Brad Pitt

Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp on the set of The Tourist at the Piazzale della Stazione in Venice, Italy (3/17)

Be afraid Johnny Depp's longtime girlfriend Vanessa Paradis, be very very afraid. Hmmmm, how best to break this to you . . . have you ever seen one of those nature shows on Discovery Channel about Africa? Basically, your boyfriend Johnny is the rotting dead corpse of a wildebeest and Angelina Jolie is a hungry slut lion. From the National Enquirer:

Angelina Jolie, now dazzling audiences worldwide as a sizzling superspy, got one heckuva surprise rise out of sex god Johnny Depp on the set of their new flick "The Tourist" -- stunning him with a sudden passionate kiss that was definitely NOT in the script!

Said my witness: "Angelina's flirtatious behavior with Johnny had the set buzzing. She tried hard to make him react to her charms, but he ignored every attention-getting ploy. During an emotional scene in which she's supposed to fall into his comforting arms after intense conversation, Angie made her move. Instead of putting her head on Johnny's chest, she improvised -- wrapping her arms around his neck and planting a romantic, lingering kiss. Johnny pushed Jolie away gently, but his shocked expression revealed she'd finally rattles his cage!" Quickly taking her aside, he asked why she'd changed the scene without consulting him. Smirking coyly, Jolie said the scene needed to be "spicier!" Depp kept cool, but told her firmly: "The scene was better the way it was written -- and that's the way we're going to do it!"

After the reshoot, Angie shot Johnny a sexy "Gotcha!" smile before sashaying off. Said my source: "Depp was immediately assured by producers that Angie's lip lock will never see the light of the day."

Viewing this from another angle, Brad Pitt has nothing to worry about. Angelina seducing a famous romantically-attached actor while working with him on the set of a film was just a one-time thing. I'm sure for the first time in her 35-years of life, she actually likes having sex with the same person day-after-day-after-day-after-day and isn't get bored whatsoever. The real question here is how Johnny was able to resist her advances? Either that guy's had so much poon thrown in his face that he's become immune to it or he's gayer than the volleyball scene in Top Gun.

*10 photos total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie's sexy new tattoo

No, this is not a repeat of last week's story. From the New York Daily News:

The 35-year-old actress flashed a new tattoo on her inner thigh in the August issue of Vanity Fair, a week after premiering some new swirls on her arm at the Mexican premiere of "Salt."

Jolie’s new ink was exposed when she posed in short shorts for the fashion magazine's cover spread.

"Um, it's for Brad," she told MTV News when asked about the body art.

Angelina got a tattoo on her inner thigh just for Brad? For her uterus' sake, let's hope it says "Wear a condom." Seriously, that thing needs a rest. I bet if doctors removed it, it'd look like one of those abandoned islands in the Pacific where the military tests weapons.

*10 pictures total in the gallery:

Brad Pitt at the premiere of Kick-Ass at the Empire Leicester Square in London (3/22)

We almost lost Brad Pitt to Scientology. The tin foil hat-wearing freaks had their hooks in him in the early 90s, but he somehow managed to break free. From the UK tabloid The Daily Star:

Brad Pitt was a prime target for Scientology recruiters before he met Angelina Jolie, a new book claims. He was introduced to the oddball cult by his girlfriend at the time, actress Juliette Lewis. The two became regular visitors to the Scientology Celebrity Center in LA. Official church records reveal Pitt completed two courses - one of which was entitled “Human Evaluation” - at the centre in July 1991 and May 1993.

Author, Amy Scobee, says: “In the end, Brad didn’t think it was for him and he and Juliette broke up.”

But Scientology leaders didn’t give up on Pitt, now 46. Scobee, a member of the church for ten years, adds: “He was high on the church president’s list of stars they felt could be ‘recovered’. There are many household names on that list and they never, ever give up hope of another major catch like Tom Cruise.”

Boy, Brad dodged a bullet on this one. Can you imagine how weird his life would have been if he had converted to Scientology? The rallies, the secret handshakes, the constant media scrutiny -- it would have been a complete 180 from the totally normal life he lives now with his bisexual mistress life-partner and six kids from four different wombs and three different continents.

