If you care about these sort of things, I'm live tweeting the Oscars over at @celebslam. I'll repost here

12pm - I need Iron Eagle on Blu-ray, and I need it bad.

*ok, technically that wasn't about the Oscars. We're off to a rough start.

5:30 - This opening monologue is painful

5:35 - Steve Martin should make a joke about Alec Baldwin's fat pig of a daughter

5:45 - How is her accent still that thick?

5:46 - I think Gabourey Sidibe got her ticket from scalpers . . . damn her seat sucks

5:52 - Cameron Diaz, Steve Carell, AND Miley Cyrus coming up? Oh, why must there be commercials!

5:54 - Cameron Diaz is playing a ditzy presenter. Wow, what a stretch.

6:00 - I hope Miley Cyrus gets voted Prom Queen

6:04 - "I love you more than rainbows" . . . Will someone punch this guy in the balls backstage?

6:10 - Very happy that Christoph Waltz won for Best Supporting Actor. Germany hasn't been this excited since the Night of Broken Glass

6:10 - That joke would funnier if he was actually German

6:17 - Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick talking about John Hughes right now. You can almost cut the sexual tension with a knife.

6:20 - No chance in hell [Gabourey Sidibe makes it stage]. If [she] wins, she may be the first actress to accept an Oscar from her seat.

6:31 - Just learned that telling a great story will win you an Academy Award. Yep, that and $300 million.

6:33 - Who is this crazy red-haired bitch?

6:33 - SECURITY!

6:36 - That dude came all the way from the back of the theatre to accept his award. He's like the Rosa Parks of Oscar winners.

6:46 - Why haven't I seen a Luke Wilson AT&T commercial yet? Dammit, I want to make fun of him.

6:46 - Luke Wilson wasn't invited to the Oscars because the producers thought he might try to peel all the awards to get to the chocolate inside.

6:59 - Mo'nique given standing ovation . . . except by George Clooney

6:59 - Conclusion: George Clooney hates black people.

7:04 - Coming up, Sarah Jessica Parker and a tribute to horror films. Can't we just combine those?

7:07 - Proof of Clooney's deep-seated racism, no pun intended:



7:11 - I hope Gabourey Sidibe wins for Best Actress so we can see Clooney hiss at her and throw a tomato

7:18 - Kristen Stewart looks hot. She should take showers more often.

7:28 - "Please welcome John Travolta" - if you have HD, you just shit yourself. Thank god they didn't do a close-up

7:33 - Did Sandra Bullock just say "DP"?

7:34 - I'm so turned on right now

7:40 - This just in: Brittany Murphy's widow Simon demanding royalties from the Academy for the video they played of her in the death montage.

7:45 - Why the hell is J.Lo presenting? Did she win some sort of charity auction?

7:49 - "the Oscars musical dance tribute" aka "a good time to go to the bathroom"

7:50 - I've always said the Oscars needed more interpretive dance. Finally someone listened.

8:05 - Of course the dolphin movie won. The Academy is half women.

8:25 - Currently writing a script for a movie about a gay black guy fighting racism in the 1950s Deep South. In 3-D. Guaranteed Best Picture winner

8:39 - Oprah Winfrey on stage. I bet she talks about Sandra Bullock.

8:43 - I hate when people talk about actors taking risks. If you're getting a paycheck, it's not a risk. stfu.

8:47 - I already want to punch Sean Penn and he's literally been on screen 4 seconds.

8:57 - Did they have to seat Kathryn Bigelow directly in front of James Cameron . . . wait a minute, is that a 'kick me' sign stuck to her back?

9:00 - Tom Hanks has an appointment or something to get to. Jesus Christ he read that card fast.

9:04 - I can't wait for Leno tomorrow night. I bet he has a joke in his monologue about how long the Oscars were. LOL!!!

9:10 - "The Oscars were so long, half the front row died of boredom and had to be added to the death montage" LOL! I can't believe he went there!!!