Micaela Reis at the International Emmy Awards Gala in New York (L) and Nicola McLean at the Now Magazine Party in London (R)
It's a good thing Micaela Reis (L) and Nicola McLean (R) were separated by the Atlantic Ocean at these events last week, because I'm just not sure what would have happened if they had come within 100 miles of each other. A ripple in the Space-Whore Continuum? A swarm of locusts descending upon our cities? A mass extinction of crops and livestock? Sure, it's all possible. We're lucky to be alive.
*15 cleavage pictures total in the gallery:
Kim Kardashian out and about in New York (11/18)
Oh, did you hear the news? Kim Kardashian has breasts. She made sure everyone was well aware of that fact by wearing a mesh top last night in New York. The top is part of her just-launched clothing line for new moms called "Your Daughter Is Gonna Grow Up To Be A Stripper Anyway, So Fuck It."
*15 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:
Heidi Montag breasts in their former glory
Apologies for writing about Heidi Montag twice in one week, but freakishly large breasts fascinate me like nothing else. In the new Us Weekly, Heidi expands on why exactly she got -- and it pains me to even type this combination of words -- a breast reduction:
"[The doctor] told me they were falling through the bottom, and I got scared. It's super dangerous. They can fall through to your belly button! I couldn't conceptualize the weight of them in my body. They felt like bowling balls on my chest ... I'm the new, new, new Heidi! Now my spine doesn't hurt and my neck feels better. It's like I can breath for the first time in years. I am just more comfortable in my skin. And I can wear cuter, tighter shirts. I don't even have to wear a bra!"Uh...why is this person still speaking to me? Heidi committed a mortal sin, according to the Holy Writings of Celebslam -- she lopped her personality enhancers off and is expecting fist bumps for her sacrilege. Hey, if you have the big C or even have it in your family history a la Angelina Jolie, I say start cutting until you hit bone. But if you're a talentless reality star who CHOSE to get her knockers silly-sized, then don't have them reduced and expect to be respected for the decision -- it's just not happening. Now I'll repeat what every elementary school teacher, guidance counselor, and probably a few of her family members have told her over the years and say: Heidi, go away and don't come back unless you have freakishly large tits again. Your personality is about as interesting as watching cream of wheat get cold.
*28 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:
Stacy Keibler's boobs are worthy of staring
Here's Stacy Keibler at last night's 17th Annual Accessories Council Excellence Awards in New York. Yes, not only is there such a thing as the Accessories Council Excellence Awards, but there's been 16 previous ones. Seems like a nice scam to get Stacy Keibler in a tight dress so you can stare at her tits all night.
*20 Stacy Keibler pictures total in the gallery:
Heidi Montag in Costa Rica in 2010
Heidi Montag has done the unthinkable. No, she hasn't suddenly become likable. She got a breast reduction, going from an F cup to a measly D cup. Sacrilege! From Entertainment Tonight:
"I do regret getting the implants," she candidly admitted to ET. "...My new doctor was like, 'You should never have been allowed by the doctor to get implants this big. ... I put my security and sexuality in my breast size instead of my confidence."Ruptured disk? Muscular damage? Spinal damage? Pinched nerves? None of that justifies removing your circus freak tits, Heidi. Shame on you. God gave you those for a reason, or at least he gave the plastic surgeon the ability to give you those for a reason. And now, you're basically slapping him in the face. I wouldn't be surprised if you get hit by lightning the next time you go out to pick up your food stamps.
As a result of her implants, the 27-year-old reality celebrity says she's experienced major health problems, including a ruptured disc in her neck, muscular and spinal damage to her back, and numbness in her arm due to pinched nerves.
*30 Heidi Montag pictures total in the gallery:
Nicole Scherzinger leaving the Arts Club in Mayfair, London (10/23)
+ Jessica Wright is a sexy pussycat [Hollywood Tuna]
+ Um, Miley Cyrus about get get banged on a counter [The Superficial]
+ Anyone got a spare $40k? [Celebuzz]
+ A moment with Kelly Brook [IDLYITW]
+ Doutzen Kroes forgot a bra [Drunken Stepfather]
+ I'm all for anything with Jennifer Lawrence in bodypaint [Guyism]
+ Today's Top 5 Supermodel Selfies on Instagram [moejackson]
+ Natalie Portman looking cute as hell [Popoholic]
+ The fuck is that? [Dlisted]
+ Damn fine Asian babe named Vicki [Caveman Circus]
+ Who needs a bra? A 33-photos tribute. [Brobible]
+ We have a new Christian Grey [popbytes]
+ Kate Beckinsale in a sexy red dress [Yeeeah!]
*30 Nicole Scherzinger pictures total in the gallery:
Kat Dennings at the premiere of Thor: The Dark World at Odeon Leicester Square in London (10/22)
Friendly tip: If your name is not Kate Upton or Christina Hendricks, try to avoid moments of awkwardness on the red carpet by not getting anywhere near Kat Dennings. You're welcome.
*30 Kat Dennings pictures total in the gallery:
Kim Kardashian leaving La Societe restaurant in Paris (10/1)
I know, more pictures of Kim Kardashian. Sorry. I promise I'm not only posting the pictures of her in outfits with her tits popping out. The problem is that's literally all she's wearing. It's actually quite remarkable. I'm dying to post some pics of her in business casual, but her inner dirty attention whore simply won't let it happen. Besides, business casual to Kim is when you can only see part of her nipple.
*20 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:
Kim Kardashian at the premiere of Mademoiselle C in Paris (10/1)
I don't know if it's just the light or what, but Kim Kardashian's implants were looking a bit ripply at a movie premiere in Paris last night. And, no, it's not her soul trying to escape out of her chest, you asshole. Kim lost that years ago the first time Ray-J's balls touched her chin.
*25 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery: