Angelina Jolie bought an island
Angelina Jolie is apparently buying Brad Pitt a $20 million island for his 50th birthday. It's on Lake Mahopac in New York and it would make an amazing secret prison for children . . . I mean, if you're into that sort of thing. From the Mirror
Angelina, 38, was particularly excited after discovering its two homes were designed by Brad's favourite architect Frank Lloyd Wright. Petra Island is a mere 50 miles north of New York City and has its own helicopter landing pad, plus it's of course accessible from the mainland by boat. Two dwellings sit on the island - a 1,200-square-foot cottage, and a 5,000-square-foot main residence which is nothing short of an architectural masterpiece. The island itself is 11 acres in size and is situated on New York's very private Lake Mahopac.
A source revealed: "As soon as Angelina heard the island was on the market she arranged a viewing. She was really impressed. The house is perfect for romantic getaways or as a family retreat. It's very private. And Angelina knows the fact the island is in the shape of a heart will mean so much to him."
Now THAT is how the one percenters prepare for the zombie apocalypse, bitches. While the rest of us mouth breathers are canning peaches and stockpiling WW2-era weaponry in crawl spaces, Angelina bought herself her own goddamn fantasy island -- complete with guest home, heated swimming pool, and, rumor has it, a private Los Angeles-class attack submarine painted in gold (just like her Oscar and dildo collection). Recession? Who says we're still in a recession? Actually, that application I just filled out at Walmart says so, for starters. *15 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:
Angelina Jolie shopping in Gold Coast, Australia
I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think Angelina Jolie's arms may be possessed and/or a manifestation of Lucifer himself. We may have to douse her with holy water from the Jordan River.*15 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:
Angelina Jolie leaving David Jones department store in Sydney, Australia
The Presidential Suite at the InterContinental Hong Kong may be $12k/night, but does it come with free semen on the bedspread and a Bible in the nightstand? Gimme the Holiday Inn any day of the week. From Life & Style
Life & Style has learned that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent $12,468 a night on the Presidential Suite of China's five-star InterContinental Hong Kong hotel for a recent three-day stay. The 7,000-square-foot pad boasts five bedrooms, a living room with floor-to-ceiling windows, kitchenette, private study, gym and 24-hour personal butler service for those late-night requests!
Despite the A-list amenities, Brad, 49, and Angelina, 38, didn't stay holed up. "Brad stopped into a Chinese coffee shop called Maxims for tea while Angie went shopping with the kids," an eyewitness tells the new issue of Life & Style, on stands now. "They all looked like they were having a great time."
This isn't a story. Of course Brad and Angie had a good time in Communist China. While the great unwashed get herded into tourist traps like Disney World and running the pickpocket's gauntlet we lovingly call Times Square, we one percenters are taking holidays in countries with abysmal human rights records -- because we can, bitches. Sure, the Chinese might have a billion citizens living under the poverty line, but classy peeps like the Pitt-Jolies and myself don't ever come within 10 miles of them due to our government-provided security details. Think of us next time you're corralling that giant waterbug out of your $20-a-night motel room. We'll probably be in some Congolese or Cuban 5 star hotel, eating hors d'oeuvres made from baby seal earlobes. *5 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:
Zahara Jolie-Pitt cleaning a hotel room window in Sydney, Australia
It's one thing for Angelina Jolie to adopt a kid from Ethiopia to bring the world's attention to the plight of orphans in developing nations, but it's another thing entirely to adopt one because you need some extra help around the house. This is simply outrageous.
*10 Zahara Jolie-Pitt pictures total in the gallery:
Angelina Jolie arriving on a flight at LAX airport
Angelina Jolie seems like she'd be all uptight, but nope. She's actually cool as hell
and I may have to start stalking her
According to The Sun, the pair recently rented the Calabogie Motorsports Park in Canada and spent the day racing each other in Mustangs and Porsches before switching to motorbikes. A source revealed:
"Angie flew to Canada to scope out some potential filming venues for her movie Unbroken a couple of weeks ago. Brad and the kids went too but they vowed to get some couple time together during the trip so they booked out Calabogie racetrack for a day ... Neither of them have driven fast cars or motorbikes for some time. They haven't even flown Angie's private plane so it really got their adrenaline going and they both loved it."
Damn it, I hate when I shit on celebrities who turn out to be pretty damn cool -- and racing cars and motorbikes is pretty damn cool. Between that and buzzing the control towers on aircraft carriers with the fancy jet they recently purchased
, Brad and Angie are pretty much living life as if they're doing a movie of my daydreams. Now, if these two all of a sudden start fighting crime as if the Punisher and Batman teamed up, then I'll have to say that Brangelina must have implanted a chip in my brain . . . or my psychotic break is finally happening. Wait, why are all these spiders crawling on me?*20 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:
Jennifer Aniston arriving at LAX airport from London
Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie were *this* close to being on the same British Airways flight out of London on Sunday, until someone at the airline had to go and spoil all the awkward fun by calling Jennifer's people. What a dick. From E!
E! News has learned Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston were both scheduled to be flying first class on the same British Airways flight--unbeknownst to the actresses--out of LAX to London's Heathrow airport Sunday night. But according to a well-placed source at Heathrow, an employee realized the flight might be awkward for Brad Pitt's current and former partners and informed Camp Aniston about the potentially uncomfortable situation.
Jennifer's schedule was subsequently changed, and she flew out Monday instead. Sources also insist both ladies were blissfully unaware of the reason behind the switcheroo and had no idea they were originally meant to be on the same flight.
I'm starting to think that the empty suits at British Airways are in need of retraining. Why? Because even though Naomi Campbell had her flight ban lifted by the Queen's airline, they won't allow Brad Pitt's cum dumpsters to share an armrest in the Snooty Section of the very same royal flying machine. What up with that, yo? All Jen and Angie would do is shoot ice daggers at each other while sipping on champagne spritzers . . . until . . . is that a sparkle in Jen's eye? BOOM! This whole cheating saga finally comes full circle with a torrid make out session in the lavatory followed by a quickie wedding in California with Jen wearing Vera Wang and Angelina in one of those lesbian suits, while a dumbfound Brad Pitt sits alone halfway across the world cursing the irony. The end.*20 Jennifer Aniston pictures total in the gallery:
Brad Pitt arriving on a flight at LAX airport
This story should bring a reminiscent smile to your face, as I think we can all remember the first time we bought a fiancee a private jet. June 2, 2008 -- I still remember the date. Via Contact
[Brad Pitt] has splashed out on the aircraft for his fiancee - who has held a pilot's licence since 2004 - to enable the couple to see each other more as he is currently shooting World War II movie 'Fury' in London, while the brunette beauty is directing war film 'Unbroken' in Hawaii.
A source told Heat magazine: "Brad wanted to gift Angelina with a jet for trips between the set of Fury in London and her set of Unbroken. He told her that she can choose the plane and he will pay, that way, they can fly back and forth to see each other, and Angelina's always wanted to fly a jet across the ocean anyway."
Awe, Angie's first jet. Buying your first jet is like getting head for the first time -- it's the best you can ever feel when completely sober. Flying dangerously close to passenger planes and buzzing cruise ship towers is more fun than I could ever describe, but here's a fact of life that will help you as much as its helped me: The laws of physics are like Oprah -- rigid, unforgiving, and morbidly obese. Your status as a one percenter will not be taken into consideration if you decide to lawn-dart your plane into the Pacific Ocean, so make sure you pack yourself toe tag floaters and shark repellant should you decide to fly drunk . . . right, JFK, Jr.?
*10 Brad Pitt pictures total in the gallery:
Angelina Jolie arriving at Tokyo Narita International Airport in Japan
Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their gang of refugees flew into Tokyo on Sunday, and it looks like Angelina forgot her bra on the plane. Because of the wild, drug-fueled orgy that happens behind the curtains in first class on nearly every international flight where the only rule is that there are no rules? Yes, coach passengers, you're exactly right.*10 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery:
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt at the premiere of World War Z at the Empire Leicester Square in London
Angelina Jolie made her first appearance yesterday since revealing last month that she underwent a double mastectomy
because of cancer fears, but the real story of the night was Brad Pitt's hair. Does he wash and condition separately, or use a 2-in-1 product? Does he use a round brush, or prefer the more classic paddle design? How often do Angelina and he have salon days, and just how fabulous are they? Inquiring minds want to know, Brad.*35 Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt pictures total in the gallery:
Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy
In an op-ed piece she wrote today in the New York Times
, Angelina Jolie reveals that she had a preventative double mastectomy back in February. For those of you not up-to-date on your medical terminology, that means she had her boobs cut off because she didn't want cancer. She wrote:
...I carry a "faulty" gene, BRCA1, which sharply increases my risk of developing breast cancer and ovarian cancer.
My doctors estimated that I had an 87 percent risk of breast cancer and a 50 percent risk of ovarian cancer, although the risk is different in the case of each woman.
Only a fraction of breast cancers result from an inherited gene mutation. Those with a defect in BRCA1 have a 65 percent risk of getting it, on average.
Once I knew that this was my reality, I decided to be proactive and to minimize the risk as much I could. I made a decision to have a preventive double mastectomy. I started with the breasts, as my risk of breast cancer is higher than my risk of ovarian cancer, and the surgery is more complex.
Wow, it's pretty shocking that Angelina started this whole process back in February and no one found out until now. Props to the doctors for not trying to cash in. Do you know how much Angelina Jolie's tits would sell for on eBay?*10 Angelina Jolie pictures total in the gallery: