Al Qaeda only exists because Mark Wahlberg allows them to

In the new issue of Men's Journal, Mark Wahlberg makes the incredibly boastful claim that if he was on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center in 2001 (he was supposedly scheduled to), things would have played out a little differently. Yes, that Mark Wahlberg. The one who starred in Planet of the Apes. He said:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we're going to land somewhere safely, don't worry.'"

Of course Mark is leaving out the part about the terrorists threatening to blow up the plane if passengers tried anything. He's also leaving out the part about how it was simply inconceivable to passengers aboard the two early flights that crashed into the World Trade Center that the terrorists would actually crash into the World Trade Center, unlike passengers aboard Flight 93 (the "Let's Roll" flight that crashed in Pennsylvania), who were told by friends/family about the earlier doomed flights. Despite that, Mark -- all 5'7" of him -- would have kicked some terrorist ass, unlike the other pussies who just sat there and did nothing. In conclusion, fuck you Mark Wahlberg you stupid fucking asshole.

*7 Mark Wahlberg pictures total in the gallery:

[WENN]