Celebslam Presents


Wardrobe Malfunctions, a gallery

This is the first time in the history of Celebslam that I've done a Wardrobe Malfunctions gallery where Paris Hilton wasn't the headline pic. I wish I could say I was joking, but I'm not. It was an incredible streak while it lasted. Paris was basically the Cal Ripken Jr. of whores. She should truly be proud. Or, you know, not.

NOTE: To see the uncensored wardrobe malfunction pictures, click the picture above or any thumbnail with a yellow star on it and then click the "Full Size" button located at the top or bottom of the image.

*30 wardrobe malfunctions pictures total in the gallery:

  • Claire Danes
  • Amy Smart
  • Mischa Barton
  • Phoebe Price
  • Nadine Coyle
  • Bai Ling
  • Kate Bosworth
  • Katie Price
  • Paulina Rubio
  • Denise Richards
  • Devon Aoki
  • Goldie Hawn
  • Gwen Stefani
  • Ashlee Simpson
  • Holly Madison
  • Janice Dickinson
  • Kate Moss
  • Kesha
  • Kim Catrall
  • Lily Allen
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Mila Jovovich
  • Molly Sims
  • Natalie Portman
  • Paris Hilton
  • Rachel Bilson
  • Rebecca Gayheart
  • Rhona Mitra
  • Venus Williams
  • Victoria Silvstedt
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Rose Byrne

When the calendar flips over to a new year, there's always a lot of looking back, particularly in the entertainment community. And for those of us who can't get enough of Hollywood's beautiful actresses, a lot of it centers on things like "Sexiest Roles of 2013," or "Best Sex Scenes of 2013," etc. To be fair, this can be a great deal of fun to look back on, and the past year saw a lot of pretty spectacular sex scenes.

Fans were introduced to stunning newcomer Margot Robbie with multiple steamy scenes in The Wolf Of Wall Street, and Lindsay Lohan starred alongside an actual porn star in The Canyons. That's right: whereas some of Lohan's best work can be found with respectable reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, recent co-star James Deen's best films can be found on PornHub. And actually, if you check reviews on this work, a lot of it is considered pretty great! But the point is, recapping sex scenes is fun, but it's been done to death. Furthermore, we're tired of seeing vague descriptions of actresses as "The Sexiest in Hollywood," etc. with no actual qualification. So we thought, instead of looking back at the past year, or using vague descriptions of celebrities . . . why not just rank them ourselves? Based on recent past appearances and general beauty, here are our Top 10 Sexiest Actresses to Watch For in 2014:

10. Rose Byrne (pic above)

Rose Byrne kind of flies under the radar, but manages to sex up just about any role, from pathetic victim way back in Troy to total bitch in Bridesmaids and wholly ridiculous pop star Jackie Q in Get Him To The Greek (she *almost* made up for having to lay my eyes upon Jonah Hill).

9. Olivia Wilde

First off, if you saw Olivia Wilde at the Golden Globes, you might have laid eyes on the most stunning pregnant actress in recent memory. This isn't to imply pregnant women aren't beautiful by any means; it's just that Wilde was downright sexy. She also, still, has the best eyes in Hollywood. And she can tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue.

8. Gemma Arterton

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Arterton's problem is that she keeps doing really shitty movies. As soon as she finally lands a good role, or at least a small role in a good film, she'll probably explode in popularity. The woman is flat-out jaw-dropping gorgeous. She doesn't just elicit erections, she elicits painful erections.

CHECK OUT THE REST OF THE LIST ON PAGE 2...

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In A Streetcar Named Desire, Mitch is convinced that poker and women do not mix. "Poker shouldn't be played in a house with women."

We beg to differ.

With the boom in poker in recent years, more women have joined the ranks of poker professionals. Strong-willed and beautiful, the poker ladies in this article are the sexiest players out there.


Liv Boeree

Olivia 'Liv' Boeree is a smoking hot (see above) 29-year-old poker player who looks as good as she plays.

Smart and sensuous, Liv has amassed plenty of achievements under her belt during her poker career, culminating with a victory at the 2010 European Poker Tour in San Remo, Italy. The British poker player, model and TV presenter was born in Kent and holds a degree in Astrophysics at the University of Manchester, making her brainy, as well as lovely!

But Liv's plans for her future took quite a turn when she moved to London and was introduced to the world of poker in 2005. No stranger in front of cameras, Boeree took part in several poker-themed reality TV shows where she was coached by the top poker masters including poker legend Annie Duke.

