Britney Spears

Britney Spears and Jason Trawick out and about in Las Vegas (12/16)

Britney Spears' upcoming wedding to Jason Trawick is going to be a very romantic affair . . . and by "romantic" I mean "fried." There's gonna be lots and lots of fried stuff. It'll basically be the wedding equivalent of a state fair. With more pig wrasslin', obviously. From the Daily Mail:

For her third time down the aisle, Britney Spears is hoping, understandably, for a low-key, traditional affair. The 30-year-old singer is alleged to be planning a traditional, Southern-style country wedding to fiancé Jason Trawick, 40.

According to US reports, Spears and Trawick will be shunning the typical Hollywood wedding in favour of a small family celebration, possible in her hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana. A source claimed to InTouch Weekly: "She wants a traditional Southern-style wedding with comfort food, surrounded by her family, her two sons and all of her childhood friends."

Yes! 2011 was a bit of a slow year for Spears & Co., but I have a feeling that 2012 will remembered as the Return of the Kookiness. If a Spears "traditional Southern-style wedding" thinks what I think it means, then I'm sure the "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" signs will be left in storage. I cant wait to see what Britney considers comfort food -- my guess is bottles of Zoloft and jugs of moonshine (cash bar). Now with Brit being who she is, there will be a modern twist to this particular wedding -- there won't be a shotgun pointed at the groom.

*24 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Jason Trawick is a gold digger

Of course the big news over the weekend was that Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are engaged. Which makes this story from Star about Jason pressuring her into getting married because he wants to raid her checking account all the more romantic:

"Britney has been feeling pressure to marry Jason, and she's telling her family that she doesn't want to do it." a Spears family insider tells Star. "Her life is just starting to be normal again. She thinks things are just fine as they are."

"Jason is a gold digger. It's obvious that's why he's pushing her to tie the knot. If he really loved Britney, he'd give her the space and time she needs, rather than be picking out rings and showing her wedding sites!"

Wow, it's like something straight out of a fairy tale.

Despite the 30-year-old's reluctance, Jason, 40, is likely to pop the question any day. "It's definitely going to happen soon, but I hope Britney thinks long and hard before she gives in and accepts."

The only thing Britney "thinks long and hard about" in her life is the menu at the Taco Bell drive-thru.

"Everyone around Britney is acting like the wedding would be her happy ending, the thing to make her happy and stable. But pushing her into a loveless marriage could end up being another huge mistake." (Print Edition - 12/19)

I'm sorry but I'm with Jason on this one. Of course he needs to marry moneybags. Do you know what happens when Britney isn't banging the help? She starts banging the help, that's what. Jason, you better get a bun in that oven before Britney realizes she's not pregnant. Now you can be a gentleman and give her room to breathe, but I don't need to tell you what happens if Britney changes her mind about your proposal -- you'll be on the outside of Britney's mansion gates looking in, watching her new love, Jose the former pool boy, drive the BMW, eat the lobster tail, and throw the cheesecake poppers into her mouth that you -- YOU -- should have been throwing. The closest you'll ever come to the Spears money train again is when you try to get Jamie Lynn to follow you on twitter. Trust me dude, schedule the wedding for tomorrow.

*30 Jason Trawick and Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears is doomed

Britney Spears fired her personal trainer? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? I mean, besides cankles, type 2 diabetes, a heart attack, etc. From In Touch Weekly:

Britney Spears’ infamous trainer Derek DeGrazio has gotten the boot for restricting her diet too much. “It was amicable,” says an insider to In Touch. Britney, 30, doesn’t want to worry about every single thing that goes into her mouth anymore. “She knows Jason loves her no matter what and he has encouraged her not to stress about it.” Adds the insider, “But Derek felt Britney made him look bad when she cheated on her diet.”

I'm not completely convinced that Britney thought this firing all the way through. I mean, sure, now Britney can be the fatso she was always doomed to be, but this means she's gonna be featured a lot more now on Celebslam. I'm neither here nor there on this one because I enjoy the easy pickins' that Britney provides, but it shouldn't be too easy. Trashing Britney Spears should be like sex: if it's too easy, then you're a slut. And if you're not crying when it's over, then I didn't do something right.

*30 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears = FAIL

Wow, Britney Spears is really lighting things up during her current tour in the UK. No, really, I think she may actually be lighting things on fire. Because she's insane. Which leads me to my next point. Why would you go to an insane woman's concert and then complain about it afterwards? From The Sun:

Britney Spears' fans have been venting their anger on social networking sites about her lacklustre UK shows.

One wrote: "Let me know when you've found your passion for performing again as your lack of interest in your routines and stage presence makes me very sad."

Britney has three remaining UK dates for her Femme Fatale tour, Newcastle, Sheffield and Manchester. And those dates still haven't sold out.

