February 2011 NUDE!

Lindsay Ellingson

American model Lindsay Ellingson

*21 Lindsay Ellingson pictures total in the gallery:

The 2011 Academy Awards: Just the Attractive People

By any reasonable standard, the Academy Awards blew donkey cock last night (at one point James Franco walked out a dress which wouldn't have been funny even if I was high as a motherfucker). The telecast peaked when Anne Hathaway said "Welcome to..." and it was all downhill from there. But at least some fairly attractive women showed up. Like Penelope Cruz ... *makes motorboat sound with my lips*

Gallery features 138 pictures so click around:

• Penelope Cruz (7 pics here)
• Mila Kunis (11 pics here)
• Jennifer Lawrence (15 pics here)
• Natalie Portman (11 pics here)
• Erin Andrews (5 pics here)
• Maria Menounos (2 pics here)
• Mandy Moore (7 pics here)
• Melania Trump (3 pics here)
• Sandra Bullock (13 pics here)
• Reese Witherspoon (9 pics here)
• Marisa Tomei (7 pics here)
• Nicole Kidman (10 pics here)
• Scarlett Johansson (10 pics here)
• Mallika Sherawat (2 pics here)
• Anne Hathaway (13 pics here)
• Halle Berry (13 pics here)

Reality star Angela Simmons (Run's House, Daddy's Girls) in Miami (2/27)

+ Taylor Momsen does what for Satan? [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Brooklyn Decker's rack was at the Vanity Fair party [IDLYITW]
+ Britney leaked . . . not like that [Celebuzz]
+ Holly Branson upskirt (site NSFW) [TaxiDriverMovie]
+ Charlize Theron is really really pretty [Just Jared]

+ Selena Gomez showing off her mini cleavage at the Vanity Fair party [Dlisted]
+ I can't keep up with this motherfucker [PopEater]
+ Hot chick fight! [Evil Beet]
+ Adriana Lima really fills out lingerie [Derek Hail]

LIST OF THE DAY: 25 pics of Coco being obscene

*20 Angela Simmons bikini pictures total in the gallery:

Every teen boy's fantasy

Of course the big story at last night's Academy Awards was Justin Bieber getting shot and killed at the Vanity Fair afterparty. Nah, I kid, I kid -- these pics are from his appearance on CSI a few weeks ago. But I'm not kidding about Justin's desire to get some hot Playmate ass. Via Contact Music:

Magazine entrepreneur [Hugh] Hefner took his fiancee Crystal Harris to see Bieber's tour documentary Never Say Never on Valentine's Day - and now the Baby hitmaker has asked Hefner if he can attend the raunchy palatial property and meet the infamous Playboy Bunnies.

Speaking to CNN's Piers Morgan, Hefner reveals, "Today we got news that Justin and his father want to come to the Mansion."

And it seems Bieber is set to be a popular visitor - Hefner's fiancee Crystal Harris adds, "I want to meet Justin Bieber. I have Bieber fever. We all do, all the Playmates. We all want to meet him."

Besides hooking up with your buddy's hot mom, this has got to be every teenage boy's ultimate fantasy come true. This kid will be walking around with more wood than Paul Bunyan. It's also nice to know that Justin's father will be there to be a positive influence. Because as every good parent knows, if you don't take your child to the library park world's epicenter of sexual depravity, they might not grow up to be like all the other kids.

*10 Justin Bieber pictures total in the gallery:

Victoria Beckham arriving to a pre-Oscar party at a private residence on Coldwater Canyon Drive in Beverly Hills (2/26)

About damn time someone put those uppity handicapped in their place. From the Daily Mail:

She is one of the world’s most recognisable stars, though on this occasion Victoria Beckham cannot have been thrilled to be quite so well-known. Mrs Beckham, 36, last night apologised after it emerged the star’s chauffeur-driven black Jaguar car had parked in a disabled bay outside a toy-shop in Harlow, Essex.

Indeed, the Daily Mail has learned the star deprived seriously ill Cystic Fibrosis sufferer Chantelle Hughes - who arrived soon after - of the parking spot in front of Toys R Us at lunchtime last Sunday. Last night, a spokesman for Mrs Beckham told the Daily Mail: ‘'This was a momentary lapse in judgement by Victoria's driver, not something that Victoria was aware of or would ever condone.

