Britney Spears

Britney Spears performing in San Francisco

Britney Spears was let out of her cage over the weekend to perform two shows, one on Friday at the Palms in Vegas, and the other on Sunday at the Civic Auditorium in San Francisco (the San Francisco show will be broadcast Tuesday morning on Good Morning America). As part of the festivities, Sunday was declared "Britney Spears Day" in San Francisco. I don't know what the hell that entails, but I'm assuming Britney was given some kind of novelty chocolate key to the city. The San Francisco Chronicle adds:

Andrea Landry, 16, who just happened to be selling Girl Scout cookies outside the venue when one of the staff members invited her inside, was overwhelmed. "She's such an amazing singer," she said.

One of the "staff members"? You mean Britney's assistant. "Brit Brit smells Thin Mints. Find me some Thin Mints or so help me god I will poop in my hand and throw it at you again."

*26 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears attending her son Sean's little league game in West Hills, CA (3/19)

TMZ got a hold of the contract Britney Spears' backup dancers had to sign before working on the video for her song "Hold It Against Me: (and will have to sign before she goes on tour this summer to promote her new album "Femme Fatale"). All I gotta say is that I miss the old Britney:

TMZ has obtained a non-disclosure agreement (NDA) that dancers were required to sign before working on her latest music video. It specifically states, "Contractor acknowledges that it is essential that [Britney] not be exposed to any alcohol, drugs, or controlled substances." The NDA even goes on to say that the dancers can be subjected to drug testing at any time and can be fired for failing a test or even refusing to take one.

If these dancers can't get high, how the hell are they supposed to get through an entire day of listening to Britney Spears? That's just not possible. Not many people outside of the intelligence community know this, but listening to Britney while sober was one of the "enhanced interrogation techniques" the Army used on detainees at Abu Ghraib. One suspected terrorist/confirmed goat herder actually tore his own arm off and beat himself to death with it. It was really quite spectacular.

*30 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

"Fun Britney" back in 2007

Remember Fernando Flores? He was the bodyguard who accused Britney Spears of sexual harassing him last summer by parading "naked in front of him and beckoning him into her bedroom." I know, hot stuff. A friend of his at the time told The Sun:

"[Britney] was always giving him the come on and he felt if he didn't reciprocate he could lose his job. He finally handed in his notice last week and is considering legal action. Working for Britney is tough. She's a nightmare to deal with and her emotions are totally out of control. She runs round the house naked and yelling at staff."

Nothing really ever came of it, that is, until now. From The Sun:

Britney Spears' former bodyguard is to release a series of embarrassing nude pictures he claims the singer sent him from her mobile phone. Fernando Flores has told pals he will use the "filthy" snaps in court to back his £9million sexual harassment lawsuit against the singer.

The 29-year-old ex-cop alleges Britney hoped the photos would help lure him into her bed.

Last night a friend of Flores, who claims to have seen the pictures, said: "They are really explicit images that will shock and disgust the majority of her fans. Fernando says he can prove the photos were taken on Britney's phone and sent to his mobile. He says she sent them last April when she was coming on to him on a daily basis. He left the following month.

"Some of the pictures show Britney with the camera between her legs. Others show her in provocative positions wearing lingerie. There are a few where she is naked, exposing herself in a way that she clearly hoped would make him aroused."

If this Fernando guy thinks these pictures will "shock and disgust" the majority of Britney's fans, he is sorely mistaken. If you're still a Britney fan even after all the crazy shit she did, you're pretty much in it for the long haul. Nothing can faze you. It's like being a Clippers fan.

*17 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline both attend son's Little League game

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline sorta hung out over the weekend. The two were both at their son Sean's Little League game in Calabasas -- Britney's on the left in the stands and Kevin's coaching on the right . . . yes he's wearing sandals with socks. Making things even more awkward was that Britney's current boyfriend Jason Trawick and Kevin's current girlfriend Victoria Prince were both there. Making things even more more awkward was that this was a total coincidence. Britney hangs out at this field every Sunday because she likes the nachos with chili on top -- she didn't even know her son was playing. "Can't wait to get summa that cheesy goodness in my tum-tum!"

*25 Kevin Federline and Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears is rich, bitch

Who'd have thunk it, but apparently some companies still want to be associated with Britney Spears. No, I don't mean Pfizer and Merck. From TMZ:

Sources connected to Britney's video tell TMZ ... Spears netted a cool $500,000 for various product placements in her "Hold It Against Me" video. We're told the dating site Plentyoffish.com, one of several companies featured in the vid, forked over six figures to feature their site on Brit's computer during the vid and saw immediate results ... a 20% spike in traffic the day after the video premiered.

How can we ever believe anything Britney says again? This is absolutely disgraceful behavior . . . but not as disgraceful as the amount of meat in a McDonald's Big Mac. When I'm really looking to satisfy my hunger, I reach for the new Steakhouse XT™ Burger, now available at Burger Kings nationwide. I know what you're thinking: "but Nick, how can BK fit a thick, 7 oz. beef patty, crisp lettuce, red-ripe tomatoes, onions, ketchup, and creamy mayo onto one sandwich?" Oh, I had my doubts. too. That is, until I bit into one. Honestly -- and I'm not even lying about this -- I saw Jesus.