What are these people expecting when they go to a Britney Spears show? She's an overweight mother of two that looks like she should be driving her kids to soccer practice in a mini-van. Sure, 10 years ago it might have been fun to go one of her concerts with a jar of Vaseline in your trench coat pocket, but these days she produces about as much wood as Saudi Arabia.

*30 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears has REALLY been enjoying London

As part of her "Femme Fatale" tour, Britney Spears performed at the O2 Arena in London last night, and since my mom taught me that if I don't have anything nice to say, I shouldn't say anything at all, I'll just leave it at that. In related news, it looks like London sold out of fish and chips yesterday.

*30 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears leaving BBC Radio 1 studios in London (9/15)

Earlier this week in London -- for the first time in what seems like years -- Britney Spears unleashed her crazy face on the paparazzi. Hey there, old friend. I've missed you. What do you say me and you go light something on fire this weekend, just to watch it burn. Would you like that? Huh? Would you like that?

*44 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

That's Britney's "bacon-finding" gaze

Britney Spears' second-choice career: teacher . . . of reading. The irony. It is so thick. From Britney's interview with Pop Justice:

Q: But what else would be different about your life, what else would you have done?

"It would probably pretty much be the same because I’m very strong in the way I raise my kids and stuff, so it would probably be pretty much the same but career-wise I’d probably be a teacher.  I love kids and even in what I do now one of my favorite parts of my day is getting to meet my fans before the show.  Especially the little ones.  They are always so cute."

Q: Is that something you were thinking of doing when you were younger?

"Yes.  My mom was a teacher."

Q: What would be your specialist subject?

"I’d specialise in reading and history."

Can you imagine if Britney freaking Spears were teaching your kids? They'd turn out more whacked than my dick after watching the High School Cheerleading Championships on ESPN. No, the only place where Britney would have the qualifications to teach would be at a Finishing School. Lesson 1: When you're having unprotected sex with a wannabe rapper, make sure he pulls out before he finishes.

 *35 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears performing in San Jose (6/18)

I know this may shock and surprise you, but a concert tour featuring a slightly overweight mother of two on anti-depressant meds is not exactly going well. From the National Enquirer:

Britney Spears' much-hyped Femme Fatale Tour is a huge flop -  but no one wants to tell her! Shielded by her handlers - particularly her conservator/dad Jamie and her former agent-turned-fiance Jason Trawick - the 29-year-old pop princess has no idea that her new concert series is bombing with reviewers or that tickets to the show are being sold at a deep discount by the coupon website Groupon.

"Britney thinks everything is going great," said an insider. "She's clueless!" While the dance-heavy tour opened in Sacramento to a capacity crowd, the truth is that Groupon had sold a large number of tickets at nearly half-price! And in some areas of the country, Groupon didn't even sell out their one-day offers to Britney's show.

I love that Britney is selling her tickets through a site that also sells $25 worth of credit at Joe's House 'o' Fried Things for only $10. It's like it was always meant to be.

*11 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears leaving Troubadour in West Hollywood (4/22)

Britney Spears' new Summer tour is basically turning into a city-by-city version of The Biggest Loser. In related news, now would be a good time to sell your Frito-Lay stock before news of this gets out. From Fox:

You've got to feel sorry for the crew on the Britney Spears tour. The singer has given caterers strict instructions not to make any junk food because she's not allowed it. Hot dogs, pizza and cookie dough ice cream have all been blacklisted. Staff can't even look forward to having the odd beer to unwind after shows either as Brit has banned alcohol too.

Humidifiers will also be carted about after Britney heard that Beyonce uses them to protect her voice. A mini gym is also being transported to each show.

It's great that Britney has finally come to the realization that junk food ruins her appearance, but if she'd really wanted to maintain her looks, she would have stayed away from the thing that made her fatter than hot dogs and cookie dough in the first place : K-Fed's penis. I mean seriously, the only way for a chick to get fatter than by having unprotected sex with K-Fed is to marry Pierce Brosnan or change her last name to Alley.

*5 Britney Spears pictures total in the gallery:

Kevin Federline and Victoria Prince

Britney Spears will not be supporting K-Fed's fifth kid, due sometime later this year. Man, what a bitch. Oh well, I guess there's always the State of California. From the Chicago Sun Times:

Spears reportedly rolled her eyes upon hearing ex-hubby Kevin Federline’s girlfriend Victoria Prince is pregnant — and has made it clear she will not be supporting K-Fed’s fifth child. Along with the two kids Spears and Federline share, the pop superstar also reportedly helps support the two children he fathered with Shar Jackson.

Sorry Britney, with all of the money you pay K-Fed in alimony, you absolutely will end up supporting his next kid. And the one after that . . . and the one after that . . . and the one after that . . . etc. Besides, are we really sure his girlfriend is pregnant? It looks like K-Fed is actually carrying the baby weight. Hell, are we even sure that's Kevin Federline? It looks a lot more like Kevin Smith.

*10 K-Fed and Victoria Prince pictures total in the gallery: