Archive: Angelina Jolie

Porn star? I would have never guessed.

Apparently Angelina Jolie is friends with hardcore porn star (and Celebslam personal fave *wink*) Tera Patrick. Jolie’s been emailing Patrick lately seeking advice on her career. Wait, what? Why does she never respond to my emails? A source told the New York Post:

“They are friends and keep in touch via e-mail. She and Angie have a girl-talk thing going. After seeing reports that she’ll land the lead role [as Catwoman in the next Batman movie], Jolie asked Patrick what she thought. Tera had such insights into the role that Jolie cracked, ‘You should do it!’ ” (Source)

Angelina going to Tera Patrick for advice about the role of Catwoman is genius . . . since Tera knows more about pussy than a gynecologist. Other things Tera’s an expert on that might prove useful for the role of Catwoman: leather, whips, and having her face covered.

[WENN]

Angelina’s photospread flops

Even though People magazine dropped millions on the exclusive first pics of Brad and Angelina’s impossible perfect twins, the issue bombed. You mean it was a bad idea to pay mid-seven-figures for baby pictures when the babies don’t even have something cool like a horn (People and Hello! split the estimated $12-$14 million cost)? I mean, who could have seen that coming? From CoverAwards:

According to an industry source exclusively to CoverAwards, the People Magazine cover featuring Brad Pitt and Angelina’s twins allegedly sold 2.5 million copies on the newsstand.

What were they expecting to sell? If this is the case, it would be a “huge disappointment as Time Inc. was predicting it would be well over 3 million after spending nearly $6 million,” according to the source. (Source)

What’s even more surprising is that Time Inc. actually sold 2.5 million copies in the first place. Who pays money for a couple of baby pictures when you can see those same pics on the Internet for free? It’s just like porn. Why buy expensive videos when the Internet has all the amputee porn you could ever masturbate to normal porn that’s definitely not weird you could ever need? If I really wanted to pay for something I could get for free off of the Internet, I’d buy a CD.

Angelina wants an earthquake orphan

Angelina Jolie already wants to adopt another kid. Of course she does. It’s been nearly three weeks since she last gave birth. This time Angelina wants to save China. A source told Britain’s Star magazine:

“Angelina is devastated over the earthquake that occurred in China in May. She has been in constant touch with relief workers as part of her UN involvement, and even got her hands on photos of a few orphaned kids. She’s made overtures offering a home to one earthquake orphan, or even two if they are siblings.” (Source)

You know what’d be really funny? If it turned out that Angelina Jolie wasn’t kind-hearted at all but was really running a sweat shop in her basement. The only reason she’s adopting these kids is because she needs their tiny hands to sew the buttons into her new line of women’s wear she’s releasing this fall. Besides the whole forced child labor thing, you gotta admit that would be pretty hilarious.

Shiloh and one of the twins

Holy shit. The only way that pic could possibly be any cuter is if Shiloh was balancing a puppy on top of her head.

UPDATE: That was fast. Had to take them down.

[ONTD]

The Jolie-Pitt twins

Brad and Angelina unveiled their newborn twins on Sunday, Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline. People and Hello! paid $14 million combined for the exclusive (People gets USA rights and Hello! gets International rights.). The newborns look exactly like . . . newborns. There’s really nothing distinguishing about them. So go ahead and waste five bucks buying this week’s issue of People if you want to see pictures of what pretty much every newborn looks like — times two. The only way I’d pay that much to see someone’s baby pictures is if their baby had a horn or a birthmark on their back that looked like the Virgin Mary.

Brad Pitt riding an ATV in his French compound “Miraval” (7/22)

Brad Pitt took his daughter out for a spin on the ol’ ATV yesterday on his French compound. You’ll note that his 2-year-old daughter Shiloh is riding on his lap. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . OH MY GOD EVERYBODY IN THE MEDIA FREAK THE FUCK OUT!!!!

UPDATE: Had to take the pics down. Pitt and Jolie are suing anybody who even thinks about pics taken inside their compound.

Angelina Jolie gives birth to fraternal twins

After weeks of false alarms (see here and here), Angelina Jolie finally gave birth to her twins — a boy and a girl — late Saturday night in Nice, France. The picture below is the mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, showing the birth certificates for Angelina and Brad’s new kids, Knox Leon and sister Vivienne Marcheline, on Sunday. He told reporters assembled outside Fondation Lenval hospital:

“On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple in the world, who have chosen our city for this happy event. We are truly honored and thankful to have them here.” (Source)

For those of you keeping score at home, Angelina and Brad now have six kids. Which, coincidentally, is the perfect number of people to form an elite crew of international cat burglars. I’m just saying, those kids have been a little too quiet lately.

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Angelina Jolie had her twins again

Remember last month when Entertainment Tonight reported that Angelina had her twins. Except she didn’t. Well a French magazine is reporting that Angelina Jolie gave birth to her twins earlier this morning. Except maybe she didn’t. Closer magazine said:

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu’Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Translation: Angelina went into labor Tuesday night and gave birth this (Wednesday) morning in a French hospital. (Source)

Considering it’s still Tuesday in France — 5:35pm to be exact– saying that Angelina had her twins on Wednesday morning is a little suspicious. Unless they have a time machine. Oh shit, the French developed a time machine. I, I, I didn’t know. I take back everything I said about them. Now can I please borrow it to travel back to tenth century Norway. I’m a Viking!

[BauerGriffinOnline]

Not pictured: peace and quiet

Angelina Jolie hasn’t even given birth to her twins yet and she already wants to adopt another kid. An insider told OK! magazine:

“Angie and Brad have wanted an African boy for the last couple of years. They were initially going to have that adoption follow the addition of Pax last year, but that all changed when Angie got pregnant with twins last fall.”

Now the adoption will have to take place after the twins are born. The in-the-know source said the pair was well into the process of adopting a baby from Ethiopia before learning of Angelina’s latest pregnancy. (Source)

This is getting ridiculous. Brad and Angelina are turning into my grandmother (minus the soiled underwear and boring stories about condoms costing only a nickel). But instead of collecting little porcelain dolls, these two ego-maniacs are collecting the real thing. I just hope that Brad and Angelina realize (unlike grammy) that the main difference between kiln-glazed figurines and real people is that when you eventually grow tired of them, you can’t resell them on Craigslist . . . unless of course you’re these people.

[Pacific Coast News]

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are obscenely rich

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie dropped $140,000 earlier this month at popular L.A. baby boutique Petit Tresor on a nursery for their soon-to-be-born twin girls . . . actually $140,101 if you count the c note Brad used to light his cigar as he was exiting the store and the one dollar bill he crumpled up and threw at a homeless beggar. The New York Daily News has the details.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are preparing their L.A. manse for their twin girls. With the help of baby boutique Petit Tresor, the erstwhile Mr. and Mrs. Smith have created a $140,000 nursery that puts J.Lo and Marc Anthony’s baby haven to shame. Team Jolie-Pitt bought organza bassinets ($800), Versailles-style cribs ($3,200) with matching changing tables ($2,800), armoires ($4,500) and silk gliders. They even installed two pink crystal chandeliers for the girls at a cost of $899 each. But the couple bought basics, too, like loads of oh-so-practical cashmere baby toys. We also hear it took a team of three people from the store to assemble the nursery. (Source)

With the exclusive first pictures of their newborns rumored to be commanding $15 million+ from tabloids, word is that team of three Petit Tresor sent included one person to actually assemble the nursery and two to set up hidden cameras. Amateurs. With seven feet of coaxial cable, a 24 bit binary router, and a high resolution auto-focus Samsung SC-HMX10, that kind of invasive surveillance could have easily been set up in 12-13 minutes by just one person. I heard.

[Getty]