Solange Knowles at the Met Gala last week

No one knows why, and they haven't issued a statement or anything, but after last week's Met Gala, Beyonce's sister Solange attacked Jay-Z in an elevator -- and it was all caught on camera. The three of them were leaving the afterparty at the Standard Hotel and were in an elevator when the incident occurred. Jay-Z's bodyguard held Solange back, but she did manage to connect with a few kicks and punches. Credit to Jay-Z for not fighting back in what can best be described as Chris Brown's dream. Small elevator. Woman hits first. Nowhere to run. He's actually jerked off to that scenario thousands of times.

ALTERNATE HEADLINE: Solange Knowles finally has a hit

*5 Solange Knowles pictures total in the gallery:

  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 1
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 2
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 3
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 4
  • Solange Knowles Jay Z Fight 5

Kim Kardashian departing on a flight at Miami International Airport (4/16)

Beyonce likes Kim Kardashian about as much as the rest of society does, which makes their "chance" encounter at an L.A. dermatologist last week all the more awkward. From Radar:
An eyewitness to the ladies' awkward encounter at Dr. Howard Lancer's Beverly Hills office tells Radar that when Kardashian arrived, she "seemed so excited to see Beyoncé and was really eagerly going over to her."

"But Beyoncé looked like she wanted nothing to do with Kim and was really trying to stay away from her," the source says. "Kim was basically fawning all over her!"

The two women did have a brief chat, with Blue Ivy's mother asking about Kardashian's daughter North West.

"Beyoncé looked like she couldn't have cared less ...," the source continues. "It seemed so clear that she did not want to talk with Kim and was just being polite to her. They really didn't look at all like friends."
Can you blame Queen Bey for looking down her nose at this Kardashian rubbish container? Beyonce knows as well as I do that there's no such thing as a "chance" encounter in the world according to fatso. Kim loves associating with A-listers even more than she loves getting on her knees and degrading herself, so Beyonce had better get used to "running into" the fame whore. If Beyonce goes to the doctor, Kim will be there. If Beyonce gets harassed by rouge cops, Kim will record it on her hidden vag cam. If Beyonce needs to drop a chocolate loaf in a port-a-potty, Kim will be sitting inside the toilet, mouth open, tongue out. That's why as long as Kanye insists on courting horseflies, he is persona non grata in the Knowles household.

*15 Kim Kardashian pictures total in the gallery:

  • Kim Kardashian Awkard Encounter 1
  • Kim Kardashian Awkard Encounter 2
  • Kim Kardashian Awkard Encounter 3
  • Kim Kardashian Awkard Encounter 4
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  • Kim Kardashian Awkard Encounter 15

It's Beyonce and her fabulous life

Here's some pics of Beyonce and her fabulous life that she uploaded to Tumblr. I'm not exactly sure where she is, but it doesn't really matter. Pick a random spot on the globe with a beach, and Beyonce probably has a house there. Me? I've had Top Ramen for four straight meals now. I don't even like Top Ramen. FML.

*10 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Fab Life 1
  • Beyonce Fab Life 2
  • Beyonce Fab Life 3
  • Beyonce Fab Life 4
  • Beyonce Fab Life 5
  • Beyonce Fab Life 6
  • Beyonce Fab Life 7
  • Beyonce Fab Life 8
  • Beyonce Fab Life 9
  • Beyonce Fab Life 10

Beyonce leaving the Mason House in London (3/2)

God dammit, Beyonce. Can't you just be chauffeured around in a Maybach like the rest of the rich people? From the UK tabloid Independent:
An investigation has been launched after Beyonce's regular helicopter trips during a recent stay in the U.K. prompted noise complaints from neighbours. The singer often stays at the luxurious Burley estate in Hampshire, England when she is visiting Britain and travels to and from the property by helicopter. However, the noise from the aircraft has infuriated other residents and prompted a flurry of complaints to the local council.

Local resident Helen Carlile tells Britain's The Independent newspaper, "It's often late at night and very noisy. They seem to come in very low... She (Beyonce) was staying at the estate for a while and obviously on tour, so she was in and out every night... Other celebrities are believed to come in, but Beyonce is the one we're most aware of."
Isn't Beyonce famous for fake-ass Lion King hairpieces and imaginary pregnancies? I'm pretty sure that "Queen Bey" is a self-entitled twat, so why should her obnoxious behavior come as a surprise to anyone with a computer? What surprises me is that Beyonce wasn't dropping ordinance on orphanages during her fly-by. Maybe Jay-Z can have a talk with her royal highness about subtlety and humility . . . when he's not too busy looking in the mirror and congratulating himself on his great successes in life, that is.

*10 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 1
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 2
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 3
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 4
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 5
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 6
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 7
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 8
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 9
  • Beyonce Annoying Helicopter 10

Beyonce leaving Crossroads restaurant in L.A. (12/7)

Let me guess, you use Evian water for drinking? Oh, interesting. Beyonce remembers when she used to be that poor. From the Daily Mail:
When it comes to Beyonce's adorable daughter Blue, it seems no expense is spared and no amount is ever too great. According to Now magazine, the Drunk In Love singer splashed out on a [$4900] mother and daughter Evian bath on New Year's Eve.

The Miami hotel in which they stayed reportedly charged another [$4900] per night for the pleasure of their company. The spa procedure, said to be favoured by such health-seeking stars as Britney Spears and Serena Williams, involves some 1,000 litres of twice-purified Evian water filling the guest's colossal-sized tub. Special Gerbera daisies are scattered in the tub while scented candles are then lit for a totally immersive sensory experience.
I don't want to sound like a hater, but I really do hope that the secret ingredient of this magical Evian treatment bath is donkey piss. I get it, Beyonce is loaded, but what I don't get is the need to have her PR people let us mouth breathers know how well it's going for the Carters -- it comes of as . . . unseemly. Too bad all that money can't buy humility. Even baby Blue Ivy is beneath her royal highness, since Mrs Z. clearly thinks she has bad skin. Maybe for her next fake pregnancy, Beyonce can buy herself a different model and avoid such costly repairs.

*20 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Evian Bath 1
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 2
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 3
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 4
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 5
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 6
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 7
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  • Beyonce Evian Bath 12
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  • Beyonce Evian Bath 16
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 17
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 18
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 19
  • Beyonce Evian Bath 20

Beyonce at the release of her new album Beyonce at the School of Visual Arts Theatre in New York City (12/21)

Beyonce did the unthinkable last Friday and graced a Walmart in Tewksbury, Massachusetts with her presence. Of course it was just a marketing ploy to promote her new album, but she actually did buy a little toy for her daughter Blue (though it was probably immediately sterilized when she got home so Blue doesn't catch dysentery or cholera or whatever other disease poor people have who shop at Walmart). From Us Weekly:
"It's exciting to see it in person," Queen Bey gushed as she smiled big while looking at a her album Beyonce on the shelves.

"It would be good to get a little toy or something for Blue. That would be cute for her -- my baby," she said, as she picked out a baby doll.

To top it off, Beyonce addressed the crowd -- 750 fans -- by using the store's loud speaker while purchasing her new album and gift for Blue. "Hello Walmart shoppers, testing Walmart shoppers," she said. "It's Beyonce! And I stopped by the store today because my record has arrived. I want to give everyone a gift. For everyone in the store right now, the first $50 of your holiday gifts are on me. Merry, merry Christmas from Beyonce!"
You know, for an "artist" who claimed she was tired of doing the same old promotion for an album release, Beyonce is certainly dragging the bottom of the cheesy promotions barrel. I understand how keeping a team of autotuners on stand-by can be a strain on the ol' wallet, but how much money does this chick need? I'm being told that Beyonce's ode to Beyonce is a big hit, so this is probably coming from the record company execs who've had enough of her bullshit. They're the one's who've been forced to pay for her ridiculous Lion King hairpieces and photoshop miracles for years (though even I have to admit she looks pretty amazing above), so they're not about to let their creation cut them out of the lucrative promotions pie. No sir, I don't care how much money Jay-Z's baby mamma is worth -- expect to see her at every supermarket grand opening, chili cook-off, and child pageant that comes down the pike for the next few months. Hell, don't be surprised if Beyonce is a special guest celebrity wizard at the next big Easter Klan rally in April.

*35 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 1
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 2
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 3
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 4
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 5
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 6
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 7
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  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 20
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 21
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  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 25
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 26
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 27
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 28
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 29
  • Beyonce Walmart Shopper 30

Beyonce is annoying

Beyonce just uploaded some pictures of her recent vacation to Jamaica to Tumblr, and they're every bit as ostentatious as anything you'd expect from Beyonce. There's private jets, and private yachts, and private villas, and Hummers instead of taxis, and basically anything you do on vacation, Beyonce's doing that 10x better. Even her pictures are better. Why pose in a bikini when you can pose like a fucking spaz in a bikini?

