2011 Academy Awards

Amanda Seyfried at the "2011 Vanity Fair Oscar Party" at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood (2/27)

I've never worn high heels in my life [as far as you know], but I know I could do a better job at it than Amanda Seyfried at the Vanity Fair party on Sunday night. Hell, Kirk Douglas could do a better job at it.

*6 Amanda Seyfried pictures total in the gallery:

James Franco, loser 

I've never wanted to be a loser so bad in my life. From the New York Post:

The infamous “consolation prize” swag bag — presented by Distinctive Assets the morning after the Oscars to all nominees who don’t win — will include the following trinkets at these estimated retail values:

• $200,000: An orbital space flight on Virgin Galactic (allowing nominees to be among the first to fly the friendly skies of space — kind of).
• $16,000: Four-night stay at the Huvafen Fushi luxury resort in the Indian Ocean from Premier Tours, featuring an underwater spa in the Maldives (for those tough weeks when a terrestrial spa just won’t do).
• $4,850: One-week “fitness and weight-loss” retreat from Live in Fitness (helpful after noshing on all those black truffles and sipping flutes of champagne).
• $12,000: Use of a private island for five days, “including private houseman” from APrivateIsland.com (so they don’t have to BYOH).

OK, now I don't feel bad anymore about James Franco losing the "Best Actor" Oscar to Colin Firth. Going to space would pretty much be the coolest damn thing ever -- especially if he got high. Previously the coolest thing he ever did high was host the Oscars.

*5 James Franco pictures total in the gallery:

The 2011 Academy Awards: Just the Attractive People

By any reasonable standard, the Academy Awards blew donkey cock last night (at one point James Franco walked out a dress which wouldn't have been funny even if I was high as a motherfucker). The telecast peaked when Anne Hathaway said "Welcome to..." and it was all downhill from there. But at least some fairly attractive women showed up. Like Penelope Cruz ... *makes motorboat sound with my lips*

Gallery features 138 pictures so click around:

• Penelope Cruz (7 pics here)
• Mila Kunis (11 pics here)
• Jennifer Lawrence (15 pics here)
• Natalie Portman (11 pics here)
• Erin Andrews (5 pics here)
• Maria Menounos (2 pics here)
• Mandy Moore (7 pics here)
• Melania Trump (3 pics here)
• Sandra Bullock (13 pics here)
• Reese Witherspoon (9 pics here)
• Marisa Tomei (7 pics here)
• Nicole Kidman (10 pics here)
• Scarlett Johansson (10 pics here)
• Mallika Sherawat (2 pics here)
• Anne Hathaway (13 pics here)
• Halle Berry (13 pics here)

Nohomo but Oscar has a nice ass

Like last year, I'll be live-tweeting the Oscars over at @celebslam. Also reposting here. Reload for updates starting at 5 PST.

4:50 - If I was in charge of the seating assignment at the Oscars, I'd intentionally try to make things as awkward as possible: Jennifer Aniston next to Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson next to Ryan Reynolds, Roman Polanski next to that little girl from "True Grit"

5:30 - Welcome to Oscar night aka "the night Hollywood coke dealers make 40% of their yearly profits"

5:31 - Oscar night for coke dealers is like Valentine's Day for florists

5:32 - James Franco always looks high

5:35 - Not only have I not laughed at this opening bit, I haven't even smirked

5:36 - This opening bit would have been 10x better if they just had a bear riding a motorcycle on stage

5:39 - Over/Under on how long until we see Kim Kardashian somewhere on screen? I have 4 minutes

5:40 - What a lucky break Anne Hathaway's mom happened to be mic'ed up

5:45 - That monologue was more uncomfortable than Ricky Gervais's

5:52 - Kirk Douglas walks out with a cane. Such a drama queen.

5:54 - I think if I was playing Kirk Douglas in a movie, I would just stuff a shitload of peanut butter into my mouth before every take

5:55 -  Bring on the hatetweets!

5:59 - Lindsay Lohan was robbed for Supporting Actress. She killed that 8 second cameo in "Machete"

6:00 - Kirk Douglas is totally getting some titty

6:01 - Justin Timberlake presenting with Mila Kunis. I hope he causes another wardrobe malfunction

6:03 -  If you've seen any of these animated shorts, I'm sorry but you're a pretentious asshole

6:14 - Are Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem serving hors d'oeuvres after they present?

6:16 - The orchestra starting to play during your speech is not a cue for "talk louder"

6:17 - Two beers down already. Shouldn't have picked IPAs. This might get messy.

6:24 - Anne Hathaway singing. Finally!

6:26 - James Franco just came out in a dress. Guy's aren't suppose to wear dresses! LOL! My funny bone is getting a good tickling tonight.

6:29 - For his next hilarious gag, James Franco will be throwing a pie in Anne Hathaway's face

6:33 - Christian Bale is really nailing this British accent. Incredible.

6:40 - I want to hit a golf ball through Anne Hathaway's mouth #puttputt

6:41 - Whose mouth is bigger? Julia Roberts or Anne Hathaway's?

6:43 - Hans Zimmer up for Oscar for Best Original Score. Wasn't he the bad guy in Die Hard?

6:46 - I think I speak for everyone here in saying this ceremony needs more of James Franco's timely comedic quips #pleasedie

7:05 - That whole "ask people on the street about their favorite Oscars song but also include a taped clip of Barack" made no fucking sense

7:28 - They should add Billy Crystal's jokes to the death montage

7:37 - Gwyneth Paltrow coming up! Get your bathroom breaks in now folks!

7:41 - These real singers were basically the opening act for Gwyneth Paltrow

7:45 - This Gwyneth Paltrow performance feels like it's missing a karaoke machine

7:48 - Kevin Spacey sitting behind Justin Timberlake. I wonder how many time he's smelled his hair?

7:52 - Yes! I was just telling my girlfriend that the only thing this ceremony's missing is a little Celine Dion

7:57 - "It's not the load that breaks you down..." I think Charlie Sheen said that to one of his hookers

8:02 - It's James Franco in a dress again! Wait, nevermind, that's Hilary Swank

8:06 - You didn't see it in the TV shot, but during Tom Hooper's speech, Hilary Swank was off to the side doing pushups

8:08 - Annette Bening's neck is probably more wrinkled than Warren Beatty's balls

8:14 - "Winter's Bone" sums up pretty nicely what I want to do to Jennifer Lawrence right now

8:16 - Wow, Natalie Portman's really let herself go. Surprised no one else is talking about this

8:21 - I hope Javier Bardem doesn't win. My TV doesn't have a subtitles feature

8:26 - I guess all it takes to win an award for Best Actor/Best Actress is to cry in your montage

8:28 - I hope Gwyneth Paltrow sings again

8:39 - Still undecided on James Franco and Anne Hathaway as hosts. Think we should bring them back next year

8:40 - Brilliant idea having these kids end the show. You can't criticize kids. Nah, I'm kidding. Fuck these stupid little fucks

8:41 - The only time kids are cute is when they're making my Nikes