Recently in Amy Winehouse Category

Amy Winehouse at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival (5/8)

Amy Winehouse performed at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival last Friday night. And it went pretty well . . . if your definition of the world "well" is that no one died. So other than it going well, it went horribly, horribly wrong. From News of the World:

The crowd, who paid £33 for tickets, were shocked as Amy, 25, stumbled around on stage muttering to herself. She kept ordering roadies to bring more drinks, despite appearing to be on the verge of collapse, clinging to her microphone stand for support.

Then she began shouting at her backing singers for playing songs she'd never heard of - until they reminded her she wrote the tracks herself.

Amy - wearing a dirty bikini top and flashing her silver knickers - then slurred: "I'm just kind of bored." Mercifully, rain then caused a power cut. But Amy was so out of it she didn't notice and carried on singing, before slumping in a heap. 

Wow, how bad does Amy have to suck to actually get booed off stage? I mean, who the hell goes to an Amy Winehouse concert expecting anything but slurred words, confusion, and panty flashes? We're not talking about Paul McCartney here. Pretty much the only thing Amy could do where I would actually boo is throw her blood at me.

Amy Winehouse collapses yet again

How is Amy Winehouse not dead yet? She collapsed yet again over the weekend in St. Lucia. For those of you keeping score at home, Amy's now collapsed more times than the peso. ZING! From the Daily Mail:

Singer Amy Winehouse was taken to hospital in St Lucia last night after fainting, her spokesman said. The Grammy winner was kept in for a night for observation and was found to be dehydrated.

Her publicist in the UK Chris Goodman said: "She fainted at home and they took her in for observation, mainly to do with her medication to check everything was OK. They told her that she was dehydrated and needed to drink more water."

Winehouse had been 'running around' with a group of children before she fainted, he said.

What responsible adult would actually let their children "run around" with Amy Winehouse? Those kids would be safer playing hide-and-go-seek in a Lion exhibit wearing a zebra carcass . . . or even touring with Michael Jackson. The fact that Amy was dehydrated shouldn't surprise anyone either. Coming off of a high, she probably got confused and snorted the contents of a salt shaker.

Amy Winehouse wants to be a mom

I don't know how this would even be legal but Amy Winehouse supposedly wants to adopt (she's been unable to conceive naturally since around May of last year when she started storing crack pipes in her uterus). From OK!:

Amy Winehouse wants to adopt a child in St. Lucia. The singer is said to be desperate to give a child from the Caribbean island a home, and has vowed to settle there if it will improve her chances of success.

A source said: "Amy is seriously thinking about adopting. But she is aware it's going to be incredibly difficult with her background. She has always wanted to be a mother. She loves St. Lucia and would move there for good in order to adopt."

If one of the adoption agency's conditions for Amy is that she must move to St. Lucia, I'd suggest that all of Great Britain chip in for a bribe. Of course Amy is completely delusional if she thinks anyone would let her take care of a child. It's a fact that living with a deranged/drugged-out woman is generally not considered the best environment for a child.*
 
*See Britney Spears' two sons. Her youngest is a cross-dresser and her oldest routinely eats dog poop.

Amy Winehouse leaving the Hard Rock Cafe in London (3/31)

Can we stop using the phrase "shocked" when referring to Amy Winehouse's antics, unless it's in the context of "everyone was shocked Amy was speaking so eloquently" or "everyone was shocked Amy didn't pass out in a pile of her own vomit and urine." From the Daily Mail:

Amy Winehouse has stunned holidaymakers by allegedly streaking half-naked through her Caribbean hotel. The singer, who returned to the island of St Lucia from her London home last week, reportedly whipped off her bikini top on the beach and ran through the family-friendly five-star resort. Open-mouthed guests said she was babbling nonsense to herself and waving her arms in the air as she tore around the pool area where children were playing. Amy was apparently protesting after officials told her she couldn't parade topless on the sand.

"Everyone was shocked," said an onlooker. "One minute Amy was relaxing with friends on the beach and the next she was running around half-naked.  She seems to like lounging around topless and might have had enough of being told what to do. She was talking to herself as she ran and flailing her arms around but we couldn't tell what she was saying - it didn't make a bit of sense."

The people vacationing at the Caribbean resort should consider themselves lucky that they only saw Amy running around topless. An old pirate story -- "The Legend of Swashbuckler's Cove" -- has it that Amy once paraded around a resort bottomless. There was just one survivor -- a blind whore who ironically went by the name "Chastity" -- that lived to tell the tale. True story. If Amy's ever going to get over her demons and move on with her life, she's going to have to relocate to a place where being stimulated is frowned upon and having a good time just doesn't happen. My suggestion: Utah A taping of Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Amy Winehouse is back in London

Amy Winehouse's two-month St. Lucia vacation is over. The singer enjoyed a calm, relaxing flight back to London early Sunday morning. Just kidding, it was chaos. A witness told the Daily Mail:

"I was pretty shocked to look up and see Amy Winehouse hurtling through the plane and shouting. It’s just not what you expect. She had clearly been drinking and kept running between the different classes, which just isn’t what people do on planes. It was an overnight flight, so most people were just watching films or trying to sleep, and Amy’s antics really started annoying some other guests. She was acting more like a child than a star. It wasn’t funny, it was just annoying." (Source)

The Sun adds:

[Amy] flew back to London in a bid to save her turbulent marriage — but had to be pulled off a passenger. A pal said: "Amy went wild. She thought this guy was giving her strange looks and just lost it. She was nervous about coming back and seeing Blake so it didn’t take much to push her over the edge." (Source)

In other news, if you've ever wanted to visit St. Lucia, you better go now. The entire island is scheduled to be burned on Saturday. Thanks Amy!

Amy Winehouse switches teams

Quick, think of the most disturbing thing possible involving Amy Winehouse . . . if you're anything like me, the words "lesbian sex" immediately popped into your head. Oh hey, guess what. From the Daily Mirror:

Amy Winehouse has been blamed for splitting up a lesbian couple as she continues to cause havoc on her Caribbean break.  The jilted lesbian told friends how she and her partner had been partying with Amy, 25, for a couple of days.

Then one night her lover and Amy disappeared together. The woman told how she grew suspicious before bursting into their hotel room to find her 26-year-old partner and Amy, canoodling in bikinis. The stunned girlfriend said that, instead of apologising, Amy invited her to join in. But when she refused, the singer started hurling abuse at her.

The woman, who we are not naming, said: "It all got messy. Amy shouted at me for not joining in. It was a strange night."

A friend added: "She was devastated and cried for hours. It was a horrible thing to have to see - her girlfriend and Amy all over each other like that." (Source)

Honestly, the only thing that could be grosser than this story would be seeing actual video of my conception with Marv Albert giving play by play. "The pants are off! Yessssss!"

Amy Winehouse collapses in St. Lucia

Wow, I can't believe Amy lasted until mid-February. It's a Christmas miracle! From The Sun:

Amy Winehouse was in hospital [Saturday night] after collapsing on the island of St Lucia. The drug addict star, 25, was said to be "a shaking mess" as she was rushed in. Sources on the Caribbean isle, where she has been staying while battling heroin and crack cocaine addiction, said she had been drinking heavily.

One said: "She looked in a terrible state, a shaking mess. The people with her were very concerned." (Source)

Newsflash: When Amy is in a "terrible state," that's the status quo. The time to really be worried is when she actually looks normal. The real reason behind Amy becoming a "shaking mess" is probably that she had just gotten a good look at herself in the mirror . . . that she was snorting coke off of. With the way she looks these days, she should consider herself lucky that she just ended up stoned -- and didn't actually turn into stone.

Amy Winehouse at Le Sport resort in St. Lucia

"I’ve finally escaped from hell. I’m in love again and I don't need drugs. Look at me, I’m glowing!" - Amy Winehouse last Sunday in an interview with News of the World. And here's what The Sun said today:

WASTED AMY WINEHOUSE is reduced to crawling up to holidaymakers and grabbing their drinks — after fed-up resort staff refused to serve her. The sneaky singer also BEGS guests to order booze for her at the all-inclusive Caribbean resort. Bizarrely Amy, who has fought addictions to drugs and alcohol, is at the posh Le Sport Spa on the sunshine isle of St Lucia for a HEALTH KICK.

Each day seems to start with good intentions as she limbers up with yoga-style stretches before swinging into action on exercise rings. But by lunchtime bikini-clad Amy is relaxing with a drink on the beach or even openly smoking joints by the pool. Come nightfall and she is hitting the bottle with pals — despite the booze ban agreed by her management and staff.

A source at the £200-a-night resort said: "We keep catching her crawling past bars, or hiding behind chairs. She grabs guests’ drinks and runs off, like a squirrel with a nut." (Source)

So Amy's crawling around, hiding behind chairs, and stealing people's booze before they notice her? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to the world's first alcoholic ninja.

Amy Winehouse in St. Lucia (1/7)

Crack isn't the only thing that might kill Amy Winehouse this year. It was learned on Wednesday that she's one of a handful of British celebs on a terrorism hit list. From NME:

Reports have emerged today (January 7) claiming that Amy Winehouse and Mark Ronson have been included on a "terror target" hit list made in reaction to the current conflict in the Gaza region. The Sun said comments were made on the forum of Ummah.com. A post on the forum apparently called for users to compile "a list of top Jews we can target", which included both Winehouse and Ronson's names. British anti-terror expert Glen Jenvey told The Sun that the comments should be taken seriously.

"The Ummah website has been used by extremists," he said. "Those listed should treat it very seriously. Expect a hate campaign and intimidation by 20 or 30 thugs." (Source)

Good for Amy. This is the first kind of "Hit List" she's been on in months. Actually, threatening to "target" Amy Winehouse might be the best recruiting idea terrorist organizations have had since 1983.* Who wouldn't want to join in? I'd enlist if I weren't allergic to explosions and women with more facial hair than me. If taking out Amy will end the war in Gaza, there's only one sensible thing for her to do: become a martyr.
 
*1983 was the year Michael Bolton's first CD was released. Not many people know this but he's actually a creation of Al Qaeda used to build up hate and anger against the West.

Amy Winehouse and Joshua Bowman in St. Lucia (1/4)

Amy Winehouse has a new man. And he's not a drug addict. Wait, what? The 25-year-old singer has been pictured "frolicking" the beaches of St. Lucia with 21-year-old rugby player Joshua Bowman. In an interview with the Daily Mail, he said:

"She's just a cool girl, very nice, and we're just very friendly. She's a good laugh - she is such a lovely girl and on great form. I can't say much more than that. I have been having a lovely time relaxing. It's not been all party-party. I don't drink much at all as it happens.

"It's true to say that I'm a budding young actor. But I'd rather get my name out there because of my acting rather than who I'm being photographed with. I wasn't waiting until there was a photographer on the beach to put my arm around Amy. I have been living in New York for the past year and have only just arrived back in the UK. I am just auditioning." (Source)

What a crazy coincidence that an aspiring actor just so happened to hook up with a woman in the tabloids nearly every day. Well you know how the old saying goes: Love works in mysterious, profitable ways.