Recently in Ashton Kutcher Category

"Seeing their mom and stepdad act like teenagers makes the girls cringe! They think their online exchanges are embarrassing and uncool. The girls freaked out when they saw Demi's butt in the air. They sat Demi and Ashton down and told them they needed to curb their immature behavior. Demi said it was just innocent fun, but Rumer shook her head in frustration and said, 'Grow up, Mom!'"

watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I'm not wearing the bikini she is that's what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

shhh don't tell wifey http://twitpic.com/2bj58
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Ashton Kutcher at LAX (11/13)

There it is ladies, in all its glory: Ashton Kutcher's butt crack. I know I've been posting a lot of bikini pics lately but, c'mon, you didn't think I forgot about you? Now if this is a bit too much this early in the morning, I suggest finding the nearest paper bag and breathing into it until you catch your breath. I don't need you passing out on me.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Ashton Kutcher on the sidelines at the Harvard-Westlake vs. Lynwood game (9/12)

Ashton Kutcher must have a lot of free time because he's been helping coach the Harvard-Westlake school's freshman football team this season. A celebrity as your coach? Cool, right? Actually, no. The kids hate him. An insider told Star:

"The kids want him gone. They think he doesn't know what he's talking about and can't stand his tough-guy attitude."

Out of the huddle, the kids mock their famous coach and have even given him a special nickname: Ashton Doucher! (Source)

Coach Doucher. That's a good one. I need to hire one of these kids as an intern. Wait, 18-year-old girls with 35-24-34 measurements play freshman football, right? I have very strict rules on whose ass I stare at at the office.

[Pacific Coast News]

Rumer Willis has a crush on her stepdad

Rumer Willis used to have pictures of stepdad Ashton Kutcher on her wall. Awk-ward. She told Cosmo (UK):

"It was strange when mom started seeing Ashton in 2003. I was 15 and he was a real heartthrob - I had pictures of him on my wall! I remember mom saying her new 'friend' was going to hang out with us. I said, 'What's his name?' And she goes, 'Ashton.' And I said, 'Whoa - Ashton Kutcher?' I freaked out a bit and blushed. When he came round, though, it wasn't awkward. I realized I'd never seen my mother happier. It was like watching two 16-year-olds going to the prom!" (Source)

Weird. One minute her index finger is named Ashton Kutcher, and the next her father is. This story's actually got me thinking. What would I do if Adriana Lima suddenly became my stepmom? Besides the obvious "drill a hole in the bathroom wall" and "riffle through her underwear drawer on a daily basis," I'd probably earn myself a lot of spankings.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Ashton Kutcher on the set of Spread (3/24)

I can't really blame Ashton for scoping out some younger ass. With the way menopause kills a woman's sex drive, he has to be getting a little antsy.

[Pacific Coast News, Splash News]

Splash News

Hummingbird shirt? Check. Capris? Check? Tampons? I can't see his back pocket, but I'd have to assume, check. Ashton Kutcher looks like he's ready for a busy day of scrapbooking and bitching about making only 70 cents to the dollar.

Daily Mail

Yes that's Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore cuddling in the back of this boat and yes that's Demi's ex-husband Bruce Willis fishing. The picture was taken while the two lovebirds were visiting Willis at his home in the Turks and Caicos Islands. There's a joke about Bruce Willis' long pole that is just screaming to made here. But, for once in my life, I'll take the classy high road. Just this post, though. I got a lot of masturbation and poop jokes planned for next week. It's gonna be awesome. Tell your friends!

NBC is holding a press conference this Friday to promote their latest reality show, Real Wedding Crashers, hosted by Ashton Kutcher. As you might have guessed, the show is inspired by last year's box-office hit Wedding Crashers. According to Reality TV Magazine, the television incarnation of the movie:

"...will feature hidden cameras that will record improvisational actors who go undercover at real weddings to bring an added element of surprise to the traditional proceedings." (Source)

The press conference will be strictly business--NBC made it clear no "personal questions" about Ashton or his wife Demi Moore will be allowed--especially no questions about Demi supposedly being pregnant. The actress' rep responded to that rumor:

"If or when Demi is pregnant, she and her husband will decide if that extremely private information should be made public." (Source)

Would you consider "Does your wife swallow?" a personal question? I've been meaning to ask him that for quite some time now and this press conference seems like the perfect opportunity. Based on past experiences, it's usually hit or miss when I ask husbands that question--sometimes they hit me but most of the time they miss. No one can dodge a punch like me. And by "punch" I mean "request for child support." DNA results my ass, Get off my porch bitch!