Beyonce

Beyonce Knowles at the groundbreaking ceremony for The Barclays Center at Atlantic Yards in New York (3/11)

Incredibly, Beyonce's new perfume "Heat" is not a miserable failure. It's had sales of $3 million+ since it's launch last month. From Yahoo!:

Singer Beyonce Knowles has had a whiff of the sweet smell of success - $3 million worth of her Beyonce Heat fragrance has been sold since its launch last month.

The perfume hit the US departmental store Macy's in Feburary. Contactmusic.com reports that fans clamored to purchase the fragrance, which features 'notes of red vanilla orchid, magnolia, neroli and blush peach', and it quickly became America's top-selling beauty counter product.

The fragrance's popularity continues to soar - Macy's CEO Terry Lungren has revealed sales have reached a staggering $3 million in its first few weeks of release.

Celebrity perfumes have to be the dumbest thing out there. Neroli? What the fuck is neroli? Beyonce can't even spell neroli. She didn't develop this. You really want to smell like Beyonce? Fill a kiddie pool with $50k or so in large bills. And then just roll around in it. Or if you want to smell like Lindsay Lohan, fill that same kiddie pool with unpaid credit card bills and "past due" notices.

Jay-Z and Beyonce in St. Barts last January

Jay-Z, this isn't fourth grade, no one cares that you and Beyonce are sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Just admit that you're married already. From the New York Post:

Jay-Z didn't seem amused when an emotional Beyoncé thanked him as her "husband" onstage at the Grammys. Sources say he was taken aback because they don't like to talk publicly about being married. A source at the show said, "He appeared startled and a little exasperated." But the couple, who wed amid strict secrecy in 2008, was later all smiles at the Sony BMG party at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where they celebrated Beyoncé's record six awards. A spy said, "They were holding hands and looking happy."

I can't really fault Jay-Z on this one. You'd be embarrassed to be called someone's husband too if the only thing bigger than your wife's ass was her ego. You'd also be embarrassed if you got kicked out of Wal-Mart for not wearing pants. I will not let that happen a third time.

Beyonce performing at the Grammy Awards last night

Not many people know this, but it's my mission in life to knock Beyonce down a peg whenever her head gets too big. On the heels of her six-Grammy win last night and her head barely being able to fit into her limo, this should help. She's been nominated for a "Worst Actress" Razzie for her work in the 48th top-grossing film of 2009, Obsessed. From The New York Times:

John Wilson, the founder of the Razzies, [says] that 2009 was such a high point for bad movies that he considered doubling the number of nominees, a la the Oscars. “But then I realized that our membership is only one-tenth of the Academy, and it would have no meaning,” he said. “It would be just like the Golden Globes, where a movie can win with only 17 votes.”

The Razzies, which are commemorating their 30th anniversary this year, will name the worst movies, actors and actresses of the decade, though, with contenders including classics of the field like “Battlefield Earth,” “Gigli” and “Swept Away.” The awards - which are actually shiny, gold raspberries - will be handed out in Los Angeles on March 6, the night before the Oscars, in a ceremony watched by literally dozens of people later in clips on YouTube.

To be fair, Beyonce isn't the only actress that sucked last year. Megan Fox snagged a "Worst Actress" nomination for her work in Jennifer's Body and a "Worst Screen Couple" nomination for her and Shia LaBeouf's work in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Jessica Simpson and Cheesecake were considered a lock for the "Worst Screen Couple" Razzie until the nominating committee realized that no tape actually exists of the two. Hey, you try sneaking a camera to within 50 feet of Jessica Simpson when she's gorging herself on a whole cheesecake. Good way to lose an arm.

Roman Abramovich leaving Nello restaurant in New York (10/30)

Being the 51st richest person alive is something I could really get used to. From Janet Charlton's Hollywood:

Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich paid 1.7 million dollars for entertainment at HIS New Year’s bash in St Barts - Beyonce, Gwen Stefani, and Prince, each raked in over a half million dollars to perform for 250 guests at Abramovich’s 90 million dollar St Barts estate. The whole party cost FIVE million dollars.

So predictable. Everyone expects A-listers if you're a billionaire. Roman should have switched things up and brought in a few D-listers to entertain his guests. What would you rather see: Beyonce's fat ass dancing around like she's having a seziure; or Spencer Pratt and Tila Tequila wrestling in an inflatable pool filled with swine flu, urine, and razor blades? Did I mention the pool would be set on fire?

Jay-Z at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in New York (11/19)

Congratulations Beyonce, you turned Jay-Z into a huge pussy. Much like Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, and Kevin Spacey, he's now afraid of the opposite sex. From the New York Post:

Jay-Z refused to be photographed with the Victoria's Secret models for fear of upsetting his wife, Beyoncé. The rap icon would not walk the red carpet or pose with the girls at Thursday's fashion show and after-party at M2, thrown by Microsoft's Bing. A source told Page Six: "Victoria's Secret begged, but Jay-Z refused . . . he explained it was out of respect for Beyoncé." At M2, he was given a private booth so he could keep his distance from models including Alessandra Ambrosio, Selita Ebanks, Chanel Iman, Miranda Kerr and Heidi Klum.

Jay-Z was given his own booth so he could "keep his distance from the models"? What the fuck? I thought the whole reason for becoming rich and famous was so that you'd not only share your booth with models, but your bed and bodily fluids as well. Either Jay-Z really does respect the sanctity of marriage, or he's become a bigger pussy than the one between Paris Hilton's legs.*

*rumor is Jimmy Hoffa is buried in there

Beyonce leaving Kanaloa nightclub in London (11/14)

Oh look, Paris Hilton gained 40 pounds and is now black. Didn't see that one coming.

UPDATE (11/20): Found a few new pics with a better angle, and by "better angle" I mean, "unless your boss is Larry Flint, don't click on this pic or this pic at work or you'll definitely be fired." (NSFW)

Beyonce leaving Mahiki nightclub in London (11/17)

Beyonce brought so much damn luggage with her to London this week, she had to book a separate hotel room to store it all. In her defense, you really can't bring enough socks when you travel. From the Daily Mirror:

Queen Beyonce was holed up in outrageous luxury this week - but her mammoth haul of excess baggage was nowhere to be seen. That's because it was in its own separate room - in a hotel more than 30 miles away. Mrs Jay Z hit our shores this week and performed a storming two hour set for 10,000 fans at Liverpool's Echo Arena on Wednesday.

The babe stayed in the £2,450-a-night Charles Forte Presidential Suite at the Lowry Hotel in Manchester. But being Beyonce, she booked another room at Liverpool's Malmaison hotel - at just £170 - to store her kit.

It took four helpers to lug her gear up the stairs. Says our source: "She had seven suitcases, three hand luggage bags and two boxes, all for her mammoth gig. In the cases there were apparently 14 dresses, lots of shoes, make-up and 25 wigs."

What's up with Divas traveling around with so much luggage? First it was Madonna, then Mariah Carey, and now Beyonce. Why can't these women live like the rest of us where the only baggage they carry around is from that one time in first grade when that bitch Suzy Hanahan convinced me it would be "neat" if I pulled my pants down in front of the class during PE on what was probably the coldest day of the year which caused so much shrinkage that it earned me the unfortunate nickname of "baby acorn" that stuck with me all through high school -- *clears throat* Anyway, that sure is a lot of luggage isn't it?
 
NOTE: The fact that Beyonce travels with 25 wigs means can only mean one thing: she's finally accomplished her goal of owning more hairpieces than Lex Luthor.

Beyonce leaving Felix nightclub in Berlin (11/6)

Dammit, I knew I should have been an International pop star instead of a lowly blogger! From the Chicago Sun Times:

Back on this side of the pond, Beyonce's papa and manager Matthew Knowles has been hard at work, looking to snare one of the biggest -- if not the biggest -- star contracts in the history of Las Vegas for his daughter.

Several sources report that Knowles is close to a deal making Beyonce the ''resident star'' at the glitzy Wynn Hotel & Casino -- a deal that could run into the hundreds of millions of buckeroos over five years.

For someone concerned about the size of her ass, Vegas doesn't seem like the right place for Beyonce. Sure she'll make hundreds of millions of dollars and have a blast partying at the hottest clubs, but those "All You Can Eat" buffets can be murder on one's backside. If Beyonce really wants to keep the weight off of her ass, she should perform somewhere where food is exceptionally scarce: like Ethiopia or Nicky Hilton's house.

Beyonce leaving Icebergs restaurant in Sydney (9/19)

Make no mistake, Beyonce is 100x the star Lindsay Lohan is. That point was reinforced this weekend at the F1 Rocks event in Singapore. From the Daily Mirror:

LiLo, who was hosting the event for Channel 4, had asked for the best dressing room in the house at Fort Canning, Singapore. But there was a small problem - so had Beyonce . . . when Lindsay came on site earlier in the week, she clocked the huge room - and claimed it herself.

All well and good and LiLo was happy all week - until Saturday when Beyonce arrived, with a 70-strong entourage in tow. Her giant security guards ordered LiLo to clear the area to prepare for her grand entrance.

She told us: "I've been a bit down. It was a strange night. Everyone was being aggressive and bothering me. I really didn't like it."

Why did Lindsay need a huge dressing room anyways? She certainly didn't need all the space -- all she brought with her on the flight was a tiny little carry-on. I don't know if you've heard, but airlines are charging $20 now if you want to check a bag.

Beyonce performing in Perth, Australia (9/24)

Either I am tripping my ass off or that really happened at Beyonce's concert in Perth yesterday. I did just eat a piece of toast I found under the couch for breakfast, but that's causing more of an upset stomach than hallucinations. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when Beyonce's choreographer revealed his plans for this conert. "After the fifth song, were gonna rush you backstage and do a quick outfit change into something that makes you look like a complete fucking idiot. We're gonna surround you with weird green people to really drive home the point."