Kate Hudson and Alexander Rodriguez (not pictured) leaving Houston's restaurant in Coral Gables, FL (10/12)
They really really like sex. Shock! No, really,
Us Weekly actually wrote a story about that:
Apparently, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez is a homerun in the bedroom. That's what girlfriend Kate Hudson has been telling close pals, according to the new Us Weekly (on newsstands now).
"They love sex!" a pal tells Us Weekly of the pair who began dating in May. "They talk about it all day. Kate gets graphic talking about his body, even to her parents."
How is it possible these two enjoy having sex with each other? Banging Kate Hudson is a lot like listening to a high school orchestra: both are flat and would be better off just keeping quiet. And sleeping with A-Rod can't be fun either . . . especially when he's just staring at himself in the ceiling mirror. Regardless, Kate must have something incredible between her legs since she keeps
driving men crazy -- I'm guessing it's either a TV remote or bacon. Mmmmm . . . bacon.
Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez leaving a restaurant in Newport Beach (7/12)
They've only been
dating for a few months but Kate Hudson has already moved into Alex Rodriguez's apartment in New York. In "don't read anything into this next statement" news, Alex makes a hundred cajillion dollars a year. From
In Touch Weekly:
Kate Hudson is shacking up with New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez! "Kate’s always at his New York apartment, even on the days when he’s on the road. She’s made herself quite comfortable in his life. She’s met his oldest daughter and her son likes Alex,” says a friend of Alex, 34, who has two kids with ex-wife Cynthia and has already hung out with Kate’s 5-year-old, Ryder. "Kate has become very serious about him." And she’s ready for the next step as well: Even though the couple has only been dating for five months, Kate, 30, is hearing wedding bells. “Kate seems to feel that she’s the next Mrs. Rodriguez,” adds the insider. "But it’s unlikely that it’s headed toward marriage for him. He’s taking it slow and seeing where it goes."
Kate can't become the next "Mrs. Rodriguez" - she's missing Alex's favorite feature on a mate: 20-inch biceps. Besides, Alex should know by now that dating Kate Hudson can lead to
career suicide. Why so many famous dudes date Kate in the first place is still a mystery to me. Some say it's because she's attractive. Others say it's because she's rich. I say it's because she has what most guys look for in a mate:
a big mouth.
A-Rod's banging Kate Hudson Is A-Rod banging Kate Hudson? Sure why not. Kate was
all over him at a club in Miami last year. According to the
National Enquirer, their relationship has since gotten 100% . . .um . . . nakeder. Wait, is that even a word?
[Rodriguez and Hudson] first met at the reopening of the famed Fontainebleau hotel in Miami Beach and were snapped eyeballing each other at Yankee Stadium. Kate was in the stands. Alex in the field. Sources say A-Rod and Kate went for the grand slam at the Mustang Room on the Yupper East Side.
A bartender "was asking patrons not to go in the back room around 1 a.m. because A-Rod and Kate Hudson were back there making out", a source divulged.
Another staffer confirmed their presence at the watering hole.
How on Earth does Kate Hudson keep hooking up with such high profile dudes? Granted, most guys would bang almost any famous chick* -- but with a face like hers and a chest that's concave, there can only be three reasons why guys keep falling for her: 1. She can suck a ping pong ball through a straw, 2. Her vagina tastes like ice cream, or 3. The back of her head has a subscription to DirectTV's NBA League Pass.
*The evidence? Both Roseanne Barr and Sarah Jessica Parker have a kid.
He's so gayI think Alex Rodriguez is over Madonna. In Vail recuperating from hip surgery, the Yankees' star is sticking his penis into anything that moves. From the
Chicago Sun Times:
A-Rod reportedly has been hosting a "revolving door" of gorgeous beauties at his rented condo -- one sexy ski bunny right after the next. "I've never seen anything like it," chuckled a Vail observer. "His nickname [of A-Rod] is very appropriate. The guy's been busy day and night. ... I thought hip surgery meant you had to keep your hips immobile for a while."
One thing's clear: He's over Madonna. The superstar supposedly phoned the other night, but Rodriguez ducked her call --claiming he was getting a "treatment" for his healing hip when he was merely partying with several lovelies. (Source)
If A-Rod has such an easy go of it pulling hot young ass, why did he ever
waste his time with an old hag like Madonna? The only explanation that makes sense is that he was depriving himself so that when he hooked up with younger/hotter chicks, he'd enjoy it more. It's the same principle that competitive eaters use when they starve themselves before a competition. The only difference is that with an eating contest -- unlike having sex with Madonna -- after you're done you don't always throw up.
A-Rod abandoning his family for Christmas
In what might go down as the most awkward Christmas ever, Madonna is flying A-Rod to London to join Guy Ritchie and her for Christmas. Wait, did A-Rod forget he has kids and they probably want to see their dad on Christmas? Aw, fuck 'em. A source told The Sun:
"She wants the kids to be with their parents but wants time with A-Rod too. She knows he lives large and that he loves the fact she’s his equal for earning power. She wants to treat him. The kids are the biggest thing and she’ll plan for them but still have a bit of the Christmas she wanted." (Source)
y initial reaction to this story was, wow, Guy is gonna beat the shit out of that pussy A-Rod. But then I realized, if you're Guy Ritchie, aren't you throwing that guy a giant thank-you party? If not for his affair with Madonna, maybe Guy tries to work things out with her and ends up miserable for the next ten years. Enter A-Rod, enter freedom and a $76 million+ divorce settlement. If I was Guy Ritchie, I'd do everything short of blow A-Rod during his visit.
