Matt Damon is the "Sexiest Man Alive"

The travesty that is People magazine's annual Sexiest Man Alive issue is on newsstands. Despite all those extra sets and reps, all the exfoliating, all the lotion, and all the sacrifice, Matt Damon took the top spot. It's like that late-night deal I struck with People's top female executive meant nothing. Honestly I think not calling her back hurt me in the end. But I mean, c'mon, you want me all to your self? That's just selfish honey. This bird needs to spread his wings.