Liv is a tough gal when she's around cards; her talent quickly took her from London to Las Vegas as live reporter and then host of some of the world's biggest poker tournaments. It didn't take too long before she too stepped up to take a seat at the tables and started winning serious money. Liv has earned over $2 million in poker winnings during her 9-year-long career.


Kara Scott

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Kara Scott is one hottie you'd never want to make mad.

When she's not busy wiping the floor with her competition at the poker tables, she's showing off her moves at the dojo. Kara has trained in Muay Thai and even produces a martial arts TV show which she presents as well.

'Great Scott' as she's known in poker circles started off her career as a journalist working in the UK until 2009 before discovering her talent as a poker player.  The 36-year-old has participated in numerous tournaments, and her most recent achievement was finishing second at the Irish Open, winning a pot worth $390,000.

Kara is also a source of inspiration for other female players. When challenged by her critics, she replied that she's learned to live with people who doubt her abilities and is determined to put her efforts where they really counts: at the poker tables.

Her total live poker winnings so far add up to over half a million dollars; not too bad for someone who started playing seriously barely five years ago.

CHECK OUT THE REST OF THE TOP 5 ON PAGE 2...



Closing up shop early for the new year. Celebslam will be back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow, unless I'm hungover. So Thursday. We'll be back Thursday. Until then, enjoy this mega gallery of every single famous chick that wore a bikini this year. Like Rachel Bilson. For looking so damn good in a bikini, you think she'd be a better kisser . . .

*264 bikini pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rachel Bilson
  • January 2013\: Alena Seredova
  • January 2013\: Victoria Silvstedt
  • January 2013\: Claudia Romani
  • January 2013\: Edita Vilkeviciute
  • January 2013\: Emma Rigby
  • January 2013\: Gracie Carvalho
  • January 2013\: Jennifer Nicole Lee
  • January 2013\: Aida Yespica
  • January 2013\: Jennifer Aniston and Emily Blunt
  • January 2013\: Frankie Essex
  • January 2013\: Sophie Turner
  • January 2013\: Alessia Marcuzzi
  • January 2013\: Candice Swanepoel
  • January 2013\: Alessandra Ambrosio
  • January 2013\: Victoria Silvstedt
  • January 2013\: Milla Jovovich
  • January 2013\: Joanna Krupa
  • January 2013\: Julianne Hough
  • January 2013\: Magdalena Frackowiak
  • January 2013\: Mezhgan Hussainy
  • January 2013\: Victoria Silvstedt
  • January 2013\: Jessica Alba
  • January 2013\: Behati Prinsloo
  • January 2013\: Jennifer Lopez
  • January 2013\: Emma Rigby
  • January 2013\: Alessandra Ambrosio
  • January 2013\: Hilaria Baldwin
  • January 2013\: Pink
  • February 2013\: Erin Heatherton
  • February 2013\: Katherine Webb
  • February 2013\: Kelly Brook
  • February 2013\: Candice Swanepoel
  • February 2013\: Nina Agdal
  • February 2013\: Kate Hudson


Good morning, fans. Are you ready for the last list of the year? I know I am, and here it is: The Train Wrecks of 2013. It's just a little list of the people whose misery brought a little joy into our mundane lives this year. Enjoy and Happy New Year.

NOTE: Each picture in this gallery has commentary below it, so make sure you click through.

*15 pictures total in the gallery:

  • The Train Wrecks of 2013
  • Lindsay Lohan\: Can you believe that Lindsay isn\'t closing this list\? Well\, the reason is that although Lindsay had a bad year\, I don\'t think we\'re close to being done with her. I think that Lindsay has a Wolverine\'s liver \(by that I mean the shit eating weasel\, not the mutant from the shitty X-Men franchise\).  Lindsay\'s meltdown won\'t be complete until she\'s in prison or in a pine box . . . although considering her financial situation\, that pine box will probably just be a series of Johnnie Walker crates that have been stapled together. Red label\, not blue\, of course.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow\: Gwyneth has a special place in my cold\, dark heart. She made it perfectly acceptable for the mainstream media and clergy worldwide to use the world \
  • Bravo\: Hey\, remember when Bravo TV was supposed to be a channel dedicated to the fine arts\, but then they invented the Real Housewives genre\? I don\'t know what happened\, but they\'re about two\, maybe three seasons away from having a live decapitation on that channel. Great job\, guys\, let\'s keep your downfall going as long as possible.
  • Lil Wayne\: I know what you\'re thinking and\, no\, Lil Wayne still lives\, unfortunately. 2013 would have been remembered as the Year of the Purple Drank\, but then North America remembered to not give a shit about Lil Wayne. I\'m sorry\, but meltdowns are for celebrities and Japanese nuclear reactors . . . right\, Shannen \
  • Katherine McPhee\: Now this is a meltdown\, buddies. Katherine McPhee went from being a very likeable C-list celeb to being a dirty\, dirty home wrecker. Kat had her goody-two-shoes-image pounded out of her by her married director of a boss\, which got her TV show cancelled and forced her into hiding. It\'s too bad because dirty whore stories are the best kind of stories\, in my educated opinion.
  • Alec Baldwin\: Alec Baldwin has been in a steady decline for years. Think about it\, Alec was knocking on the A-list door for a couple of years before his shitty attitude and expanding waistline forced him into the world of overrated sitcoms. Now look at him. 2013 will be the year that we all can look back on and say that it was Alec\'s swan song. If MSNBC can fire you for being a tool\, then there really is no hope for you - although I must admit that his brand of narcissism is a perfect fit at ESPN\, and probably New York State politics.
  • Farrah Abraham\: Remember her\? She was the hardest working gal on MTV\'s Teen Mom - assuming that we all understand that by \
  • Justin Bieber\: I\'ll put Justin\'s meltdown as my personal favorite. The little douche just couldn\'t help but to crap where he eats. From pretending to bang prostitutes to having his goons grope his \
  • Chris Brown\: What a year for Chris\, huh\? He\'s clearly turned up the crazy on what\'s left of his career. Sure\, he\'s making a shit-ton of money with his repetitive drivel\, but Chris knows as well as we do that his meltdown is just about over. He\'s crossed over from a closeted R\&B sensation with an anger problem to a closeted dickhead with an anger problem. I advise for all women as well as all men who enjoy penises to steer clear of this guy until he accepts what he is or puts a gun in his mouth.
  • Kanye West\: Kanye seems to be in a hurry to be taken as a giant joke in the entertainment industry. His rants against the people who support his awful ideas are truly epic \(leather jogging pants\, really\?\). The guy came unhinged in 2013 and I\'m starting to wonder if Team KKK hasn\'t been putting Molly in his baby bottle. I have a feeling that the world might be burned out on Kanye\, which is too bad. I love posting stories of C-listers losing their shit.
  • Rob Ford\, Mayor of Toronto\: I don\'t mean to get political on you guys\, but Mayor Ford has to make this list. The guy smokes crack. HE SMOKES CRACK. The Mayor of Toronto loves the crack rock\, and he isn\'t afraid to talk about it. He has no self control\, but he does compensate with his rapier wit\, as this quote from a live press conference would suggest\: "it says that I wanted to eat her pussy. I have never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I\'ve got more then enough to eat at home.\
  • American Idol\: American Idol had a great year\, in my opinion. Sure\, ratings were way down when compared to the glory days of trying to sober up Paula Abdul for every show\, but how many talent shows have two of the four judges melt down in the same season\? The only reason I watched last season was to see if Nicki Manaj would eventually slash Mariah Carey across the face with the razor blade she keeps hidden in her mouth\, like a classy lady does. It\'s too bad they aren\'t bringing those two back\, I feel as if they have unfinished business.
  • Amanda Bynes\: Amanda went from sane to crazy to rehab back to sane in the span of about six months\, a truly impressive accomplishment. Along the way we had bongs thrown out of windows\, driveways lit on fire\, and the phrase "psychiatric hold" reintroduced into our lexicon. Amanda's not the cash cow Britney Spears is\, so her parents may actually focus on her recovery and try to keep her out of the public eye next year. It was fun while it lasted.
  • The Kardashian Empire\: Wow\, we\'re finally here. 2013 will go down as the year when Planet Earth said \


Here's a roundup of all the most hideous pictures of 2013, or as I call it: the year Sharon Stone turned 100. No, but seriously, she is quite . . . quite old. Sharon Stone is so old that, when she was born, the flag of the United States had 48 stars. No, seriously, I didn't make that up. That is 100% true.

*112 pictures total in the gallery:

  • The Ugliest Celebrities of the Year
  • January\: Anjelica Huston
  • January\: AnnaLynne McCord
  • January\: Jennifer Garner
  • January\: Katie Lee
  • January\: Nicole Richie
  • January\: Pam Anderson
  • January\: Pam Anderson
  • January\: Tori Spelling
  • February\: AnnaLynne McCord
  • February\: Bethenny Frankel
  • February\: Calista Flockhart
  • February\: Drew Barrymore
  • February\: Heather Graham
  • February\: Janice Dickinson
  • February\: Jennie Garth
  • February\: Kate Gosselin
  • February\: Kendra Wilkinson
  • February\: Nicole Eggert
  • February\: Sarah Jessica Parker
  • March\: Alyson Hannigan
  • March\: Amber Valletta
  • March\: Ashley Tisdale
  • March\: Cameron Diaz
  • March\: Diane Kruger
  • March\: Kate Walsh
  • March\: Katie Holmes
  • March\: Katy Perry
  • March\: Kendra Wilkinson
  • March\: Lisa Rinna
  • March\: Uma Thurman
  • April\: Alanis Morisette
  • April\: Alicia Silverstone
  • April\: Bethenny Frankel
  • April\: Bethenny Frankel


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, loyal readers. Since you've been good boys and girls (and transgendered mistakes), allow me to present the "Holiday Gifts You Should Thank Us For" list. It's just a little something I threw together as a way to say you're welcome for being given the privilege of reading my rants this year.

NOTE: Each picture in this gallery has commentary below it, so make sure you click through.

*20 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Merry Christmas
  • Maria Menounos\’ amazing ass\: Yeah\, I love her\, too. Maria certainly made sure that we all saw how hard she works on that body of hers. I don\’t see a reason why she does yoga in public\, but I don\’t need one\, either. Let\’s just enjoy our arousals together
  • Maria Menounos
  • Molly\: I know\, an odd choice to be thankful for\, but can we all agree that Molly makes Miley Cyrus unbelievably interesting\? Had it not been for MDMA\,  Miley would just be another ex-Disney star doing the ComicCon rounds
  • Scarlett Johansson\’s big-tittied comeback tour\: My word\, Scarlett came back with a vengeance this year\, didn\’t she\? All of a sudden\, her headlamps are on full display at every red carpet event for the world to stare at. Try to clean up when you\’re done\, fellas
  • Scarlett Johansson
  • Vanessa Hudgens selfies\: Vanessa Hudgens is the reason why phones are smart now. Apple\, Samsung\, and even Motorola are in a constant battle over who can give Vanessa the best technology to keep snapping the hottest selfies of 2013. God bless Twitter\, too
  • Vanessa Hudgens
  • Kate Upton\’s return to sanity\: Allow me to thank Kate for a change. She got rid of her loser D-list boyfriend before he could infect her A-list body with his foreign seed. Thank God\, because the "In Beautiful People News" section on Celebslam would be shut down in protest if that had happened
  • Kate Upton
  • Christina Aguilera\’s commitment to having abs\: Xtina is back\, people. This is why I never really gave up on her. With all of my fat-shaming support\, I know I had a hand in helping Christina lose all those inches and getting back to being a high-end hot celebrity. You\’re welcome\, Chris
  • Christina Aguilera
  • Salma Hayak\’s impressive cleavage\: You know\, I\’m not sure if Salma\’s even doing movies anymore\, but I do know that the cameras love what tight-fitting blouses do to her gifts. They say if you hold a picture of her rack in front of two mirrors\, eventually you can see Jesus give you a thumb\’s up
  • Salma Hayak
  • Sofia Vergara\’s impressive cleavage\: See those sweet\, sweet knockers\? Those are 41-years-old and completely natural\, kids. The next time you get arrested because you were motor-boating watermelons at Foodtown\, don\’t blame me. I just post the pics\, you do with them what you will
  • Sofia Vergara
  • Kanye West\’s arrogance\: I love how Kanye has embraced his decline with complete denial. The dumber his antics\, the closer he is to being completely finished in entertainment. Lol\, Yeezus. Thanks for the instability\, Kanye
  • Kate Beckinsale\: Kate is probably the most well-behaved celebrity we cover. There\’s literally no controversy to report on her\, yet here we are\, getting lost in her eyes . . . huh\? Wow\, I got distracted for a sec. Kate Beckinsale made that list because she\’s stunning. I don\’t even watch her complete movies\, I just edit out every scene she\’s not in. Here\’s the result\: I have a 7000 minute movie that I\’m planning to enter at Cannes next year. Don't thank me for it\, thank the good Lord above
  • Kate Beckinsale
  • The Internet\: Send your thanks and love to Vice President Al Gore for inventing the internet \(according to him\). Had it not been for the information superhighway\, Celebslam would still be a paper magazine\, only available at the Library of Congress and at live girls shops in major cities


Happy Thanksgiving! Celebslam will be back to our normal routine on Monday, but until then, enjoy this gallery of celebrities without makeup. Or not enjoy. Whatever. It's your life, man.

*40 celebrities without makeup pictures total in the gallery:

  • Katherine Heigl Without Makeup
  • Kim Kardashian Without Makeup
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt Without Makeup
  • Pamela Anderson Without Makeup
  • Alicia Silverstone Without Makeup
  • Tara Reid Without Makeup
  • Kate Beckinsale Without Makeup
  • Calista Flockhart Without Makeup
  • Drew Barrymore Without Makeup
  • Diana Ross Without Makeup
  • Pamela Anderson Without Makeup
  • Madonna Without Makeup
  • Courtney Love Without Makeup
  • Paris Hilton Without Makeup
  • Kirsten Dunst Without Makeup
  • Pamela Anderson Without Makeup
  • Melanie Griffith Without Makeup
  • Bridget Marquardt Without Makeup
  • Goldie Hawn Without Makeup
  • Holly Hunter Without Makeup
  • Jennifer Garner Without Makeup
  • Janice Dickinson Without Makeup
  • Kimora Simmons Without Makeup
  • Madonna Without Makeup
  • Melanie Griffith Without Makeup
  • Nicole Richie Without Makeup
  • Nikki Cox Without Makeup
  • Madonna Without Makeup
  • Tara Reid Without Makeup
  • Pamela Anderson Without Makeup
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Ali Larter's infamous whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues

There comes a time in every boy's life, when he gets to move beyond the JC Penney catalog fantasies and indulge in something a little more tangible, a little more enlightening. A moment when he gets to see a female body in a state of undress unlike he's ever seen before. It's that first time, when he's gotten to lay his eyes on a half-naked hot chick in a movie. He'll relive it over and over again while amassing a bigger and bigger tissue pile. At that point, life is as good as it's gonna get. Right? You know that was you at some point in your life. You know, before porn took over and taught you all of the realistic approaches to butt sex.

Nevertheless, we have a lot of movies to thank over the years for teaching us what a sexy girl in underwear could look like and act like. So let's pay homage to those movies of our past, the ones you ultimately destroyed from hitting rewind one too many times.

Varsity Blues (1999)

Sure, you went to see this movie because you like football and were hoping for another Remember the Titans or Rudy, but let's be honest, you really went because Ali Larter rolls out in a whipped cream bikini. I'm pretty sure you would never utter "I don't want your life" to James Van Der Beek after that scene.

Showgirls (1995)

This is the movie you snuck into but told your parents you were going to see Clueless, or better yet, Toy Story. The ever excited, yet so scared, Elizabeth Berkley rocked many a boob in this movie as a down-trodden turned famous showgirl. The high-waisted panties were just what you ordered.

Empire Records (1995)


Liv Tyler dropping trou for Rex Manning was like getting a real look into the underwear life of your older hot neighbor. No, she's not rocking the risque Adam and Eve lingerie number, she's just wearing a pair of awkward vag-centric white underwear and red bra, getting stoked for Rex Manning Day. Let us give an honorable mention to Renee Zellweger, who gave great side boob when she put on the Music Town apron. Say no more, mon amour!

CHECK OUT THE REST OF THE LIST ON PAGE 2...


The official last day of Summer is this Saturday, so what better way to celebrate than with a gallery of all the celebrities we never want to see in bikinis again? Like Pink, above. She's screwed when Nordstrom finally gets rid of their "Chicks with Cocks" section.

*20 worst celebrity bikini bodies pictures total in the gallery:

  • Pink\: Is that a cock\?
  • Courtney Love\: Is her stomach melting\?
  • Debra Messing\: Actually not pregnant in this picture
  • Tara Reid\: Plastic surgery is a terrible thing
  • Lisa Rinna\: Maybe try a one piece next time\?
  • Deena Cortese\: Some bodies were not built for bikinis
  • Kelly Bensimon\: The curves of a brick
  • Ivana Trump\: Oh dear
  • Tanning Mom\: It must be nice having no sense of shame
  • Serena Williams\: If I say anything negative\, she'll kill me
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt\: Straight to the hips
  • Kathy Griffin\: SATAN
  • Kathy Ireland\: What the fuck happened to her\?
  • Nicole Richie\: Food\? Have you heard of that\?
  • LeAnn Rimes\: At least Nicole Richie thinks she looks good
  • Nicki Minaj\: Dumps like a truck
  • Snooki\: Built like one of those Russian nesting dolls
  • Kelly Ripa\: Body fat can actually be a good thing sometimes
  • Kesha\: No comment
  • Tori Spelling\: Haunted tits

Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: