Brad Pitt

"Duhhhhhhhhhhh..."

Brad Pitt should be thankful for every step he takes, sunset he sees, and fan he bangs, because he was almost murdered by Mike Tyson back in the late 80s. Via the San Francisco Chronicle:

Former boxer Mike Tyson still chuckles about the day he faced off with his estranged wife Robin Givens' new man Brad Pitt at her home. The fighter was hoping to "sneak in" a quick sex session with his ex before filing divorce papers, and he was not expecting the actress to have company when he called round.

Tyson tells Yahoo sports anchor Graham Bensinger, "I guess Brad got there earlier than I did... I was getting a divorce, I was going to my lawyer's office... but I wanted to sneak in a quickie... Before I would go to my lawyer's office to say she's a pig... I would go to her house and have sex with her. This particular day someone beat me to the punch."

It was awkward at the time, but Tyson insists he doesn't hold a grudge: "I hope Brad don't think I'm mad at him... I was mad as hell (at the time). You should have saw his face when he saw me!"

Wow, I can't believe that two decades later we're finding out that Brad Pitt was giving Robin Givens the hard salami. What's even more surprising is that the Mike Tyson of those days decided against pulling out Brad's spleen and shoving it up his rectum. See how you children are lucky to be living today? Back then, if you wanted to know about celebrity gossip you had to go to a magical place called a newspaper stand and buy what our forefathers called a "magazine." Magazines were like giant Applebee's menus, except with more pages and less content. Yeah, in the good ol' days, Mike Tyson sold a lot of magazines -- you could say he was the lithographic Lindsay Lohan of his day, only slightly less insane.

*20 Mike Tyson pictures total in the gallery:

Brad Pitt in New Orleans (3/9)

Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt his very own helicopter. Did I mention Brad Pitt, the actor, is not an experienced helicopter pilot? Gee, what could possibly go wrong? No, I mean besides a fiery death. From The Sun:

Angelina Jolie certainly doesn’t mess around when it comes to boys’ toys. She has forked out almost 1 million pounds on a helicopter and flying lessons for fiance Brad Pitt - and it’s not even his birthday.

A source said of the movie couple: "They’ve had a helicopter pad installed in the grounds of their south of France home, Chateau Miraval. So Ange thought it would be nice to buy Brad a helicopter as a surprise present. In particular, they would like to be able to fly to and from Cannes. But even though Brad has his private pilot’s licence, he still needs to take a few flying lessons - which he’ll start straight away."

That's great, isn't if, folks? Sure, there's a recession going on and a couple of you might be reading this as a way to blow off some steam from being jobless. And maybe yours truly has to make due with a mix of ketchup and mustard for sustenance every couple of weeks because sometimes things are slow. To show solidarity with the working stiffs, what does the former Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees buy for Willy? On a whim, no less? The scarecrow buys him a helicopter. A FUCKING HELICOPTER. Now that's the kind of over-the-top obscene decadence that only a one percenter can appreciate. Touche, Angie. The next time you lecture America about forgiving debt to Third World countries, can you do me a favor? Save the speech and skip a meal. You're almost 100 pounds, tubby.

*15 Brad Pitt pictures total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie outside Boulevard3 nightclub in Hollywood last year

Angelina Jolie has supposedly dropped 15+ pounds since sinking her hooks into Brad Pitt in 2004 and now weighs less than 100 pounds. So? Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy. From the National Enquirer:

"Brad [Pitt] doesn't come out and demand his women be skinny, but in a not-so-subtle manner, he drops hits," revealed a close source. "If he's constantly comparing his current girlfriend with his exes, it has to start making them feel self-conscious about their bodies."

When Angelina, 36, first met Brad on the set of "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" in 2004, she weighed 115 pounds, which seemed healthy for her 5-foot-7 frame.

"But now she's wasting away at less than 100 pounds!" declared an insider. (Print Edition - 5/21)

OK, I'm confused. Juliette Lewis is either lying about that whole "Brad has a small penis" claim or she needs to add a few reps to her Kegel regimen, because Angelina is doing something that women only do for hung guys like me. It just goes to show that all of the self-empowered girl power horseshit goes right out the window when you're filled properly. So what if Brad likes his women on the thin side? Mr. Pitt is the reason why Mr. & Mrs. Smith wasn't Angelina's last movie, so I don't think that a couple of fingers down her throat every now and again is too high a price. It's just a romantic way to say thank you. Angie, don't listen to the jealous fatties, do what you have to to keep the breadwinner happy.

*25 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie leaving the Roosevelt Hotel in L.A. (4/16)

Angelina Jolie is already walking around without her engagement ring on. Oh yeah, this is gonna end well. From In Touch Weekly:

"She isn't fond of it," a friend confides to In Touch. "Nothing against Brad's design. She's just never been enamored of white diamonds. Emeralds are her favorite. And she's been complaining that Brad's choice of the 10-carat diamond, rather than an emerald, shows how little he knows her."

Of course, her hissy fit over the ring shows a lot about her, as well. "She's so demanding," an insider says. "She's acting like a bridezilla."

Now do you see, Brad? Do you understand the profoundly stupid mistake you made by dumping America's sweetheart (not you, Bieber) for the definition of the phrase "insufferable twat?" Now you're suffering, and for what? Sure, Jennifer Aniston is probably a bit pedestrian in the sack, but it beats the hell out of hooking up with a chick so obviously into pegging (remember the rubber sheets incident?). Now look you at you, Brad. You're an A-lister with hurt feelings, a ring your future ex-wife absolutely despises, and most likely a perforated colon. You have all that misery just because Jennifer Aniston hates children and takes rape showers immediately after the deed is done. Jennifer is by far the bigger star, way hotter, and just more likeable than skin and bones Jolie. Angelina is the type of girl all attached women fear: the kind who are hot, but aging, and don't see anything wrong with spending hours on end on their knees. Wrong pick, dude. I know it, you know it, and worst of all, the plebs know it. Is it too late to go running back to Jen? Probably not. You're still Brad Fucking Pitt, and Jennifer Aniston, after everything that's been said and done, is still just a chick with needs.

*15 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie leaving the Roosevelt Hotel in West Hollywood (4/16)

Wow, if not for all the reports about Brad Pitt proposing to Angelina Jolie (Life & Style says it happened all the way back in December), you wouldn't have even known that they were engaged. Angelina certainly wasn't flaunting her ring yesterday as she was leaving the Roosevelt Hotel in West Hollywood. Nope.

NOTE: People says Angelina's ring is probably around 10 carats and set Brad back $1 million . . . which happens to be the exact amount of the refund he's getting for claiming all of his kids on his taxes. Get it? Because he has so many. Get it? . . . Hello? Is this thing on? *taps microphone*

*20 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:

Maddox Jolie-Pitt in 2005, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt last week

In a scandal that will no doubt rock Hollywood to its core, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's daughter Shiloh was spotted last week in New Orleans wearing the same shirt that her brother Maddox was seen wearing in 2005. Aw man, that's gotta suck if you're Shiloh. Your parents are worth a kajillion dollars and you're wearing hand-me-downs from one of their rentals. That's bullshit. If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were my parents, I'd wear nothing but rare manuscripts.

*5 Maddox and Shiloh pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Monday, March 5

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and their kids at McDonald's in L.A. (pics start here)

Jordana Brewster leaving a salon in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Emily Blunt leaving a gym in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Jessica Alba arriving on a flight at LAX airport (pics start here)

Reese Witherspoon and her husband Jim Toth leaving church in Santa Monica (pics start here)

Teri Hatcher leaving a vet's office in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Ballas leaving The Brompton Club in London (pics start here)

Rose McGowan at a gas station in Los Feliz (pics start here)

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart leaving Le Meurice Hotel in Paris (pics start here)

Actress Cassie Scerbo leaving Terroni restaurant in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Matt Damon and his wife Luciana Barroso arriving at LAX airport (pics start here)

Pink and her husband Carey Hart riding their bikes in Santa Monica (pics start here)

Mark Wahlberg leaving a movie theater in Century City (pics start here)

*141 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt at the 69th Annual Golden Globe Awards at The Beverly Hilton Hotel (1/15)

Really, Angelina Jolie? You need more kids? There is something pathologically wrong with this chick. From OK!:

A source close to the [Angelina Jolie] reveals that Angelina is expecting her seventh child and telling friends she can't wait to be a mom again.

"She's almost three months along," the source confirms to OK!. "It's not something she wants to officially announce but she's at a point where she is telling a select group of people." Adds an insider: Angelina is really savoring every moment. she's having a tough time with morning sickness but says it's all worth it."

Angie, give it up. Call it a career. Do you really think that dropping another kid is gonna get you any positive press? You -- Angelina Jolie -- turned children into props. George Lucas made special effects not special anymore in the same way you made adoption and childbirth not special. Get what I'm saying, Angie? Congratulations, you are the Jar Jar Binks of Hollywood.

*25 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and their kids shopping at FAO Schwarz in New York (12/7)

Damn, I thought I was hot shit getting that $20 Wal-Mart gift card from my aunt for Christmas this year. Now that I think about it, a waterfall is way better than that. I feel so . . . deflated. From the Daily Mail:

Brad Pitt has completely fallen for his Christmas present from Angelina Jolie - a waterfall in California. A thrilled Pitt is now planning to embark on an ambitious and exotic building project emulating the design of Lloyd Wright's 1939 masterpiece Fallingwater, which was built in Pennsylvania on a similar piece of land. The pair visited the house in 2006.

"Brad has always loved Fallingwater and his first trip there was unforgettable," says a friend. "Angelina wanted to get him something incredibly special and, because she knows how much he loves architecture, she thought this would be perfect. She hopes this will be a hideaway for the family. Brad has dreamed of a home with the sound of a waterfall cascading under the house. Brad has always wanted to design his own house. He wants to pull all aspects of nature, light, glass and varying levels into the concept. This is the present to top all presents."

Well, ain't that just grand. The humanitarian bought the movie star his own waterfall. I'm sure it wasn't as expensive as it sounds. I think Occupy Wall Street should go ahead and occupy Pitt-Jolie Falls for a few months, since that money would have been better spent doing anything else but BUYING A WATERFALL. Well, at least their holier than thou fetish is over -- nothing says "I'm disgustingly rich" like BUYING A WATERFALL. BTW, one of my loans came through. Now I have a pot to piss in, but still waiting on a window to throw it out of. Keep me in your prayers.

*5 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston should totally fight

Jennifer Aniston almost had a *really* awkward moment at the ArcLight Cinemas in Hollywood over the weekend. And no, I don't mean she almost saw the new Adam Sandler movie. From the New York Daily News:

While Aniston, 42, was at the popular movie theater with beau Justin Theroux, her famous ex had a larger entourage in attendance: his children with partner Angelina Jolie.

According to X17online, Pitt took kids Shiloh, Zahara, Pax and Maddox to see the 2 p.m. showing of Martin Scorsese’s “Hugo.” Once the family flick ended, the brood reportedly made their way to the parking garage just minutes after Aniston and Theroux entered the movie theater for a later movie.

"Justin and Jennifer skipped the popcorn and went straight in. Like five minutes later, Brad and the kids came out of the theater," a source told X17. "They just missed each other!"

Well wouldn't that have been uncomfortable if Jen and Justin actually ran into Angelina and Brad. Can you imagine how the conversation between these two would have gone?

Brad: "Oh, hey Jen, how's it going?"

Jen: "Oh my God, I love you!"

Brad: "Uh, yeah. So anyway, what are you here to see?"

Jen: "My letters! Did you get all of the letters I've been sending? What about the ones with pieces of my hair glued to them?"

Brad: "Yeaaaah. Well, it's been good seeing you. Take care."

Jen: "Call me! I haven't changed my number so you'd still know what it was. I've even kept all of your voicemails. You know, the ones where you said you loved me and we'd be together forever. I miss those days so much. Why can't it be like it was back then, when everything was perfect and we had the whole world at our fingertips? Do you remember that one time on the beach in Kauai when you-"

Justin: 'Uh, Jen. He walked away five minutes ago."

*13 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery: