By DReaD

Mariah Carey paid $662,500 for a piano that was previously owned by Marilyn Monroe. This is small change for a woman who has sold over 100 million albums and could afford to pay Virgin Records $30 million to buy her contract out, because they realized she was crap.

Carey is highly regarded for her vocal talents, music business savvy and huge breasts. It is believed that her breasts are actually hollow and that she keeps a fawning midget * locked up inside each breast who she releases only when she is alone and needs to hear some serious ass-kissing.

Carey has won 5 Grammy awards, all in the “Best Tantrum in the Green Room by a Female Artist who is not Whitney Houston” category.

Twitchy-arsed singer Shakira once bought a mansion in Miami that cost her over $3 million. It was for sale at $5 million but Shakira used her magic hips to hypnotize the realtor into a coma.

World-famous for basically shaking her behind a lot, scientists have recently made a startling discovery about the Colombian singer… she actually has a good voice. Unfortunately, they also discovered that if she stops shaking her booty the Moon will crash into the Earth wiping out all of mankind.

Shakira’s fiancé is the only man in the world who asks his partner to move a little less in bed… before she tears his penis off.

Ice-T is so rich, he was able to rebuild his wife, CoCo (Nicole Austin). Not that she had been in a terrible auto-accident or house fire, just that he felt she would be happier with a huge pair of comedy breasts and an ass so large that it could be used as a landing platform for the space shuttle. Apparently he keeps an Uzi in her left breast and a spare tire for a Hummer in the right one.

I was going to mention how rich Ice-T actually is but he threatened to pop a cap in my ass, which is rich, coming from an ass in a cap.

Ice-T is actually a very likeable person; behind the “gangsta”/automatic machine-gun/pimps and drugs persona he often portrays, there lies hidden a really bad actor.

English footballer/potato look-alike Wayne Rooney, or as he is better known in the USA, the Bank of Coleen McLoughlin, is so rich that he no longer has to pay for sex from women as old as his grandmother. Everton football club sold him to Manchester United for $60 million, which just managed to pay for his tab at his favorite brothel in Liverpool, the Doghouse.

Rooney has not been clever with the money he has earned from football. OK, so he has bought property, made investments and has huge advertising contracts. But he still hasn’t paid for plastic surgery.

Rooney once said he wanted to be more like fellow football star David Beckham, that is, play his best football until he is 28, then marry an anorexic pop star who looks like a hockey stick with 2 pumpkins nailed to it and sell-out for $250 million to an American soccer team made up of extras who were on “the OC”.

* Kindly provided by George Lucas’ musical wing, Droidtown, run by Finger-licking Dan & the Musical Nads.