!):

"Things Celine Dion's Husband is Older Than"

• Microwave ovens
• Nuclear weapons
• Bikinis
• The transistor
  
• Polaroid cameras
• Credit cards
• Digital clocks
• Electric calculators
• ATM machines
  

Celine Dion has a stalker

Why in the hell would you stalk Celine Dion? What, Belinda Carlisle was unavailable? From CTV Montreal:

Laval [Montreal] police have arrested a man suspected of stalking Céline Dion. The 41-year-old was arrested outside the gates of Dion's home on Île Gagnon in Laval, Quebec, at about 10 a.m. Friday morning. The man buzzed the intercom and demanded to see Dion, or her husband, René Angélil. When he refused to leave, security called police. By the time police arrived, the man had left the property. But officers arrested him a short time later, when he returned to the gates. The suspect, who has been sent to hospital for a psychiatric evaluation, will appear in court Monday to face charges of harassment. (Source)

There are only three reasons why a person would actually stalk Celine Dion: 1. You're interested in learning her secrets to marrying older fat men, 2. You have an unhealthy obsession with Lord of the Rings and you mistook her for Gollum, or 3. That stupid "My Heart Will Go On" song keeps you up every night and you haven't been able to get it out of your head since 1997 and just when you think it's finally gone you hear it on an elevator or in the waiting room at your dentist's office Celine Dion must die Celine Dion must die Celine Dion must die -- *clears throat* Sooooo, how about those Lakers?