Recently in Amy Winehouse Category

Amy Winehouse leaving the Good Mixer pub in London (8/7)

Just when you thought Amy Winehouse couldn't get any hotter, she goes and starts sucking her thumb. I don't know about you, but this image is definitely finding a permanent home in my spank bank. What a sexy bitch.

The last thing this paparazzo ever saw

This month's "Amy Winehouse almost died" story comes to us courtesy of the London Evening Standard. Amy's junkie ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil told the paper that he had to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation a few years back after she quit breathing during a crack and heroine binge:

"She started having a fit on the bed. She slid down on to the floor before I could stop her. She started quivering again and it suddenly grew into what seemed like a full-blown epileptic fit. I didn't know how to help her. I was out of it on drugs as well. But then suddenly she passed out and stopped breathing. Somehow I managed to open her mouth and breathe air down her throat. At first nothing happened. So I did it again. Then she spluttered and I saw her chest rise."

And the best line of the story:

She begged him for more drugs while slipping in and out of a coma, but a friend called a cab which rushed her to hospital where she eventually recovered.

So a trained cardiologist that was right by his side couldn't revive a living legend like Michael Jackson, but a tripped-out crackhead was able to save the life of a washed-up cokewhore like Amy Winehouse? Life just isn't fair. Need further proof? Gravity. By the time I retire, my balls will probably be hanging lower than my knees. Even worse. My future wife will probably be able to say the same thing about her tits. Fuck you Isaac Newton.

Amy Winehouse in St. Lucia earlier this year

Amy Winehouse can credit her life to Universal Music Group -- the record company is going out of their way to keep her alive. But not because they care about her, they only care about the bottom line. They want her to make another album. Amy's six-months-and-counting vacation on the Caribbean island of St. Lucia is being picked up by the company. From the Daily Mail:

Amy is living in two villas which cost her record company about £2,000 a night each and come with their own butler and maid. It's a curious, dissolute life and Amy, lonely and drunk, seems quite lost in her Caribbean idyll.

She has company: half-a-dozen minders who have been engaged by her record company at a cost of £250 a day each. This week, she also has her cousin, Lauren, and her boyfriend, who have flown out to try to stop her from 'being bored'.

In truth, they are trying to keep Amy sober enough to work - and trying to steer her into the recording studio which has been installed in the second villa at eye-watering cost. Some £500,000 has been spent so far by Universal Records on accommodation, staff and equipment for Amy's Caribbean jolly.

The hope is that Amy can again create an album like Back To Black, the multi-award winning phenomenon which sold 11 million copies after the songs seemed to tumble out of her during an extraordinary two-week period in 2006.

Good luck Universal. The second Amy leaves that resort and stumbles across a pub or a CVS pharmacy, your efforts to keep her sober will go up in flames faster than unsmoked crack in Whitney Houston's favorite pipe. By throwing good money after bad, Universal is handling Amy a lot like the U.S. government handled GM. In both cases it'll end up costing them tons of cash -- and the only thing of value they'll be left with is a Hummer nobody wants.

Amy Winehouse at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival (5/8)

Amy Winehouse performed at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival last Friday night. And it went pretty well . . . if your definition of the world "well" is that no one died. So other than it going well, it went horribly, horribly wrong. From News of the World:

The crowd, who paid £33 for tickets, were shocked as Amy, 25, stumbled around on stage muttering to herself. She kept ordering roadies to bring more drinks, despite appearing to be on the verge of collapse, clinging to her microphone stand for support.

Then she began shouting at her backing singers for playing songs she'd never heard of - until they reminded her she wrote the tracks herself.

Amy - wearing a dirty bikini top and flashing her silver knickers - then slurred: "I'm just kind of bored." Mercifully, rain then caused a power cut. But Amy was so out of it she didn't notice and carried on singing, before slumping in a heap. 

Wow, how bad does Amy have to suck to actually get booed off stage? I mean, who the hell goes to an Amy Winehouse concert expecting anything but slurred words, confusion, and panty flashes? We're not talking about Paul McCartney here. Pretty much the only thing Amy could do where I would actually boo is throw her blood at me.

Amy Winehouse collapses yet again

How is Amy Winehouse not dead yet? She collapsed yet again over the weekend in St. Lucia. For those of you keeping score at home, Amy's now collapsed more times than the peso. ZING! From the Daily Mail:

Singer Amy Winehouse was taken to hospital in St Lucia last night after fainting, her spokesman said. The Grammy winner was kept in for a night for observation and was found to be dehydrated.

Her publicist in the UK Chris Goodman said: "She fainted at home and they took her in for observation, mainly to do with her medication to check everything was OK. They told her that she was dehydrated and needed to drink more water."

Winehouse had been 'running around' with a group of children before she fainted, he said.

What responsible adult would actually let their children "run around" with Amy Winehouse? Those kids would be safer playing hide-and-go-seek in a Lion exhibit wearing a zebra carcass . . . or even touring with Michael Jackson. The fact that Amy was dehydrated shouldn't surprise anyone either. Coming off of a high, she probably got confused and snorted the contents of a salt shaker.

Amy Winehouse wants to be a mom

I don't know how this would even be legal but Amy Winehouse supposedly wants to adopt (she's been unable to conceive naturally since around May of last year when she started storing crack pipes in her uterus). From OK!:

Amy Winehouse wants to adopt a child in St. Lucia. The singer is said to be desperate to give a child from the Caribbean island a home, and has vowed to settle there if it will improve her chances of success.

A source said: "Amy is seriously thinking about adopting. But she is aware it's going to be incredibly difficult with her background. She has always wanted to be a mother. She loves St. Lucia and would move there for good in order to adopt."

If one of the adoption agency's conditions for Amy is that she must move to St. Lucia, I'd suggest that all of Great Britain chip in for a bribe. Of course Amy is completely delusional if she thinks anyone would let her take care of a child. It's a fact that living with a deranged/drugged-out woman is generally not considered the best environment for a child.*
 
*See Britney Spears' two sons. Her youngest is a cross-dresser and her oldest routinely eats dog poop.

Amy Winehouse leaving the Hard Rock Cafe in London (3/31)

Can we stop using the phrase "shocked" when referring to Amy Winehouse's antics, unless it's in the context of "everyone was shocked Amy was speaking so eloquently" or "everyone was shocked Amy didn't pass out in a pile of her own vomit and urine." From the Daily Mail:

Amy Winehouse has stunned holidaymakers by allegedly streaking half-naked through her Caribbean hotel. The singer, who returned to the island of St Lucia from her London home last week, reportedly whipped off her bikini top on the beach and ran through the family-friendly five-star resort. Open-mouthed guests said she was babbling nonsense to herself and waving her arms in the air as she tore around the pool area where children were playing. Amy was apparently protesting after officials told her she couldn't parade topless on the sand.

"Everyone was shocked," said an onlooker. "One minute Amy was relaxing with friends on the beach and the next she was running around half-naked.  She seems to like lounging around topless and might have had enough of being told what to do. She was talking to herself as she ran and flailing her arms around but we couldn't tell what she was saying - it didn't make a bit of sense."

The people vacationing at the Caribbean resort should consider themselves lucky that they only saw Amy running around topless. An old pirate story -- "The Legend of Swashbuckler's Cove" -- has it that Amy once paraded around a resort bottomless. There was just one survivor -- a blind whore who ironically went by the name "Chastity" -- that lived to tell the tale. True story. If Amy's ever going to get over her demons and move on with her life, she's going to have to relocate to a place where being stimulated is frowned upon and having a good time just doesn't happen. My suggestion: Utah A taping of Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Amy Winehouse is back in London

Amy Winehouse's two-month St. Lucia vacation is over. The singer enjoyed a calm, relaxing flight back to London early Sunday morning. Just kidding, it was chaos. A witness told the Daily Mail:

"I was pretty shocked to look up and see Amy Winehouse hurtling through the plane and shouting. It’s just not what you expect. She had clearly been drinking and kept running between the different classes, which just isn’t what people do on planes. It was an overnight flight, so most people were just watching films or trying to sleep, and Amy’s antics really started annoying some other guests. She was acting more like a child than a star. It wasn’t funny, it was just annoying." (Source)

The Sun adds:

[Amy] flew back to London in a bid to save her turbulent marriage — but had to be pulled off a passenger. A pal said: "Amy went wild. She thought this guy was giving her strange looks and just lost it. She was nervous about coming back and seeing Blake so it didn’t take much to push her over the edge." (Source)

In other news, if you've ever wanted to visit St. Lucia, you better go now. The entire island is scheduled to be burned on Saturday. Thanks Amy!

Amy Winehouse switches teams

Quick, think of the most disturbing thing possible involving Amy Winehouse . . . if you're anything like me, the words "lesbian sex" immediately popped into your head. Oh hey, guess what. From the Daily Mirror:

Amy Winehouse has been blamed for splitting up a lesbian couple as she continues to cause havoc on her Caribbean break.  The jilted lesbian told friends how she and her partner had been partying with Amy, 25, for a couple of days.

Then one night her lover and Amy disappeared together. The woman told how she grew suspicious before bursting into their hotel room to find her 26-year-old partner and Amy, canoodling in bikinis. The stunned girlfriend said that, instead of apologising, Amy invited her to join in. But when she refused, the singer started hurling abuse at her.

The woman, who we are not naming, said: "It all got messy. Amy shouted at me for not joining in. It was a strange night."

A friend added: "She was devastated and cried for hours. It was a horrible thing to have to see - her girlfriend and Amy all over each other like that." (Source)

Honestly, the only thing that could be grosser than this story would be seeing actual video of my conception with Marv Albert giving play by play. "The pants are off! Yessssss!"

Amy Winehouse collapses in St. Lucia

Wow, I can't believe Amy lasted until mid-February. It's a Christmas miracle! From The Sun:

Amy Winehouse was in hospital [Saturday night] after collapsing on the island of St Lucia. The drug addict star, 25, was said to be "a shaking mess" as she was rushed in. Sources on the Caribbean isle, where she has been staying while battling heroin and crack cocaine addiction, said she had been drinking heavily.

One said: "She looked in a terrible state, a shaking mess. The people with her were very concerned." (Source)

Newsflash: When Amy is in a "terrible state," that's the status quo. The time to really be worried is when she actually looks normal. The real reason behind Amy becoming a "shaking mess" is probably that she had just gotten a good look at herself in the mirror . . . that she was snorting coke off of. With the way she looks these days, she should consider herself lucky that she just ended up stoned -- and didn't actually turn into stone.