"Victoria is of course, hugely apologetic for any inconvenience that may have been caused," the spokesman added.

The fashion designer and her sister Louise Adams went to the shop to buy four ‘Bob the Builder’ branded balloons on sticks, believed to be part of celebrations for her youngest son Cruz’s sixth birthday that day.

What's most surprising about this story isn't the fact that Victoria's driver is an insensitive douchebag, it's that she actually goes out to buy her kids' presents. Don't rich people usually hire a lackey to do that for them? Also, hasn't Victoria heard of this thing called the "internets" where you can download free porn, buy toys online, download free porn, and download free porn? Regardless, either one of these scenarios would have been better for the kids in that Toys"R"Us. Because the only thing in a toy store more damaging to a child than seeing a praying mantis-esque Victoria Beckham are the toys made in China.

*15 Victoria Beckham pictures total in the gallery:

Quentin Tarantino at  the 36th Annual Cesar Awards at the Théâtre du Châtelet in Paris (2/25)

CAPTION: Oh no, Quentin Tarantino's ego is escaping through his mouth!

*21 Quentin Tarantino pictures total in the gallery:

Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale at the "2011 Vanity Fair Oscar Party" at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood (2/27)

*20 Kate Beckinsale pictures total in the gallery:

Charlie Sheen is an asshole

Oh this should be good. March 12, 2009: "Excused myself from set, went to the bathroom and did drugs." March 13, 2009: "Excused myself from set, went to the bathroom and did drugs." March 14, 2009: "Excused myself from set, went to the bathroom and did drugs." From TMZ:

Charlie Sheen tells TMZ he's writing a tell-all book about life on the set of "Two and a Half Men" -- with details about what led up to the final implosion -- and he wants at least $10 mil for the publishing rights.

Sheen tells us he wants the world to know what really happened behind-the-scenes of the show during his 8-year run ... the good times and the bad ... and he plans on naming names -- including co-stars. We're told Sheen even has a title in mind -- "When the Laughter Stopped."

Sheen says even though he's still working on the book -- he's expecting a bidding war for the publishing rights ... starting around $10 mil.

Why is Charlie writing a book for cash? After 177 episodes of Two and Half Men and the ridiculous stuff he's been doing lately (buying houses and cars for his whores), it's pretty clear that he has a bank account full of "Fuck You Money." That's when you make so much money that you just don't give a shit anymore. Bosses, friends, co-workers -- they can go fuck themselves for all you care. Of course there is one thing Charlie's going to find out that that much money can't buy: happiness a cure for herpes.

*12 Charlie Sheen pictures total in the gallery:

Susan Sarandon's a weirdo

You know what the only difference between insanity and eccentricity is? Net worth. If you're rich and do crazy shit, you're eccentric. If you're poor and do crazy shit, you're insane. From Popeater:

Apparently, the tooth fairy doesn't visit Susan Sarandon's house. 'The Lovely Bones' actress has been stepping out at events wearing a rather unusual bracelet crafted from opals, rubies, gold and -- her children's teeth! Yes, you read that right.

She crafted the personalized bracelet from the pearly whites of daughter Eva Amurri and sons Jack Robbins and Miles Robbins. "A friend of mine designed it," she told PopEater as she twirled the bracelet around her wrist.

Susan's wearing a teeth bracelet that was designed by one of her friends? What is he, a witch doctor? Sure, some people wear necklaces made with a shark's tooth, but not teeth from their own progeny. The only way this story of wearing the teeth of her children could have been any more nauseating is if her kids were actually British.

*6 Susan Sarandon pictures total in the gallery:

Nohomo but Oscar has a nice ass

Like last year, I'll be live-tweeting the Oscars over at @celebslam. Also reposting here. Reload for updates starting at 5 PST.

