Sheryl Crow has the solution to the global warming problem: less toilet paper. For the past few weeks, the 45-year-old singer has been touring American Colleges and Universities with activist Laurie David to help raise awareness about climate change. Crow wrote on her website:

"I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. One of my favorites is in the area of conserving trees which we heavily rely on for oxygen. I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."

But what about paper napkins? Umm, you shouldn't use those either:

"I also like the idea of not using paper napkins, which happen to be made from virgin wood and represent the heighth of wastefullness. I have designed a clothing line that has what's called a "dining sleeve". The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve," after usage. The design will offer the "diner" the convenience of wiping his mouth on his sleeve rather than throwing out yet another barely used paper product.. I think this idea could also translate quite well to those suffering with an annoying head cold." (Source)

What about the repercussions to your napkin ordinance, Sheryl, WHAT ABOUT THE DAMN REPERCUSSIONS? Two squares max? The Mexican food industry would be wiped out as we know it. Financial markets would be thrown into utter chaos as Denny's and Taco Bell stock took a nosedive. On the bright-side I could finally buy that bidet I've been pining for (the neighbors have started to complain about me using the hose in my backyard*). Oh, and thanks for stealing my idea about the dining sleeve--I've been wiping my mouth on my sleeve for years now. All the girls at school say it gives me character. That is what "quit staring at me you fat disgusting pig" means, right?

*their backyard