Beyonce

Paparazzi photos from Monday, April 29

Beyonce performing at the LG Arena in Birmingham, UK (pics start here)

Jessica Alba running errands in Venice Beach (pics start here)

Model Jessica Hart and her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos out and about in the West Village of New York (pics start here)

Jamie Chung leaving the Chateau Marmont Hotel in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Robert Redford and his wife Sibylle Szaggars out and about in Paris (pics start here)

Ellen Page out and about in New York (pics start here)

Krysten Ritter walking her dog in Hollywood (pics start here)

Emma Watson out and about in London (pics start here)

Gwen Stefani leaving Bootsy Bellows nightclub in West Hollywood (pics start here)

Bella Thorne shopping at The Grove in Hollywood (pics start here)

Kelly Rowland at the beach in Miami (pics start here)

Jamie Foxx on the set of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 in New York (pics start here)

*115 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce in a bikini for H&M

The first pictures from Beyonce's summer campaign for H&M were released over the weekend, and really, H&M? Could you at least give us a few pics that weren't airbrushed to the point that they look like they should be hanging in the Louvre? They basically airbrushed 20 pounds off her. It's like the easiest fitness program in history.

*10 Beyonce bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce and her mom Tina Knowles in New Orleans (1/24)

Beyonce's mom looks like Steven Tyler. That is all.

*10 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce In Paris last year

Hah! Jay-Z and Beyonce laugh at your non-diamond-encrusted Barbie Dolls! From The Sun:

Doting Beyonce Knowles and hubby Jay-Z splashed out $80,000 on a diamond-encrusted Barbie for their daughter's first birthday.

I won't name names, but is it bad that I want to physically harm a 1-year-old? 

The customised doll for little Blue Ivy includes 160 of the gems, plus white gold jewellery. The mega-rich singers also threw a lavish princess-themed party for close family and pals to mark her special day. The bash in New York included [~$100k] of white and pink roses as decorations and a cake costing [$2400]. Another [$32k] went on accessories and toys for Blue Ivy's young guests, including jewelery sets, princess costumes and playhouses.

How to Turn Your Kid into a Demanding Little Bitch: A Step-By-Step Guide, by Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Adults were given elaborate goodie bags including concert tickets and personalized gold pens with Blue Ivy and each guest's name engraved on them.

A source said: "Nothing's been too big or expensive for their little princess. They wanted her first birthday to set the tone for the rest of her life. They work hard for their money and the first thing they want to spend it on is their baby girl. It's hard to imagine how they can top this next year -- or what her Sweet Sixteen will be like."

Awe, this is a heartwarming tale, if ever there was one. $200K on a first birthday for a baby is so classy -- I'm surprised Jay-Z and Beyonce didn't hold the party during a "Who da Baby Daddy" episode of Maury. 100% True Story: One time I went to a kid's first birthday party and didn't get a personalized gold pen. I know, right? Such tacky parents. Needless to say, I'm no longer friends with them.

*15 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce at the Art Basel show in Miami (12/9)

Beyonce bought her husband Jay-Z a $4.8 million watch for his 43rd birthday. And you know what? It tells the exact same time as this $10 Casio I stole from Walmart. From UK tabloid The Daily Star:

Beyonce has splashed out over [$4.8 million] on a birthday present for hubby Jay-Z. And he wasn't even celebrating a milestone age, just his 43rd. The ex-Destiny's Child star, 31, bought her man a luxury Hublot watch named the Big Bang. The timepiece has a cool 1,282 diamonds on it.

A man in the know said: "Beyonce will always buy Jay the best gifts money can buy. Money is no object to her. She knew he would love the Hublot Big Bang watch. It's the ultimate timepiece, a mixture of extravagance, luxury and bling. Jay-Z is a huge watch collector and was very excited when he was given the gift. He can't wait to start flashing it around. It is absolutely stunning. In Beyonce's defence, what do you buy the man who already has everything?"

Kids, next time you're selling blood or giving your boss a handjob for some extra hours so you can buy Beyonce's new album, be aware that your money is going to a good cause: Jay-Z's wrist for a ten-minute photo op before being used as some stripper's tip. All kidding aside, she bought him a $5 million watch for his birthday -- now what the hell does she buy him for Christmas? The possibilities are endless when you're that rich. An antique platinum back-scratcher? Sure! Yellowcake uranium cuff links? Why not! A night with the Queen of England? Hey, she may be 86, but she's got the stamina of a 62-year-old.

