Archive: Brad Pitt

Angelina Jolie is stressed out

The stress of dealing with two newborn babies is killing Angelina Jolie. After collapsing twice recently, the actress and mother of six was diagnosed with exhaustion by doctors. A source told UK tabloid Now:

“She’s in tears up to three times a day and so tired that Brad’s found her collapsed asleep in the bath twice. She’s been working around the clock, breast-feeding the babies and trying to get them to sleep. But as soon as one of them drops off, the other wakes up for another feed. She’s also not eating very much right now and blames that on being busy. The doctor says that she needs more calories to gain strength and ensure that her breast milk is healthy.” (Source)

Is anyone surprised Angelina’s passed out twice recently? Turning your vadge into a makeshift clown car and house into an orphanage is probably exhausting! If Angelina continues to find that she’s not reaching her necessary daily intake of calories, there is one proven weightgain technique that always seems to work: swallowing. Just ask THIS guy.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Angelina’s photospread flops

Even though People magazine dropped millions on the exclusive first pics of Brad and Angelina’s impossible perfect twins, the issue bombed. You mean it was a bad idea to pay mid-seven-figures for baby pictures when the babies don’t even have something cool like a horn (People and Hello! split the estimated $12-$14 million cost)? I mean, who could have seen that coming? From CoverAwards:

According to an industry source exclusively to CoverAwards, the People Magazine cover featuring Brad Pitt and Angelina’s twins allegedly sold 2.5 million copies on the newsstand.

What were they expecting to sell? If this is the case, it would be a “huge disappointment as Time Inc. was predicting it would be well over 3 million after spending nearly $6 million,” according to the source. (Source)

What’s even more surprising is that Time Inc. actually sold 2.5 million copies in the first place. Who pays money for a couple of baby pictures when you can see those same pics on the Internet for free? It’s just like porn. Why buy expensive videos when the Internet has all the amputee porn you could ever masturbate to normal porn that’s definitely not weird you could ever need? If I really wanted to pay for something I could get for free off of the Internet, I’d buy a CD.

Shiloh and one of the twins

Holy shit. The only way that pic could possibly be any cuter is if Shiloh was balancing a puppy on top of her head.

UPDATE: That was fast. Had to take them down.

[ONTD]

The Jolie-Pitt twins

Brad and Angelina unveiled their newborn twins on Sunday, Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline. People and Hello! paid $14 million combined for the exclusive (People gets USA rights and Hello! gets International rights.). The newborns look exactly like . . . newborns. There’s really nothing distinguishing about them. So go ahead and waste five bucks buying this week’s issue of People if you want to see pictures of what pretty much every newborn looks like — times two. The only way I’d pay that much to see someone’s baby pictures is if their baby had a horn or a birthmark on their back that looked like the Virgin Mary.

Brad Pitt riding an ATV in his French compound “Miraval” (7/22)

Brad Pitt took his daughter out for a spin on the ol’ ATV yesterday on his French compound. You’ll note that his 2-year-old daughter Shiloh is riding on his lap. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . OH MY GOD EVERYBODY IN THE MEDIA FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!!!

UPDATE: Had to take the pics down. Pitt and Jolie are suing anybody who even thinks about pics taken inside their compound.

Angelina Jolie gives birth to fraternal twins

After weeks of false alarms (see here and here), Angelina Jolie finally gave birth to her twins — a boy and a girl — late Saturday night in Nice, France. The picture below is the mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, showing the birth certificates for Angelina and Brad’s new kids, Knox Leon and sister Vivienne Marcheline, on Sunday. He told reporters assembled outside Fondation Lenval hospital:

“On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple in the world, who have chosen our city for this happy event. We are truly honored and thankful to have them here.” (Source)

For those of you keeping score at home, Angelina and Brad now have six kids. Which, coincidentally, is the perfect number of people to form an elite crew of international cat burglars. I’m just saying, those kids have been a little too quiet lately.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Not pictured: peace and quiet

Angelina Jolie hasn’t even given birth to her twins yet and she already wants to adopt another kid. An insider told OK! magazine:

“Angie and Brad have wanted an African boy for the last couple of years. They were initially going to have that adoption follow the addition of Pax last year, but that all changed when Angie got pregnant with twins last fall.”

