May 2009 NUDE!

Lindsay Lohan outside her home in the Hollywood Hills (5/25)

Lindsay Lohan is taking applications for a new dad (qualifications: must have at least 20+ years experience and a nine-digit net worth -- half liquid) -- she's officially given up on her fuck-up of a dad Michael. From the Chicago Sun Times:

The renewed legal problems for Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan -- including charges he threatened his ex-fiancee and is behind in child support payments to LiLo's mom, Dina Lohan -- have further estranged him from his famous daughter. The actress continues to rebuff her dad's attempts to reach her -- specifically asking for money. A source close to the actress says she now describes her biological father as ''the sperm donor."

Why is Michael asking Lindsay for money? She hasn't worked in months. Her checking account is emptier than Paris Hilton's soul. At this point, he'd have an easier time getting money out of an IndyMac Bank. Since Lindsay considers her father to be nothing more than a "sperm donor" and wants him to stop relying on her for money, she should suggest he get a job at the one place where he's apparently overqualified: here.

Megan Fox

Megan Fox at LAX airport (5/28)

Audrina Patridge leaving Kitson boutique in West Hollywood (5/21)

There's already drama on The Hills between Audrina Patridge and newcomer Kristin Cavallari (playing the part of Lauren Conrad this season). Yesterday Audrina revealed to Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that the two got into it while filming a bonus episode of the show:

"I don't like her . . . When someone gets in my face, I have to defend myself. And, you guys, I mean, I can't say much. They'll show it, but I mean, all I have to say is, it's really pathetic and desperate what people will do when the cameras are around. It was my birthday, and I was like, Oh, my God. Is this what we're going to have to deal with?'"

It's only downhill from here. It's pretty obvious what Audrina needs to do. She needs to walk away from The Hills and try to make it in the real world. Wait, are there any 9-5 jobs that involve coloring?

Shauna Sand bikini pics! (Miami - 5/28)

I'm disappointed in Shauna Sand. This is the second time this year she's worn that bikini (see here). Where I come from, angels don't recycle bikinis. She needs to cut her monthly lucite budget by around 20% or so and use that money to buy some new bikinis. I know the industry will take a pretty big hit (think layoffs and factory closures) but it's something that has to be done.

Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva

Mel Gibson's girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva is set to cash in once she pops out his baby -- to the tune of 10 million bucks. She's basically carrying a winning lottery ticket in her womb right now. To recap, this kid hasn't even gotten rid of his tail yet and he's already worth more than me. Kill self? From Bill Zwecker the Chicago Sun Times:

On Friday, I learned Gibson also has agreed to pay Grigorieva $10 million, ‘‘the moment her baby is born, and not one second beforehand.’’ In addition, the singer — who developed her relationship with Gibson after signing with the record label he owns — will be guaranteed $40,000 per month in child support until the kid is 18.

On top of that all of the child’s educational expenses — including private elementary and high school costs, plus undergraduate college expenses — will be paid by Gibson.

If the couple do marry, I also understand a preliminary prenuptial agreement is in place that would pay Grigorieva an additional $25 million, with the stipulation being she would not be entitled to any other claim on Gibson’s fortune or potential estate if they are married at the time of this death.

Ambition, drive, and work ethic. Apparently those traits are for suckers. If you really want to become wealthy, you just need to follow three simple steps: 1. Sleep with an old rich dude, 2. Tell him you're on the pill, 3. Profit. With so much money on the line, at this point Oksana's probably praying for just one thing: that she gives birth to a healthy baby triplets.

Brody Jenner and his girlfriend Jayde Nicole filming an episode of The Hills at Pinches Tacos in West Hollywood (5/28)

+ Kendra Wilkinson still has outrageous tits [Drunken Stepfather]

+ Kristin Cavallari has sweet legs [Hollywood Tuna]
+ A little something for the ladies [The Superficial]
+ Kim Kardashian is a Little Underdressed [Egotastic!]
+ Evangeline is so damn sexy [Popoholic]

+ I would love to see here do another chick [Bastardly]
+ Tom Brady did not knock up a supermodel [I'm Not Obsessed]
+ Boobies! (NSFW) [College Humor]
+ Chris Brown is being sued by an idiot [Dlisted]
+ Tori Spelling killed her dad [A Socialite's Life]

+ Dream turns to a nightmare for Susan Boyle [Yeeeah!]
+ Megan Fox has a nipple adjuster [CityRag]
+ Star magazine claims Angelina is pregnant yet again [popbytes]
+ J.Lo is jealous [Gabby Babble]

Alessandra Ambrosio

Brazilian supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio

Denise Richards and her daughter Lola in Pacific Palisades (5/26)

+ Ellen Pompeo really let herself go [Just Jared]

+ Hef parades his whores in front of the paparazzi [Drunken Stepfather]
+ Avril Lavigne Bikini Pictures Put on a Few [Egotastic!]
+ Kim Kardashian showing her huge tits [Popoholic]
+ Penelope Cruz's bikini ass [TaxiDriverMovie]

+ Regiane Brunnquel is your afternoon pick-me-up [F-Listed]
+ Sambhavna Seth is rather attractive [Holy Taco]
+ Michael Vick is living it up on house arrest [Bossip]
+ I thought this dude died years ago [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt at the Fifi Awards in New York (5/28)

Paris Hilton ripped into the The Hills last night at the Fifi Awards in New York. Her current boyfriend Doug Reinhardt was a series regular (and was dumped by Lauren Conrad) before the two began dating. She told Us Weekly:

"The show is, like, so lame and fake. They portray [Doug] in a way he's not, and they make up relationships that are not there. He just thinks it's lame. I've never seen the show in my life, so I have no idea what it's about, but he just thought it was cheesy."

Paris realizes she used to star on The Simple Life, right? The Hills is like Seinfeld or Cheers compared to that piece of shit. I remember in one season -- The Simple Life 2: Road Trip I believe -- Paris hooked up with one of the locals. Well she didn't give him anal until their third date. I mean, how fake is that?

Rihanna at the DKMS gala in New York (5/8)

Rihanna's lawyer revealed today that the singer will most likely testify at Chris Brown's preliminary hearing on June 22. The hearing is being held to determine if there is enough evidence for the case to go to trial . . . which I don't think is gonna be a problem for the prosecution. "I present Exhibit A: Rihanna's face. Case closed." From the AP:

Rihanna is among the witnesses whom prosecutors plan to call during a hearing in Chris Brown's assault case, an attorney said Thursday. Donald Etra, Rihanna's lawyer, told reporters that prosecutors have told him the Barbados-born singer will receive a subpoena to testify at a preliminary hearing June 22.

The hearing will focus on whether there is enough evidence to continue the case against Brown. Etra said Rihanna will comply with the order. It would mark her first appearance in court since felony assault and criminal threats charges were filed against Brown in March. If she is called to testify, the 21-year-old singer would be subject to cross-examination by Brown's attorney, Mark Geragos.

Somehow I don't think the cross-examination by Chris Brown's attorney is gonna be a problem for Rihanna. I mean, what exactly does a defense attorney ask a domestic violence victim that doesn't immediately make him sound like an insensitive prick? "Isn't it true that . . . you love delicious ice cream? I'm done with this witness your Honor."