Madonna and Mercy James earlier this year

Madonna's newly-adopted daughter, Mercy James, was secretly flown from Malawi to London early Saturday morning. And then immediately introduced to Madonna's wacky religion Kabbalah. From machete-wielding death squads and hungry lions to a string-based religion and a mom that looks like she just stepped out of a nightmare. Dude, this kid's life sucks. The Mirror says:

Mercy wasn’t allowed time to play with toys or settle into her new life. Instead, within hours of arriving, Madonna whisked the child and her new siblings Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight and David, three, to her first lesson in the controversial Kabbalah faith.

Madonna’s ex, Guy Ritchie, who was at the singer’s side when she first spotted Mercy in a Malawi orphanage in 2006, was at the Kabbalah centre. The family spent an hour at the  meeting in London  before Mercy - wearing a pair of new shiny white sandals - returned to Madonna’s £15million home in Mayfair.

Yesterday experts condemned the way the 50-year-old singer handled her first day as Mercy’s mum. They said Kabbalah was the last thing she needed and urged the superstar to give Mercy quiet time to adapt to her new surroundings.

Child psychologist Katherine Fingleton said: “Taking her to a Kabbalah meeting will be a complete culture shock. She should be kept safe from experiences in the spotlight that will not help with her development.”

Of course Madonna made sure to be on the flight from Malawi to London. This must certainly be a frightening time in young Mercy's life and I'm glad Madonna recognized that and was there to be a calming influence. Totally kidding. Madonna wasn't even on the flight. Mercy was accompanied by a nanny, a nurse, and an aide -- or as she'll no doubt be referring to them in the future: mommy one, mommy two, and mommy three. Madonna's nickname? That lady.