4:50 - If I was in charge of the seating assignment at the Oscars, I'd intentionally try to make things as awkward as possible: Jennifer Aniston next to Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson next to Ryan Reynolds, Roman Polanski next to that little girl from "True Grit"

5:30 - Welcome to Oscar night aka "the night Hollywood coke dealers make 40% of their yearly profits"

5:31 - Oscar night for coke dealers is like Valentine's Day for florists

5:32 - James Franco always looks high

5:35 - Not only have I not laughed at this opening bit, I haven't even smirked

5:36 - This opening bit would have been 10x better if they just had a bear riding a motorcycle on stage

5:39 - Over/Under on how long until we see Kim Kardashian somewhere on screen? I have 4 minutes

5:40 - What a lucky break Anne Hathaway's mom happened to be mic'ed up

5:45 - That monologue was more uncomfortable than Ricky Gervais's

5:52 - Kirk Douglas walks out with a cane. Such a drama queen.

5:54 - I think if I was playing Kirk Douglas in a movie, I would just stuff a shitload of peanut butter into my mouth before every take

5:55 -  Bring on the hatetweets!

5:59 - Lindsay Lohan was robbed for Supporting Actress. She killed that 8 second cameo in "Machete"

6:00 - Kirk Douglas is totally getting some titty

6:01 - Justin Timberlake presenting with Mila Kunis. I hope he causes another wardrobe malfunction

6:03 -  If you've seen any of these animated shorts, I'm sorry but you're a pretentious asshole

6:14 - Are Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem serving hors d'oeuvres after they present?

6:16 - The orchestra starting to play during your speech is not a cue for "talk louder"

6:17 - Two beers down already. Shouldn't have picked IPAs. This might get messy.

6:24 - Anne Hathaway singing. Finally!

6:26 - James Franco just came out in a dress. Guy's aren't suppose to wear dresses! LOL! My funny bone is getting a good tickling tonight.

6:29 - For his next hilarious gag, James Franco will be throwing a pie in Anne Hathaway's face

6:33 - Christian Bale is really nailing this British accent. Incredible.

6:40 - I want to hit a golf ball through Anne Hathaway's mouth #puttputt

6:41 - Whose mouth is bigger? Julia Roberts or Anne Hathaway's?

6:43 - Hans Zimmer up for Oscar for Best Original Score. Wasn't he the bad guy in Die Hard?

6:46 - I think I speak for everyone here in saying this ceremony needs more of James Franco's timely comedic quips #pleasedie

7:05 - That whole "ask people on the street about their favorite Oscars song but also include a taped clip of Barack" made no fucking sense

7:28 - They should add Billy Crystal's jokes to the death montage

7:37 - Gwyneth Paltrow coming up! Get your bathroom breaks in now folks!

7:41 - These real singers were basically the opening act for Gwyneth Paltrow

7:45 - This Gwyneth Paltrow performance feels like it's missing a karaoke machine

7:48 - Kevin Spacey sitting behind Justin Timberlake. I wonder how many time he's smelled his hair?

7:52 - Yes! I was just telling my girlfriend that the only thing this ceremony's missing is a little Celine Dion

7:57 - "It's not the load that breaks you down..." I think Charlie Sheen said that to one of his hookers

8:02 - It's James Franco in a dress again! Wait, nevermind, that's Hilary Swank

8:06 - You didn't see it in the TV shot, but during Tom Hooper's speech, Hilary Swank was off to the side doing pushups

8:08 - Annette Bening's neck is probably more wrinkled than Warren Beatty's balls

8:14 - "Winter's Bone" sums up pretty nicely what I want to do to Jennifer Lawrence right now

8:16 - Wow, Natalie Portman's really let herself go. Surprised no one else is talking about this

8:21 - I hope Javier Bardem doesn't win. My TV doesn't have a subtitles feature

8:26 - I guess all it takes to win an award for Best Actor/Best Actress is to cry in your montage

8:28 - I hope Gwyneth Paltrow sings again

8:39 - Still undecided on James Franco and Anne Hathaway as hosts. Think we should bring them back next year

8:40 - Brilliant idea having these kids end the show. You can't criticize kids. Nah, I'm kidding. Fuck these stupid little fucks

8:41 - The only time kids are cute is when they're making my Nikes