*24 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 1
  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 2
  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 3
  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 4
  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 5
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  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 18
  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 19
  • Beyonce Cheesy Vacation Photos 20

Jay-Z and Beyonce leaving Barneys New York in Beverly Hills (12/3)

Wow, black people following white people out of Barneys. What a pleasant change.

*30 Jay-Z and Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 1
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 2
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 3
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 4
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 5
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 6
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  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 19
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  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 21
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  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 28
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 29
  • Jay Z Shopping at Barneys 30

Beyonce performing at the 2013 Made in America festival in Philadelphia (8/31)

I've never heard of someone being furniture racist, but Beyonce is exactly that. Her ass won't touch colored furniture. Wait, I can say that, right? From In Touch Weekly:
In Touch has exclusively obtained Beyonce's list of dressing room demands for a recent video shoot -- and though some of her requests are reasonable, others are over the top!

"Beyonce asked that her dressing room not only be completely baby-proofed [for daughter Blue Ivy, 21 months] but that it be furnished in all white," a source tells the new issue of In Touch, adding that the temperature had to remain at 72 degrees.

But it doesn't end there. "She requested a large second room with a massive vanity and stage lighting so that her hair and makeup team could make her look her best," the insider tells In Touch, adding that Queen Bey even asks that "all of her food be served on a crisp white tablecloth."
I don't blame Beyonce for her requests because they seem pretty subdued compared to what I imagined her rider would have included. For example, I assumed that Mrs. Z would have a demanded a restraining order for the members of Destiny's Child who haven't been put in the ground or a team of horses to remain on standby, all prepped to be shaved for her lush hairpieces. The big shocker for me was that a team from Industrial Light & Magic wasn't there to CGI a smaller ass onto her royal majesty, lord knows that thing is a mess back there. The white furniture seems fine, just be aware that nothing ruins white upholstery like pancake makeup and smug senses of self righteousness.

*5 Beyonce pictures total in the gallery:

  • Beyonce Tour Rider Demands 1
  • Beyonce Tour Rider Demands 2
  • Beyonce Tour Rider Demands 3
  • Beyonce Tour Rider Demands 4
  • Beyonce Tour Rider Demands 5

Jay-Z, Rihanna, and Beyonce at the NBA All Star Game in L.A. in 2011

Count Beyonce among those tiring of Rihanna's antics. Aw yeah, baby. This has "sexy chick fight in a pool of JELL-O" written all over it. From the National Enquirer:
"Rihanna's always been edgy, but now she's completely out of control," an insider told The Enquirer. "Beyonce has considered herself on of Rihanna's mentors since (her husband) Jay-Z signed Rihanna to his label in 2004. And Rihanna has referred to Beyonce as a big sister. But Beyonce has worked hard to empower women with her music, and she feels Rihanna is undoing a lot of that work. She's at the point now where seeing Rihanna grabbing her crotch on stage makes her feel sick.

"Jay's very protective of Ri and doesn't want to rock the boat, but Bey felt she wouldn't be doing her hob if she didn't say something. Bey thinks Rihanna is making herself look trashy for no good reason." (Print Edition - 7/15)
Oh, brother. Who invited Mother Teresa to the party? Amazing, just amazing. Just to recap, Rihanna staying with the scumbag who wiped a Lamborghini dashboard with her face didn't seem to get a rise out of Beyonce, but let the kid grab her cooch and puff a lil' stinky and WHAM!, Mrs. Carter is all up in a bitch's business? What a phony. I think I know of a way to get these two back on the same page. Beyonce should start smoking weed every hour of every day and Rihanna should marry a guy who refuses to acknowledge their relationship for years and then fake a pregnancy with him. If the two can do that and Rihanna also pretends the Lion King hairpiece she bought from a Broadway overstock clearance sale is real hair like Beyonce does, then I'll consider their relationship saved.

*10 Rihanna, Beyonce, and Jay-Z pictures total in the gallery:

  • Rihanna Beyonce Fighting
  • Jay Z Rihanna Kiss
  • Beyonce Hates Rihanna
  • Rihanna High Heels
  • Rihanna Embracing Jay Z
  • Jay Z Beyonce All Star Game
  • Beyonce Cleavage Tits
  • Beyonce Not Having Fun
  • Rihanna Red Hair
  • Rihanna Fight with Beyonce

Would You Rather?

Would You Rather...? Spend one night with: