Ali Lohan

Creepy

Does Michael Lohan have sexy, impure thoughts about his 16-year-old daughter Ali? Of course he does silly. That's probably the most normal thing about him. From the New York Post:

While at war with his ex-fiancée Erin Muller, Michael Lohan has been hanging out with Jon Gosselin's ex, Kate Major. Lohan and Major, a former reporter for Star magazine, were spotted at a string of bars in Chicago Sunday night and at an Asian eatery on Tuesday. A spy told us, "They partied until very late Sunday. On Tuesday, they went for dinner at restaurant Sunda and went outside for a cigarette. Kate kept talking about a ring that Michael bought her. She was wearing it on her middle finger. They then got chatting to a girl who looked just like Ali Lohan. Before they went inside, Michael told the lookalike, 'You are a very beautiful girl.' "

Anyone willing to bet that 30 years from now Ali comes out with a sequel to Mackenzie Phillips' book? What's even more disturbing about this story is the fact that this Kate Major chick would actually date two of the biggest douches in Hollywood. Don't be surprised next month when she dumps Michael for the ShamWow Guy or Glenn Beck.

Lindsay and Ali Lohan out and about in St. Barts (1/4)

OK we know Ali Lohan is 16, but are we sure she's not counting in dog years? Christ, she looks like she's in her mid-40s. Every time I see here, she's aged a few years. She's like Benjamin Button's arch nemesis.

Lindsay and Ali Lohan in St. Barts, France (1/2)

I don't know how the hell she's affording this, but Lindsay Lohan -- along with her sister Ali -- is celebrating the New Year on the-not-exactly-cheap island of St. Barts. In related news, if you've always wanted to own a diamond ring with the words "I Love You Lindsay" engraved on the band, a copy of Mean Girls signed by Lindsay Lohan, and an MTV Movie Award for "Breakthrough Female Performance," you should check out the pawn shop near Lindsay Lohan's house.

Lindsay Lohan is not content with fucking up just her own life

Everyone can relax about Lindsay Lohan taking her 15-year-old sister Ali to nightclubs (here and here). It's totally OK because she's a mature 15. I mean, she might as well be 16-and-a-half! At the Victoria's Secret fragrance launch last week (the one where she ruined the cake), Lindsay told Life & Style:

"[Ali's] tougher than I am. She has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe it was different for me because I didn’t know what to expect and it just happened really fast. I didn’t have a big sister." The Mean Girls star also insists there’s no way that Ali, who’s being homeschooled, is falling behind in her schoolwork. "She’s really good about that. If I’m going out late, she’ll go home early."

And while Lindsay says she’s looking out for Ali, she sometimes forgets her sister’s age. "When I was with her at home, I was like, ‘Oh, that’s right, she’s still a lot younger than me,’" Lindsay says. "But I think it’s great that she’s mature."

Of course Ali is "mature" for a 15-year-old. If she's been hanging out with Lindsay, she's probably aging like a dog -- for every year the rest of us age, she ages seven. One other way Lindsay and Ali are like dogs: they hump everything in sight. And Lindsay sometimes pees on fire hydrants when she gets drunk.

Lindsay Lohan leaving her hotel in New York (9/10)

Remember this story last month and this story last week about Lindsay Lohan taking her 15-year-old sister Ali along with her to bars. Well you better be prepared for some shocking news because Life & Style is breaking the news in this week's issue that Lindsay is, um, taking Ali along with her to bars. A witness who saw the two at Crown Bar on two weeks ago told the magazine:

"I couldn't believe Ali was there. They partied until after 1 a.m., and she treated Ali as if she were just one of her friends at the club with her. And Ali was excited to be there. She loved being out on the scene with her sister. It was as if she knew she belonged there."

If only bars and nightclubs had a way to identify underage people -- perhaps at the door using some kind of driving type license -- before they came inside. Hmmmm, I don't know. Anyone have any ideas?

The girls' father, Michael Lohan, thinks Ali's strong enough to resist temptation. "I'm glad Lindsay and Ali remain so close," he tells Life & Style.

Now before you go criticizing Michael for taking such a cavalier attitude towards his 15-year-old daughter's destruction, you gotta give the guy credit -- at least he remembered her name. Last year he would have told Life & Style that he was glad that Lindsay and "the other one" remain so close.

