Ashton Kutcher

Ashton Kutcher and his new girlfriend Lorene Scafaria

Looks like Ashton Kutcher has moved on from Demi Moore. He's allegedly dating 33-year-old screenwriter Lorene Scafaria. That's the two above in Rome over Christmas (with business partner Matt Mazzant). You know what they say about Rome: what happens in Rome stays in Rome. Especially illegitimate children who can't get visas. From Us Weekly:

During their private sojourn, the couple tooled around in a Porsche Carrera Sports 2011 and holed up at a private pad. During a romantic lunch at Pizzeria Trattoria Toscana in Pisa on Christmas Eve, they "held hands," witness Alex Thorpe tells Us. "They shared spaghetti, and he paid."

Despite 33-year-old Scafaria's romance with Brody and Kutcher's marriage to Moore, a source says they have been stoking a romance since meeting in February, when Kutcher tried out for a film she wrote.

"Ashton started seeing her while each was in a relationship," says a source.

Why is Ashton Kutcher on my radar? I'm not trying to set an angle up, I just need to know why my spies insist on bringing this particular guy to my attention. Ashton might have been the least interesting cast member on That 70's Show. Sure, he can claim to be the first idiot to say "first!" on blogs, and he was ahead of us on the Twitter curve, but so what? He's a younger, less edgy David Hasselhoff. I don't give him credit for cougar-hunting, since Demi Moore isn't exactly Rhea Perlman. His movies stink, and the only thing less talked about than Two and a Half Men is Ron Paul. So what is it, America? Why is this douchebag's Q rating through the roof? Let me know because I'm totally out of the loop on this one.

*5 Ashton Kutcher pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher's new bachelor pad

Here's some pics of Ashton Kutcher's new swingin' bachelor pad in the Hollywood Hills that he's renting for $50,000/mo. According to Pacific Coast News, the 10,000 square foot "architectural masterpiece" has a gourmet kitchen, private screening room, wet bar area, gym/massage room, enclosed gardens, infinity pool, cantilevered decks, and a floating dining room area that opens to stunning views. And a ramp with a gentle grade that leads from the driveway to the front door. You know, in case his ex-wife Demi Moore ever wants to visit. Oh, and it also has a lounge/study area. You know, in case any of his future fucks have homework due the next day.

*5 pictures total in the gallery:

Lea Michele and Ashton Kutcher, at the Los Angeles premiere of New Year's Eve at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (12/5)

Lea Michele gushing over her New Year's Eve co-star Ashton Kutcher sounds especially amusing now knowing that if she really wanted a piece of his ass, Ashton would have been more than happy to serve it up. From her interview with New York Magazine:

Were you cast first in New Year's Eve, or was Ashton [Kutcher]?
"I was. I think I was one of the first people cast."

So were you curious what star they'd cast as your love interest?
"I was! [Director Garry Marshall] was like, 'Who do you think is cute? What guys do you like? Who do you want to be in this movie with you?' And I was like, 'I don't know, I've never been asked before!'  I didn't mention Ashton's name just because, I gotta say, I kinda felt like he was a little out of my league. You know, this guy's like, the hottest guy, and then when they called and said that Ashton was doing it, I was really freaked out. I thought I should have picked someone else and said, 'You have to use this person!' so I wouldn't have been nervous. But I'm so glad, because he challenged me, and it was a really great pairing, I think."

Oh good God, Leah. Can you put your panties in the dryer? It's only Ashton Kutcher for Christ's sake. Why are you so excited to be working with another B-lister like yourself? The only difference between this ass-clown and the guy who played Fez on That '70s Show is that Fez has the dignity to not slide in on Charlie Sheen's or Bruce Willis' sloppy seconds. And do you really think it's a good idea that Kutcher was cast because you thought he's cute? Clearly you don't respect Kelso's acting ability and neither does Marshall. You're right, he is the 2011 version of Lionel Jefferson, but part of your job is to sell this guy like the next (insert generic RomCom star here). Trust me, there are bigger and better stars you can let into your slit, stupid.

*31 Lea Michele and Ashton Kutcher pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher leaving Chevron on Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood (11/29)

Ashton Kutcher had a recent awkward run-in at a restaurant with Demi Moore. Let me guess, she caught him fucking a waitress in the ladies room? From Us Weekly:

[Demi] Moore, 49, dined at a West Hollywood private members' club with a male companion [in early December]; "it didn't look romantic at all," a fellow diner tells Us Weekly. Mid-dinner, the Margin Call actress spotted future ex-husband [Ashton] Kutcher, 33, on the opposite side of the patio!

"She approached his table," says the witness, adding that the Two and a Half Men star was with four friends. "He gave her a hug, and they spoke for a few minutes," the observers days, adding that the couple, who called it quits last month after Kutcher's September fling with Sara Leal came to light, had a "polite" chat. Despite the cordial overtures, the source describes the scene as "very awkward."

Am I getting punk'd? I have to ask because Demi and Ashton's entire relationship was awkward. Every time they were on TV, I was waiting for a cut to Ashton wearing a ridiculous trucker hat making dumb-ass faces at the camera, telling us that we done been had, y'all. Oh, and I don't think this is awkward, but it is infuriating: everyone keeps calling Ashton Kutcher a star. Ashton is a lot of things (insecure douchebag comes to mind), but "star" isn't among them. Now that Charlie Sheen fella, that's a star. Whatever happened to him?

*15 Ashton Kutcher pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher is a dick

No shock here, but Ashton Kutcher's former stepdaughters Rumer, Scout, and Tallulah Willis all hate him now for cheating on their mom. Welcome to life, kids. An insider told Mike Walker:

"When news surfaced a year ago that Ashton had been unfaithful, the girls refused to believe it. But when the scandal resurfaced, his 'daughters' confronted 'Dad' for the truth - but Ashton LIED to them, flatly denying he'd cheated. Even though he's been in the girls' lives for more than eight years, and had hoped to continue being the girls' 'second dad,' they now want NOTHING to do with him. He's tried numerous times to contact them, but they refuse to respond."

Oh no, these girls feel so betrayed by someone that was in their lives for a whole "eight years." How will they ever cope? Newsflash Rumor, Scout and Tullulah: the world is full of disappointments and injustices -- just look at your first names. The bottom line is that these three should be more upset with their real dad, Bruce Willis. I mean seriously, did they even see Cop Out (2010)?

*15 Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher has moved on from Demi Moore

Ashton Kutcher is enjoying the single life. His [tiny] penis is, too. From Us Weekly:

Ashton Kutcher paid a visit to his hometown of Iowa City, Iowa for the holidays, and sources tell the new Us Weekly -- on stands Friday -- that the newly single star partied hard with local girls.

On Nov. 23, Kutcher, 33, and an entourage visited Iowa City bars Bo James and Sports Column. "He was drinking beer, and girls kept coming up to him," says a source. "He loved the attention. Girls were hugging him and shaking his hand."

On Nov. 26, the Two and a Half Men star spent three hours with pals at Summit bar downing beer and shots of liquor. "He was swarmed by girls," an eyewitness tells Us. "A few tried to convince him to go tom a strip club -- but he declined!"

Why would these girls think Ashton would be interested in going to a strip club? At strip clubs you have to actually pay to see women take off their clothes. As a multimillionaire celebrity, you just have to say "hi" to get them to do that. Besides, Ashton probably wouldn't be interested in the girls at a strip club -- they've got fake boobs no souls more than twenty years until they start collecting Social Security.

*15 Ashton Kutcher pictures total in the gallery:

Demi Moore is out for blood

Meant to write about this last week, but I ended up having way too much [Wild] Turkey on Thursday. Demi Moore wants to financially punish Ashton Kutcher for his philandering ways. Ohhh ohhh, she should leave all the lights on at their mansion! The electric bill would be sky high! From the Daily Mail:

Demi Moore is determined to grab a slice of Ashton Kutcher's $140 million fortune -- in revenge for the betrayal that led her to seek a divorce.

Wait, what? $140 million? Have I been asleep the past few years? When did that happen?

"With a pre-nuptial agreement, Ashton should be sitting pretty,"  a source close to Miss Moore's entourage told The Mail [last week]. "These agreements are designed to protect one's earnings during the marriage as well as one's pre-nuptial assets.

"But Demi is furious, raging in fact -- you only have to look at every photo you see of her to see the toll Ashton's cheating has taken on her. She wants to punish him financially because of the way he has broken her heart. She is talking about going after a share of what he has earned since their marriage on the grounds that she contributed to much of what he has achieved. She is going to give him a bitter fight and, whether or not she wins, it will be an expensive lesson for him."

Fellas, this is why you should never get married. You work and work and work and one day you "accidentally" stick your dick into one or ninety bimbos and, for some reason, your insane wife becomes determined to take you to the cleaners. It's just not fair I tell you. Listen, if you want to have your cake and eat it too, you've got to treat your wife like Tom Cruise and John Travolta do -- by paying them off.

*21 Demi Moore pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore in St. Barts earlier this year

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore went down to the Turks & Caicos earlier this month to fix their broken marriage, but then the bitch had the nerve to ask if he'd ever cheat again. WTF? Mind your own business. From the Chicago Sun Times:

A longtime Hollywood friend of Moore’s told me Thursday that the “ultimate deal-breaker was Ashton’s inability to 100 percent promise he wouldn’t stray again.” Apparently, despite outward appearances of cheerfulness exhibited by the couple during a Caribbean retreat last weekend to the Turks & Caicos vacation home of Moore’s ex-husband, Bruce Willis, the duo actually escaped to the private compound to hammer out details on ending their marriage.

You've got to give Ashton a little credit here. At least he didn't lie to Demi's face and tell her that he'd never bang another college girl. Blatantly lying about something sexual in nature to someone that you supposedly care for would take an incredible amount of heartlessness . . . just ask Tom Cruise ("I swear Katie, those assless chaps were part of an old Halloween costume!"). Besides, we all know Ashton would never have been able to pull off a lie to Demi -- that would take an actual ability to act.

*28 Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore pictures total in the gallery:

Demi Moore divorcing Ashton Kutcher

We finally have our answer as to whether Demi Moore has it in her heart to forgive Ashton Kutcher for banging some prime college girl ass on the night on their anniversary in September. The answer is "No." She's divorcing him. She just said in a statement:

"It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.

"This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation."

Wow, Thanksgiving is gonna be REALLY awkward this year at Demi and Ashton's house. "Can you pass the gravy? And after that, fuck off."

If a 49-year-old mother of three can't make it with a 33-year-old guy who likes banging chicks roughly his stepdaughter's age, what hope is there for the rest of us?

Ashton's response on twitter (of course):

I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi. Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK

It's especially difficult when you fuck other chicks on your anniversary. I mean, jesus, I thought it was bad when I forgot to get my girlfriend flowers last year.

Jesus, eat a cheeseburger

"Love" will get Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher through the current marital difficulties they're facing . . . even though Ashton also "loves" sticking his dick into college girls. From the New York Post:

Ashton Kutcher, 33, and Demi Moore are carefully working through their problems in a bid to save their marriage following claims he romped with 23-year-old blonde Sara Leal in San Diego on his and Moore’s sixth wedding anniversary in August.

A friend told us, “They both want to work things out. They are doing a lot of talking and Kabbalah counseling. Despite all that has happened, when it comes down to it, they both really love each other.”

Moore looks thin and gaunt in recent pictures. The source told us, “It has been a painful time, but she’s holding up. While there are problems, they both want to fix things. She and Ashton need each other.”

Sorry Demi, love isn't going to save your marriage . . . but a time machine might. When you're almost 50, trying to compete with a 23-year-old is like trying to get Kim Kardashian to date a white guy: impossible. Demi might as well face the fact that if she really wants Ashton to stick with her, she's going to have to do something that no married woman has ever done before -- give a blowjob.

*31 Demi Moore pictures total in the gallery: