Here's a list to keep you busy through Christmas. That's right, Christmas. Not "the holidays" -- Christmas. Santa died for our sins, dammit. The least he deserves is a day in his honor. Anyways, back to the list. Some of these celebs are gonna get wonderful presents, and others are gonna get coal in their stockings. And herpes. Definitely herpes.

NOTE: Each picture in this gallery has commentary below it, so make sure you click through.

*14 pictures total in the gallery:

  • Santa's Naughty List\: Chris Brown. Chris Brown has been on Santa's shit list since at least 2009 and simply refuses to get off of it. Look\, Mr. Kringle understands that Chris will never be sorry for delivering that savage beating to his idiot girlfriend - his problem with Chris is the fact that he demands we all eat shit over it. Sorry\, not gonna happen. Santa wastn't going with the traditional coal in the stocking bit\, but he was planning to let his elves take turns with Chris' mouth\, pussy\, and ass\, but how much of a punishment would that be to him\? Those pesky rumors never seem to go away...
  • Santa's Nice List\: Kate Upton. 2012 will be remembered as the year that masturbation was forgiven in the L.A. and New York offices of Celebslam - an incredible feat considering that more than half of my underlings are hot model chicks. Why\? Because Kate Upton's hotness nullified the politically correct assholes who roam the halls\, that's why. Go ahead and work my search engine digging through Kate pics until your wrists bleed\, you wankers.
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Kim Kardashian. It's finally coming to an end. The world will finally have their fill of Kim Kardashian\, just like the Mayans predicted back when we walked with dinosaurs. I know we've had our fun with Kim\, but that fake marriage was too distasteful for even the most hardcore of her fans. All of the attention whores who blindly followed fatso's adventures saw the light when Kim humiliated her Neanderthal\, Kris Humphries. Kim's dead soul was exposed far more than any taboo video ever could do. Good riddance.
  • Santa's Nice List\: Leonardo DiCaprio. "The King of Kings\," "Mr. Bag 'em and Tag em\," and dozens of other nicknames have been given to Leo - and well deserved they are. Leo's list of beauties reads like next years Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. What sets him head and shoulders above every other A-lister who bangs supermodels is the fact that no matter how it ends\, every single one of his conquests would run back in a heartbeat if he batted an eyelash. If there were ever a set of fingers to smell\, they would be Mr. DiCaprio's.
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Christina Aguilera. The former Xtina hasn't had a good time of it ever since she decided to literally become Aretha Franklin. Not the singer\, I mean the meat monster. I remember way back when Christina weighed 100 pounds\, she used to be able to be a complete asshole \(sorry\, the good-looking ones have it that way. Don't blame me\, blame God\). All of a sudden\, Christina and her bullshit diva ways aren't as acceptable now that she's creeping up on 200 lbs. Now that she's on The Voice\, Christina has the entire English speaking world to bare witness to her nonsense.
  • Santa's Nice List\: Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer isn't having a great year\, she's having a great decade. I'll put her on this time because of my goldfish-like memory. She's super-talented and extremely hot\, but Jennifer has just a slight touch of the ol' low self-esteem that makes her gloriously bangable. Hopefully she'll reprise her role as Mystique if they ever make another X-Men movie\, or at least run around in blue body paint and pasties for awhile.
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Amanda Bynes. What happened\? Amanda was one of those Nickelodeon kids that most of you dirtbags would spank your monkeys to in secret\, then in the span of a summer\, she turned into Lindsay Lohan...or at least followed in LiLo's giant footsteps. The difference of course is that if Lindsay can pull out of her tailspin she can fall back on her acting\, which even I admit could be impressive at times. Amanda\? Her acting reminds me of Dennis Rodman mugging for any camera pointed in his general direction. And that's not a compliment\, kids.
  • Santa's Nice List\: Nina Dobrev. Nina Dobrev is the 2012 version of Kristen Bell. She seemed to have exploded out of nowhere and now she's on a Celebslam list that all of the A-listers are fighting to get on. Do you want to know why The Vampire Diaries wasn't cancelled after one episode\? It's because there's always a distinct possibility that Nina will wear yoga pants at some point in the show\, and that's as good a reason as any to keep that entire CW joke of a network going.
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Kristen Stewart. Come on\, now. You guys KNEW that there was no way I was going to do a naughty list without putting Kristen on it. Kristen was given an incredible gift by the movie-going audience and Hollywood in general\: She was allowed to be a star without having the ability to act. Pattinson is the franchise - her job was to protect his image but unfortunately she had an itch that only a mediocre director could scratch. Kristen might as well start auditioning to be on network cop shows because her career on the silver screen is probably over.
  • Santa's Nice List\: Megan Fox. Santa's been piling up Megan Fox's gifts for years now\, so why would this Christmas be any different\? She pinched an enormous fruit-loaf on the God-awful Transformers franchise\; she's given dorks like David Silver hope that even they can score a 10 and not suffer the wrath of the gods\; and she actually had a baby and didn't sell it for some cheap\, grocery store tabloid money \(hi Jessica\, Angelina\, Buffy the Vampire Slayer\, etc\). Nope\, Megan will receive nothing but the best that Santa has to offer...which she will promptly smash to bits because she really is hot enough to get away with it.
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Demi Moore. I really didn't want to put Demi on this List\, but Santa is the boss 'round these here parts\, by golly. Demi's at the age where a woman should accept her age with dignity and humility\, not waste what's left of her time on Earth trying to recapture her youth with reckless abandon. It's been so bad that I'm almost feeling sympathy for what Ashton Kutcher must have been up against the last couple of years...almost. Ashton is still a douche dispenser.
  • Santa's Nice List\: Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is badass. I thought she was just another John Mayer conquest\, but Taylor is doing a lot of Mayering herself. That record of hers is absolutely huge\, and she hasn't been afraid to promote the hell out of it using every tool she owns - which includes her vadge hole. I've been reviewing our dear website\, and do you know what I found\? I found that Taylor's been featured here quite often\, and\, more often than not\, she's humiliating some dude who thought he'd be "the one." I think I speak for Santa when I say "Good job\, Taylor" and "Fuck the Kennedys."
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Madonna. This might be the last time we chat about Madge until after the new year\, so I'll just give you the skinny on Ol' Saint Nick's problem with the Material Granny\: She tries was too hard to stay relevant. Madonna should be happy that she can still sell out some shitty Vegas casino or random Indian slot machine joint on what she calls a "world tour" these days\, but the desperation is really starting to leave an odor. I don't care about your stupid politics and I don't care if you go to a pre-natal ward and start jerking off immigrant babies. Just keep it to yourself.
  • Santa's Naughty List\: Lindsay Lohan. I doubt Santa would leave a lump of coal in Lindsay's stocking only because Lilo would probably grind it into a fine powder and put that nose to work on it. Lindsay's act is pretty tired now that she's not even slightly pretty. I sold my Lindsay Dead Pool pick\, so now I hope she gets the help she needs. Love and best wishes\, firecrotch.
[FameFlynet, WENN]

Would You Rather?

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