*20 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears and LeBron James are total BFFs

Ouch, this is more embarrassing than everyone knowing that you used to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers. From the New York Post:

Britney Spears partied with LeBron James before she walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding in Florida last weekend. Spears, her boyfriend, Jason Trawick,and her recently reconciled parents, Lynne and Jamie, held court in a private area at nightclub Liv at the Fontainebleau Hotel surrounded by four security guards. But at about midnight, James joined the foursome and hung out with the family until 2 a.m.

What could LeBron and Britney possibly have talked about for two hours? The only thing those two have in common are the number of NBA Championships they've won: 0.

*25 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears outside Only Hearts boutique in Santa Monica (10/6)

Not everyone's happy that Jamie and Lynn Spears are reconciling. Take their insane daughter for example. From the National Enquirer:

You’d think Britney Spears would be thrilled to see her divorced parents get back together-instead she’s furious! The troubled performer believes the reunion will destroy her chance to gain her freedom from court-ordered supervision.

"Britney feels completely betrayed," revealed a source. "Britney used to be able to confide in Lynne about all the problems she had with her father. Lynne gave Britney hope that she could get out of the conservatorship and be on her own again. She even promised to speak to Britney’s doctors and lawyers on her behalf. Now Britney realized Lynne was going behind her back and telling Jamie everything she said."

Britney believes that Lynne was working with her father all along to manipulate her into being more cooperative-and that she did so for financial reasons. Dad Jamie, 58, earns $16,000 a month for his role as Britney’s conservator. "If Jamie were no longer her conservator, the money would stop and Lynne and Jamie would both again become dependent on Britney’s generosity for money." (Print Edition - 12/13)

Wait a second, are we supposed to believe that the pushy parents of a highly successful child star would manipulate their own progeny for personal financial gain? The hell you say! If this hadn't happened to every single famous kid I can think of since the beginning of time -- mind you, Britney is still basically a kid, I never would have believed it. Hopefully future child stars will realize that the only way to keep their mom and dad's hands off of their money is to hide it in the one place they'd never look: a parenting book.

*10 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears Pictures

Britney Spears shopping at Westfield Topanga in L.A. (12/8)

Britney Spears had sort of a rough day yesterday. Wait, where are all of her bodyguards? Why is she alone? This seems dangerous. I don't think mall security carries tranquilizer darts. Anyways, Flynet says:

12/8 - Singer Britney Spears chewing on her finger nails as she strolls through the Westfield Mall in Los Angeles, CA. Earlier Britney left her lawyers office crying and rushed over to the mall to do a little shopping. Britney didn't buy anything but maybe she should have bought the t-shirt "I Love My Haters" that was in one of the windows, especially after last weeks Tweet [in which she told Star magazine and Jason Alexander to kiss her "white southern Louisiana ass"]

Screw that "Haters" shirt, if Britney really wants everyone to leave her alone, she should buy a TapouT shirt. That's what I wear -- one size too small of course -- when I don't want anyone messing with me at the bar and making fun of how much gel I have in my hair. Occasionally someone will give me the eye, but then they see that TapouT logo and they know that I'm not to be fucked with. To be clear, I've never actually been in a real fight, but I do watch UFC, like, all the time, so I'm pretty sure I know how to handle myself.

*16 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears Pictures

Britney Spears shopping at Walmart in Woodland Hills, CA (12/7)

Could you imagine Britney Spears getting your name in the Christmas gift exchange and you end up with a god damn shirt from Walmart? I would literally slap her. "WHERE'S MY JET YOU BITCH!"

*33 Britney Spears Wal-Mart pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears says she was never abused 

Remember earlier today when I said the phone call in which Britney Spears claims her boyfriend Jason Trawick beat her up sounded "absolutely nothing like her." This may shock you but Britney says it's absolutely not her. Britney's rep told TMZ:

"Suffice it to say, Jason Trawick has never laid a hand on Britney. This is just another example of the irresponsible nature of the tabloid media relying on shoddy sources and false information for the sole purpose of selling magazines, without regard to the truth and without regard to who they hurt in the process.

"The statements attributed to Jason Alexander are completely fabrication as Britney has not had any form of communication with Mr. Alexander in years. These irresponsible statements are defamatory and Britney Spears' legal team will be taking legal action against all of the appropriate parties."

Britney's gonna sue this Jason Alexander dude for millions. I bet he loses his swanky Manhattan loft after all is said and done. Wait a minute, what's that? He actually hasn't become a titan of industry since the quickie marriage and annulment to Britney six years ago? I am shocked -- shocked -- I tell you. OK, so I guess he'll lose his '88 Pontiac Firebird. Damn, he just got a new muffler, too. Thing purred like a kitten.