*30 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West leaving a movie theater in New York (9/1)

Kim Kardashian is still trying to be friends with Beyonce, but Beyonce doesn't want a porn star hanging around her family. If I had the world's smallest violin, I would play the world's saddest song right now for Kim. From the New York Daily News:

A source at the Made in America Festival in Philadelphia [on Saturday night], where both Beyonce and Kardashian were supporting their musical men, tells us, "Kim and Beyonce barely spoke to each other." Adding, "They were on opposite sides of the stage. Beyonce didn't even acknowledge [Kardashian] was there until the concert was almost over."

Eventually, the women "made small talk in the dressing room, but you could tell Kim was uncomfortable. She clung onto Kanye the entire time and didn't say much," according to a second source.

For as fast as Kim builds her castle made of shit, fate keeps flushing the reality toilet. How deliciously ironic that the lady with the fake hair and fake pregnancy refuses to acknowledge the queen of phoniness? It's great because no matter how many fake pregnancies she goes through, Beyonce can always fall back on her talent and the FACT that she's never fucked a guy on film and then profited off of its distribution.

*10 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Kim and Kanye in Paris last week

Pretty much since she's become famous, Kim Kardashian has desperately tried to become friends with Beyonce. Beyonce -- who's famous for actually doing things -- didn't want to be friends with a hybrid porn/reality star, so she shunned Kim's advances, obviously. Enter Kanye West. The three (and Jay-Z) had a little meeting in Birmingham, England last Friday, and now Kim has finally been accepted into the group. Finally, we can all sleep. A source told The Sun:

"The girls have never really seen eye-to-eye. It's a shame because Jay-Z and Kanye are so close. Beyonce has always viewed Kim as a reality TV star who's not earned her fortune with a specific talent. Kanye organized a dinner in his hotel suite for the girls to clear the air. He's hoping that now they're pals, it will lead to further get-togethers away from the tour. Beyonce has now welcomed Kim into their clan."

The plan is working so well that Kim and Beyonce were spotted dancing together during the final show of the European leg of Kanye and Jay-Z's "Watch the Throne" tour on Friday night (pic below). Interesting that Kim is the one hiding her face. I'm half-surprised she didn't put out a press release during the show that she was sitting next to Beyonce, or at least shoot off a few signal flares.

Now that Kim's part of the family, Beyonce better prepare herself for the day her daughter Blue Ivy starts getting curious:

Blue Ivy: "Auntie Kim, how did you become famous?"

Kim Kardashian: "See, when a man loves a woman very much, sometimes she will let that man videotape himself pile-driving her and peeing on her back, and then she'll sell the video for millions and millions of dollars and trick E! into giving her a reality show."

Blue Ivy: "Auntie Kim, you're the fucking devil."



*11 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

Emily Ratajkowski is freaking gorgeous

Above is 19-year-old model and actress Emily Ratajkowski, and apparently the dandies over at People magazine thinks someone is actually hotter than her, because they just named Beyonce the World's Most Beautiful Woman for 2012. Beyonce. 3.3 billion women. She wins. She told the mag:

"I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt because I've given birth. I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth."

Beyonce's not bad looking, but I think it goes without saying that she's not the world's most beautiful. She's probably not even the most beautiful woman in the world named Beyonce.

*29 Emily Ratajkowski pictures total in the gallery:

Beyonce in St. Barts (4/9)

Like Brooklyn Decker and Hayden Panettiere, Beyonce is also on vacation. She's with husband Jay-Z in St. Barts, the small Caribbean island where one percenters go for summer camp. According to Flynet, Beyonce "took a dip in the ocean before joining her husband on a nearby blanket for drinks and some tanning." Tanning? Um . . .

*25 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

Awwwwww

Jay-Z and Beyonce are treating their newborn daughter Blue Ivy like a rare document from the National Archives. No photocopies! From the National Enquirer:

Taking NO chances with their beautiful, newborn baby girl Blue Ivy, ultra-protective parents Jay-Z and Beyonce are obsessively determined to keep their infant germ-free - so before family or pals are allowed to hold their precious prize, they must first don surgical masks and gloves. (Print Edition - 2/20)

Zzzzzz......zzzzzz......zzzzzzz.....

Get it? Get it?! That me, bored to the point of an induced coma over this horseshit the Knowleses are putting out. I don't know why I didn't put the spotlight on these two but that shit is over, all of their crap is under review. Fake pregnancies, Lion King hair weaves, retirements that didn't happen, all of it. Congratulations, Shawn and Beyonce, you just blipped my radar.

*5 Beyonce and Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery: