Ashton Kutcher

Paparazzi photos from Monday, April 15

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher leaving restaurant in London (pics start here)

Kendra Wilkinson playing in a softball game in L.A. (pics start here)

Emmy Rossum at The Onyx And Breezy Foundation's "Saving Tails" Fundraiser in Hollywood (pics start here)

Miss Universe Olivia Culpo at a screening of Disconnect at the SVA Theater in New York (pics start here)

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel leaving Mirimichi Golf Course in Millington, Tennessee (pics start here)

Julianne Hough at Day 3 of The Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in Indio, CA (pics start here)

Ashlee Simpson arriving to Jessica Simpson's baby shower at The Hotel Bel-Air in Beverly Hills (pics start here)

Dutch model Sylvie van der Vaart shopping in Hamburg, Germany (pics start here)

Gwyneth Paltrow leaving 404 restaurant in Paris (pics start here)

Gisele Bundchen out and about in New York (pics start here)

Selena Gomez at the 2013 MTV Movie Awards at Sony Pictures Studio in L.A. (pics start here)

Olivia Wilde out and about in New York (pics start here)

*106 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Demi Moore leaving Great Earth Vitamins in West Hollywood (2/11)

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's divorce just got messy. Even though Demi's worth more than Ashton, she wants spousal support. And she deserves it, too. Hell, anyone who's actually had to live with Ashton Kutcher deserves a lot more than money. Purple Heart, maybe? From TMZ:

Demi Moore has filed legal docs responding to Ashton Kutcher's divorce petition ... and get this -- she wants spousal support and she's worth WAAAAY more than him. Sources connected with Demi tell TMZ ... "She's got money up the wazoo" and has untold millions more than Ashton.  He's not asking her for spousal support, so it's surprising she's going for it.

What's more ... she wants Ashton to pay HER attorney's fees. Although there are reports that settlement negotiations have broken down, we're told it's not true -- both sides are negotiating and they expect a quick resolution.

I'm siding with Team Moore on this one. Back in 2005, Ashton had been contracted to sign autographs at a "Where Are They Now" convention/fish fry in Riverton, Utah when he was discovered by Demi. His was a future of endless VH1 cameos and car wash openings until Demi had the good grace to let Ashton finish inside her. Next thing you know, Ashton is a solid D-lister while Demi morphs from starmaker to paint-huffing Hollywood cougar. Ashton absolutely owes Demi 80% of his Two and a Half Men money, as well as half of whatever future earnings he might get from his movies skipping theaters and going directly to the Pakistani version of Netflix.

*15 Demi Moore pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher on the set of Jobs in L.A. (6/18)

Like, Ashton Kutcher can't stop talking like a teenage girl, like, you know what I'm, like, saying? He told USA Today about the fruit-only diet he went on to prepare for his role as Apple co-founder Steve Jobs in Jobs:

"First of all, the fruitarian diet can lead to like severe issues. I went to the hospital like two days before we started shooting the movie. I was like doubled over in pain. My pancreas levels were completely out of whack. It was really terrifying ... considering everything."

I guess I owe Ashton an apology. I've called him a drama queen/pussy/douchebag so often on our beloved Celebslam that he's decided to stop being a professional fame leech and become a full time, like omigod, Valley girl. Do I believe what she's claiming about Mr. Job's diet? Of course not and neither should you . . . but if an all-fruit diet can finish off Ashton once and for all, I'll be the first to invite him to the all night mango smoothie marathon . . . well, maybe not the first. I bet Demi already has his invite engraved on a radiated dildo bought at the Fukushima Daiichi gift shop.

NOTE: The "considering everything" Ashton is talking about is the fact that Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer. Yes, Ashton Kutcher was terrified that he caught terminal cancer from being on a diet for a week.

*15 Ashton Kutcher Jobs pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis walking their dog in the Hollywood Hills (1/7)

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are getting serious -- Ashton's already promised to cheat less than he normally does and now the two are house hunting in Chicago. From In Touch:

A source close to Ashton tells In Touch, on newsstands now, "They're looking to buy a place together in Chicago." The couple fell in love with the Windy City while visiting during Christmas and have been busy checking out real estate ever since.

"They want a turn-key apartment overlooking Lake Michigan," says the source. Ashton, 34, and Mila, 29, also love that Chicago isn't too far from Ashton's hometown of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, where his family still lives.

Is moving to Chicago a good idea? The city is a freakin' war zone these days, and I'm fairly sure that the gangbangers won't be intimidated in the least by Ashton the douchy camera salesman. Don't get me wrong, nothing would bring a warm smile to my face like hearing that Ashton took a .22 slug to the thigh, but I'd hate to see Mila get caught in the crossfire. As much as I want to bang Mila, an ugly exit wound scar would kill the boner . . . I'm lying, it wouldn't.

*10 Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher at a Thai massage parlor in L.A. (12/10)

According to INF, that's Ashton Kutcher scrolling through Mila Kunis' phone yesterday after the two got massages in L.A. and he finished first. I don't know what he expects to find. Mila and I are old school adulterers -- we do everything through the US Mail. "Aw yeah baby, you make me so fucking hot when you write in shorthand."

*30 Ashton and Mila pictures total in the gallery:

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher out and about in Studio City (10/26)

There's been a rumor floating around since Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore split up that they were never technically married, but instead participated in some lame Kabbalah ceremony. That certainly explains why the two haven't signed divorce papers yet, and now Mila Kunis wants Ashton to not act like a douchebag and just admit the truth. Ouch, that might be tough for him. From the National Enquirer:

"Mila's sick and tired of people saying she's dating a married man and wants Ashton to come clean about his phony wedding to Demi," said a source close to her. "She's tired of the deception, and her family -- who actually adore Ashton -- are fed up trying to explain to friends that their daughter really isn't involved with a married man."

The problem? "Ashton says he wants to come clean - but refuses to be the one to reveal the marriage scam," said the source. "He feels he's embarrassed Demi enough over the years with his very public affairs, and he doesn't want to cause her anymore emotional distress. He told Mila he's pleaded with Demi to tell the truth about their so-called 'marriage' and says she keeps refusing. But Mila just keeps on pushing! So Ashton finally conceded that if Demi doesn't 'fess up soon, he'll be forced to!" (Print Edition - 11/12)

Do you know what makes me sick and tired, friends? It's that Mila is upset that the world's biggest douchebag is being a total douchebag. Look, Mila's never gonna get the guy who drove former A-lister Demi Moore into rehab for huffing paint to do the right thing. Ashton is a jackass, and he does things that only other jackasses can appreciate (I'm surprised Sean Penn and he haven't jerked each other off yet). Now the sooner Mila learns this fact of life, the better chance her career has of surviving a relationship with the anal wart who introduced the world to trucker hats.

*15 Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher pictures total in the gallery:

Paparazzi photos from Saturday, November 10 and Sunday, November 11

Ashton Kutcher out and about in Larchmont Village, CA (pics start here)

Brenda Song leaving a gym in L.A. (pics start here)

Katherine Heigl shopping at FastFrame in L.A. (pics start here)

Mandy Moore leaving The Village Bakery and Cafe in Atwater Village (pics start here)

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy out and about in London (pics start here)

Pippa Middleton leaving a book store in London (pics start here)

Taylor Swift promoting her new album in Paris (pics start here)

Rihanna arriving back at her hotel in New York (pics start here)

Katie Holmes out and about in New York (pics start here)

Colin Farrell filming Winter's Tale in New York (pics start here)

Liv Tyler arriving at the Sephora store in New York (pics start here)

Marion Cotillard launching the Christmas illuminations at Printemps Haussmann in Paris (pics start here)

*117 paparazzi pictures total in the gallery:

Mila Kunis might be pregnant

While leaving a friend's house in L.A. on Saturday with Ashton Kutcher, Mila Kunis was looking awfully pregnant . . . emphasis on "awfully." Can you imagine how awful it would be to have a miniature version of Ashton Kutcher with a little miniature trucker hat running around? I've had nightmares that weren't even that horrific. On a completely unrelated note, is it considered bad taste to openly root for someone to have a miscarriage? I seem to have misplaced my Miss Manners Guide to Etiquette.

*30 Mila Kunis pictures total in the gallery:

Happier Douchier times

Things aren't exactly going smoothly in Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's divorce. Wait, Demi isn't still mad that Ashton fucked all those chicks in a hot tub, is she? I swear, she a memory like an elephant. From the New York Post:

Despite being separated for more than a year, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are still locked in a fierce private battle over the financial terms of their divorce settlement.

Sources tell us that lawyers for Kutcher, the highest-paid TV actor last year, and Moore "are trying to negotiate a settlement out of court and out of the public eye." But "they still haven't reached an agreement over money, because Ashton earned substantially more during the final years of their marriage, but he doesn't want to pay a large settlement."

And one source added that if they don't reach a private agreement, "the discussion could boil over into a public court battle."

I know we should never choose sides in a divorce, but consider me a member of Team Demi. I see Ashton as the leader of the army of self-aggrandizing shit-fucks who have reigned supreme since about 2000, so I hope she takes everything except his stupid trucker hats. Ashton was already "The Situation" back before Mike Sorrentino had even considered buying his first Ab Roller, so you'll have to pardon me for my lack of love for the cornball camera salesman. Maybe if Demi plays her cards right, she might find a new box of spray paint delivered to her home, compliments of the Home Depot. Huff, huff, pass.

*15 Demi and Ashton pictures total in the gallery:

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis walking their dog in Beverly Hills (10/19)

If you live in Beverly Hills and you often find dog shit on your lawn, it most likely came from Ashton Kutcher's dog. What an asshole. Even Osama Bin Laden used to clean up after his dog, and that guy was a real jerk!

*21 Ashton Kutcher pictures total in the gallery: