By DReaD

Famous children’s writer JK Rowling recently auctioned off a single copy of her hand-written book “The Tales of Beedle the Bard”, which sold for nearly $4 million. Considering the surprising amount of money the book fetched she is now thinking about releasing two more “Harry Potter” novels, tentatively titled “Harry Potter and the Gruesome Divorce” and “Harry Potter and the Mid-life Crisis” (where he buys a Ferrari broom and dates Hermione Granger’s 19 year old cousin).

Rowling recently confessed that head wizard Dumbledore, was actually gay. In the adult version of “Harry Potter and the Slutty Heiress” there is a conversation between Dumbledore and Harry which goes as follows:

“Dumbledore squeaked in anticipation, ‘Harry, please, use your powerful wand…’. Harry felt his tension growing as he uttered the magic words ‘Popperus Sniffius’ and Bam! Dumbledore was finally freed from the closet”.

Celebslam and Celebriches “favorite” Paris Hilton warrants another mention in this column for the recent release of her luxury wine in a can (it really puts the “ass” back in “class”). It is just another addition to her growing financial empire which includes perfume, jewelery and kennels (where all the high-class dogs hang out).

For the wine commercial Paris was naked, painted gold and filmed crawling on her hands and knees in the desert… but Seymore Butts still refuses to return her calls since he went upmarket.

She tells people she was named after the capital of France, but felt F was too difficult to spell and changed it to her favorite town in Texas instead.

George Lucas is apparently worth $3.6 billion, not including the world’s largest original Star Wars figure collection which is guarded by state of the art anti-nerd security equipment. The treasured figures are surrounded by a huge chain of inter-locking bras, impossible to unhook for your average geek.

Sadly, George never bothered to invest some of that money into his scriptwriting skills. Many Star Wars aficionados complain the recent trilogy of movies contained very poor dialogue and shallow characterization. When asked to comment about these accusations Lucas laughed maniacally down the phone whilst bathing in $50 dollar bills, smoking a solid platinum pipe which had been lit with the original wrapping of a 1977 Han Solo figure (bastard) and flipping the bird to Mark Hamill via webcam.

Note: it is rumored Lucas has an army of midgets in his workforce who he demands wear stormtrooper outfits and call him Darth Franchise.

Sandra Bullock is somehow worth $85 million. The poor (and slightly desperate) man’s version of Julia Roberts has her own production company (how else does she keep getting work?). To be fair, she was great in “Crash”, although I still can’t work out which corpse she played.

Sandra’s legion of fans include thousands of elderly women who would love to have such a goofy actress-like daughter, but have to face the reality of working for a living to pay for their 17 cats. Because you know, cats are really understanding and loving, they really listen to you, when they pee on your toast and scratch the shit out of your new leather upholstery and reward you with a vomit-inducing hairball. Cats and a Sandra Bullock movie… senile heaven.

Note: In the UK, a bollock is another word for testicle. Co-incidence?