Archive: Britney Spears

Time to take out a second mortgage

Britney’s attorney Stacy Phillips managed to rack up nearly 700 billable hours in four months, coming to a grand total of $481,627.37 after a $120,000 discount. Stacy did her best to explain the sky-high fees:

In court docs obtained by TMZ, Phillips whines she was completely put out by repping Brit, moaning that she was called back from her “pre-honeymoon” to attend a hearing in “non-Court attire.” We’re wondering if that was the day we saw her appear before the judge, wearing a sleeveless cocktail number.

Britney’s lawyer and I have more than a few things in common. We start to salivate when a new Britney story breaks, we wear inappropriate attire to court, and we both make $700 an hour. The number of $1 bills the ladies can fit in my naughty firefighter costume never ceases to amaze me.

Britney Spears is free, behind the wheel

How the hell is it legal for her to be driving right now?!? I’d rather ride shotgun with the 1955 version of James Dean.

K-Fed took his custody fight with ex-wife Britney Spears to the next level this weekend serving her cousin, Alli Sims, with a subpoena … ISRAELI COMMANDO STYLE!!! The New York Daily News reports:

Early yesterday morning, K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, sent security expert and ex-Israeli commando Aaron Cohen out to track down and subpoena Spears’ assistant Alli Sims, who is also the singer’s cousin. Also in Cohen’s cross hairs was Spears’ music producer Jonathan (J.R.) Rotem. Kaplan wants both questioned under oath about Spears’ alleged erratic - and sometimes dangerous - parenting skills. Cohen caught up with the pair at a Hollywood Hills bash at 2:30 a.m.

“He infiltrated the grounds and said, ‘Are you Alli Sims? Here is a legal document … you have been served,’” a source said. “Cohen knows his stuff. He was in the Israeli Army. Let’s put it this way, if Alli were a terrorist, she would have been taken down.”

Still inside was Spears herself, who was said to be furious. (Source)

If this guy’s so good at tracking down terrorists, why is Rosie O’Donnell still alive? That bitch’s appetite is a weapon of mass destruction raining terror down upon All-You-Can-Eat specials nationwide. You may think I’m kidding but I’m not–terrorism is something I do not fuck around with. Same with Mahjong.

Splash News

Some overbearing mom went off on Britney Spears last week outside the Kitson Boutique in Los Angeles. According to Mike Walker of the National Enquirer (13% less fake!), after her daughter “squealed with delight” at the site of the washed-up pop star, the mother stepped up to Britney and said:

“EXCUSE ME … but I hope you get your life together, work things out with your mother – then start taking care of your children! Family is the most important thing in the world!” Grimacing through this tirade, Britney snarkily smacked gum and blew bubbles – popping them loudly. The mom – uncowed by Britney’s rage-a-holic rep – went right in her face and scolded: “You have absolutely NO manners! You have dirty habits, and you’re a terrible example for young girls – not to mention your fans … if you still have any!” The mortified (yet obviously still star-struck) daughter recoiled as Brit suddenly spit out her pink gum-wad and screamed at the mother: “LADY…MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!” … then stormed off down the street. (Source)

This lady was right. Britney DOES need an intervention. Might I suggest the following method next time: politely approach Ms. Spears, escort her to a quiet candle-lit corner, and calmly punch her in the throat and womb. That way she won’t be able to sing OR sully the Earth with anymore of her offspring. It’s like killing two birds with one uppercut. Did I mention I have a Ph.D in clinical psychology?

Sun UK

Britney Spears has a new man in her life, Matt Encinias. Actually “had a new man in her life” is a little more appropriate. Us Weekly and UK tabloid The Sun are both reporting that Britney Spears hooked up with the 21-year-old college student last week during a wild night at L.A.’s Standard Downtown Hotel. After a long day shooting her new music video (crazy details and pics here), Britney arrived back at the hotel at 2 AM, arranging for the pool to be reopened for her and a hand-picked group of male extras from the video. Encinias tells Us what happened next:

“Britney was the first one to undress, and then everyone else followed. I turned around and saw that she was topless and she had fake tattoos of flowers on her nipples from the shoot. I was told all she wanted to do that night was kiss a boy,” the 5’10” California native continues. “And that’s what she did. Mission accomplished.”

It was when the alcohol started running low that an inebriated Spears, 25, suggested a game of Truth or Dare. “I was dared to get naked and get out of the pool and walk as though I was on a catwalk in a fashion show,” says Encinias. “Britney was laughing really hard.” (Source)

Truth or Dare with a bipolar chick who has two babies sleeping at home. Man, it doesn’t get any hotter than that. I wish I could have played, “Britney Spears … I DARE you to pick your two children out of a lineup!”

Encinas also revealed to The Sun:

“[Britney] straddled me and put her legs around me. When I started kissing her I did everything in my power - from my previous experience of kissing girls - not to mess it up. Britney had more drinks - she was having Jack and more Mojitos in between me feeling her up, her boobs, and kissing her on her neck. Her body was very nice. It was sexual and sensual kissing. It took some effort to perfect. She is a great kisser - I’d actually say a phenomenal kisser.”

Encinias was invited back to Britney’s suite once the party was over at 4am.

“I went in and found Britney lying on the bed with her knees up and just a pair of pink panties on. She was looking like she was ready - and I wanted to finalise it.”

He was planning to spend the rest of the night in her bed — until one of his friends collapsed and nearly drowned from all the booze he had downed. Britney’s bodyguards stepped in and ordered Encinias to take his mate home.

Encinias added: “In the end we had to say our goodbyes.” (Source)

Don’t be so sad Matt. In about a month you’re gonna have a nice little souvenir from your night with Britney, if you catch my drift *wink* … No you pervert, I’m not talking about an STD, I’m talking about Britney mailing him a shot glass. She’s super thoughtful like that.

Pacific Coast News

Britney Spears and four friends stiffed their waiter at ONE Sunset Restaurant last weekend. After amassing a tab of $251 on jumbo shrimp cocktail, strip steak, cheeseburgers and chicken oysters Rockefeller, Britney left a tip of exactly zero dollars. And then she accused someone at the restaurant of stealing her camera. From E’s Planet Gossip:

At one point in the evening, Spears had staffers scrambling to look for her camera, because she said it was missing and she believed someone had stolen it. But guess where Brit’s camera was found? In her own car! (Source)

I don’t know what the big deal is, zero dollars certainly beats what Britney left her last waiter: a mild case of head lice.

Splash News

Though her custody agreement with ex-husband Kevin Federline specifically states that she is not allowed to take their two children out of California without written permission from Kevin, Britney Spears took their two children out of California without written permission from Kevin. To the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas. And then a whole bunch of shit happened. Of course it did. Entertainment Tonight Online has the details of what went down yesterday:

At 11:55 a.m. Vegas police responded to a disturbance call at the Wynn. Officers who responded say while Britney was being escorted through the hotel, her private security officer Julio Camera was involved in an altercation with a photographer trying to get pics of the pop star. The photog alleged that Camera battered him. Following an investigation, police issued Camera a citation for misdemeanor battery (pic below). A separate incident report was also filed Thursday — this time by Britney — who alleges another photographer, Kyle Henderson, battered both her security officer and one of her sons. Both incidents are currently under investigation by the L.V.M.P.D. (Source)

Haven’t we been reading for months that Britney is gonna lose custody of Jayden and Sean because of her erratic behavior? So what the hell is taking so long? And don’t give me that lame “kids are better off with their mother” excuse. Britney’s kids would be better off abandoned in a field.

Bauer-Griffin

After going back and forth over the past few days, celeb-friendly OK! magazine has decided to publish some “shocking” photos of Britney Spears in their next issue (on newsstands Friday). Last week Britney called the mag’s editor in chief wanting an interview to “set the record straight about her much-publicized personal problems.” During the interview a “completely out of it” Britney suffered “nothing less than a meltdown” One source revealed to TMZ that Britney was acting extremely erratic, fearing at one point the “ceiling was about to cave in on her.” The photoshoot was even better:

We’ve also learned that Brit had some issues with hygiene on the set as well. Britney ordered up some fried chicken to munch on. We’re told after she chowed down, she wiped her hands on a several thousand dollar Gucci dress that she was wearing for the shoot, staining it with grease. Yuck! One of her dogs also needed some assistance in the housebreaking department. Our on-set spy says that the dog pooped all over the floor, and Brit used (what else?) — a Chanel dress to clean it up! (Source)

Really who hasn’t wiped up their dog’s shit with a cute little Chanel number? If I’m paying thousands of dollars for a dress it better do more than just make me look pretty. I think most crossdressers would agree with that statement–we tend to be a very practical bunch. And what’s the big deal about going into the bathroom and coming out with a different personality? Every time I go into the can, I come out differently too … usually five pounds differently.

Britney Spears launched into a verbal tirade against a cameraman this weekend after he snapped a picture of son Sean Preston out of his car seat and on her lap while she was driving. I guess you’re not supposed to do that. According to a panel of child safety advocates, when a baby is taken out of a car seat and place on a mother’s lap while the car is in motion, his drool could get on the steering wheel which is like totally gross. Anyways, Britney yelled the following at the cameraman (video below):

“Hey baby, when are you going to get on a diet? Have you ever tried Weight Watchers, you fat fuck. Why don’t you run, you need to fuckin’ jog, you pussy. Yeah, run, run bitch.”

Just like fat camp!

According to ninemsn (Australia’s number-one interactive media company!), Britney Spears has been telling close friends that she’s pregnant yet again. As for the father … ummm, she doesn’t know. An “insider” revealed:

“She’s been secretly filling her pals in on the good news since last week,” an insider tells. “Britney is in shock herself, this definitely wasn’t planned. But she’s thrilled just the same.” As for her other two kids: “She feels like she’s raising her boys on her own and doing a fine job. Forget all the rehab drama. Brit’s stronger now and being a great mother.” (Source)

Can’t say I’m too surprised about the news. Britney’s had more loads dumped in her than a washing machine. A condom to her is just a handy little pouch to store jellybeans.

BONUS: Artist’s rendering of Britney’s house approximately two months after she gives birth:

So realistic!