Ali and Lindsay Lohan at Taverna Tony restaurant in Malibu (9/6)

Why is Ali Lohan allowed into nightclubs? She's 15-years-old. 15! Does she own some sort of special pass I don't know about? This is incredible. From Radar:

For the second time in a week [Lindsay and Ali Lohan] hit the nightlife together; Friday night RadarOnline.com spotted them at Teddy's, which was packed with star power. Both Lindsay and Ali were dressed for attention, with Lindsay wearing a tight jumper and lots of makeup. Ali wore a vest as a shirt and booty shorts.

The sisters danced wildly and when they came off the dance floor Lindsay was chainsmoking inside the lounge, a definite no-no. But like a good big sis, Lindsay took Ali and introduced her to various promoters who were in the club.

By hanging out with Lindsay, Ali's exposing herself to influences worse than if she operated a meth lab, worked as a coke mule, or held a seat in Congress. Like her big sister, unfortunately Ali will have to learn the hard way that partying at clubs every night will only lead to one horrifying outcome: premature aging kidney disease her face plastered all over Celebslam.

Lindsay Lohan is a horrible sister

I detailed Phase 1 of Ali Lohan's demise yesterday. Phase 2 was set in motion Monday night when Lindsay brought Ali -- still 15-years-old mind you -- along with her to The Ivy around midnight. Now I don't have a younger sister, so I don't mean to judge Lindsay and say what she's doing is wrong, but . . . oh wait, that's exactly what I mean to do. STOP TAKING YOUR 15-YEAR-OLD SISTER BAR-HOPPING YOU IDIOT. At least give her a fighting chance of not being a complete fuck-up in life.

Dina, Ali, and Cody Lohan at the Z-Com Wireless store in New York (7/30)

Dina Lohan is doing her best to push her two youngest kids, Ali and Cody, into show business. Because why not when it worked out so well for your other kid? From the New York Post:

The Lohan kids will do anything for a buck -- even play suburban malls. Lindsay Lohan's kid sister, Ali, 15, and her brother, Cody, 13, have been hired by Z-Com-Verizon Wireless, a cellphone store at Parkway Plaza Shopping Center in Carle Place on Long Island, to host and spin records at the "first annual BlackBerry Brickbreaker Contest" on Aug. 22 (ed. note: the date was moved up). In a breathless press release, the store hypes them as "teenage celebrities," identifying Ali as a pop star and "former Ford model" and Cody as a "New York State soccer youth champion" who's modeled for Nike. A rep refused to tell us what they're getting paid.

Ali doesn't need to be embarrassed about appearing at a mall. That's how 80's teen icons Tiffany and Debbie Gibson got their start. The fact that both later posed for Playboy to revive their sagging careers is kind of fitting too -- especially when you consider it wouldn't be the first time one of Dina's daughters posed naked for someone with a camera. It would however be the first time tequila wasn't a contributing factor.

Ali Lohan arriving to Samantha Ronson's house in the Hollywood Hills (8/9)

It's been confirmed today by me that Ali Lohan will be starring on the next season of The Real Housewives of Orange County. Remember, you heard it here first!

Lindsay and Ali Lohan at the Haute & Bothered launch party at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood (5/4)

The New York Daily News brings us shocking news about Lindsay Lohan: she's possibly a negative influence on her sister Ali. Paging Captain Obvious. From the paper:

"If you have an older child who is breaking a lot of the rules and engaging in dangerous and risky behavior, this can have a negative impact on the younger child," said Dr. Eva Ritvo, psychiatrist and vice chair of psychiatry at the University of Miami School of Medicine.

"Adolescents are trying to break away from their family and they don't always make the best choices. They're looking for role models other than their parents, and often turn to peers and older sisters, who can have a very powerful influence on the younger child," she said. "The course Ali is taking appears to be more in the direction of copying than in shrinking from the cameras and the revelry."

Hold on, hold on, writing this down . . . sexually-confused, drug-addicted, unemployed older sibling . . . probably NOT a good role model. Thanks Dr. Ritvo! Now if she could only use that degree of hers to help me solve the problem of why it hurts when I put my hand in the oven. Because I'm a fucking moron! That is who she's targeting with this analysis, right? No shit Lindsay's a bad role model. Even my dog knows that and he's an idiot who eats other dogs' shit. Easiest prediction ever made: Ali will be in rehab or blowing dudes for cigarette money before she gets her learner's permit. That or she'll actually blow a dude to get her learner's permit.