*26 pics total in the gallery:

Jennifer Aniston arriving to the set of her new film Just Go With It in Santa Monica (4/7)

In a story that definitely wasn't planted by her publicist to get back at that backstabbing bitch Angelina Jolie, In Touch Weekly claims that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have been secretly hooking up. Yeah, sure they are:

In an exclusive interview, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s former bodyguard reveals that since Brad and his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston reconnected at the 2009 Academy Awards, they have hooked up four times — three times in LA and once in New York — and even recently shared a passionate kiss. “I know that he still loves her,” the ex-bodyguard Bill, who for security reasons chooses only to be identified by his first name, tells In Touch.

In fact, there was one date that Bill says brought them closer than ever — and since then, their relationship has heated up even more. Brad and Jen arranged a secret meeting at the trails off of Western Canyon Road in Beverly Hills on December 9, Bill says. At 3:30p.m., Jen pulled up to the location in her Bentley, and Brad arrived on his motorcycle. After Brad climbed into Jen’s passenger seat, “They were very cozy, clearly embracing,” Bill reveals for the first time. “Several times, Brad and Jen were hugging and kissing.” After talking and nuzzling for about 30 to 40 minutes, Bill, who was on “paparazzi watch,” advised the pair that they should leave, as photographers were spotted just a few miles away. “Jennifer left first, flashing Brad a quick peace sign and a smile,” says Bill. “Brad jogged back to his motorcycle, drove off and went for an hour bike ride.”

This bodyguard says that for "security reasons" he just wants to go by his first name? Obviously he's not very good at security. Unless Brad has 50 guys named "Bill" on his payroll, this guy's going to stick out more than Nicole Kidman at the Million Man March. Hopefully this whole ordeal has taught Brad how to keep his employees from spilling secrets to the media: always pay your Bill.

Angelina Jolie and Jon Voight reconcile

In August 2002, in an interview with Access Hollywood, Jon Voight pleaded for his daughter Angelina Jolie to get help for her "serious mental problems." He later told People: "I'm a desperate father. I'm trying to reach her. I just pray to God she hears me." Not surprisingly, Angelina was pretty pissed at Jon and the two didn't talk for years. Not helping matters was the fact that Jon didn't even know the names of Angelina's kids:

Voight (on the red carpet for the 4th Annual BAFTA Tea Party in England): Maddox just had a birthday. Happy birthday, Maddox! 5 years old—it's a big one! You're getting to be a young man, and I send my love to you. And send my love to...uh...Shakira...and...Shahira... [To reporter] Is it Shakira or Shahira?
Reporter: Zahara.
Voight: Shahara! Shahara!

Well I guess everything's cool now between Angelina and Jon because there's the two of them (and Brad Pitt and Za-something) in Venice yesterday. Jon is so screwed. Has he been following the news? Does he realize how many new grandchildren he gained since the last time Angelina and him talked? He's gonna need a home equity loan to buy everyone birthday and Christmas presents. If I was him, I'd go on Access Hollywood again -- like, tomorrow -- and call Angelina a filthy cunt or something.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt leaving the set of Salt in New York (12/29)

There were some reports this weekend that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie broke up. Specifically, News of the World said:

HOLLYWOOD golden pair Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have seen DIVORCE lawyers and signed a £205 million split deal, we can reveal.  Dynamite legal papers secretly signed by the couple this month detail how all their homes and assets will be carved up.

The agreement gives them joint custody of the kids - but all six will actually live full-time with their mum. Preparations for a split began in early December when "Brangelina" visited a top Los Angeles divorce firm to begin thrashing out the deal.

People magazine countered:

While reports are swirling that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are headed for a split, multiple sources close to the family tell PEOPLE that the rumors are false.

"Everything is fine" with the couple, who are parents to six kids, a source says.

Another source says the split reports, which were first published in a British tabloid, are "totally false."

Should we really be reporting these rumors anymore? Brad and Angelina have been dating for five years and have already broken up -- according to tabloids -- approximately 927 times. They break up more than a lithium atom when impacted by a high speed electron in a coplanar geometry. Am I right or am I right!

Angelina Jolie leaving the Broadway showing of Mary Poppins (1/3)

Sorry for the deceiving headline. I thought titling this story "Angelina Jolie is a cheating bitch" might have gotten me sued. From In Touch Weekly:

In an exclusive interview with In Touch, an ex-employee of the Waldorf-Astoria in New York claims that Angelina has been cheating on Brad. Anna Kowalski, a housekeeper who speaks several languages and was often assigned to the hotel’s most high-profile guests, worked extensively with the family on their numerous visits to the hotel over the past four years. Anna tells In Touch the affair took place over the summer when Brad and the kids were at their rented mansion on Long Island, N.Y., and Angelina was staying at the hotel by herself while shooting her movie Salt.

According to Anna, Angelina more than once took visits from a tall, dark-haired man — who was one of her dialect coaches from the movie. “She would see the tutor while a bodyguard stood entrance at the suite,” Anna adds that, after one late-night meeting with the tutor in mid-July, Anna personally saw what looked like evidence of a night of passion. Once she got into the room, Anna shares, she was shocked by what she saw. “The room was a disaster,” she explains. “There was water all over the bathroom and empty vodka bottles everywhere. Every towel had been used. And over five dozen cattleya orchids were scattered around the room, and there were the tops of the flowers in the tub, with candles.” Once Anna got into the bedroom, she shares, she got an eyeful. “The bed was covered with black rubber sheets, and there were sex toys on it,” she reveals.

If the two most beautiful people in the world can't stay faithful to each other, how are the rest of us supposed to? I guess this Anna chick could be just jumping to conclusions. Considering her deviant sexual past, the fact that Angelina had multiple sex toys scattered around her hotel room doesn't necessarily mean she was cheating -- it means it was Wednesday.

Brad Pitt at the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds in Berlin (7/28)

Brad Pitt used to have a pretty carefree life -- getting stoned whenever he wanted to -- until those damn kids had to come along and ruin everything. From RadarOnline:

[Pitt] told Bill Maher that he gave up marijuana when he began building his brood with partner Angelina Jolie. On Maher's HBO show Real Time, the gray-haired comedian waxed on a talent Pitt had for rolling joints. Maher recalled a New Year's Eve party where Pitt "just, all night, rolled these perfect joints. The most perfect joins I've ever seen."

Pitt countered with "I'm an artist."

In all seriousness, he explained that he gave up the green stuff in order to keep up with the busy pack--which includes Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox.

"I'm a dad now, and you want to be alert."

The real reason Brad quit smoking the sticky is because it was making him paranoid . . . that Angelina would come home with another fucking kid. If I had that many children running around my house, I'd definitely be stoned 24/7. Because if there's one thing kids love, it's a parent with an imagination. "Hey kids, let's have candy and ice cream for lunch and then stare at the fish tank for an hour!"

Brad Pitt is drunk

Brad Pitt really enjoyed the after-party for the Inglourious Basterds premiere in Berlin last night. I wonder if he drunk dials his exes like the rest of us do?

"Hello?"

"Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnifer."

"Dammit Brad, I told you to stop calling me like this."

"Jennifer. Jennnnnnn. Jennnnnnnny."

"What Brad?"

"Guess whose vagina I was in last night..."

*click*

Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds at the Cannes Film Festival (5/20)

While it looks like those breakup rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren't true, things aren't exactly going well in their relationship. Her birthday party earlier this month in Long Island (which Brad flew in from L.A. for) was a disaster. And it's all thanks to that no good bitch Jennifer Aniston. A "close friend" of the couple's told In Touch Weekly:

"Brad made an effort to be with Angie. He was really hoping they would get along and enjoy themselves. Things were going fine, and then Angie started accusing Brad of meeting Jen in LA. It turned into a massive blowup, which left Brad more disillusioned than ever."

According to another pal, Brad didn’t stick around to argue. "He told her straight out that he’s had enough and was out of there," the pal reveals. Four days later, Brad was spotted visiting Angelina on the Washington, D.C., set of her film Salt. But the pal says they’re just going through the motions for appearance’s sake. "Angelina has cried a lot of tears over Brad." Another confidante agrees: "This split has been simmering for months, and unless something drastic happens, it is going to boil over very soon. The only thing keeping Brad from officially walking out is their six kids."

It's obvious why Brad keeps reducing Angelina to tears: he's insensitive cheating with Jen discovered what most guys already know about sex -- it's better when she cries. Oh, and I don't think it's the six kids that's keeping Brad from "officially walking out," it's Angelina's vindictive nature. Any guy that walks out on her, better be prepared to wake up with a horse's head in their bed . . . still attached to the horse.