Brad Pitt at the German premiere of Inglourious Basterds in Berlin (7/28)
Brad Pitt used to have a pretty carefree life -- getting stoned whenever he wanted to -- until those damn kids had to come along and ruin everything. From
RadarOnline:
[Pitt] told Bill Maher that he gave up marijuana when he began building his brood with partner Angelina Jolie. On Maher's HBO show Real Time, the gray-haired comedian waxed on a talent Pitt had for rolling joints. Maher recalled a New Year's Eve party where Pitt "just, all night, rolled these perfect joints. The most perfect joins I've ever seen."
Pitt countered with "I'm an artist."
In all seriousness, he explained that he gave up the green stuff in order to keep up with the busy pack--which includes Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh and twins Vivienne and Knox.
"I'm a dad now, and you want to be alert."
The real reason Brad quit smoking the sticky is because it was making him paranoid . . . that Angelina would come home with another fucking kid. If I had that many children running around my house, I'd definitely be stoned 24/7. Because if there's one thing kids love, it's a parent with an imagination. "Hey kids, let's have candy and ice cream for lunch and then stare at the fish tank for an hour!"
Brad Pitt is drunk Brad Pitt
really enjoyed the after-party for the
Inglourious Basterds premiere in Berlin last night. I wonder if he drunk dials his exes like the rest of us do?
"Hello?"
"Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnifer."
"Dammit Brad, I told you to stop calling me like this."
"Jennifer. Jennnnnnn. Jennnnnnnny."
"What Brad?"
"Guess whose vagina I was in last night..."
*click*
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds at the Cannes Film Festival (5/20)
While it looks like
those breakup rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren't true, things aren't exactly going well in their relationship. Her birthday party earlier this month in Long Island (which Brad flew in from L.A. for) was a disaster. And it's all thanks to that no good bitch Jennifer Aniston. A "close friend" of the couple's told
In Touch Weekly:
"Brad made an effort to be with Angie. He was really hoping they would get along and enjoy themselves. Things were going fine, and then Angie started accusing Brad of meeting Jen in LA. It turned into a massive blowup, which left Brad more disillusioned than ever."
According to another pal, Brad didn’t stick around to argue. "He told her straight out that he’s had enough and was out of there," the pal reveals. Four days later, Brad was spotted visiting Angelina on the Washington, D.C., set of her film Salt. But the pal says they’re just going through the motions for appearance’s sake. "Angelina has cried a lot of tears over Brad." Another confidante agrees: "This split has been simmering for months, and unless something drastic happens, it is going to boil over very soon. The only thing keeping Brad from officially walking out is their six kids."
It's obvious why Brad keeps reducing Angelina to tears: he's
insensitive cheating with Jen discovered what most guys already know about sex -- it's better when she cries. Oh, and I don't think it's the six kids that's keeping Brad from "officially walking out," it's Angelina's vindictive nature. Any guy that walks out on her, better be prepared to wake up with a horse's head in their bed . . . still attached to the horse.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds at the Cannes Film Festival (5/20)
The
National Enquirer is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have officially split up. The final straw for Angelina was apparently Brad's continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie, karma. Karma, Angelina Jolie. Pleased you two could meet. A source told the tabloid:
"They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family. It's an official split. Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he'll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split."
It's gonna be ridiculous how much rebound sex Brad Pitt's gonna have over the next month. I think the best analogy would be to imagine Brad's penis as a loose fire hose, turned on to full blast, whipping and spraying everywhere. But instead of fireman getting soaked, it'll be a bunch of random club whores.
Wow, that analogy was truly beautiful.
Angelina Jolie filming Salt in New York (3/21)
The air is crisp, the flowers are blooming, and the birds are chirping. The Angelina Jolie pregnancy rumor season is officially upon us.
Star brings us the first one:
In the April 27 issue of Star — on sale today! — we exclusively reveal that Hollywood's most famous parents, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, are adding another child to their clan.
"Yes, Angie is pregnant," a family insider tells Star. "They'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible."
A source close to the actress confirms that Angie is about two and a half months along. "She's thrilled. She said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" But she kept the news from Brad, only telling him when he returned from a trip to New Orleans at the end of March. "It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them," says one source.
In summary, she's definitely not knocked up. There have been countless pregnancy rumors about Angelina over the past few years. If they were all true she'd have 25 babies and a reality show on TLC by now. "Tune in this Sunday for the season premiere of
Brad, Angelina, and Her Amazing Clown Car Vagina."
Jennifer Aniston on the set of her movie The Baster in New York (4/9)
You know who Jennifer Aniston would pretty much do anything to get back together with Brad Pitt? I mean,
she saved his old answering machine messages for Christ's sake. Well now the
National Enquirer wants us to believe it was Jen who broke up with Brad and not the other way around. LOL! An insider told the tabloid:
"Jen was champing at the bit to divorce Brad long before they announced their separation in January 2005. When Brad revealed the depth of his relationship with Angelina, it was painful for Jen, but she was almost relieved."
The once-tight golden couple had drifted apart due to career demands and the fallout from a miscarriage that Jen suffered about two years into the marriage, according to the source.
"After Jen lost the baby, she and Brad could never again agree on when they would have kids, and they continued to grow apart," said the insider. "But Jennifer is the one who wanted out, and she worked it so that Brad was portrayed as the instigator. In the end, she got the sympathy, while Brad got Angelina Jolie and the label of 'bad guy.'"
