By DReaD

Monica Bellucci is one of a handful of European actresses who can command million dollar salaries. Directors are so desperate to have this Italian goddess in their movies that she even got paid over a million euros for a Belgian film called “Combien tu m’aimes”. The film made $150 million at the box office when the director wisely stated there was a 7 minute lingering close-up of her naked right breast (the left one sags a bit).

American audiences will remember her mostly from “The Matrix” trilogy and Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ”. Apparently Gibson’s film was based on a book, called the “Howly Bibble” (or something like that). I think Isaac Asimov wrote it, I’m not sure, I stopped reading books when I realized the articles in Playboy came with pictures. Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus in “The Passion”, made a long, passionate and scholarly argument as why a graphic sex scene between him and Bellucci should have been in the film: “But Mel, look at those ta-tas”. Can’t argue with that logic.

Bellucci is so sexy that she was voted number 1 in a special movie poll that asked people which actress was most likely to leave a damp spot on the cinema seat. Angelina Jolie demanded a recount.

“Bellucci” is Italian for “spank me I like it”.

Eva Longoria gets paid an obscene amount of money for her role as Gabrielle Solis in “Desperate Housewives” and she and her fellow cast-mates know how to play hardball too, as they just extended their contracts with ABC for 4 years at the tune of $40 million. She needs the money to fight the latest KFC advertising campaign that claims their chicken legs have more meat on them than hers.

Longoria is often seen out shopping, being pampered and basically treated like a princess. In the dog world this would make her a French poodle: a stuck up bitch* with a priceless fur coat that if you lay even one finger on it you’re going to see your own blood. Look but don’t touch, unless you have been neutered.

She has been known to open the world famous Harrods department store sale in London, a place where you only get in after flashing 3 carats on your finger or above:

Harrods doorman: “I’m sorry madam that is clearly not a 3 carat Tiffany ring, that is the elastic rim cut off a condom and rolled onto your finger…”

Winona Ryder: “Don’t you know who I am? I was in “How to Make an American Quilt”. I’m Winona Ryder.”

Harrods doorman: “Oh I do apologize Ms Ryder, I didn’t recognize you from your Saks Beverly Hills video… security!”

Talking about Winona Ryder, she is due to appear in the new “Star Trek” film as Spock’s mother (no, really). She will get millions of dollars to be part of the latest installment: “Star Trek 27: We Lost Count”. After all, she got $3 million for playing an android in “Alien: Resurrection”, which is pretty much like paying Amy Winehouse to act “drunk”.

Winona Ryder has dated so many people that even Scott Baio rings her up asking for dating tips.

any Star Trek fans (who prefer not to be called “Trekkies”, but the more correct term “Virgins”) are dismayed at the thought of Winona Ryder playing the mother of one of the most revered characters in the show. When asked to comment about this, the rest of the world said “who cares?”

In between surfing, sleeping with incredibly easily-impressed women and not shaving/showering, Matthew McConaughey actually managed to make a film called “A Time to Kill” which shot him to fame. His pretty-boy face in a film will cost film studios around $8 million (his salary for “Sahara”). This makes him the richest hippie in the world (don’t let the short hair fool you, just smell his hemp sandals for the truth).

cConaughey isn’t really interested in his wealth accumulation, he prefers to soak up the sun, surf and hang out with beautiful starlets whilst he travels around the world. He is proving this by producing his next film alone, an autobiographical piece called “Stark Bongo Naked”. It will be 110 minutes of him sitting naked, playing “Stairway to Heaven” on his bongos. Celebriches predicts a hit!

cConaughey was touted as the new Paul Newman or Harrison Ford. George Lucas considered McConaughey as a replacement for Ford in his new “Indiana Jones & the Crippling Sciatica” movie, but some of the Zambian pygmies hired to appear in the movie complained about the smell of McConaughey’s “natural” pit odor. This coming from people used to the smell of rotting wild animals…

* Celebriches would like to point out that it does not think Eva Longoria is a bitch… just a dog.