Before and After

Kara DioGuardi looks like hell

That's former American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi at the opening night gala of the musical Cinderella in Hollywood on Saturday. Is it just me, or would this picture make a great anti-meth billboard? "6 months ago, this woman was a judge on the most popular show on television. Now she sleeps in a ditch and panhandles for money with a cardboard sign that claims she's a Vietnam War veteran . . . EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS JUST 4 WHEN THE WAR ENDED IN 1975! Choose life or choose meth."

*5 Kara DioGuardi pictures total in the gallery:

Britney Spears is airbrushed

Here's the before and after pics of Britney Spears' new campaign with Candies, also know as "what I've been working on the last hour, I hate you animated gifs." Now I'm not going to claim that these pictures are airbrushed, but the guy that runs the photoshop department at Candies just bought an island with all the extra overtime money on his last paycheck.

*16 pics total in the gallery:

Jessica Alba at the 2010 Tribeca Film Celebration held at the W Hotel in Hollywood (2/23)

Jessica Alba has a case of tattoo regret (before and after pics above). She's getting the hideous tattoo on the back of her neck lasered off. According to my vivid imagination, Jessica thinks the tattoo makes her seem "too trashy" -- especially when she wakes up in the middle of the night, changes into a crotchless french maid outfit, and secretly masturbates to me.

Jessica Simpson, before and after her weight gain

You thought the most ridiculous part of Jessica Simpson's interview with Oprah on Wednesday was Oprah's claim that Jessica was a size 4 at the infamous chili cookoff apperance? Nope. Jessica wants us to believe everyone was making fun of her because she gained just 10 pounds. Hold your laughter please. From the New York Post:

"The fact I was famous last year for gaining 10 pounds is ridiculous and really sad," the curvy, healthy-looking singer told Oprah Winfrey in an interview telecast [Wednesday].

Simpson, 29, said nothing has hurt her more than the fat jokes she's had to endure since she performed at a chili cook-off in Florida on Jan. 25, 2009, wearing the now-infamous jeans and a chunky leopard-print belt.

"I didn't want to sit down and talk with anybody about it, because I felt guilty," she said. "I felt like, you know, if people look at me and maybe they're a size bigger, they look at themselves and they think they're fat. I don't want other people to feel fat if they're a size 6 or whatever size they are. It's a really hard thing for me to talk about. Because I celebrate women of all sizes, and I think we're all beautiful."

That picture on the left was taken in late 2006; the one on the right, shortly after the chili cookoff last year. Yeah, I can believe that Jessica gained only 10 pounds . . . wait, we're just talking about her neck, right?

Alessandra Ambrosio is drunk

Thursday was a banner night for supermodels getting wasted. Posted those pics of Cindy Crawford earlier and here's Alessandra Ambrosio before the Los Premios MTV 2009 Latin America Awards, and after the afterparty at Voyeur nightclub in West Hollywood. Apparently the only drink they serve there is moonshine.

Cindy Crawford is drunk

On the left, Cindy Crawford before the Omega Constellation 2009 Launch party in London last night, on the right, after. On the left, Cindy Crawford before blowing her husband in a taxi in full view of the driver, on the right, after.

On the left, Eva Longoria leaving Beso restaurant in West Hollywood on Wednesday night, on the right, Eva at LAX airport on Thursday morning

I don't know who Eva Longoria's makeup artist is (George Lucas?), but he needs a raise. Holy crap. I'm surprised he didn't sign her face like a painter when he finished applying her makeup. "Another masterpiece!"

Katie Price leaving Balans restaurant in London (7/19)

Before and after pictures -- one of the reasons I'm glad I'm not famous. Could you imagine waking up the morning after a night of heavy drinking and seeing these kinds of pics of yourself splashed across the internet? One pic you're smiling, anticipating a night of fun, the next you're running down the street butt naked wearing a sombrero and pink bow tie . . . or was it red? Either way, my original point stands: open bars at wedding receptions kick serious ass. 

Mischa Barton at the Dior fashion show in Paris in January (L) and at the Harrods Summer Sale launch in London in June (R)

Is she using a different eyeshadow? Something seems different about her . . .

Karen Mulder in 1995 and 2009

Former Victoria's Secret Angel Karen Mulder was arrested in Paris today after making a series of "vicious" telephone calls to her plastic surgeon. Gee, I wonder why? From the Daily Mail:

Dutch-born Mulder, who made her name in the nineties alongside Naomi Campbell, Helena Christensen and Kate Moss, was thought to have asked for a previous operation to be reversed.

A detective said: "She was screaming and shouting about the operation and became extremely threatening. There were repeated calls to the female surgeon who was extremely scared. The suspect is being interviewed."

Holy crap, talk about a short temper. I mean, a plastic surgeon turns you into a monster one time and you get all pissy. I think I speak for everyone here in saying that Karen needs to relax.