Recently in Celebriches Category

By DReaD

Beautiful Spanish actress Penelope Cruz earns bucketfuls of money with her looks; she earned $2 million a year just from L’Oreal cosmetics. As a film star, she was paid $1.6 million to appear with Matthew McConaughey in “Sahara”. When she found out McConaughey was being paid $8 million for the film, she commented “hijo de perra, puede besar mi trasero espanol”, which when translated means “I respect how much Matthew earned, as he is a fine actor who will no doubt win at least 2 Academy Awards”.*

Not only is Cruz beautiful, but she also very intelligent. She can understand 4 languages: English, Spanish, French and Italian, but just couldn’t get a grasp of Thetan when Tom Cruise tried to teach her the language of Scientology.

In 2006, she starred in the film “Bandidos” with Salma Hayek. Sadly, “Bandidos” is not the Spanish word for “Bondage”.

Super-rich Halle Berry received her first $1 million paycheck for the 1996 film “Executive Decision”. Since then, this sexy African American actress has commanded higher and higher paychecks, receiving upwards of $10 million for her most recent movies. She even got paid for “Catwoman”!

In 1997 Berry incurred the wrath of many of her UK fans. She appeared in the film “BAPs”, which in the USA is short for Black American Princesses. However, in many parts of England, BAPS is a slang word for breasts. The film was cynically marketed in these parts of England with this: “See Halle Berry, one of many beautiful BAPS featured in this film. Watch her kiss fellow BAPS and later introduce her BAPS to her parents”. Sick bastards.

Rumors still abound that she was paid $500,000 to show her breasts in the action film “Swordfish”. Fellow “Swordfish” star John Travolta offered to show his for just $5 and a tube of toupee superglue.

Russell Crowe is a well-regarded actor who can command huge sums to appear in films. He received $5 million for “Gladiator”, $15 million for “A Beautiful Mind” and $20 million for “Master and Commander”. For his next movie, “State of Play”, he wanted $30 million, a white rhinoceros, a 25 carat diamond, proof of alien existence and Lindsay Lohan’s virginity. 4 out of 5 isn’t bad.

Crowe famously lost his temper with a producer who cut a poem the actor was reading from a television broadcast. The poem went:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I won an Oscar

So fuck you.

He once bought former lover Meg Ryan a $25,000 Buick Riviera for her birthday. It was actually a very romantic gesture, as he filled the driver seat with red roses, the passenger seat with chocolates and put Dennis Quaid’s head in the trunk.

Daniel Day-Lewis may well be the greatest actor of his generation, regardless of what Russell Crowe’s ego insists. This talented British-Irish thespian keeps his salary to himself, but is believed to earn the $15-20 million paychecks top Hollywood hitters receive.

Known for staying in character during film-making, he scalped a cameraman and best boy on “Last of the Mohicans”, parked in the disabled spot during “My Left Foot”, mugged the producer of “Gangs of New York” and sailed to Fiji and was eaten by cannibals for “The Bounty”.

Daniel Day-Lewis is such a committed actor he even offered to saw off his own legs to star as a Jawa in the future Star Wars release “In the Name of the Jabba”. In the end, George Lucas decided to stick with his midgets (“less angsty” he commented).

*That is, if the Academy ever introduce an Oscar for the category: Actor With The Most Heinous Body Odor.

By DReaD

Mariah Carey paid $662,500 for a piano that was previously owned by Marilyn Monroe. This is small change for a woman who has sold over 100 million albums and could afford to pay Virgin Records $30 million to buy her contract out, because they realized she was crap.

Carey is highly regarded for her vocal talents, music business savvy and huge breasts. It is believed that her breasts are actually hollow and that she keeps a fawning midget * locked up inside each breast who she releases only when she is alone and needs to hear some serious ass-kissing.

Carey has won 5 Grammy awards, all in the “Best Tantrum in the Green Room by a Female Artist who is not Whitney Houston” category.

Twitchy-arsed singer Shakira once bought a mansion in Miami that cost her over $3 million. It was for sale at $5 million but Shakira used her magic hips to hypnotize the realtor into a coma.

World-famous for basically shaking her behind a lot, scientists have recently made a startling discovery about the Colombian singer… she actually has a good voice. Unfortunately, they also discovered that if she stops shaking her booty the Moon will crash into the Earth wiping out all of mankind.

Shakira’s fiancé is the only man in the world who asks his partner to move a little less in bed… before she tears his penis off.

Ice-T is so rich, he was able to rebuild his wife, CoCo (Nicole Austin). Not that she had been in a terrible auto-accident or house fire, just that he felt she would be happier with a huge pair of comedy breasts and an ass so large that it could be used as a landing platform for the space shuttle. Apparently he keeps an Uzi in her left breast and a spare tire for a Hummer in the right one.

I was going to mention how rich Ice-T actually is but he threatened to pop a cap in my ass, which is rich, coming from an ass in a cap.

Ice-T is actually a very likeable person; behind the “gangsta”/automatic machine-gun/pimps and drugs persona he often portrays, there lies hidden a really bad actor.

English footballer/potato look-alike Wayne Rooney, or as he is better known in the USA, the Bank of Coleen McLoughlin, is so rich that he no longer has to pay for sex from women as old as his grandmother. Everton football club sold him to Manchester United for $60 million, which just managed to pay for his tab at his favorite brothel in Liverpool, the Doghouse.

Rooney has not been clever with the money he has earned from football. OK, so he has bought property, made investments and has huge advertising contracts. But he still hasn’t paid for plastic surgery.

Rooney once said he wanted to be more like fellow football star David Beckham, that is, play his best football until he is 28, then marry an anorexic pop star who looks like a hockey stick with 2 pumpkins nailed to it and sell-out for $250 million to an American soccer team made up of extras who were on “the OC”.

* Kindly provided by George Lucas’ musical wing, Droidtown, run by Finger-licking Dan & the Musical Nads.

By DReaD

Monica Bellucci is one of a handful of European actresses who can command million dollar salaries. Directors are so desperate to have this Italian goddess in their movies that she even got paid over a million euros for a Belgian film called “Combien tu m’aimes”. The film made $150 million at the box office when the director wisely stated there was a 7 minute lingering close-up of her naked right breast (the left one sags a bit).

American audiences will remember her mostly from “The Matrix” trilogy and Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ”. Apparently Gibson’s film was based on a book, called the “Howly Bibble” (or something like that). I think Isaac Asimov wrote it, I’m not sure, I stopped reading books when I realized the articles in Playboy came with pictures. Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus in “The Passion”, made a long, passionate and scholarly argument as why a graphic sex scene between him and Bellucci should have been in the film: “But Mel, look at those ta-tas”. Can’t argue with that logic.

Bellucci is so sexy that she was voted number 1 in a special movie poll that asked people which actress was most likely to leave a damp spot on the cinema seat. Angelina Jolie demanded a recount.

“Bellucci” is Italian for “spank me I like it”.

Eva Longoria gets paid an obscene amount of money for her role as Gabrielle Solis in “Desperate Housewives” and she and her fellow cast-mates know how to play hardball too, as they just extended their contracts with ABC for 4 years at the tune of $40 million. She needs the money to fight the latest KFC advertising campaign that claims their chicken legs have more meat on them than hers.

Longoria is often seen out shopping, being pampered and basically treated like a princess. In the dog world this would make her a French poodle: a stuck up bitch* with a priceless fur coat that if you lay even one finger on it you’re going to see your own blood. Look but don’t touch, unless you have been neutered.

She has been known to open the world famous Harrods department store sale in London, a place where you only get in after flashing 3 carats on your finger or above:

Harrods doorman: “I’m sorry madam that is clearly not a 3 carat Tiffany ring, that is the elastic rim cut off a condom and rolled onto your finger…”

Winona Ryder: “Don’t you know who I am? I was in “How to Make an American Quilt”. I’m Winona Ryder.”

Harrods doorman: “Oh I do apologize Ms Ryder, I didn’t recognize you from your Saks Beverly Hills video… security!”

Talking about Winona Ryder, she is due to appear in the new “Star Trek” film as Spock’s mother (no, really). She will get millions of dollars to be part of the latest installment: “Star Trek 27: We Lost Count”. After all, she got $3 million for playing an android in “Alien: Resurrection”, which is pretty much like paying Amy Winehouse to act “drunk”.

Winona Ryder has dated so many people that even Scott Baio rings her up asking for dating tips.

any Star Trek fans (who prefer not to be called “Trekkies”, but the more correct term “Virgins”) are dismayed at the thought of Winona Ryder playing the mother of one of the most revered characters in the show. When asked to comment about this, the rest of the world said “who cares?”

In between surfing, sleeping with incredibly easily-impressed women and not shaving/showering, Matthew McConaughey actually managed to make a film called “A Time to Kill” which shot him to fame. His pretty-boy face in a film will cost film studios around $8 million (his salary for “Sahara”). This makes him the richest hippie in the world (don’t let the short hair fool you, just smell his hemp sandals for the truth).

cConaughey isn’t really interested in his wealth accumulation, he prefers to soak up the sun, surf and hang out with beautiful starlets whilst he travels around the world. He is proving this by producing his next film alone, an autobiographical piece called “Stark Bongo Naked”. It will be 110 minutes of him sitting naked, playing “Stairway to Heaven” on his bongos. Celebriches predicts a hit!

cConaughey was touted as the new Paul Newman or Harrison Ford. George Lucas considered McConaughey as a replacement for Ford in his new “Indiana Jones & the Crippling Sciatica” movie, but some of the Zambian pygmies hired to appear in the movie complained about the smell of McConaughey’s “natural” pit odor. This coming from people used to the smell of rotting wild animals…

* Celebriches would like to point out that it does not think Eva Longoria is a bitch… just a dog.

By DReaD

Keanu Reeves is ridiculously rich, he earned anywhere between $150-200 million just for the Matrix trilogy and then gave most of it away. He supplements his generosity by earning $50 million a year posing as the Lincoln Memorial for the government while the real thing gets cleaned from all the bird crap on it. Critics raved about his performance:

“Not even stone could be more stone-like”

“The emotion on his face makes you think of a corpse”

“Apparently Richard Gere based his Jefferson Memorial on Reeves’ work”.

When asked about his acting in the Matrix films, the Wachowski brothers commented:

“A singularity in the hole of the time/space continuum is in itself a paradox, a paradox created by the virtue of a presence so immense and frightening that only a pre-destined champion could demonstrate the true depth of mind to pierce this singularity…”

Unfortunately the rest of their statement was not recorded as all the journalists present spontaneously combusted.

Harrison Ford, now here is a man who looks at Keanu Reeves’ vast wealth and considers it pocket change. He got $25 million for appearing in the submarine film “K-19: The Widowmaker”. He will get paid so much money for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” that a new number had to be created just for him: a “harrillion”. He will get paid $20 harrillion for the new Indy flick, which is more than a hankstrillion but less than a gibsongoogol.

Being 65 years old, Ford is now spending his money on looking youthful. He bought a diamond earring, found himself a younger woman (Calista Flockhart is 22 years younger) and will no doubt be in negotiations with Hollywood’s best plastic surgeons soon. He even got 28 inch custom chrome rims on his mobility scooter. Go Harrison!

Stupidly rich Mel Gibson is the man Harrison Ford goes to when he needs a loan. This is a man who bought his deeply-religious father his own church as a gift, setting the bar for the rest of us…

“A font? You bought me a font for Father’s Day? Is this all I mean to you? Mel Gibson’s father got a whole church and you get me a lousy font?”

“But dad, look, it has gold leaf, encrusted with semi-precious stones and that’s real Holy Water in it, blessed by the Pope himself…”

“You’re no son of mine”.

Thanks Mel. Why couldn’t you just get him a subscription to Playboy? Mix things up a bit.

When Mel Gibson wants to bum a free meal, he goes to Steven Spielberg. His net worth is $3 billion and rising. Some people have accused him of getting stale in his old age, only taking on safe projects*. Spielberg intends to prove them all wrong with his new project: “ET 2: The Rise of the Finger”.

Spielberg is currently producing a mini-series called “The Pacific”, which is costing HBO around $200 million. Fortunately, Spielberg hadn’t done the weekly grocery shopping at that point and managed to spare the money. HBO had already blown all their spare change on their latest slogan: “We have Spielberg, nah nah n-nah nah”.

Spielberg is so powerful in the film industry that when he sneezes all the bootleggers in China and Russia get a cold.

* “Some people” was actually George Lucas, who is so jealous of Spielberg having an Oscar that he refuses to loan any of his midgets to play ET in the new film, and as everyone in the business knows, Lucas supplies the best midgets in Tinseltown.

By DReaD

Kim Kardashian deserves a mention in Celebriches, due to her status as being extremely rich and a celebrity (as in celebrity nowadays means you have been arrested for at least one misdemeanor, have had a reality show on E! and made a sex tape). She complained that she had $50,000 worth of belongings stolen from right under her nose at JFK airport, which is a shame for the thief; because if whoever stole that had bothered to look under the shade cast by her butt they would have found the Lost Mines of Solomon.

Kardashian describes herself as an entrepreneur, model and actress. In other words, she posed as a French maid for an “adult film” video cover (“model”), the director offered her $50 to do a few scenes (“acting”) and when she saw how good her performance was she decided to executive produce the video as well (“entrepreneur”).

Paris Hilton is a well-known associate of Kardashian, mainly as she was tired of Nicole Richie making her look fat.

