Rosie O'Donnell almost nailed Angelina Jolie Yesterday on the Howard Stern Show, Rosie O'Donnell admitted the unthinkable. She could have banged Angelina Jolie. GTFOOH. From
Us Weekly:
"She gave me her phone number," O'Donnell recalls.
"We talked on the phone two or three times, but that was that . . .There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through." she said. "I was a little afraid of her. She's scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still."
Angelina Jolie. Rosie O'Donnell. Naked. Together. Scissoring. *shudders* It's gonna take hours of smoking hot lesbian porn to get that image out of my head.
Hours. There goes my Saturday. *sigh*
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (8/10)
"I nailed Angelina Jolie and her mom." Wow, that might be the coolest thing a guy has ever said. From
X17:
Andrew Morton, the controversial biographer of Princess Diana and Monica Lewinsky, has written an explosive new biography about Angelina Jolie, claiming that she slept with her mother [Marcheline Bertrand's] live-in lover when she was just 16.
"Marcheline had a live-in boyfriend whom she was very much in love with, but Ange slept with him when she was 16 and barely out of school," a source tells Now Magazine. Marcheline broke up with herboyfriend when she found out the truth, but it caused a rift between mother and daughter that took several years to repair.
"When Ange admitted the story to her brother James just a few weeks ago, even he turned on her," the source says. "She has hardly anyone left in life who likes or trusts her."
It's easy to understand why Marcheline was so upset over the whole incident -- how could she possibly compete with a 16-year-old lolita like Angelina Jolie? That's like putting Webster up against LeBron James in a game of one-on-one. I'm sure we can all agree on one thing: the real monster here is the boyfriend for
taking advantage of such a young girl not taking pictures.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag arriving at LAX airport (8/24)
Spencer Pratt's new book might get him his ass kicked by Brad Pitt (hopefully the badass Brad Pitt from
Troy). Pratt blasts Angelina Jolie, calling her a "home-wrecking head case." From the
New York Post:
In "How to Be Famous," the reality TV train wreck marvels at Pitt's personal PR mastery. What impresses the love-to-hate-him "Hills" villain most? The way "Inglourious Basterds" star Pitt handled his 2005 split from America's sweetheart, Jennifer Aniston.
"There literally is not another situation in the history of Hollywood where a man left a woman as beloved as Jennifer Aniston for someone like Angelina Jolie (a home-wrecking head case) and still ended up the good guy," Pratt writes in the tome, due in November from Grand Central Publishing. "We salute you, Mr. Pitt!"
What's most surprising about this story isn't that Spencer actually thinks he has some moral high ground from which to judge famous people (like I do), it's that he's actually having a book published. If I wanted to read the opinions of an attention-whoring, loudmouthed imbecile, I wouldn't read a book written by Spencer Pratt. I'd visit Perez's site.
Angelina Jolie Angelina Jolie at the US premiere of
Inglourious Basterds at Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood (8/10)
Angelina Jolie at the commemoration of "World Refugee Day" at the National Geographic Society in Washington (6/18)
In 1999, Angelina Jolie won a Golden Satellite Award for her work in the made-for-television movie
Gia. In 2000, she won an Oscar for her work in
Girl, Interrupted. In 2001, she won a Blockbuster Entertainment Award for her work in
Gone in Sixty Seconds. In 2005, she won a People's Choice Award for "Favorite Female Action Movie Star." In 2006, she won a Ciné Award for "Best Kiss" in
Mr & Mrs. Smith. In 2008, she won a Satellite Award for her work in
Changeling. In 2009, she took home another People's Choice Award for "Favorite Female Action Movie Star." Guess which award qualifies her to be President? Hint:
none. But that's not stopping her. A friend of her's told UK newspaper
Daily Express:
"Ange has admitted she’s getting bored with Hollywood. She said she’s now got her sights set on Washington. She is passionate about people’s rights, war and justice and thinks she can get more hands-on and make even more of a difference by getting into politics. She admires Obama and thinks she could make a big difference too if she were in his position.
"I would place a huge wager on her becoming the first female president in the next 20 years. When Ange sets her mind on something, she goes all out to do it. She’s very determined and gets very stirred by her UN work. She is well respected for her humanitarian work and I’m sure she would make as many waves if she moved fully into the political world.”
When will celebrities realize that no one wants to hear their god damn opinions about world politics? Angelina's about as qualified as an egomaniacal lunatic to be President of the United States . . . so a lot like our last ten. If Angelina really believes she can "make a big difference" in US policy, there's one Cabinet position I think we can all agree that she is uniquely qualified for: Secretary of BJs. You know that's how George Washington met Martha, right? She was so talented, she could suck-start a horse-drawn carriage.
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds at the Cannes Film Festival (5/20)
While it looks like
those breakup rumors about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie weren't true, things aren't exactly going well in their relationship. Her birthday party earlier this month in Long Island (which Brad flew in from L.A. for) was a disaster. And it's all thanks to that no good bitch Jennifer Aniston. A "close friend" of the couple's told
In Touch Weekly:
"Brad made an effort to be with Angie. He was really hoping they would get along and enjoy themselves. Things were going fine, and then Angie started accusing Brad of meeting Jen in LA. It turned into a massive blowup, which left Brad more disillusioned than ever."
According to another pal, Brad didn’t stick around to argue. "He told her straight out that he’s had enough and was out of there," the pal reveals. Four days later, Brad was spotted visiting Angelina on the Washington, D.C., set of her film Salt. But the pal says they’re just going through the motions for appearance’s sake. "Angelina has cried a lot of tears over Brad." Another confidante agrees: "This split has been simmering for months, and unless something drastic happens, it is going to boil over very soon. The only thing keeping Brad from officially walking out is their six kids."
It's obvious why Brad keeps reducing Angelina to tears: he's
insensitive cheating with Jen discovered what most guys already know about sex -- it's better when she cries. Oh, and I don't think it's the six kids that's keeping Brad from "officially walking out," it's Angelina's vindictive nature. Any guy that walks out on her, better be prepared to wake up with a horse's head in their bed . . . still attached to the horse.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds at the Cannes Film Festival (5/20)
The
National Enquirer is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have officially split up. The final straw for Angelina was apparently Brad's continued contact with ex-wife Jennifer Aniston. Angelina Jolie, karma. Karma, Angelina Jolie. Pleased you two could meet. A source told the tabloid:
"They will make it official. It looks like Brad will be shooting two movies in California and in the Amazon, while Angelina is retreating to their French chateau with the rest of the family. It's an official split. Brad and Angelina will make appearances together from time to time, and he'll meet up with the kids when he can. But make no mistake, this is a major split."
It's gonna be ridiculous how much rebound sex Brad Pitt's gonna have over the next month. I think the best analogy would be to imagine Brad's penis as a loose fire hose, turned on to full blast, whipping and spraying everywhere. But instead of fireman getting soaked, it'll be a bunch of random club whores.
Wow, that analogy was truly beautiful.
Angelina Jolie on the set of Salt in New York (4/23)
Angelina Jolie is a complete mess. According to those working on the set of her new film
Salt, the actress is slowly breaking down, spending hours at a time alone in her trailer. There's even fears that Angelina may be cutting again (she's admitted to self-harming in the past). A source told Britain's
Now magazine:
"Angie’s been crying in her trailer most days and is barely eating. She keeps forgetting her lines and she’s been shaking and staring into space. In fact, it’s been so bad that some crew members have suspected she’s using drugs, although that’s out of the question.
"But the ones who know her realize it could be something much, much worse if she’s self-harming. When she’s at home she just about holds it together, but she stays up listening to the same song over and over and rarely sleeps."
It's true. Angelina has been known to "self-harm" herself. Case in point: her marriage to Billy Bob Thornton. Let's just hope for my right hand's sake she doesn't harm what I consider her most attractive asset:
her lips her breasts her bank account. Oh, and if anyone's wondering what song Angelina listens to when she cries herself to sleep at night, it's
Jessica Andrews' classic
Who I Am Karma. And Jennifer Aniston is pressing the play button.
Angelina Jolie filming Salt in New York (3/21)
The air is crisp, the flowers are blooming, and the birds are chirping. The Angelina Jolie pregnancy rumor season is officially upon us.
Star brings us the first one:
In the April 27 issue of Star — on sale today! — we exclusively reveal that Hollywood's most famous parents, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, are adding another child to their clan.
"Yes, Angie is pregnant," a family insider tells Star. "They'd been trying for another baby for months, but it was still a total shock when she found out. Brad and Angie have been fighting so much lately, it just didn't seem possible."
A source close to the actress confirms that Angie is about two and a half months along. "She's thrilled. She said she knew she was pregnant before the test confirmed it!" But she kept the news from Brad, only telling him when he returned from a trip to New Orleans at the end of March. "It happened just in time, because things were getting pretty ugly between them," says one source.
In summary, she's definitely not knocked up. There have been countless pregnancy rumors about Angelina over the past few years. If they were all true she'd have 25 babies and a reality show on TLC by now. "Tune in this Sunday for the season premiere of
Brad, Angelina, and Her Amazing Clown Car Vagina."
Brad Pitt leaving an office building in Beverly Hills (2/22)
According to the
National Enquirer, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's "fairytale romance" has imploded. Wow, who could have seen that coming. Put your hand down
Jennifer. I mean it. We're not in class. From the tabloid:
Brad Pitt has moved out after a furious bust-up with Angelina Jolie - and friends fear the couple is heading for an ugly legal battle that will tear their family apart! The Enquirer has also learned Brad plans to ask for custody of ALL six children if their split ends up in court, where a judge may have to work out who gets what of their $200 million fortune.
Insiders say the couple's fairytale romance imploded when Brad, 45, confronted Angelina over not devoting enough time to him, while he's been caring for their children - Maddox, 7, Pax, 5, Zahara, 4, Shiloh, 2, and 8-month-old twins Knox and Vivienne.
"It ended up with a big shouting match," an insider told The Enquirer. "They may end up splitting for good, and if it comes to that, Brad is going to ask for custody of all the children," the insider said. (Source)
This story is fake for one obvious reason: No guy on earth would want sole custody of six kids -- especially if three of them aren't even yours. What's more likely is that a guy would actually pay his ex to keep his annoying kids as far away from him as possible. These payments would be for the children's welfare and presumably made on a monthly basis -- as a kind of "support" if you will. If only there were a legal term for that type of arrangement . . .
