By DReaD

Keanu Reeves is ridiculously rich, he earned anywhere between $150-200 million just for the Matrix trilogy and then gave most of it away. He supplements his generosity by earning $50 million a year posing as the Lincoln Memorial for the government while the real thing gets cleaned from all the bird crap on it. Critics raved about his performance:

“Not even stone could be more stone-like”

“The emotion on his face makes you think of a corpse”

“Apparently Richard Gere based his Jefferson Memorial on Reeves’ work”.

When asked about his acting in the Matrix films, the Wachowski brothers commented:

“A singularity in the hole of the time/space continuum is in itself a paradox, a paradox created by the virtue of a presence so immense and frightening that only a pre-destined champion could demonstrate the true depth of mind to pierce this singularity…”

Unfortunately the rest of their statement was not recorded as all the journalists present spontaneously combusted.

Harrison Ford, now here is a man who looks at Keanu Reeves’ vast wealth and considers it pocket change. He got $25 million for appearing in the submarine film “K-19: The Widowmaker”. He will get paid so much money for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” that a new number had to be created just for him: a “harrillion”. He will get paid $20 harrillion for the new Indy flick, which is more than a hankstrillion but less than a gibsongoogol.

Being 65 years old, Ford is now spending his money on looking youthful. He bought a diamond earring, found himself a younger woman (Calista Flockhart is 22 years younger) and will no doubt be in negotiations with Hollywood’s best plastic surgeons soon. He even got 28 inch custom chrome rims on his mobility scooter. Go Harrison!

Stupidly rich Mel Gibson is the man Harrison Ford goes to when he needs a loan. This is a man who bought his deeply-religious father his own church as a gift, setting the bar for the rest of us…

“A font? You bought me a font for Father’s Day? Is this all I mean to you? Mel Gibson’s father got a whole church and you get me a lousy font?”

“But dad, look, it has gold leaf, encrusted with semi-precious stones and that’s real Holy Water in it, blessed by the Pope himself…”

“You’re no son of mine”.

Thanks Mel. Why couldn’t you just get him a subscription to Playboy? Mix things up a bit.

When Mel Gibson wants to bum a free meal, he goes to Steven Spielberg. His net worth is $3 billion and rising. Some people have accused him of getting stale in his old age, only taking on safe projects*. Spielberg intends to prove them all wrong with his new project: “ET 2: The Rise of the Finger”.

Spielberg is currently producing a mini-series called “The Pacific”, which is costing HBO around $200 million. Fortunately, Spielberg hadn’t done the weekly grocery shopping at that point and managed to spare the money. HBO had already blown all their spare change on their latest slogan: “We have Spielberg, nah nah n-nah nah”.

Spielberg is so powerful in the film industry that when he sneezes all the bootleggers in China and Russia get a cold.

* “Some people” was actually George Lucas, who is so jealous of Spielberg having an Oscar that he refuses to loan any of his midgets to play ET in the new film, and as everyone in the business knows, Lucas supplies the best midgets in Tinseltown.