Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag out and about in West Hollywood (4/10)

So if you haven't heard, Heidi and Spencer are supposed to be "officially" married this weekend in Pasadena (the couple's wedding in Mexico last November was about as real as Heidi's tits). There's only one slight problem. It's another sham ceremony, done entirely for ratings. Why! Why do they so callously toy with my emotions like this! A source told In Touch Weekly:

"It’s just a plot line. They’re not really getting married, of course."

The over-the-top wedding will take place on April 25 at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Pasadena, Calif., on a closed set with the entire Hills cast in attendance. Though Heidi and Spencer’s nemesis Lauren Conrad will not be in the wedding, In Touch can confirm exclusively that she will make an appearance. "They want Lauren to do something dramatic," the source says.

If Lauren wants "to do something dramatic" at Heidi and Spencer's wedding, I've got word for her: Flamethrower. Load that puppy full of the burniest napalm she can find. It'd be perfect for everyone. Lauren could have her revenge on her nemesis, MTV would get huge ratings, and best of all we wouldn't have to see those two Aryan Nation poster children ever again. Wow, I'm really good. At least now I know if blogging doesn't work out I'll have a profession to fall back on -- Wedding Planner. [WENN, Pacific Coast News]