Archive: Anna Nicole Smith

All class that Anna Nicole

Anna Nicole Smith died exactly one year ago today. For you kids out there too young to remember her, Anna was a trend setter of sorts. She was the Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse of her time. Anna made waking up in a pool of your own vomit cool again. It was Anna who brought sexy back — and by ’sexy’ I mean ‘drug-induced blackouts’. I’d like to think there’s a little piece of Anna in all the crazy, methed-out bitches in Hollywood today. This one’s for you Anna:

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I’ve got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero?
You’re everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?
You’re everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.

I just realize it’s been like two months since I’ve posted a good Anna Nicole Smith anecdote. Kid Rock to the rescue! He told the May issue of Maxim about an encounter he had with Anna at last year’s Kentucky Derby:

“I had my son with me, and she strolls in shooting a TV show, so I politely ask her ‘Miss, we’re just trying to have a good time, and you’ve got those fucking cameras rolling,’ And she was like, ‘Fuck you.’ So I was like ‘Fuck me? Fuck you. You’re a fucking pig.’ Then she gave my son 300 bucks. I didn’t know about it until we got home ’cause he bought some Nintendo shit. I’m like, ‘Where did you get the money?’ He’s like, ‘That blond girl with the big boobs gave it to me.’ ” (Source)

This story is sending the wrong messages to the youth of America. 1. Typically, you’re supposed to GIVE the blonde girl with the big boobs $300, not receive it. 2. When at the race track, put your money on Barbaro, not Super Mario. And 3. It is not acceptable to use the word “fuck” five times in one story. For Christ’s sake, mix in a “shit” or an “asshole” occasionally.

FYI, Anna Nicole Smith’s diaries are being auctioned off by Dallas-based Heritage Auction Galleries in a few weeks. Late Thursday the auction house released a few pages to the press to star drumming up some publicity. I’ve highlighted some of the better excerpts. Please note that all spelling mistakes are, of course, Anna’s own (when I copied this article into MS Word to count the spelling mistakes, smoke began pouring out of my computer):

After receiving a call from Paul Marciano, CEO of Guess Inc., Anna Nicole wrote:

“O my Gosh!! Paul Marsiano called today to see if I got his books also I’m gonna go to San Antonio to do photo shoot. I’m so excited!! I can’t believe this. This could be it.” The entry ends with five smiley faces.

After buying $3,000 worth of clothing at Neiman Marcus:

“I’m so happy they look great. I hope it empresses Paul Marsiano. … I’m starving!! I’ve been starving myself.”

Regarding J. Howard Marshall II, the elderly oil tycoon she would eventually marry:

“Howard has been buying me som jewelry but he call me 15 or 20 times a day it drives me crazy. I love him but he aggravates me somtimes. I don’t no what to do about Paul hes strange guy. I hate for men to want sex all the time.”

The entry ends with the word “Chow!” written in large letters and underlined.

While married to Marshall:

“Hes so very weak and fragile When I touch him Im afraid he might break,” she wrote in an undated entry. “If Jesus desides to take him I dont no what I’ll do. I love him so much it hurts me to site and watch him when hes hurting I just want to hold him touch him let him no how much I care.” (Source)

Does anyone else have a weird feeling in their stomach that maybe Anna’s death is what was needed for the world to appreciate her true genius? No? OK, maybe it’s just the tapeworm. I should really see a doctor about it, or just start wearing shoes when I go outside.

With that, I bid adieu for a weekend full of crimefighting and adventure.

XOXOXO,

Nick

Broward County authorities revealed Monday that Anna Nicole Smith–surprise, surprise–died of a drug overdose. Tests done on Anna’s body revealed nine different prescriptions drugs in her system. NINE. A “major factor” in her death was chloral hydrate, a drug used to treat insomnia and alcohol withdrawal, relieve anxiety, and ease post-surgery pain. One of the sexy, “contributing causes” to Anna’s death was abscesses on her butt caused by “injections and and an intestinal inflammation.” Chief Medical Examiner Dr. Joshua Perper revealed at a news conference:

“The cause of death was combined drug intoxication. It looks like she died of natural causes.” (Source)

Wait, what? The guy just said in the previous sentence that Anna died from “combined drug intoxication.” Umm, having nine different kinds of drugs in your system doesn’t sound that natural to me. Unless we’re talking about my Grandma. They used to call her the “medicine cabinet” back in High School. They also used to call her “Cucumber Mary” but, trust me, it’s best I don’t go into the details behind that one.

According to videographer Norm Pardo, O.J. Simpson may be the baby daddy of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter, Dannielynn Hope. Pardo became friendly with O.J. while amassing hours of footage of him between 2000 and 2005. Though it’s extremely unlikely O.J. is the father, he did know Anna Nicole, having worked with her on the film Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult in 1994. According to Pardo, after Anna Nicole died Simpson began joking that he might be the father:

“I hope they don’t do a DNA test on Anna Nicole’s baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don’t want Fred Goldman [the father of Ron Goldman, who was killed by O.J.]trying to seize her money - or the baby herself.”

Pardo also revealed:

“[O.J.] said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father.” (Source)

I don’t know who this O.J. Simpson character is but he seems like kind of a dick. I just did a Google search on him and he appears to be black. And since Dannielynn is whiter than a dude that’s allergic to the sun, science says that O.J. can’t possible be the father. Science also says the real father of my son is Jose, the Mexican dude that lives across the street. Screw you science, you lying son-of-a-bitch!

Anna Nicole Smith’s funeral is today in the Bahamas. And it’s just about as crazy as you thought it would be. Let’s try something new and play a little game here. Which one of these things didn’t happen today at her funeral?:

1. Anna Nicole’s body was brought to the church in a white hearse rollin’ on chrome dubs.
2. While Anna Nicole’s body was traveling to the church, Anna’s mom, Virgie Arthur, filed a petition with a Bahamian judge to stop the funeral
3. There was an Academy Awards-style red carpet leading into the church
4. One of the guests attending the funeral was Guns ‘n’ Roses guitarist Slash
5. While being led into the church Anna’s spirit rose from the casket, giggled, and flashed the crowd. Before descending back into the casket, Anna led the crowd in an over-the-top rendition of “There’s No Business Like Show Business”

Ha! Trick question–they all happened!

(Source)

It took longer than expected but a Scientologist has finally weighed in on the death of Anna Nicole Smith. In a recent interview, noted cult “church” member John Travolta–who appeared with Anna Nicole in the movie Be Cool–expressed disappointment that the former model never turned to the wacky religion to help in her struggle to get clean:

“It’s so sad. We could have helped her with Narconon but didn’t get a chance to. I wish we had.” (Source)

Narconon–like most things attached to Scientology–is very controversial. Most health professionals familiar with the program have questioned its effectiveness–despite the fact supporters swear by it. According to Wikipedia, a typical Narconon treatment session includes the following:

The first player tosses a marker (typically a stone, coin or bean bag) into the first square. The marker must land completely within the designated square and without touching a line or bouncing out. If the marker lands in the wrong square, the player forfeits a turn. If the marker is successful, the player hops through the court beginning on square one. Side by side squares are straddled, with the left foot landing in the left square, and the right foot landing in the right square.

WTF? This treatment sounds suspiciously like hopscotch. I know Scientologists are pretty crazy, but this is just ridiculous … wait a minute my mistake, I had the wrong page open, that actually is hopscotch. Here’s a real description of a Narconon “training routine” known as TR 8:

It involves the individual commanding an ashtray to “stand up” and “sit down”, and thanking it for doing so, as loudly as they can. Former Scientologists say that the purpose of the drill is for the individual to “beam” their “intention” into the ashtray to make it move.

Ummm … I like the hopscotch treatment better.

The National Enquirer has learned that Anna Nicole Smith died of pneumonia–not a drug overdose. According to a source close to the investigation, the prescription painkillers Anna was taking may have masked the symptoms and possibly quickened the effects of the pneumonia. From the Enquirer:

The preliminary findings reveal that tests performed during the autopsy show Anna Nicole had a severe case of pneumonia. Prescription drugs that she had taken made the condition worse and did play a role in her death. The full toxicology report has not yet been completed. Anna Nicole had previously been hospitalized for pneumonia in the Bahamas after her son died. (Source)

Wait, “pneumonia” is just a euphemism for “massive heroine overdose,” right? Oh it’s not? Well then I’m confused. Because sickly old people in the 1930s die of pneumonia, not 38-year-old adults in 2007. What’s next, Britney Spears dying of shingles? Or maybe Paris Hilton dropping dead from a nasty case of whooping cough.

Potential baby daddy Larry Birkhead dropped some bombshells on Howard K. Stern during their court appearance in Florida yesterday. Birkhead claimed that while Anna was in the hospital attempting to kick her prescription drug habit, Stern “thwarted efforts to get her off” by sneaking a bag of pills into her. Oh yeah, she was four months pregnant at the time. Anna’s condition was so bad during the two-week stay that doctors put the former model on suicide watch after she started ripping her IVs out. Anna’s Mom Virgie Arthur also lashed out at Stern:

“Howard was there when he [grandson Daniel] died, and Howard was there when my daughter died, and he has my granddaughter now and it’s not even his child and I’m afraid for her life as well. Please help us!” (Source)

Is there anyone more hated in the country right now than Howard K. Stern? I could go on a spree killing at a battered wives’ shelter and come off looking better than this guy. What he needs is something catastrophic to happen in this country. Remember when Paula Poundstone was accused of molesting her own foster kids? No? That’s because the goddamn World Trade Centers were knocked down like the day after all that shit about her came out. Hmmm, that’s an awfully convenient “coincidence” …

*cough*paulapoundstoneisaterrorist*cough*

Just six months before her surprising death, Anna Nicole Smith reached out to fellow wackjob Britney Spears via a video message. Anna and Britney were both eight months pregnant and expecting their second child at the time. Anna’s words (via Us Magazine):

“If you see this for some oddball reason - because I look at your stuff, too [referring to Spears’ Web site] - and you want to be friends, I would love so much to hang out with you. I think you’re totally cool, and I think we’re about to have babies around the same time…I would just love to meet you.”

“You can call my lawyer, my best friend, my confidant Howard Stern. I think everyone has his number. He’ll give it out to you, Britney. Take cares [sic], and I hope that you do great on your second pregnancy. I’m sure you won’t even see this, but if you do, I’d really love to talk to you. Bye.” (Source)

Of course no meeting ever took place. According to a source:

“Britney is so wrapped up in her own world and herself that she just doesn’t care.”

Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith in the same room together–with children? That can’t possibly be legal. I’d give Dannielynn and Jayden five minutes alone with those two before one of them caught on fire. You might as well just throw them into a room with some kind of a hybrid Michael Jackson/Paula Poundstone super molester. Sure the molestation scars would haunt them for a lifetime, but at least there’d be no physical injuries.