Thought I should give you a little update on the status of Britney Spears. The latest news from the Promises rehab center is that Britney is doing great, getting healthy, and taking back control of her life. According to anonymous staff member, Britney is the model patient and a general pleasure to be around. One of Britney's friends reports (via The UK's News of the World):

"She is still very vulnerable. Last Saturday she said she had the number 666 written onto her bald head. She was crying, and shouting, 'I am the Antichrist!'

"The clinic people just didn't know what to do. Then she started screaming, 'I'm a fake! I'm a fake!' It must have been really frightening. Later that night she tried to kill herself. She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt." (Source)

Ummm ... wow ... this is a little bit embarrassing. Yikes. OK, here's what I want you to do. Pretend what my opening blurb actually said was: "Thought I should give you a little update on the status of Britney Spears. The latest news from the Promises rehab center is that Britney has gone beyond batshit crazy. I give her a week before she starts writing crazy poems on the wall with her own fecal matter."