Chuck Norris
You know 'em, you love 'em, and now you can buy a book full of 'em. A book full of "Chuck Norris facts" officially goes on sale next Thursday. And since nothing is happening today, this counts as news. A selection of facts:
- A cobra once bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- Chuck Norris can impregnate women with only a glance. He can also do this to men.
- Chuck Norris only allows Jackie Chan to live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.
- When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.
- Mr. T. once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of tic-tac-toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
- When he is alone at night, Chuck Norris likes to wear slippers with bunnies on them. Real live bunnies.
- When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
- Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. Afterward, they were renamed The Islands.
- Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris’s house is a Total Gym.
Lemme hear your best facts in the comments
Chuck Norris can dodge rain
Chuck Norris is harmful to radiation.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris has a strong Pimp Hand
Chuck Norris has perfect credit.
Chuck Norris once beat up a bear because "The Ewok Adventure" made him angry.
There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.
rest assured chuck norris knows where you live.
When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris'd.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
Cold gets Chuck Norris, not the other way around, asshole.
The Titanic didn't get sunk by an iceburg, it got round-house kicked by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
The Bermuda Triangle was once known as the Bermuda Square... until Chuck Norris round-house kicked one of its sides off.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is the "I" in "team."
Chuck Norris once punched a woman in the vagina for not giving him correct change.
Chuck Norris can kill you with anything in the room, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Once there was an idea to bottle Chuck Norris' urine, we now know that beverage as 'Red Bull'
Chuck Norris taught me how to fly.
You can Thank Chuck Norris for Cans of Whoop Ass. He caught it, pasturized it, canned it, and put it to public consuption.
Rainbows were straight, until Chuck Norris head-butted them.
Chuck Norris is a bad mother *shut your mouth*
Chuck Norris lost his virginity BEFORE his father.
Pollution doesn't fuel global warming; Chuck Norris' rage fuels global warming.
The animal species still alive are those Chuck Norris allows to live.
One of Chuck Norris' 1,000 sons is named Chuck Liddell Norris, Jr.
Contrary to popular belief, America isn't a Democracy, it's a Chuck-tatorship
Big Foot is Chuck Norris camping.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, the entire Earth moves 2 feet away.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep each night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Wilt Chamberlain is rumored to have slept with over 20,000 women: Chuck Norris calls this a "Slow Tuesday".
It took Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch the show '60 Minutes'
Chuck Norris shaves with roundhouse kicks to the face because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.
Simply by pulling at both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd... NOBODY fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' round house kicks and be felt all over the world, they call it hurricanes.
Chuck Norris first job was as a paper delivery boy... There were no survivors.
Great facts
Chuck Norris knows Big John.
Chuck Norris was up for the role of the titular
character in the movie Steel. When Shaq beat him to the punch, Chuck swore vengence. Shaq lives in fear till this day.
Chuck Norris likes Mortal Kombat, but insists to
this day that virtua fighter "makes Mortal Kombat look like AIDS"
The movie "The Predator" is loosely based on Chuck Norris' first 3 hours out of the womb.
Chuck Norris likes these facts, that's why he hasn't spin kicked these plagiarists.
Chuck Norris isnt late, if chuck falls behind time, time better slow the fuck down!
He knows if you've been naughty or nice, too!
Fag
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity .........Twice !
The last tsunami was caused when Chuck Norris jumped in to the water and told the water to leave.
All waves originate from the first time Chuck Norris went swimming.
Chuck Norris calls his pee urine....America calls it orange juice.
When the vein in Chuck Norris' temple throbs in anger, the orbit of Jupiter is perturbed.
All convertibles come from when Chuck Norris gets pissed and rips of the tops....by saying top come off.
He also uses this tactic during Mardi Gras....Chuck despises beads.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
Chuck Norris is so scary, Bigfoot takes pictures of HIM.
Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on. Not because he is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of HIM.
In the movie "The Chinese Connection," Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris. As part of his fee, Chuck Norris Killed Bruce Lee for real.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck...covered in skulls.
When Chuck Norris Craps, the poor gather for a meal.
Thanks Giving at Chuck Norris house usually consists of a slow roasted Korean man. Turkeys are AMERICAN, they deserve better!!
When Chuck Norris takes a piss, his urine evaporates before it hits the water!!?!?!
During Hurrican Katrina, Chuck Norris saved a neighborhood by absorbing all the water into his chest Afro!!!
Chuck Norris is not afraid of death. Death is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get drunk. Drunk gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented wikipedia
Chuck Norris doesnt need viagra, apperently thats what his blood is
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
Chuck NEVER (and i reeeeally mean it) makes mistakes, Never....
also if u follow this rules, u r up tobe one of Chuck pupils:
1-Chuck... is ALWAYS right
2.-In case that he isnt right, Please follow rule number 1
3.- Ther cant be 2 rules without the third ;-)
energy cant be created or destroyed, except if Chuck Norris is present
Chuck doesnt have any specific line or motto, everything he says is important
Chuck has seen Cow & Chicken dads upper half
Chuck Norris once revived a still born baby by rubbing it with his beard. He then round-house kicked the baby to death.
This is to show that; the Lord Chuck given, and the Lord Chuck taketh away.
There is no evolution, only those species Chuck Norris allows to exist!
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
Chucks cock is so big, it has it's own cock
There are no flies on Chuck Norris..........flies know better
Chuck Norris roundhoused Bruce Lee, the result was Jackie Chan and Jet Li.
Chuck Norris is so tough he'll throat punch a giraffe.
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands, they are simply called the Islands now.
Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb, this was the original C Section.
Chuck Norris is always watching you, if you dont see him your mere moments from death.
Jared Fogle didnt lose weight by eating Subway, he worked out with Chuck Norris for 15 mins.
Chuck Norris dont take shit from anyone, thats why his dog cleans its own shit up.
Wonder why Jean Claude Van Dam dont make good movies? Cause Chuck Norris will kill him for taking the good roles.
God prays to Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris takes a baseball bat to the bathroom with him every time he goes, just on the off-chance that he shits a wildcat and has to beat it to death.
chuck norris dosent get high. high gets chuck norris
chuck norris dosent believe in satan. satan believs in chuck norris.
chuck norris dosent play war games he lives them.
chuck norris once crashed a party. there were no survivers.
Chuck Norris dug through Earth to China with only a spoon.
Chuck Norris once had a akward moment, just to see how it feels.