Fox News aired a very disturbing video last night of Anna Nicole Smith high out of her mind while 8 months pregnant. Have you ever seen a rhino that's just waken up from being sedated and tagged by a park ranger? It's usually a little groggy and has trouble staying on its feet. Anna basically looks like that--only if the rhino had clown makeup on and didn't know what mushrooms were or what the word "footage" meant. So basically Anna was like a more retarded version of a really dumb rhino.
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Anna Nicole Smith's former nanny, Quethlie Alexis, made some pretty crazy allegations about her former boss just a few months before Anna's death. TMZ managed to get ahold of a sworn affidavit which details the claims. Among the allegations:
- Anna Nicole threatened to "shoot her" if the baby ever addressed the nanny as "Mummy."
- Anna Nicole tried to kill herself two separate times. "On the first occasion, she drank in my presence an entire bottle of what I believed to be a sleeping aid." When Smith woke up from the resulting 48-hour coma, she blurted out the words "I wanted to die ... I meant to kill myself."
- Smith "tried to drown herself" in her swimming pool, but Howard K. Stern rescued her from the pool. After the rescue Stern was overheard saying to Smith, "If anything happens to you, I would go to jail."
- She never witnessed Shane Gibson (the Bahamian Minister of Immigration) and Smith having sex, but the former nanny claims the minister would, "spend hours alone with Ms. Marshall in her bedroom" on a "daily basis."
And perhaps the most shocking claim:
- Alexis was ordered to "underfeed" Dannielynn because "[Anna Nicole] was obsessed with making sure that her baby was 'sexy.' [Anna Nicole] knew that the correct amount of baby food was 3 ounces every 3 hours ... [Anna Nicole] insisted that the maximum I was to give was 2.5 ounces. Dannielynn is badly underweight and not thriving, as a baby should." (Source)
I scoured the internet for literally minutes and this was the sexiest baby picture I could find. 2.5 ounces of food every three hours? C'mon Fattielynn, you need to cut back on the formula and maybe start exercising. Or at least pop a few TrimSpa pills. Check under Mommy's bed.
This story is the reason I'm not mourning the death of Anna Nicole Smith.
I swear Anna Nicole Smith gets crazier by the day. The former model's aunt, Elaine (last name?), revealed to London's Daily Mail that by the time her niece married J. Howard Marshall in 1994 she was already in a downward spiral, abusing both prescription drugs and alcohol. No surprises there. Elaine also claims that Anna Nicole had numerous sexual liaisons with both men and women, before and after she was married. Again, not too surprising. But then we get to the demon orgies. According to Elaine:
"She woke me at 3 a.m. one day saying she'd seen demons having orgies in the sky. She said, 'Tell me you see them.' But I wouldn't. She said, 'You think I'm crazy.' I replied, 'No. I'm just not on the same drugs as you.' " (Source)
Call me old fashioned, but isn't seeing a demon orgy in the sky something you'd want to keep to yourself. Like you'd never catch me in the middle of the night yelling "Gisele, Gisele, did you see all those demons getting it on in the sky? It was horrible, yet sexy at the same time--sexible if you will. Now get your ass over here and do that thing daddy likes."
Joining a long list of potential baby daddies, Anna Nicole Smith's former bodyguard, Alexander Denk, is now saying he may be the father of Dannielynn Hope. He told Extra:
"She told me everything. She told me things no one else knows. I think it was an instant spark, and I think for her it was the same. She was wonderful. A very sensitive and emotional woman. A very good kisser, I must say. She was sick of being called names. Everyone was bashing on her and calling her names and putting her down and suing her. She always told me she wanted to have her kids with me. There's always a possibility. Poor Anna. I hope she's in peace wherever she is."
Vegas might as well put odds on who the next guy is to come out and claim Dannielynn as their own. 500-1 on the spirit of Christopher Columbus? Sure, I'll put $10 on it.
Leave it to a crotchety old man on CNN to sum up how 95% of American news reporters felt last week. There's about 353 more important stories yet most channels had round the clock coverage on Anna Nicole Smith's death. I guess I can understand CNN and MSNBC, but when the Weather Channel had that roundtable discussion, that was going overboard. I probably made that up.
As if this Anna Nicole Smith saga couldn't get any crazier, Anna's late husband, Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall, may have had his sperm frozen before he died, which Anna then used to impregnate herself. The accusation is being levied by Anna's half sister, Donna Hogan, in a tell-all book being shopped to publishers. In the appropriately-named "Train Wreck" Hogan reveals:
"I wouldn't be shocked at all if it's J. Howard's. She saved his sperm after all and that maybe [sic] her trump card in her fight to get the old man's estate." Hogan wrote that when her half-sister announced to the world she was pregnant, she declined to name the father. "To her family, she hinted that she had used the old man's frozen sperm, and would be giving birth to Howard Marshall's child." (Source)
For those of you keeping score, this now makes four men claiming to be the father of Anna's daughter, Dannielynn Hope (Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, and now Marshall). My Dad eats live scorpions as a hobby and even he thinks this is crazy. It's like some sort of bizzaro white-trash fantasy you only see in the dirtiest of porn movies. If Anna didn't have money, these guys would be answering every reporter's question with "No speaka da english."
More of Anna with the reason they invented Viagra after the jump...
America Online TMZ managed to find some pictures of what was in Anna Nicole Smith's fridge right after she died. Among the items were cans of of Slim Fast, spray butter, and a bottle of methadone. Talk about a bad week for TrimSpa. Not only does their spokesman die but now proof comes out that she was using the competitor's product. This has really shaken my faith in the diet pills industry. If only there was some other proven way to lose weight. Perhaps an exercise program of some sort...
One more pic after the jump...
The theme of this week's "Weekend at the Movies" is--surprise, surprise--Anna Nicole Smith. On Friday the doctor told me the best way to cope with the loss of Anna is to spend the weekend searching for awesome video clips of Anna.
Like my body? No, actually, I don't.
Anna Nicole birth video. It's as bad as it sounds
ADtv's take on Anna Nicole. Eerie death scene around the 3 minute mark.
Here's the latest on the Anna Nicole Smith situation. The theory floating around the internet today is that drugs were the cause of her death (shocking I know). Crime scene investigators from the Broward County Sheriff's Office found illegal narcotics and prescription medications inside Anna's room (they left the hotel last night "carrying several brown bags" of evidence). Additionally, witnesses at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel told Us Magazine that Anna appeared to be having medical problems shortly before her death:
“Anna looked extremely bloated when she vomited out something white before having a seizure early this afternoon. The reaction was so violent that people in the hotel thought she had some tragic food poisoning. But we were told it was a drug overdose by the people who saw it.” (Source)
According to Dr. Joshua Perper, the chief Broward County medical examiner, the definitive cause of Anna Nicole's death could take weeks to find:
"I am not a prophet, and I cannot tell you before the autopsy what I am going to find," Mr Perper said. (Source)
Well guess what, I am a prophet and I know what's gonna be found: 90 TrimSpa pills, 27 Vicodins, 10 Oxycontins, a license plate, a buoy, and maybe a fishing lure or two. 39-year-old women don't die from natural causes. Unless of course they're leaving me hefty inheritances. But that's between me, my Aunt, and her coffee that tastes like rat poison. sippy sippy
12:50 PM UPDATE: The medical examiner is saying that there were no illegal drugs found in Anna's system, only prescription:
Medical Examiner Dr. Joshua Perper said that there were minor bruises on her back from a few days before. He suspects that it may have been either a combination of drugs that killed her, or a combination of natural causes. (Source)
To sum it up, it was either natural causes or it wasn't. Everything makes sense now!
Because movies mean I'm still hungover!
