NOTE: I'm debuting the new "Celebriches" column today by DReaD. DReaD used to write for a now defunct men's magazine. His Wednesday column will focus on celebrities, money, and AIDs. Except AIDs.

By DReaD

It is estimated Paris Hilton will eventually inherit between $30-50 million. Wisely, Paris has invested in many other businesses as she realizes $30-50 million will only buy enough antibiotics to last her for the next 5 years. Typhoid Mary was in denial too.

To be fair to Paris, she did have the intelligence to cancel her trip to Rwanda earlier this year. Rwanda is an African country that has a GDP per capita of $1,300 and no fashion industry. Not only would Paris have nowhere to hang out but where could she get change for a $100 bill? Anyway, according to Nicole Richie, neighboring Burundi is where the REAL nightclub action is.

Britney Spears is worth around $100 million. That is a conservative estimate, although a big chunk of that is now resting in the Starbucks' bank vault, which they then auction, dollar by dollar on eBay: "$1 bill with Britney's fingerprint", "$1 bill with Britney's saliva", "$1 bill with Britney's lawyer’s number", "$5 bill with Britney's mother’s number". By 2010 Starbucks’ revenues will be 40% coffee & related products and 60% Britney by-products.

With all that money you would have thought Britney would move to another country where she won’t get hounded by paparazzi and mercilessly slated for every mistake she makes. Unfortunately she was reliably informed that they don’t speak American in "Canadia"...

Lindsay Lohan has about $8 million or so lying around, either in the bank or, as any financial advisor will tell a young actress, stuffed in teddy bears. We love Lindsay for the crazy madcap characters she plays, the child in a woman's body, in outrageous situations and far-fetched premises. Shame her films suck…

Lindsay has problems with boyfriends; she doesn't make the best choices. For $5 million she could buy the "Marry-O-Matic", a specialized computer that spits out your perfect mate once you have inputted all your hates and loves. Is it legal to marry a woodbine in California?

Jessica Simpson made around $7 million in a 12 month period from 2006 to 2007. She spent some of it on encyclopedias, donated some to charity (paying for lip-synch lessons for sister Ashlee is charity right?) and used the remaining $6,999,900 to pay for the best PR in entertainment. You remember her album "A Public Affair"? Neither do we…

Jessica still remembers the day she got her first big pay-check. The record company offered her a check for $50,000, but she managed to bargain them down to $500 and a bowl of month old jelly beans they had in the reception area. She thought the comma in $50,000 worked the same way as a decimal point…