Lindsay Lohan's job in 6 months

There's no sense beating around the bush on this -- I just need to say it: Michael Lohan wants to nail his daughter. No no, not Ali -- that's just creepy. I mean Lindsay. From the New York Daily News:

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Russell Crowe and other celebs may not recall exactly what they did at Scores during the strip club's thong-snapping, Champagne-drenched, mob-tainted heyday. But former owner Elliot Osher can help them remember.

For 18 years, since he started as a bouncer, Osher kept notes on anyone famous who walked into either of Scores' two Manhattan locations.

"Lindsay Lohan's father once sat down and described the kind of dancer he was looking for," says Osher. "We sent some girls over. Funny, they all seemed to look like Lindsay. We ended up having to show him to the door."

Michael Lohan admits getting into an "altercation," but maintains, "No girls danced for me. The last thing I'd want to see is a girl who looked like Lindsay. I don't even look at the magazines where she's done some risqué photos."

This explains everything about Lindsay. The drugs, the drinking, the cutting, the whoring, the mean emails to celebrity bloggers -- all are because of her twisted relationship with her father. The fact is that any guy that wants to get lap dances from a chick that looks like his daughter is guaranteeing three things in life: 1. His daughter will be messed up, 2. During the father/daughter dance at her wedding, he'll have wood, 3. A Christmas card from Joe Simpson.