By DReaD

Beautiful Spanish actress Penelope Cruz earns bucketfuls of money with her looks; she earned $2 million a year just from L’Oreal cosmetics. As a film star, she was paid $1.6 million to appear with Matthew McConaughey in “Sahara”. When she found out McConaughey was being paid $8 million for the film, she commented “hijo de perra, puede besar mi trasero espanol”, which when translated means “I respect how much Matthew earned, as he is a fine actor who will no doubt win at least 2 Academy Awards”.*

Not only is Cruz beautiful, but she also very intelligent. She can understand 4 languages: English, Spanish, French and Italian, but just couldn’t get a grasp of Thetan when Tom Cruise tried to teach her the language of Scientology.

In 2006, she starred in the film “Bandidos” with Salma Hayek. Sadly, “Bandidos” is not the Spanish word for “Bondage”.

Super-rich Halle Berry received her first $1 million paycheck for the 1996 film “Executive Decision”. Since then, this sexy African American actress has commanded higher and higher paychecks, receiving upwards of $10 million for her most recent movies. She even got paid for “Catwoman”!

In 1997 Berry incurred the wrath of many of her UK fans. She appeared in the film “BAPs”, which in the USA is short for Black American Princesses. However, in many parts of England, BAPS is a slang word for breasts. The film was cynically marketed in these parts of England with this: “See Halle Berry, one of many beautiful BAPS featured in this film. Watch her kiss fellow BAPS and later introduce her BAPS to her parents”. Sick bastards.

Rumors still abound that she was paid $500,000 to show her breasts in the action film “Swordfish”. Fellow “Swordfish” star John Travolta offered to show his for just $5 and a tube of toupee superglue.

Russell Crowe is a well-regarded actor who can command huge sums to appear in films. He received $5 million for “Gladiator”, $15 million for “A Beautiful Mind” and $20 million for “Master and Commander”. For his next movie, “State of Play”, he wanted $30 million, a white rhinoceros, a 25 carat diamond, proof of alien existence and Lindsay Lohan’s virginity. 4 out of 5 isn’t bad.

Crowe famously lost his temper with a producer who cut a poem the actor was reading from a television broadcast. The poem went:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I won an Oscar

So fuck you.

He once bought former lover Meg Ryan a $25,000 Buick Riviera for her birthday. It was actually a very romantic gesture, as he filled the driver seat with red roses, the passenger seat with chocolates and put Dennis Quaid’s head in the trunk.

Daniel Day-Lewis may well be the greatest actor of his generation, regardless of what Russell Crowe’s ego insists. This talented British-Irish thespian keeps his salary to himself, but is believed to earn the $15-20 million paychecks top Hollywood hitters receive.

Known for staying in character during film-making, he scalped a cameraman and best boy on “Last of the Mohicans”, parked in the disabled spot during “My Left Foot”, mugged the producer of “Gangs of New York” and sailed to Fiji and was eaten by cannibals for “The Bounty”.

Daniel Day-Lewis is such a committed actor he even offered to saw off his own legs to star as a Jawa in the future Star Wars release “In the Name of the Jabba”. In the end, George Lucas decided to stick with his midgets (“less angsty” he commented).

*That is, if the Academy ever introduce an Oscar for the category: Actor With The Most Heinous Body Odor.