The "insider" later revealed that Germany actually won World War II, Costa Rica was the first country to send a man to the Moon, and something about President McCain.
Brad Pitt leaving an office building in Beverly Hills (2/22)
According to the
National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's "fairytale romance" has imploded. Wow, who could have seen that coming. Put your hand down
Jennifer. I mean it. We're not in class. From the tabloid:
Brad Pitt has moved out after a furious bust-up with Angelina Jolie - and friends fear the couple is heading for an ugly legal battle that will tear their family apart! The Enquirer has also learned Brad plans to ask for custody of ALL six children if their split ends up in court, where a judge may have to work out who gets what of their $200 million fortune.
Insiders say the couple's fairytale romance imploded when Brad, 45, confronted Angelina over not devoting enough time to him, while he's been caring for their children - Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and 8-month-old twins Knox and Vivienne.
"It ended up with a big shouting match," an insider told The Enquirer. "They may end up splitting for good, and if it comes to that, Brad is going to ask for custody of all the children," the insider said. (Source)
This story is fake for one obvious reason: No guy on earth would want sole custody of six kids -- especially if three of them aren't even yours. What's more likely is that a guy would actually pay his ex to keep his annoying kids as far away from him as possible. These payments would be for the children's welfare and presumably made on a monthly basis -- as a kind of "support" if you will. If only there were a legal term for that type of arrangement . . .
Trouble in paradise?
If you get caught fucking the nanny and the worse thing that happens is that you have to sleep in another room for a few nights, I think you're still ahead of the game. From
Star:
In the April 6 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that Angie is still furious over catching Brad with one of the family nannies and has kicked him out of their bedroom. While the couple once caused a stir with their loud lovemaking at an African resort, now Angelina won't let Brad near her at home. "Angie is still very angry over the nanny thing," an insider tells Star. "Right now, the separate bedrooms arrangement seems to be the best thing for them. Brad doesn't want to face her cold fury every night."
Brad is so unhappy about sleeping solo that he's even taken to "camping out" with the kids in sleeping bags inside little tents in their rooms. "He tells them it's because Mommy's working late again, but it's really because she banned him from their bedroom," the insider adds. (Source)
At least one good thing will result from these two not sleeping in the same bed: no more children -- Brad's probably happy for the reprieve. Any Joe Schmo can take care of six kids, but seven? That's just too much. And why is Angelina jealous of their nanny anyway? The only way this nanny could possibly be more desirable than Angelina is if she had
bigger tits bigger lips less kids.
Angelina Jolie on the set of Salt in New York (3/13)
Angelina Jolie's laying down the law with Brad Pitt, tell him his mom can't move into
the $60 million estate the couple is renting in Long Island. In Angelina's defense, the house is only 22,000 square feet. From the
National Enquirer:
The Changeling star put the kibosh on Jane Pitt moving in to help with their kids because she felt it was too close for comfort, an insider told The Enquirer. The A-list couple have an agreement that while one of them works, the other looks after their six children, and Angelina - who's filming the spy thriller Salt - was incensed when Brad turned to his mom for help, said the source.
"Angelina feels Brad should be able to handle the kids on his own, and she saw his request for help as a cop-out," said the insider. "She cared for the kids while Brad made his last film in Germany, so she feels it's his turn, and she told him to tell his mother they didn't need her help. What Angie says goes." (Source)
Guys, this is exactly why you don't hook up with a chick that collects kids faster than you collect notches on your bedpost (basically a richer version of the OctoMom). Sooner or later they're going to want
welfare you to take care of their six children all by yourself. Of course, since Brad can afford to rent a $60 million estate, it's safe to assume he could have just avoided this whole situation by hiring a nanny . . . or pulling out.
Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt in 2000Jennifer Aniston mentioned
a few weeks ago how she still has all the original answering machine messages that her exes have left her through the years. Well the
National Enquirer has a little more on that . . . and by "more" I mean RUN JOHN MAYER, RUN!!!!!!!!! A friend of the star's told the tabloid:
"Jen still loves Brad dearly. Even four years after their divorce, there's still a chunk of her heart that belongs to him. Jen has a box in the back of her walk-in closet where she keeps old taped voice mail messages, love letters and romantic doodlings from Brad. Bizarrely, she still often listens to the tapes and looks at his letters and drawings.
"Jen is very sentimental, but she's also still deeply in love with Brad. She keeps Valentine's Day cards and little trinkets from ex-boyfriends, but it's the Brad-related souvenirs that Jen cherishes the most. When she feels nostalgic, she'll listen to the tapes. She feels it's therapeutic." (Print Edition - 3/2)
Wow, Jen carries around more baggage than Mariah Carey's skycap (AKA Nick Cannon). She's still so infatuated with Brad, at this point it wouldn't surprise me to learn that she sprinkles her morning cereal with some old hair of his she found in a shower drain. Tune in next week when we discover that Jen hasn't washed the sheets since Brad left or disturbed the closet full of clothes he hastily left behind, despite her friends' pleas to call animal control to kick out the family of 'coons that lives within. "YOU TOUCH THAT CLOSET AND I WILL GUT YOU LIKE A COMMON FISH!"