Catherine Zeta Jones was born in Swansea, a city in Wales. Her parents won $200,000 at a game of Bingo and moved to a more upper class neighborhood, to give her a better standard of life, where the only problem for the future star was being chatted up by dirty old men 25 years older than her.

Not content with the potential riches offered by Wales, Jones became a film star, raking in $10 million for Zorro and $8 million for Chicago, all the while having to avoid those dirty old directors, 25 years older than her.

She claims acting is a hobby for her, she makes her real money selling necklaces made out of shells she finds on Malibu beach. Fortunately, she managed to marry a nice young producer who can support her lifestyle, Michael Douglas, only 25 years older than her…

There are few young actresses who are more talented than Natalie Portman, but even she manages to leave the old brain for a day at the races at times whilst the rest of her is at home. She bought co-star Julia Roberts a necklace with the word “cunt” accidentally spelled out on it. What really happened is Natalie had asked the jeweler to put the meaningful acronym of “Charity Wins Under Necessary Times” on the necklace, due to her fervent support of various charities. What she didn’t realize was the jeweler had seen her performance in “The Revenge of the Sith” and was still annoyed at losing his $12 on a ticket.

George Lucas once commented that he believed Natalie Portman could be the finest actress of her generation, but it was difficult to hear what he was saying over the noise of him chasing midgets dressed as Yoda while Mark Hamill pushed his mocked-up diamond encrusted landspeeder (it was out of gas). Hamill was just grateful for the work.

Talking about Julia Roberts, although her last film “Pretty Woman 2: The Return of the Crab Infestation” tanked at the box office, she can still afford to sleep on brand new $20 bills. She has about $140 million in the bank but still refuses to shave those hirsute armpits, now if that isn’t Girl Power!

Roberts celebrated her 40th birthday last year (2007) with the knowledge that her films have grossed over $2 billion at the US box office. She could have made $3 billion, but 100 million men asked for their money back after seeing “Full Frontal” and finding out it was just a “comedy”.

By DReaD

Amy Winehouse – even her name is intoxicating. Amy has had so much success lately that she was able to spend $4000 just for a tent. Well she has to have somewhere to sleep when she can’t remember her way home at night. Every night.

She is currently worth around $10 million but still refuses to change her “lucky” red bra. The specially padded bra has extra pockets, you know, for tissues, lipstick, strange white powder that probably isn’t crushed Tylenol.

Although Amy does possess an extraordinarily beautiful voice, she is swiftly becoming the British Britney when it comes to erratic behavior. You know you need help when you are getting phone calls from Kentwood, Louisiana from “concerned well-wishers”.

Singer Pete Doherty is beloved by all in the UK, that is all the people who think getting so drunk you start seeing 6ft lizards playing pool with your eyeballs and taking so much heroin even Lou Reed looks nervous is a cool pastime. Doherty is an expert at mocking English traditional values; he takes his tea at 4pm instead of 3pm, wears a double-breasted suit on a Sunday (with vomit stains) and once voted for the Green Party, the bounder!

Pete thought he was so rich he could afford to cheat on former supermodel girlfriend Kate Moss, who is worth over $30 million. Actually, if you listen carefully at night you can actually hear Pete sobbing into his pillow as he realizes not long ago he was shacked up with one of the world’s most famous and richest supermodels and now he has to bum cigarettes off the old lady that stinks of piss and lives behind the VD clinic offering hand-jobs for a buck and a bottle of fortified wine… or as he likes to call her, the “ex”.

Fortunately, he will soon make his riches back when he releases his magnificent solo album, “Noises I Heard As The Ambulance Came To Get Me”. Apparently on this record it is actually possible to make out some of the words he is singing, just not in the right order… and out of tune.

CLICK HERE to check out the rest of this week's edition of "Celebriches" after the jump...

By DReaD

Famous children’s writer JK Rowling recently auctioned off a single copy of her hand-written book “The Tales of Beedle the Bard”, which sold for nearly $4 million. Considering the surprising amount of money the book fetched she is now thinking about releasing two more “Harry Potter” novels, tentatively titled “Harry Potter and the Gruesome Divorce” and “Harry Potter and the Mid-life Crisis” (where he buys a Ferrari broom and dates Hermione Granger’s 19 year old cousin).

Rowling recently confessed that head wizard Dumbledore, was actually gay. In the adult version of “Harry Potter and the Slutty Heiress” there is a conversation between Dumbledore and Harry which goes as follows:

“Dumbledore squeaked in anticipation, ‘Harry, please, use your powerful wand…’. Harry felt his tension growing as he uttered the magic words ‘Popperus Sniffius’ and Bam! Dumbledore was finally freed from the closet”.

