As part of the plea deal and to avoid jail time for failing to declare their Yorkshire terriers during a trip to Australia last year, Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard had to record a hilarious video apology to the entire nation. Mission accomplished: the #WarOnTerrier is officially over. From CNN:
In the video apology released by the Australian government, a stony-faced Heard sits alongside Depp to state she is "truly sorry that Pistol and Boo were not declared. Protecting Australia is important."
"Australia is a wonderful island with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people," the actress said. "Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are commonplace around the world. That is why Australia has to have such strong biosecurity laws."
Depp added: "Australians are just as unique, both warm and direct. When you disrespect Australian law, they will tell your firmly. Declare everything when you enter Australia."
Yes, it may seem ridiculous that Johnny and Amber had to go through all this over a couple of dogs, but don't forget that Australia is also the nation that banned Chris Brown so fuck you they can do whatever the hell they want. I'm starting a GoFundMe to send Malcolm Turnbull a fruit basket.
Amber Heard at the 71st Annual Golden Globes in L.A. (1/12)
Since news broke about their engagement, people have naturally been wondering how Amber Heard finally convinced Johnny Depp to propose. His last girlfriend, Vanessa Paradis, went 14 years without getting a ring. It look Amber a little over a year. Turns out Johnny just needed a little direction in his life. Via Contact Music:
A source who knows them both said: "Amber has called the shots since day one, dictating when they went public, for example. She's half his age and that's part of why he'll do whatever she wants in order to keep her."
Another source added: "He has definitely toned down his behavior since he started dating Amber. He acts like a mature and charming man now."
Come on, people, work with me. Amber isn't running anything, she only thinks she is because Gilbert Grape lets her get away with her hot uppitiness for now. Mr. Depp was always gonna survive the Lone Ranger debacle just by his star power alone, so I'm pretty sure he can take an order or two -- as long as it's followed by a toe-curling mouth favor. Look, at 27-years-old, Amber is in the second half of her prime but unless she figures out how to stop time like Kate Beckinsale, she's about three seasons away from getting exchanged for Selena Gomez.
Amber Heard filming London Fields in Notting Hill, London (9/19)
Did Johnny Depp propose to Amber Heard? The two haven't even made their relationship "official" yet (I demand you seek my approval!), but Amber was spotted trying to hide a huge diamond ring earlier this week in L.A. Maybe she was trying to steal it? From E!:
Despite a good effort to keep her left hand covered, an eagle-eyed paparazzo got a bird's-eye view of what appeared to be a diamond ring on that ringer as Heard was leaving a restaurant last night in Los Angeles.
A source tells E! News, meanwhile, that Heard and another woman hit L.A. restaurant Ago for dinner last night and it was when she was first heading in that the intrepid photographer noticed her hand. Heard was inside for about an hour and a half and, on her way out, she was doing everything to hide her hand, the source said. The actress also waited for the valet driver to open her car door for her, seemingly so as not to have to expose her hand for an extra second.
So did Johnny propose to Amber? Maybe he did, maybe he didn't -- it doesn't matter because it's all just part of the dance. Here's a little info for my younger readers that will help you be major successes in life or just total douchebags in general, depending on your point of view: Sometimes men exaggerate feelings, like our dear Captain Jack Sparrow over here. Johnny really enjoys plowing Amber, but at 27-years-old, the gal is three years away from being put out to the Hollywood pasture (which for actors is a long run on the SyFy channel). Johnny will string Amber along for another year with that meaningless bobble, and by then his future girlfriend will be finished with high school and will be totally legal -- as commanded from the bible of Clooney, amen.
Amber Heard at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's 2013 Installation Luncheon at The Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills (8/13)
First comes love, then $50k earrings, and then anal. Two for three so far -- Johnny Depp is playing it by the book with Amber Heard. From Life & Style.
Johnny Depp, 50, knows the way to 27-year-old Amber Heard's heart: diamonds! The movie star "recently surprised her with $50,000 Neil Lane diamond drop earrings," shares an insider.
Wow, when Johnny sinks the hooks in, he doesn't stop 'till he hits bone. Case in point is this Amber Heard chick. Big J didn't even need to shell out $50K for earrings or nipple clamps or any piece of jewelry, because Amber switched teams from being a part-time muncher to being a full-time DNA receptacle for him. That's a big life change, brother. It's like putting a vegan on the Atkins diet. You don't just go from eating kale and Trader Joe's seaweed wraps to swallowing raw kielbasa overnight -- unless it's the delicious one that comes out of Johnny Depp's zipper. OK, let me toss a "no homo" in there just to get it on record.
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard leaving their hotel in Moscow (6/29)
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are gradually going more public with their relationship. After a few pics were snapped of them at the Rolling Stones surprise concert in L.A. in April, they exited their hotel in Moscow over the weekend holding hands in full view of the paparazzi. Busted. If Johnny's not too careful, he's gonna get a reputation for liking extremely attractive, independent, worldly, well-spoken, intelligent 27-year-old women.
*17 Amber Heard and Johnny Depp pictures total in the gallery: