Jessica Alba and her daughter Honor Marie leaving Nate'n Al's restaurant in Beverly Hills (3/15)
Jessica Alba and husband Cash Warren are supposedly trying to have another baby. Alba gave birth to her first child, daughter Honor Marie, last June. An insider told the
National Enquirer:
"Jessica and Cash are working overtime to get pregnant. She and Cash are boasting that they love being parents and are determined to expand their family as soon as possible."
Hate to break it to you Jessica, but I don't think Cash likes babies so much as he likes making babies. If it was up to Cash, I'm sure he would have given Honor Marie up for adoption. "C'mon Jessica, she's can't stop shitting and pissing her pants. Let's just give her away and make another one, one that's not broken."
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren leaving Bardot nightclub (12/29)
I guess when you're the only breadwinner in your family, you're allowed to be a bitch sometimes. From the
National Enquirer:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren left their baby at home on De. 29 and hit Hollywood's Bardot. But Jess was NOT happy with Cash's overenthusiastic reaction to the women in the club's burlesque show - and they left immediately after it ended. (Print Edition - 1/19)
If you're Cash Warren, you better thank Allah every single second of the day that you somehow ended up with Jessica Alba. And if some $8/hour bar floozy throws her flabby ass in your direction, you better turn the other cheek and coo into Jessica's ear how lucky you are to be with her. Then, when her postpartum depression is just starting to abate, dump her ass with that newborn and get yourself some fresh poon. Just saying . . . Jessica's almost 30. I mean, who wants to date a 30-year-old? That's just gross.
Jessica Alba and her mom Catherine in Beverly Hills (1/6)
You know how most women end up looking like their mom? Well I'm pretty sure if Cash Warren left now, he could be deep into Mexico by sundown. "I look like Cash who? Umm, my name's Juan."
Cash Warren and Jessica Alba out and about in Brentwood (10/9)
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[Flynet]
Jessica Alba and Honor Marie Warren
Jessica Alba is some kind of badass. In the new issue of OK! magazine -- featuring the exclusive first pics of her baby Honor Marie Warren -- she makes child delivery sound kinda easy:
"I didn't scream. It was really Zen." The Love Guru star tells OK! that she had natural birth. "The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."
While husband Cash added:
"She didn't make a sound. It was amazing." (Source)
Damn this chick is hardcore. I could never give birth naturally without making a sound. And not just because I don't have a uterus. I'm afraid of pain. I get an epidural every time I go to the dentist's office. You can't be too careful.
UPDATE: New cover pic from the Spanish edition of OK!
[ONTD]
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren leaving Bloomingdales in Century City (7/5)
Jessica Alba's kid was a mistake. Oh, and in her past relationships, guys really wanted to have sex with her. In an interview in the August U.K. edition of Cosmopolitan magazine, the new mom revealed:
"I never thought I'd find a man before 30, let alone marry him and have his baby. I always used to meet the wrong guys – the ones who wanted to hang out for a week and see how far they could get. If you didn't have sex in the first few days, you were either frigid or a lesbian. So I held out – and, boy, am I glad I did! . . . [Cash and I] are not a typical Hollywood couple. I love that he's not an actor. I'm way too high maintenance to be in a relationship with an actor – they're all such divas! . . . Nothing was planned – the pregnancy or the wedding. But he took it in his stride and convinced me we'd conquer all!" (Source)
en dated Jessica Alba looking for only one thing? I'm shocked! You'd think they'd be interested in her sparkling sense of humor or her incredible fashion sense. By the way, if this whole marriage to Jessica Alba thing doesn't work out for Cash, maybe he should think of becoming a used car salesman. Because if he can talk Jessica out of using a condom, he can talk anyone into a used Chevy Impala.
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren are married
Jessica Alba's rep confirmed to People today that Alba and fiancé Cash Warren "quietly wed yesterday" in Beverly Hills. A source told the mag:
[Alba and Warren] were married in the Beverly Hills courthouse's ceremony room under an arch of green silk foliage and white flowers. They were casually dressed, with Alba wearing a long blue dress and her hair back in a ponytail."She looked happy but nervous," the source says.
Warren, in a white shirt and brown pants, arrived with Alba at about 11:30 a.m. on Monday, applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the paperwork to be processed before a staff member from the courthouse married them, the source says. (Source)
Awwwwww, just what every little girl dreams of: a quickie wedding to avoid the stigma of giving birth to a bastard child. Hallmark makes a card for that, right? Maybe I'll just send flowers . . .
Bauer Griffin
Remember when Jessica Alba broke up with her boyfriend Cash Warren a few weeks ago? Well here's the two of them walking on the beach in Pacific Palisades this morning. This is the part of the story where I'm supposed to make a clichéd joke about Jessica really loving me and not Cash blah blah blah--standard blogger stuff. But I'm not gonna do that. Because she doesn't love me. I was nothing more than a piece of meat to her, used to carry out her perverted sexual fantasies on a thrice-daily basis. Call me crazy but I need more from a relationship than just wild sex . . . I also need expensive gifts like watches and SUVs. I'm human too ya' know.
UPDATE: Because I hate being sued, I had to take the pics down and replace it with an old pic of Cash and Jessica in Hawaii. Trust me though, they were in Pacific Palisades this morning. Imagination is way better than real pictures anyways. I'm a pirate!
According to friends of Cash Warren and Jessica Alba, the reason for the couple's recent breakup was not because of another man--as many have speculated--but because Jessica wanted to get married and Cash didn't. An insider told the New York Daily News:
"[Cash] wasn't ready for marriage, and Jessica is. It's simple as that. It's kind of cold that the press is saying she was just finished with him, because it isn't like that."Apparently Alba got serious pangs at the recent fairy-tale chateau wedding of her friend Eva Longoria.
"Seeing Eva get married made Jessica wistful," says the friend. "That was the reason Jessica seemed to be in a terrible mood in Paris." (Source)
What the hell is Cash waiting for?!? He can't possibly do better than Jessica Alba. She's basically a smoking hot ATM machine--but with less personality ... at least that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.
Us Weekly is reporting that Jessica Alba and her boyfriend of two and-a-half years, Cash Warren, have split up:
Sources tell Us that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, "I'm not in love with you anymore." Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren's belongings and move him out. The breakup "happened...almost out of nowhere," the source says. "[Cash] thinks it's for another guy but doesn't know....he's totally devastated. But it was all her." (Source)
God damn, what a bitch! I'm surprised Jessica didn't buy Cash a new dog yesterday just so she could kick it today. On the brightside, at least Jessica can eat whatever she wants. I learned in Bio 101 that cholesterol doesn't affect hearts made of steel.
BONUS: Because I love you, here's some Jessica Alba bikini pics
[Splash News]