Celebslam and Celebriches “favorite” Paris Hilton warrants another mention in this column for the recent release of her luxury wine in a can (it really puts the “ass” back in “class”). It is just another addition to her growing financial empire which includes perfume, jewelery and kennels (where all the high-class dogs hang out).

For the wine commercial Paris was naked, painted gold and filmed crawling on her hands and knees in the desert… but Seymore Butts still refuses to return her calls since he went upmarket.

She tells people she was named after the capital of France, but felt F was too difficult to spell and changed it to her favorite town in Texas instead.

George Lucas is apparently worth $3.6 billion, not including the world’s largest original Star Wars figure collection which is guarded by state of the art anti-nerd security equipment. The treasured figures are surrounded by a huge chain of inter-locking bras, impossible to unhook for your average geek.

Sadly, George never bothered to invest some of that money into his scriptwriting skills. Many Star Wars aficionados complain the recent trilogy of movies contained very poor dialogue and shallow characterization. When asked to comment about these accusations Lucas laughed maniacally down the phone whilst bathing in $50 dollar bills, smoking a solid platinum pipe which had been lit with the original wrapping of a 1977 Han Solo figure (bastard) and flipping the bird to Mark Hamill via webcam.

Note: it is rumored Lucas has an army of midgets in his workforce who he demands wear stormtrooper outfits and call him Darth Franchise.

Sandra Bullock is somehow worth $85 million. The poor (and slightly desperate) man’s version of Julia Roberts has her own production company (how else does she keep getting work?). To be fair, she was great in “Crash”, although I still can’t work out which corpse she played.

Sandra’s legion of fans include thousands of elderly women who would love to have such a goofy actress-like daughter, but have to face the reality of working for a living to pay for their 17 cats. Because you know, cats are really understanding and loving, they really listen to you, when they pee on your toast and scratch the shit out of your new leather upholstery and reward you with a vomit-inducing hairball. Cats and a Sandra Bullock movie… senile heaven.

Note: In the UK, a bollock is another word for testicle. Co-incidence?

NOTE: I'm debuting the new "Celebriches" column today by DReaD. DReaD used to write for a now defunct men's magazine. His Wednesday column will focus on celebrities, money, and AIDs. Except AIDs.

By DReaD

It is estimated Paris Hilton will eventually inherit between $30-50 million. Wisely, Paris has invested in many other businesses as she realizes $30-50 million will only buy enough antibiotics to last her for the next 5 years. Typhoid Mary was in denial too.

To be fair to Paris, she did have the intelligence to cancel her trip to Rwanda earlier this year. Rwanda is an African country that has a GDP per capita of $1,300 and no fashion industry. Not only would Paris have nowhere to hang out but where could she get change for a $100 bill? Anyway, according to Nicole Richie, neighboring Burundi is where the REAL nightclub action is.

Britney Spears is worth around $100 million. That is a conservative estimate, although a big chunk of that is now resting in the Starbucks' bank vault, which they then auction, dollar by dollar on eBay: "$1 bill with Britney's fingerprint", "$1 bill with Britney's saliva", "$1 bill with Britney's lawyer’s number", "$5 bill with Britney's mother’s number". By 2010 Starbucks’ revenues will be 40% coffee & related products and 60% Britney by-products.

With all that money you would have thought Britney would move to another country where she won’t get hounded by paparazzi and mercilessly slated for every mistake she makes. Unfortunately she was reliably informed that they don’t speak American in "Canadia"...

Lindsay Lohan has about $8 million or so lying around, either in the bank or, as any financial advisor will tell a young actress, stuffed in teddy bears. We love Lindsay for the crazy madcap characters she plays, the child in a woman's body, in outrageous situations and far-fetched premises. Shame her films suck…

Lindsay has problems with boyfriends; she doesn't make the best choices. For $5 million she could buy the "Marry-O-Matic", a specialized computer that spits out your perfect mate once you have inputted all your hates and loves. Is it legal to marry a woodbine in California?

Jessica Simpson made around $7 million in a 12 month period from 2006 to 2007. She spent some of it on encyclopedias, donated some to charity (paying for lip-synch lessons for sister Ashlee is charity right?) and used the remaining $6,999,900 to pay for the best PR in entertainment. You remember her album "A Public Affair"? Neither do we…

Jessica still remembers the day she got her first big pay-check. The record company offered her a check for $50,000, but she managed to bargain them down to $500 and a bowl of month old jelly beans they had in the reception area. She thought the comma in $50,000 worked the same way as a decimal point…