Now the adoption will have to take place after the twins are born. The in-the-know source said the pair was well into the process of adopting a baby from Ethiopia before learning of Angelina’s latest pregnancy. (Source)

This is getting ridiculous. Brad and Angelina are turning into my grandmother (minus the soiled underwear and boring stories about condoms costing only a nickel). But instead of collecting little porcelain dolls, these two ego-maniacs are collecting the real thing. I just hope that Brad and Angelina realize (unlike grammy) that the main difference between kiln-glazed figurines and real people is that when you eventually grow tired of them, you can’t resell them on Craigslist . . . unless of course you’re these people.

[Pacific Coast News]

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are obscenely rich

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie dropped $140,000 earlier this month at popular L.A. baby boutique Petit Tresor on a nursery for their soon-to-be-born twin girls . . . actually $140,101 if you count the c note Brad used to light his cigar as he was exiting the store and the one dollar bill he crumpled up and threw at a homeless beggar. The New York Daily News has the details.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are preparing their L.A. manse for their twin girls. With the help of baby boutique Petit Tresor, the erstwhile Mr. and Mrs. Smith have created a $140,000 nursery that puts J.Lo and Marc Anthony’s baby haven to shame. Team Jolie-Pitt bought organza bassinets ($800), Versailles-style cribs ($3,200) with matching changing tables ($2,800), armoires ($4,500) and silk gliders. They even installed two pink crystal chandeliers for the girls at a cost of $899 each. But the couple bought basics, too, like loads of oh-so-practical cashmere baby toys. We also hear it took a team of three people from the store to assemble the nursery. (Source)

With the exclusive first pictures of their newborns rumored to be commanding $15 million+ from tabloids, word is that team of three Petit Tresor sent included one person to actually assemble the nursery and two to set up hidden cameras. Amateurs. With seven feet of coaxial cable, a 24 bit binary router, and a high resolution auto-focus Samsung SC-HMX10, that kind of invasive surveillance could have easily been set up in 12-13 minutes by just one person. I heard.

[Getty]

Brad Pitt hearts furniture

Brad Pitt dropped hundreds of thousands of dollars on furniture yesterday at the Design Miami/Basel fair in Switzerland. Among his purchases were 4,000 couches and 1,500 tables. Kidding. Pitt bought two of those chairs above @ $25k each, the lamp (price undisclosed), and the table below ($293,000). He also bought a rug made of aluminum thread that runs $175/sq foot, and is rumored to be interested in a fiberglass sofa that costs $300,000. Fair director Loic Le Gaillard told Bloomberg News:

“Most people come to Basel to look at contemporary art, but it’s completely overwhelming,” said Le Gaillard. “Then they come to the design fair and it’s quiet. They can see contemporary works that are affordable and refreshingly accessible.”

Pitt’s 4-foot-long “Cinderella Table,” from an edition of six, is hewn from a solid block of Carrara marble. Another version of the table was among 16 pieces that the gallery had sold by the second afternoon of the fair, said Le Gaillard. (Source)

In related news, I have a pretty sweet bookcase in my living room that I built of stolen cinder blocks and boards. Thing’s easily got another five years of life in it.

Angelina did not give birth

So remember last week when I posted that thing about Angelina Jolie having her babies? Entertainment Tonight claimed a source “close to the actress” confirmed that Jolie had given birth in France. Jolie’s rep called bullshit and over the next few days we had a gay old time laughing and pointing at ET. But who duped the news outlet? Jolie’s law firm has put the media on notice that a “random impostor” posing as Jolie’s assistant has been dishing out “fictionalized tips.” From the New York Daily News:

The legal letter warned, “This is a fake. A scam on the media and the public.” The real name of the person who posed as Jolie’s assistant - and duped “Entertainment Tonight” into reporting the premature birth of the Brangelina twins - has been located, we hear. A source tells The News’ Nancy Dillon that Jolie’s camp is investigating whether the unnamed impersonator “actively sought out” the attention of the media or “simply replied” to inquiries sent by an “ET” producer. (Source)

It’s pretty obvious who the “random impostor” was. Her first name begins with Jennifer and her last name ends with Aniston. Another clue the fake announcement was made by Jen: the email’s originated from a Baskin-Robbins. Of course this trickery could have been orchestrated by the originator of tasteless humor and over the top pranks: Ashton Kutcher Clay Aiken’s stylist.

[BauerGriffinOnline]