Madonna at Foro Sol Stadium in Mexico City (11/29)
A-Rod and Madonna just happened to be in Mexico City at the same time this weekend. Boy if I had a nickel every time I ran into one of my "friends" in Mexico City . . . AP says:
The New York Yankees star was in Mexico City on the same weekend the pop star was performing there. It wasn't immediately known if the All-Star third baseman and Madonna met while in the Mexican capital. When asked what he thought about being in the city at the same time as Madonna, Rodriguez said it was "very good," without elaborating.Rodriguez spent two hours Sunday teaching children to bat at a new sports center built on a landfill in the poor suburb of Nezahualcoyotl while Madonna prepared to perform for a sold-out second night in Mexico City as part of her "Sticky & Sweet" tour. (Source)
If A-Rod wants to teach those kids something he has even more experience in than baseball, he'll show them the proper technique for putting on four condoms at a time. That, or he'll explain how after 20 shots of tequila and a dimmer switch, even a manly woman can end up looking only boyish. The best lesson those kids can learn from A-Rod: Money can't buy happiness . . . or in Madonna's case, taste.
Kate Hudson wants to jump A-Rod's bones
Actually, no. Kate Hudson was flirting heavily with Alex Rodriguez Friday night at the opening of the Fontainebleau Hotel but he wanted no part of it. A witness told the New York Daily News:
"Hudson had her arms completely wrapped around A-Rod's waist and every time he leaned over to talk to anyone she would pull him back toward her." (Source)
In A-Rod's defense, Kate can't squat a Smart Car like his true love Madonna. And I bet her body fat is over 3%. How gross.
A-Rod is already whipped
Does A-Rod owns a mirror? He knows he's a 33-year-old, good-looking, multi-millionaire, that could bang a different supermodel every night for the next century, right? So why is he so whipped on a 50-year-old mother of two that he's dropping $400k on gifts? Good god what a pussy. From Ted Casablanca at E!:
. . . word from Madonna-ites who witness almost every one of Queen M's face tinkerings (trust, that be a lotta tinkering) is that A-Rod gifted Madge with, yes, a Rolls-Royce. No word, as yet, from Camp Madonna, on whether or not it's officially true, but certainly would explain the dramatic staging of a Rolls in the girl's Sticky & Sweet tour. (Source)
If A-Rod wanted to buy Madonna a more practical gift worth several hundred thousand dollars, a better choice might have been a visit to famed plastic surgeon Dr. 90210 . . . or a refill on her HGH prescription. Besides, the only reason Madonna would even use a car these days would be for her squats routine.
FUN FACT: Did you know that "Rolls Royce" means "Tiny Penis" in Yiddish?
Madonna at a Yankees game in June
The news about her divorce isn't even a week old and yet there's already talk that Madonna wants to make babies with New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. Since the hopeless romantic in me knows that Madonna would've never cheated on her husband, she must have met and fell in love with A-Rod between last Wednesday's divorce announcement and now. Wow, crazy stuff. I guess you can never tell where your heart will lead you . . . except on Tuesday nights. For some reason, it always leads me to the "massage parlor." God bless you and your magical hands Wang Lee. The Daily Mail says:
Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez, despite her age. The singer is planning her future with the American baseball player, it emerged last night. There is no suggestion that Madonna has to date had a physical relationship with Rodriguez. However, a friend said: "She thinks he's physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her." (Source)
If A-Rod can bring life that that barren, calcified, demonic wasteland of a womb, then he should be crowned the new "Champion of Men." That washes away all of the choke jobs he's done for the Yankees, redeems him for making a fool out of his wife, and I'll even find forgiveness in my dead heart for the highlights in his hair. Tito Ortiz is the current champion, but all he had to do was impregnate Jenna Jamison -- who only has a depleted man-catcher. I think Madge's wormhole is owned by none other than Beelzebub himself.
Madonna leaving her Manhattan apartment today
adonna and New York Yankees' star Alex Rodriguez -- rumored to be having an affair for months -- are "definitely romantic," according to Us Weekly. An insider told the mag:
"A-Rod and Madonna are more involved than ever. Alex has really missed spending time with Madonna. However, he understands the position Madonna's in."The source tells Us six days ago that Madonna -- who dined with Rodriguez Oct. 2 at Dos Caminos in NYC -- "has agreed to be discreet about her relationship with A-Rod until her tour ends and a divorce is announced." (Source)
Hey A-Rod, this is your penis speaking. Remember me? We've had a lot of great times together. Remember last year when we had backstage passes to the Miss Universe pageant? Man that was fun. I still can't believe those rumors about Miss USA lacking a gag reflex were actually true. Anyways, regarding this whole Madonna thing: fuck you.
[INFDaily.com, Splash News]
